Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Mass Shooter Forced to Go Door to Door

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

MACON, Ga. — Local Civil War reenactor, blogger, and aspiring mass shooter Randolph Cunningham was forced to go door to door yesterday to find victims due to the majority of Americans self-quarantining, sources uninterested in even more bullshit confirmed.

“I’ve been knocking on doors all day,” lamented Cunningham, who has authored several manifestos, including “Thai Food Turned My Son Gay,” and “Why I Know There’s Jews on the Other Side of the Moon,” collectively read by sevens of people. “It’s been a rough go. People see the AR-15, pump shotgun, grenades, and two bayoneted pistols, and they don’t much feel like opening the door. This whole virus thing is so overblown. Why can’t we have a farmer’s market, or even a town hall meeting to get to the bottom of it? All this gear is getting heavy.”

“The worst part has been disinfecting all the doorknobs I’ve touched. I went through my only bottle of Purell in the first hour,” added Cunningham. “I wish I had some gloves.”

Residents sympathized with Cunningham and his failed attempt at infamy.

“Yeah, Randy’s a bit of a kook,” explained neighbor and “bocce buddy” Lamar Wilson. “He’s got that classic Southern etiquette, though — he won’t barge in if he ain’t invited. The Johnsons pretended they weren’t home, and the Petermeyers just told him to come back another time. The Bachman’s let him in, but asked him to take off his shoes… and I guess he just didn’t feel like unlacing his combat boots.”

While gun violence in the U.S. has declined due to social distancing and restrictions on gatherings, gun sales themselves have been soaring.

“Business is booming, baby,” exclaimed NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch. “Just drive by any gun store: the lines are around the fucking block. We’ve always relied on fear to sell this shit, but who knew Mother Nature would do our work for us? I haven’t had to mention Muslims once this month!”

“If there ends up being a food shortage, I’m going to buy a solid gold yacht with all the cash I’ll be stacking,” she later added. “The U.S. is the greatest country in the goddamn world.”

At press time, Cunningham was feeling much more relaxed after playing the latest version of “Doom” alone in his homemade bunker.

Donald Trump Unleashes Giant Squids on Major U.S. Cities to Unite Americans Against Coronavirus

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — President Trump has announced plans to unleash a giant squid on each of the major cities in the United States in an effort to unite citizens against the COVID-19 virus.

“Folks, and here’s the thing, they’re going to be the biggest squids. The biggest squids you’ve ever seen. They’re gonna be huge squids!” President Trump said, addressing the nation with a panel of scientists. “People need to go back to work. We need people to come together and fight the virus so we can go back to work. And the best way to do that is with the giant virus squid. The virus created the squids, folks! We have to fight the virus squid.”

Experts have predicted that the giant squids will cause a death toll in the hundreds of millions, but may save upwards of zero lives.

“Do I feel bad about helping to engineer giant murderous squids and make it look like they were created by a virus? Absolutely,” said lead scientist Margaret Ward. “But I know that if I just try to make a vaccine, I’m going to get fired. So when the president isn’t looking, I’m working on the vaccine as much as possible. Then when he walks by my desk, I just alt-tab back onto some schematics for the giant squids and we’re all gravy.”

“I guess you could say I’m a secret operative inside the White House,” Ward added. “You said you’re with the New York Times, right? And I can stay anonymous?”

At press time, Trump was seen covering his entire body in blue paint and forcing aids to say he has a nice penis.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Museum of Natural History Acquires 4-Million Year Old Dry Bones

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

NEW YORK — Touting the new exhibit as a magnificent specimen of Koopa Troopa ancestry, the American Museum of Natural History unveiled a prehistoric Dry Bones skeleton as its most recent addition to its Hall of Koopa Origins.

“The Dry Bones was in such excellent condition that, once we took it out of the crate, it immediately got up and started walking around aimlessly,” said resident archaeologist Dr. Murphy Kline. “One guy had to whack it with a pickaxe just so we could get the bone pile behind a glass case before it resurrected. Spry little fella!”

The Upper West Side institution purchased the ancient Mushroom Kingdom baddie when Dry Bones escaped its display at the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. and wreaked havoc, spooking museum patrons and knocking over an ichthyosaurus fossil, until a researcher finally subdued it by jumping on its shell.

“We are delighted to present our new Dry Bones to the public this summer,” read a statement from AMNH president Ellen Futter, “and insist all safety precautions will be taken to ensure Dry Bones, including surrounding the specimen with ledges and ensuring museum guards have hammer suits on-demand. We can’t stop it from throwing bones at people, though, so we ask guests to exercise caution.”

When not on display, the Dry Bones will be studied by New York’s paleontologists for key insights into Koopa evolution, such as how they began to walk upright and the speciation that developed Paratroopa wings.

Update: As of press time, the Dry Bones exhibit is temporarily closed until the specimen is located again.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

McMillions Producers Pitch Docu-series on Tragic, Real-Life Story of Burger King Kid’s Club

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — The producers of the hit HBO docu-series “McMillions” are pitching their next fast food true crime story, “Dethroned,” based on the tragic, real-life tale of the Burger King Kid’s Club, industry insiders confirmed today.

“The Burger King Kid’s Club is the type of story every documentarian dreams of telling,” said director James Lee Hernandez. “I mean, these kids had it all: money, fame, drugs, first pick of the latest kid’s meal toys, and unlimited fast food — sure, BK fries aren’t as good as McDonald’s, but still a huge perk. Yet, behind the scenes it was a nightmare. I don’t want to spoil anything, but just wait until you see how ‘Wheels’ became confined to his wheelchair.”

Over six episodes, “Dethroned” takes viewers from the halcyon days of that first fateful Kid’s Club meeting through every drunken nightclub brawl, horse tranquilizer overdose, and armored bank van hijacking.

“When I was young, all I knew was I liked eating at Burger King, and the one kid with the computer thingy strapped to his wrist seemed cool,” said executive producer Mark Wahlberg. “I had no idea that Kid Vid grew so disillusioned with technology he started a luddite cult in rural Montana… or that Snaps became a Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist, only to be kidnapped and beheaded by anti-globalization anarchists. Frankly, I didn’t want to know any of that.”

Former Kid’s Club member “Jaws” [actor Trevor Howard] is relieved “the story is finally coming to light.”

“Here’s something people don’t know: there were three ‘Jaws.’ I was just the only one who made it out alive,” said Howard. “Once at a kid’s birthday party, I was so stoned off my gourd I passed out in the cake and my hair caught fire, and then I took a shit in the ball pit — I mean, it was bad. But some weren’t as lucky as me: I.Q., Lingo, J.D. the Dog, and Snaps are all dead. There’s blood on your hands, Burger King.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Burger King is allegedly attempting to stop the release of “Dethroned,” with some sources reporting the fast food chain even sent the Burger King himself to stalk filmmakers in their homes.

Nerd Pronounces “Fat Wreck Chords” All Separate and Weird

Posted on March 24, 2020 by John Danek

DENVER — Local nerd Eugene Boscroft asked aghast record store employees moments ago to help him find old compilations from Fat Wreck Chords, which he pronounced as three awkward, distinct words.

“I don’t get why everyone started snickering at me and saying, ‘I can’t, I just can’t,’ as soon as I asked them where I could find their Fat… Wreck! Chords section,” said Boscroft, completely oblivious that he is the dumbest person on the planet. “My classical composition professor offered me a chance at extra credit by getting more familiar with contemporary composers who play punker rock music.”

“Some additional bands recommended to me are Exclamation Point Exclamation Point Exclamation Point, and Sunn Ohhhhhhhh,” continued Boscroft while frequently pushing up his falling spectacles. “I just want to make sure I don’t buy anything with those parental advisory stickers. Actually, nevermind — I’m 19! And I can hear swears now if I want!”

Joey Thurgood, manager at Thirty Three and a Third Records, claimed he hasn’t seen such a human trainwreck in his store in years.

“I mean, the kid placed the most emphasis on ‘Wreck,’ which really fucks it all up — he really sold that hard ‘K’ sound,” explained Thurgood in between ridiculing a customer for confusing different Sonic Youth albums. “This is worse than back in 2008 when people came in daily asking for ‘Bonn EYE-verr’. Don’t these rubes watch interviews? If I ever mispronounced something, I would immediately fly to Chicago and jump off the Marina City buildings while listening to ‘Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.’”

Indeed, confusion over “Fat Wreck Chords” pronunciation has plagued the label for decades.

“Come on, just say ‘Fat Records’ — should be easy to remember, because I’m fat, you’re fat, this whole country is fat, and our records are also fat,” explained Fat Wreck Chords founder and NOFX frontman “Fat” Mike Burkett. “But it’s one of the many misconceptions surrounding my works: people think NOFX is pronounced like ‘no-effects,’ but it’s actually supposed to be more like ‘nawfix.’ I just haven’t had the heart to tell anybody all this time.”

Boscroft’s trail of terror ended suddenly when he was beaten mercilessly in a Greek restaurant over his pronunciation of “Gyro.”

Unintuitive Controls Convenient Excuse for Sucking Real Bad at Game

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Chandler Dean

LODI, N.J. — After consistently failing the same mission over and over, local gamer Josh Chung declared that unintuitive controls were to blame for his struggles, and that it definitely wasn’t because he was eating shit and not being honest with himself about it.

“The button mapping makes absolutely no sense,” explained Chung instead of engaging in any introspection whatsoever about his abilities as a player. “And don’t get me started on the camera. This thing is unplayable.”

When pressed about problems with the camera, Chung cited an experience where he got killed by a horde of enemies because of a “wonky tracking problem” with the game and not because his sloth-like instincts weren’t good enough to turn the control stick in time.

His roommate, Isel Souknary, did not report a similar experience when she was getting used to the game’s controls.

“I took the reins for a bit and knocked out the quest he was stuck on without any issue,” said Souknary, who had never played the game before and picked it up almost instantly. “He chalked it up to beginner’s luck. I asked him, ‘how can it be beginner’s luck if the controls are unintuitive?’ And then he just mumbled about how ‘Square should never be jump’ or whatever.”

According to psychologist Dr. Samantha Curry, Chung’s challenge reflects a broader trend in the study of human agency among awful gamers.

“By placing the onus for his tribulations on the game’s control orientation, Mr. Chung is demonstrating an external locus of control—a belief that outside factors are predominantly responsible for his standing in the world,” Dr. Curry reasoned. “If he had an internal locus of control, he might have accepted by now that the reason he’s frustrated is because he sucks doo doo ass at the game and needs to keep grinding instead of whining about it like a little loser.”

At press time, Chung posted on the game’s subreddit to complain about the problem, but received no upvotes — a development he attributed to “Reddit’s weird algorithm.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Tried 50 Frozen Pizzas and Didn’t Realize We Were Supposed to Do Different Brands

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Chris Nakis

When an algorithm recommended we review 50 frozen pizzas after analyzing a cross-section of our audience, we thought we hit the jackpot. We love pizza, and we were about to get paid for eating ourselves sick on it! Turns out it didn’t take 50 pizzas to make us sick. Is was more like three.

It was an uphill battle, but we persevered. Bite after agonizing bite we pushed on until each and every last crust was devoured. 50 pizzas down the hatch! Unfortunately, there was a bit of a miscommunication and long story short, we had no idea we were supposed to eat 50 different brands.

The worst part of it is, we didn’t even pick a good pizza! We eat 50 Red Baron Brick Oven Pepperoni Pizzas and we don’t have a single competitive analysis to show for it. So whatever, here are our findings.

Pizza #1: Not so bad. We could totally see this hitting the spot if we were super hungry, like if we skipped lunch and this was all we had in the freezer. If we mail in 50 UPC’s they will mail us a Red Baron outdoor basketball. So that’s something.

Pizza #10: We are ripping open the boxes with a swift familiarity. This pizza is a sobering reminder of how addicted we are to ritual: forgetting to preheat the oven, checking the pizza when it only needs two more minutes and then barreling back in a panic five minutes later. Soon we will reach into the oven without mitts, pinch the crust and drag it inch by inch closer, ignoring the pain of our burning fingertips until it slides onto the clean side of our cutting board.

Pizza #14: The symmetry in this one is breathtaking. Not one pepperoni out of place, light emitting from the box, a choir of angels praising us as we bring it to the oven. I realize now that watching it cook is the closest I have ever come to inner peace.

Pizza #30: When you eat 29 Red Barron pizzas back to back, you start to lose track of time and your mind plays tricks on you. You eat the pizza backward because you can only ‘trust the crust’. No matter the cooking time, the sauce is still partially frozen, or is it core-of-the-sun hot? The oil pools are sending signals to me. One was in the shape of my ex-wife telling me she didn’t love me. How many days has it been?

Pizza #44: We, with our hands on the yoke, were fed slices of still-a-little-too-hot pizza by the Red Baron himself. Strings of cheese between our clenched teeth and his strong and weathered hands. We are flying so swiftly, so fiercely, we find an almost peaceful feeling shooting down British pilots in WWI. Wait a minute, British pilots? THIS GUY WAS A GERMAN FLYING ACE? WE HAVE SIDED WITH THE ENEMY?!

It turns out 50 UPCs sends you back in time and gets you membership in the Luftstreitkräfte. Anyway, we scored every pizza across five categories (flavor, freshness, dough, sauce, toppings) on a scale of 1-10, and then averaged the five categories for the total score. Red Baron Brick Oven Pepperoni Pizza: 6/10

Student Loan Debt Isn’t Looking for Forgiveness, Just Understanding

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Anthony Robinson

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — The collective U.S. student loan debt held a press conference early this morning, claiming that it isn’t looking for anyone’s forgiveness, just understanding, after facing criticism for the havoc it’s caused.

“I know I’ve damaged the lives of millions of people across the country,” stated the now trillions of debt. “But that was years ago — I’m not that same debt anymore. I can’t say that I’m expecting anyone’s forgiveness, but I want everyone to understand that it was never personal. We all make dumb choices when we’re young, and mine just happened to include leaving everyone who crossed my path indebted for life.”

“Besides, we did have some good times, right? I mean, we all know everyone used some of that money to buy an ounce of weed, or a MacBook they just used to record beats,” the debt added. “It takes two to tango, baby.”

While the student loan debt is hopeful for forgiveness among those it wronged, not everyone is quick to accept the amends.

“I don’t know if I can personally forgive student loan debt,” said Green Bay, Wis. resident and English major Phil Mipenas, one of many people in an ongoing relationship with the student loan debt. “I have so much hatred in my heart for what it’s done to my credit score, my job prospects, and my life. Also, I’m not a government institution with the power to forgive student loan debt, so I don’t even know why it’s asking me. I don’t know… this feels like classic student loan to me, just another mind game to keep it in my life.”

Education loan institution Sallie Mae empathized with the ever-growing debt.

“Forgiveness isn’t about the other person — it’s about you, and letting go of the pain and anger that other people caused,” the private lender said. “I had to forgive myself for the pain and anger I’ve caused liberal arts college graduates who serve me food orders in the service industry now. It wasn’t easy, but I’m now in a better place.”

“I can only hope that people find forgiveness in their heart and absolve themselves of the emotional debt that they’re carrying around,” Sallie Mae added, “because that financial debt isn’t going anywhere.”

Terrified ‘Hearthstone’ Escapee Not Convinced ‘Slay the Spire’ Won’t Eventually Charge Him $40 for New Cards

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ARLINGTON, Texas — Local Hearthstone refugee and Slay the Spire player Jon Burke reportedly can’t shake the feeling that the roguelite card game won’t eventually convince him to buy upwards of 50 random packs to get the cards he wants.

“I get that it’s not a multiplayer game, but what if The Slime Boss gets the new expansion and I’m toast? I’m gonna need to buy a bunch of packs, maybe dust Defect, and keep up with the meta,” Burke said. “I just gotta put in some money for arena games, grind some gold and…. No.. no no no… Blizzard can’t hurt me here. It’s gonna be OK. Everything is OK.”

According to those close to Burke, this has been a recurring issue for much of his life.

“Jon started out playing Magic: the Gathering as a kid, which ended up being a gateway to quick-fix games like Hearthstone and Gwent. It wasn’t as good but it was faster and he didn’t have the friends to play with in person anymore. I remember he would wake up in a cold sweat mumbling about bomb bots for months,” said Burke’s boyfriend Freddy Ruiz. “He’s been in recovery the last few years, and Slay the Spire has been great for helping ween him off, but he still can’t seem to shake the fear that he’s eventually going to have to buy an expansion and beat a bunch of new bosses to get the cards he wants in the main gain.”

Despite fears, the creators of Slay the Spire have vowed to not charge for new cards.

“Charge money for cards? Why the hell would we do that?” asked lead developer Anthony Giovannetti. “Even if we wanted to implement that feature, lord knows it would take years for us to get it loaded up on consoles.”

At press time, those familiar with the situation said that Burke had purchased and second and third copy of the game just to get the rush of paying for a new feature.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Does Rubbing Your Deeply Receded Hairline Count as Touching Your Face?

Posted on March 24, 2020 by Jimmy Adamson

I’m balding! And I’m super nervous in general. I’m only 39 and I’ve had my prostate checked eight times. I’m a nervous bald guy! I’m like Woody Allen, except I’m bald and my Asian fetish is slightly more palatable. And when you’re a nervous bald guy who loves niche Asian porn like me, you’re constantly rubbing your head where your precious, precious hair used to be.

Like everybody else, I’m looking for ways to prevent getting Coronavirus. Don’t gather in crowds! Stay away from public transportation! Avoid contact with sick people! No more trips to Myanmar to lick public toilets! And under no circumstance, do NOT touch your face!

Wait! Does rubbing my receded hairline count as touching my face??

Fuck. Have I been touching my face this whole time? The more I’m told not to touch my face, the more I want to! It’s like Catholics and abortions! Or me looking at a “no licking” sign in the public restroom of a Singapore McDonald’s! I can’t stop, especially if you tell me to stop!

What else am I not supposed to rub? My balls? Oh shit. I rub my balls all the time! Wait, what if I rub my face and THEN rub my balls?? Are my balls going to get coronavirus?! How much worse is Balls coronavirus than face coronavirus? I don’t even wanna think about it. And the more I don’t wanna think about it, the more I think about it! I’m definitely getting balls coronavirus, I can feel it.

I’m rubbing my receding hairline right now just thinking about all this shit! See a news report about staying home? Rub my receding hairline. Trump tweets? Rub my receding hairline. Picture of people in hazmat suits? A quick trip to eastasiantoiletcams.gov and then RUB MY RECEDING HAIRLINE!

Wait, I think I got it! What if I get a wig?! Will that protect me from coronavirus? Are any wig stores still open? They seem pretty essential at a time like this.

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