Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Stock Photo Prices for Sad Guys on Trading Floor Skyrocket to Recording-Breaking Highs

Posted on March 24, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Stock photo websites jacked up their prices today for pictures of financial workers on Wall Street looking dejected on the trading floor as the Coronavirus economic crisis escalates, industry sources confirmed.

“Pardon me for not caring. You want a Lehman Brothers employee who looks borderline suicidal? Well, guess what: time to pay up, shit-for-brains,” said Shutterstock representative Amy Lissen. “You scoffed at our collection of royalty-free photos with over one million contributors worldwide, you laughed at some grandma eating four ice cream cones at once, you mocked the child sniffing a pile of dog crap like a flower, and you made memes of the wheelchair guy bungee jumping. But what now? We have what you need, and you are going to pay. You are going to pay so fucking much.”

“Goddamn it, I hate you bitches all so goddamn much,” she added.

Stock photo customers were shocked by the sudden price increase.

“I run a mid-level finance blog, and I thought some of these photos would be part of my subscription plan… but when I tried to download them, I got a popup screen that read, ‘Hold on, Fuck Face. Our terms have changed, so get ready to read the fuck up.’ It was pretty alarming,” said Gary Coyle, editor-in-chief of the Coyle’s Coins blog. “I tried signing up for a free trial of some other stock sites, just to sort of game the system, but they all had similar restrictions — when I tried doing it through Getty, one of their representatives actually called my phone and threatened to kick the shit out of me and my entire family.”

Longtime users of stock photo sites say this is not the first time they’ve been gouged prices on popular pictures.

“During the housing crash of 2008, it was nearly impossible to download a photo of a sad family looking at a sign that read ‘Foreclosed,’” said former Los Angeles Times art director Dan Mun-Hee. “During the Syrian refugee crisis, lots of stock photo site executives would demand you take them out to a fancy dinner before they would even let you look at a preview of the photo. It hasn’t gotten much better.”

Further hampering the market, competing stock websites announced they would be working in conjunction to limit renderings of COVID-19 and only making them available to the highest bidder.

‘The Rise of Skywalker’ Novelization Reveals You’ve Wasted Your Goddamn Life on This

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

LOS ANGELES — While the ninth and final episode of the “Skywalker Saga” films left many unanswered questions, the novelization of last year’s Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker takes the story into much greater detail than is possible onscreen, leaving no doubt whatsoever that your life has been a paper monument erected to a deep and vacuous pit of superficial consumerism barely masked as storytelling.

According to an excerpt from Chapter 12, titled ‘You Really Thought Someone Planned This Out Ahead of Time? You Sad, Stupid Prick,’ we learn that Rey is driven to find her parents’ identity not because they are notable Force users, but rather because all of it is a fucking meaningless jerk off session with no hope for release.

The despair Rey felt at Kylo’s stinging words was matched only by the sting you’re feeling right now, as you realize all those plastic toys and collectibles you spent hundreds, perhaps thousands of dollars amassing, represent a vast, nearly infinite plane of inky black meaninglessness. As sad as it is, the hollowness deep inside the pit of your tortured soul has always been held in check by a pathetic belief there would someday be a satisfying end to it all.

Now you are faced with a horror not unlike Boba Fett experienced in the belly of the Sarlacc, or would have experienced if Disney hadn’t decided “Oh right, all that shit people spent decades creating is no longer even part of the overarching story because as dumb as a lot of it was, we can fuck it up much worse and still make a billion dollars off you stupid cunts.”

How was that not your first fucking clue, you sad fucking piece of shit? Now the only satisfying end would come from the barrel of a pistol pressed to your sweaty temple, if not for your overwhelming cowardice. Maybe you can wipe away your tears with the pages of your useless Heir to the Empire paperback, you stupid, stupid child.

The movie largely glossed over how tying so much of your identity to a popular film franchise with a handful of good movies was a massive mistake. For example, the scene where Palpatine and his fleet are first introduced serves as a subtle clue to the enormity of your life’s shallowness, but the book goes much more in depth.

Rey looked into the milky, cold eyes of Palpatine himself. ‘How could this be?’ she wondered aloud.

“Don’t you see, my darling?” Palpatine asked, with a sneer. “None of this matters! We knew as soon as we saw people zealously defending the prequels against legitimate, objectively measurable criticism that we didn’t have to put in any creative effort into this franchise whatsoever!“

“You’d still throw money at us and buy a Darth Maul drink topper at Taco Bell for $3!” he cackled.

Rey stood there, frozen in disbelief. Was this… creature… right? Had she made excuses for flawed filmmaking just so she could feel like she belonged to something, anything at all?

“Search your feelings,“ Palpatine said. “You know it to be true.”

The novelization is on shelves now, with a film adaptation heavily rumored.

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Why Some Couples Choose to Stay in Our Loveless Marriage

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Eric Navarro

Divorce is common in this day and age for several reasons. The stigma of divorce has been erased, fewer marriages have a sole financial provider, and open marriages have become a solution to the “seven year itch.” So then why do some couples stay in unhappy marriages? This is a question my spouse and I were sadly forced to ask the couples who joined our polyamorous marriage prior to us losing all romantic interest in each other. See their answers below!

Sam and Tabitha L. – “We think what happens is couples get caught up in remembering the good times. They focus so hard on all those happy memories that they lose sight of where the relationship has gone. Like the time we all went to Europe. We completely filled up one of those double decker sightseeing buses. It was amazing. Touring the canals of Venice was incredible too even though we lost a few couples. Those gondolas were definitely made with a less sex-positive society in mind.”

Jane and Lisa A. – “The fear of being alone. We have a strong bond but if we leave then we’re just a couple by ourselves. That’s scary. Let’s say one of us is in a car accident and rushed to the hospital. Put yourself in that position. Do you want to wake up surrounded by loved ones? Or by yourself, completely alone with only your spouse. Gives us goosebumps just thinking about it.”

Pamela and Jason V. – “We hate to admit it but jealousy. Even though the love is gone, we still can’t bear the thought of all 47 couples finding intimacy elsewhere. Can you imagine walking down the street and seeing your 94 exes walking with their arm around some new couple’s shoulder? That’s why we’re staying.”

John and Sarah T. – “We’re staying for the children. Plain and simple. They say it takes a village to raise a child and while we may have a village worth of people in this marriage, the children still outnumber us. It’s not even a parenting thing at this point. We just need to survive the winter until harvest.”

Patrick and John C. – “The sex. Like, duh. We’re not even a couple. Well, we are a couple in the sense that we’re a couple ‘o guys taming strange left and right. Who cares about love? We’re tryna plow.”

Dad Playing ‘Secret Hitler’ Cannot Comprehend That the Liberals Are the Good Guys

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

MINEOLA, N.Y. — Tom Castellano was reportedly unable to comprehend that the liberal team were being presented as the good guys in Secret Hitler, after his son Jason introduced the Kickstarter-backed board game to his family at a recent gathering.

“Jason was walking us through the first round, since we weren’t all familiar with the rules or goal of the game yet,” said Tom Castellano, 55. “Then when I became President, my son tells me that I should want to enact a liberal policy. Like I’d ever pass something like Obamacare! It finally clicked though at the end of the game when my son was revealed to be Hitler. That’s when it all made sense. He was playing us from the beginning when he first said the libs were the good team, huh?”

According to those familiar with the situation, family members eventually gave up on trying to convince Castellano.

“It’s a fun game,” explained Jason, a college freshman. “My friends at school and I have a blast with it. I thought my family would get a kick out of it as well while we’re all stuck in the quarantine, but all it did was launch my dad into a rant about what a joke CNN is. Why does he think I watch CNN?”

At press time, Tom Castellano had emailed the developers to let them know they should revise their game and call it Secret Cuomo.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Entire Senate Was Avoiding Rand Paul Anyway Before COVID-19 Diagnosis

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

WASHINGTON — A large, bi-partisan coalition of U.S. Senators disclosed moments ago that they’d been avoiding Sen. Rand Paul long before his recent COVID-19 diagnosis.

“It couldn’t have happened to a better person. And by that, I mean the person least likely to transmit the disease to anyone else,” croaked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Everyone already avoided him like the plague before all this. I barely talk to him, and when I do, I always have my assistant next to me to help end the conversation with a fake phone call or something. I mean, c’mon — I hate poor people as much as the next conservative, but Rand… I don’t know. I think he wants to be the only person on earth. He always stares at you like he’d be willing to eat you.”

In a rare show of Congressional harmony, Senators from both sides of the aisle admitted their longstanding discomfort with Paul and wished him a long, painful recovery.

“Honestly, I didn’t even notice he was gone,” remarked Sen. Cory Booker. “We all try to look away when he enters a room anyway. Seriously, it’s a good thing this didn’t happen to like, Bernie, or Grassley — you know, someone people actually like. Hell, I think people like Ted Cruz more than Paul, if only in some sick, Kafka-esque way. I just hope he doesn’t figure out how to use Zoom or something. Just go away for a while, Rand. Please just go away.”

The news comes just days after Paul voted against a stimulus package that would provide federal aid to those affected by coronavirus pandemic.

“I would say it’s an act of God,” explained Paul. “But I don’t believe in God: only the long, beautiful, muscular arm of capitalism. Problems like this won’t be solved by government or compassion, but by reason, self-interest, and massive amounts of generationally accumulated wealth. I’ve got bootstraps the size of a foreclosed family farm, and I plan to pull myself up by them. I’m as sure of that as I am of the fact that my dad named me after an angry lady author.”

At press time, a “get well soon” card had been organized for Paul that, in the largest show of congressional bipartisanship, remains unsigned.

“A Pox on the Police!” Proclaims Elizabethan Punk

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Alan Khanukaev

STRATFORD-UPON-AVON, England — Local punk and detestable rascal of ill-repute Bartholomew Alfraye expressed a most ghastly proclamation of ill-will today upon the members of the local constabulary of Warwickshire, scandalized authorities reported.

“Methought mine ears deceived me: sure, he wasn’t wishing pox upon my house?” said shire-reeve Josias Guildeforde. “‘Sir, you forget thyself,’ I retorted, informing the knave I would beat thee, lest I should infect my hands. T’wasn’t ‘til yond vile scoundrel referred to mine own beloved matriarch as ‘naught but a hobby horse befit for townsfolk to take pleasure’ and made a most obscene gesture that I had little recourse but to demand satisfaction. ‘Beware the ides of March!’ says I whilst raining blows upon this loathsome beast.”

His faculties revived under the care of ye barber-surgeon, Alfraye recounted the events leading to this most shameful thrashing.

“My garage acting troupe were rehearsing Thomas Kyd — for we fuck not with that gold pillaging Marlowe — when yond crumpet-munching reeve approached with hassle in his heart intent on engaging in the busting of bollocks,” explained Alfraye. “For we had done nary a thing and heavy is the head with the sick gelled mohawk, I pledged to defend our honor. Mine compatriots mocked this declaration! ‘Frailty, thy name is Alfraye,’ they would tease!”

“And so it was, with my cred besmirched, I proclaimed that not only shall I wish a pox upon the police, but I shall bite my thumb at him as well,” Alfraye added. “A disgrace should he bear it. ‘What-ho! Prepareth to square!’ I accosted. And though thereafter a blackness came over me until this moment, I presume a valiant battle was fought by all.”

Area rapscallions were most perplexed by this sudden turn of a once-thought to be the most cowardly of urchins.

“Upon receiving word of this most badass of happenings, we thought, ‘Surely not Bartholomew,’” explained revered area miscreant Esau Ffrewyll. “For it was commonly beknownst across the land that Alfraye t’was not but a total paughzer who knew not of the bard’s early work — yea, only his mainstream shit. I recall venturing upon yond irksome dullard between sets at the Globe theatre nary a fortnight ago: we cast him out with jeers of, ‘Get thee to an Urban Outfitters!’ How a moldy codpiece such as this should suddenly have grown upon his person a pair of the most substantial brass is beyond comprehension. Mayhaps mine own scorn was ill-directed.”

Alfraye was last spied lavishing in the fruits of his new-found scene nobility by inquiring of all those onto whom he came if, perchance, they had a couch upon which he might crash.

Game Rewards Gamer for Finishing Game With More Game

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Chandler Dean

MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Upon completing what appeared to be the final quest of an RPG, local gamer Kendall Bennett was reportedly delighted to discover that the game was rewarding her for finishing the game by providing more game.

“I thought the last fun I was gonna get to have was the dumb little mini-game they give you during the unskippable end credits,” said Bennett, “but suddenly, after ‘The End’ showed up on the screen, a question mark appeared, and I was like, ‘how could the end be in question? Isn’t the game complete?’”

Bennett’s satisfaction with completing the game was soon replaced by the utter shock of learning she had not beaten the game at all, but in fact had yet more game to beat.

“Sure enough,” Bennett continued, “the world map came up, the ocean started bubbling, an island started rising, my controller started vibrating, and a triumphant jingle started playing—none of which are things that happen when there’s no more game left. And that’s when I realized: the game was giving me more game for completing the game. Mind. Blown.”

As Bennett played through the bonus stage, she was excited to find that her collection of coins throughout the game was being remunerated with more coins; her defeat of enemies handsomely recompensed with tougher enemies; her acquisition of items compensated with yet more items.

“This is like when I go to a Marvel movie, sit through the whole thing, and then at the end, the movie rewards me for watching the movie with more movie! I love that,” Bennett exclaimed, clapping her hands with childlike joy. “Or like when I sit down and read a book, and wouldn’t you know it, after I finish the book, the book gives me ‘acknowledgments’ and ‘glossary’—a little extra bonus book! And don’t get me started on the french fries in my to-go bag.”

Video game designer Jessup Johnson explained the rationale behind including a bonus stage in a game, after telling the player in crystal clear terms that they have triumphed.

“So, we know playing a game is fun,” Johnson reasoned. “We also know that not playing a game is not fun. So what a bonus stage does, in effect, is increase the total amount of game — and therefore fun — at the expense of not game and not fun.”

At press time, readers of this article were rewarded for reading the article with this extra line of article.

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We Tracked Down the Rejected Cover for “Pet Sounds” Where the Beach Boys Devour the Animals

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Henrik Persson

The mid-1960s were an exciting time in rock. Bands were gradually shifting from throwing together a few hits and a handful of fillers every 9 months, to thinking in terms of a cohesive musical whole: the album.

This was the era that gave us “Pet Sounds” by The Beach Boys. A record which wasn’t supposed to be twelve perfect pop songs about love and the loss of youthful innocence, but a concept album about killing goats. Recently, we were given a rare opportunity to look at the original, rejected artwork.

Whoa.

Damn, this is graphic. There is so much blood! And what’s Dennis doing with that goat’s head? That is disgusting! Man, we can never look at Mike Love in quite the same way after this. WTF.

The photo we’re looking at is a test print. The idea was that the album sleeve would be a “before and after”, with the front (before) being the cover that we all know, with the boys feeding the goats, and the back (after) would be the ultra-graphic snuff version where they’ve killed the goats and are eating their flesh and guts like a pride of hungry lions. And yeah, it’s quite something.

Capitol Records wouldn’t have it. They also forced Wilson to change the lyrics and titles to some of the songs. Rumor has it that was the reason he brought jingle writer Tony Asher onboard as a lyricist in the first place.

Some early titles for songs that eventually ended up on “Pet Sounds:”

“Wouldn’t It Be Nice (To Kill Some Goats)”
“I’m Waiting for the Day (When I Can Eat Their Flesh)”
“Here Today (Gone Tomorrow, If You’re a Goat)”
“Put Its Head on My Shoulder”
“I Know There’s An Answer (It’s Eating a Live Goat)”
“Pet Sounds (Abattoir Ambience Pts. 1 & 2)”

The goat cover serves as a great example of artistic vision clashing with commercial interests. The whole experience was so painful for Brian Wilson, he still answers interview questions about it by pointing at the reporter like Donald Sutherland in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and screaming “Baa! Baa!”.

Joe Biden Makes New Campaign Promise to Wipe That Smug Look Off Your Face, Buddy

Posted on March 23, 2020 by James Knapp

AKRON, Ohio — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden announced a new initiative today during a campaign stop at a tire manufacturing plant, promising to “wipe that smug look” off of a plant assembly worker’s face.

“If elected, I promise I’m going to take you down to pound town, you yellow-toothed spider-dingo,” Biden yelled while rolling up his shirt sleeves. “I swear to protect this nation from threats, both foreign and domestic — and when I get in the Oval Office, I’m starting with you, Chief. If you want to try me, go ahead: I’ve got dynamite in both hands. If you thought fracking was explosive, just wait until I get my hands on you.”

Plant worker Otis Ramble was confused why the 77-year-old presidential contender had taken offense.

“I was really excited when I first heard Mr. Biden was coming by. We’ve had a lot of issues these past few years with stagnant wages and layoffs,” said a noticeably distraught Ramble. “But when I asked him what he’d do to defend union bargaining power, he called me a ‘real tough guy’ and asked if I wanted to ‘settle this in the octagon.’ I’m just trying to pay my bills, man. Do I really have to fight an elderly politician to do that? Democracy has changed a lot these last few years.”

Chris Stamper, Biden’s head of security, confessed that the candidate challenging a working-class citizen to a violent altercation was not at all uncommon.

“Probably about once a week, we have to pull [Biden] off of a blue-collar worker. Back in Johnstown, he challenged a steel factory manger to ‘fisticuffs.’ And when we were in Kentucky, he slapped a coal miner with a dueling glove and proclaimed ‘pistols at dawn,’” said Stamper. “I’ll say this: at least the guy keeps you on your toes. I’ve worked some boring security details in my career, but none keep you as engaged as Joey Fast-Hands over here.”

At press time, security was dragging Biden away from another altercation. He was last heard screaming, “Jimmy Carter put up a better fight, you triangle-faced mouse-louse.”

Crash Bandicoot Fans Demand Aku Aku Voice Actor Be Recast With Someone Who Is Whatever Race He’s Supposed to Be

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Thousands of Crash Bandicoot fans have signed an online petition demanding that Naughty Dog recast the actor who voices Aku Aku with someone of the same racial background as the character, whatever that is.

The controversy began after writer Kai Harris published a Medium blog post called “We Probably Need To Talk About Aku Aku.” In it, Harris points out that the design of Crash Bandicoot’s iconic floating mask contains several crude cliches, though she adds that it’s not entirely clear what race the character is supposed to be stereotyping.

“Crash Bandicoot hasn’t modernized since it first appeared in 1996, and it shows,” Harris writes. “If the character is going to continue to exist, the voice actor portraying him should be replaced by someone who is, like, at least two-thirds Native American. Right? Or maybe it’s supposed to be a Māori thing? I don’t know, but it’s definitely racist.”

Some fans were quick to point out that Aku Aku is currently voiced by Greg Eagles, an African-American actor. This fact led to days of complicated debate around the internet, with detractors eventually deciding that Aku Aku’s voice actor should probably be part Inuit as well, just to be safe.

The controversy blindsided employees at Naughty Dog, who always assumed someone would eventually call the series out, but for its unclear portrayal of Australians.

“Aku Aku isn’t based on any specific race,” former Crash Bandicoot programmer Dave Baggett clarified. “The truth is, his design is just based on an old mask in my Grandma’s house. She had all sorts of weird knick knacks. Tons of masks, dolls, and this collection of figurines where they all have huge lips — Oh fuck. Oh God. Oh no.”

Naughty Dog later apologized and pledged to redesign Aku Aku in both the Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy and Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled, following a severe two-month crunch.

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