ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — The collective U.S. student loan debt held a press conference early this morning, claiming that it isn’t looking for anyone’s forgiveness, just understanding, after facing criticism for the havoc it’s caused.
“I know I’ve damaged the lives of millions of people across the country,” stated the now trillions of debt. “But that was years ago — I’m not that same debt anymore. I can’t say that I’m expecting anyone’s forgiveness, but I want everyone to understand that it was never personal. We all make dumb choices when we’re young, and mine just happened to include leaving everyone who crossed my path indebted for life.”
“Besides, we did have some good times, right? I mean, we all know everyone used some of that money to buy an ounce of weed, or a MacBook they just used to record beats,” the debt added. “It takes two to tango, baby.”
While the student loan debt is hopeful for forgiveness among those it wronged, not everyone is quick to accept the amends.
“I don’t know if I can personally forgive student loan debt,” said Green Bay, Wis. resident and English major Phil Mipenas, one of many people in an ongoing relationship with the student loan debt. “I have so much hatred in my heart for what it’s done to my credit score, my job prospects, and my life. Also, I’m not a government institution with the power to forgive student loan debt, so I don’t even know why it’s asking me. I don’t know… this feels like classic student loan to me, just another mind game to keep it in my life.”
Education loan institution Sallie Mae empathized with the ever-growing debt.
“Forgiveness isn’t about the other person — it’s about you, and letting go of the pain and anger that other people caused,” the private lender said. “I had to forgive myself for the pain and anger I’ve caused liberal arts college graduates who serve me food orders in the service industry now. It wasn’t easy, but I’m now in a better place.”
“I can only hope that people find forgiveness in their heart and absolve themselves of the emotional debt that they’re carrying around,” Sallie Mae added, “because that financial debt isn’t going anywhere.”