IOWA CITY, Iowa — Local crust punk Elliot Schreiber had the dick tattoo on his face completely blacked out by pranksters early this morning after passing out at a house party, confirmed multiple witnesses who believe the look is an upgrade.
“It’s fucking embarrassing to be treated like this after all I’ve done for the scene,” said Schreiber, guitarist for the crust punk band Septic Jesus. “So, yeah, I drank too much and fell asleep in the grass. I know the rules, but some things are sacred — I didn’t let my buddy Gator give me this stick-and-poke cock on my cheek so I could be disrespected.”
Sources report Schreiber drank a pink liquid out of a chipped Goldschläger bottle that kept cutting open the sores around his mouth throughout the night.
“‘Smelliot’ was definitely on one last night. Usually he can hold his alcohol, but that syrup shit he was drinking got him really fucked up,” said partygoer Maggie Robbs, referring to Elliot by his street name. “One minute he’s fine, sharing a dumpstered pie with the dog… and the next minute he’s all splayed out, with half his body sticking out from under a rail car. I heard someone say they had a marker, but I was trying to figure out how to put studs on my IUD, so I don’t know who it was.”
“Dr. Toilet,” a midwestern crustie anthropologist, was asked to investigate the blacked-out tattoo.
“I’ve seen parties like this before, and pranks like this are quite common,” Dr. Toilet said, snorting a line of his own dandruff. “People wake up in shame over having their identities compromised. For a guy like him, who really would give any Infest tribute band the shirt off his back if he actually had another shirt to wear, it’s not just a face tattoo of a dick — it’s a statement of intent.”
Schreiber was last seen adding pubic hair at the base of the shaft of his dick tattoo, so as to appear more intimidating to would-be vandals.