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Massive Backlog of Back Stabbings Paralyzes Hardcore Street Justice System

NEW YORK — A recent report from Overpower-Overcome Enterprises found that last year’s inordinate number of backstabbings ground the hardcore scene’s street justice system to a complete halt.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my life,” said longtime street justice enforcer Vinny “Dead Leg” Desouza. “We got a bunch of bitch-asses running around like they own this town. They’re on your Facebook and on your Twitter, talking a bunch of shit like they aren’t about to get their jaws cracked. Unfortunately, there are just so many little punks in line to get introduced to the business end of my boot that it could be two years before anyone gets their ass beat, and by that time, they could have already moved to Los Angeles.”

Victims of the backstabbings hold out hope that retribution is coming for those that wronged them.

“I was hoping for a swift and speedy trial when it came to my case — my supposed best friend said I broke edge on a message board, and when I confronted him, he denied it,” said a young man who asked to remain anonymous. “I tried to enlist some of the more intimidating crews in town to help me tool on this guy, but they all told me they were backed up on beatdowns and expected to be busy until 2024.”

Some critics believe the backlog is a manufactured problem in order to keep people in the scene scared.

“There is no shortage of goons who wouldn’t mind throwing some bass player through a wall because he stole $100 from the band fund, so it’s not an issue of manpower,” said vocal street justice reformer Edwin Truss. “A person who fears getting jumped at a show by a face-tattooed guy in baggy jeans and a tight black tank top is a person who isn’t going to show their face very often and lay low. It’s a way of controlling the population without getting your hands dirty. Personally, I’d like to see us go back to the old school days of street justice, where as soon as you talked shit, you would get hit, and we could all move on as a society.”

Local law enforcement officials said they plan on continuing to look the other way during any acts of street justice, just as long as they don’t have to fill out any paperwork.