Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

5 Tips for Using up All of That Toilet Paper Before It Expires Next Month

Posted on March 26, 2020 by Dan Rice

When coronavirus first reared it’s ugly, highly-contagious head, you panicked and started hoarding as many home essentials as you could get your greedy, obsessively-washed hands on. And why wouldn’t you? For all we know this thing could topple the very concept of society as we know it and if/when it does you don’t want to risk your septic tank’s well being. The last thing you want to be doing during armageddon is trying to schedule a plumber.

Unfortunately in your haste you forgot about toilet paper’s extremely limited shelf life. Looks like you’ve got about three weeks to use up a four-gross motherload of Charmin Ultra Soft before it all goes bad.

Sure you could donate to people in need, but why should you help a bunch of rubes who didn’t have your foresight wipe their asses in comfort? You bought 576 rolls of quality TP for you, dammit. Here are five handy tips for burning through essential resources in a time of crisis.

5: Keep A Terrible Diet
Try shitting more! Over the next three weeks you’re going to want to spend as much time on the crapper as possible. Otherwise, you have officially wasted your money. Go high fat but nothing that hasn’t been heavily processed, and don’t skimp on the mayo!

4: TP A House
Remember when the neighbor kids hit up your yard on mischief night? It’s payback time! Just remember to hit them right before it’s supposed to rain, otherwise, there’s a chance they could collect and use your toilet paper for it’s intended purpose.

3: Use It As A Towel
There’s dry, and then there’s toilet paper dry. Honestly, once you experience the absorbent power of TP after a nice hot shower you may never go back.

2: Make Friends Out Of Toilet Paper
Sort of like Wilson in castaway, but with toilet paper! There are a few ways you can go about this. You could simply draw a crude face on the rolls with your wife’s old lipstick (it’s been four years, she’s clearly not coming back for it) but that only eats up one roll per buddy. If you really want to burn through that crapper wrapper you should try paper mache! Turn your excess TP into a full-sized human-shaped friend. Maybe even pretty it up a little (again, Beth’s lipstick) and enjoy an intimate evening!

1: Fuckin’ Burn It
When Napoleon retreated from Russia, the farmers burnt their own crops down to help starve out his army. This is like that, but with shitting.

Homebound Worker’s Complaint About Cat Forwarded to HR, Who Is Just His Other Cat

Posted on March 26, 2020 by Jerrod Kingery

AUSTIN, Texas — Social media marketing manager Anthony Skipper forwarded a complaint about his tortimese housecat Nickels moments ago to his HR rep, Sassafras, who is just his other cat, while working from home amid the coronavirus pandemic.

“I mean, it’s been non-stop harassment since I set up my desktop computer in my home office,” Skipper recounted. “As soon as Nickels got done batting the keyboard cable dangling off the edge, she kept fucking switching between maniacally licking me and biting me on my calf.”

The tension between Skipper and Nickels, whom Skipper adopted from a local shelter seven years ago, had allegedly grown so unbearable that he took his complaint to the office’s human resources representative — a female calico named Sassafras.

“When I found cat barf on my stack of invoices and saw Nickels just staring at me from on top of the bookcase, I’d had it,” Skipper said. “So I went straight to Sassy… and she didn’t give two shits. She just slowly closed her eyes, turned her head and started licking between her toes.”

“What the fuck is the point of having cat HR if cat HR doesnt take things seriously?” Skipper added.

Skipper’s director of human resources Andrea Garza acknowledged Skipper’s frustrations, but insisted he needed to be a “better team player under the circumstances.”

“Frankly, Anthony needs to learn how to co-exist in the same workplace as Nickels,” Garza said. “From what I understand after speaking with Sassafras, Anthony’s frustration stems from a cultural disagreement: Nickels is a cat, and cats are going to walk across your computer’s keyboard to eat a bug, or knock over your monitor when they accidentally dunk their tail in your coffee. Honestly, if Anthony won’t come around, he may need to pursue other opportunities. We don’t tolerate discrimination here.”

At press time, Skipper was written up by Sassafras for placing a dead, disemboweled garter snake in the bathroom sink, a.k.a. Nickels’ desk, as a “harmless office prank.”

DNC Escort Mission Incredibly Frustrating

Posted on March 26, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Members of the Democratic National Committee expressed frustration about the annoying escort mission to get former vice president Joe Biden into the White House.

“Escort missions are the fucking worst,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez. “We’re out here running around, shooting down enemies, while Biden just sorta hobbles along in a straight line toward the White House. If he dies, we lose the mission. Do you know how fucking hard it is to keep this guy alive? I swear it’s like he’s looking to get hit by a stray bullet or attack ad. Sometimes I feel like he could die from just getting hit by a cough.”

According to sources within the DNC, the escort mission has only gotten more challenging as the election has gone on.

“Thank god we hit a checkpoint when we took out the last boss, Bernie Sanders, but every time we progress through the mission, Biden’s AI gets dumber,” explained DNC Vice chairman Ken Martin. “We’re not even finished with the primary yet and he’s barely stringing together sentences anymore. Just once I’d love to get an NPC that knows what they’re doing but we’re always stuck with these shitty escort missions for some reason.”

“And don’t even get me started on the bosses,” Martin continued. “I’m worried that Bernie might have a phase two.”

At press time, high ranking members of the DNC were seen hiding behind cover from enemy press screaming “No, no, no, no, just stop!” as Joe Biden walked blindly into it.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

3DS Charger Really Making Drawer a Nightmare to Navigate

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Chandler Dean

DIMEBOX, Texas — As she attempted to locate another power supply that’s actually still in regular rotation, local gamer Willoughby Turner quickly realized that her 3DS charger has made her “cord drawer” an absolute nightmare to navigate.

“You’d think dumping a bunch of cords into a single drawer and then forgetting about it until you need one of them would make life easier,” lamented Turner as she dug through the seemingly endless mire of wires. “But here I am, with no end in sight, and no way to tell where one obsolete cord ends and the next begins.”

Turner, who has not organized the drawer since she established it in 2011, is consistently shocked and dismayed every time she tries to extract a cord from the drawer — only to discover that they are all hopelessly intertwined.

“Is this a USB to MicroUSB cord? Nope, that’s still the 3DS charger,” despaired Turner out loud, to no one in particular. “Is this a Toshiba Hard Drive power supply? Oh wait no that’s still the fucking DS charger.”

Turner’s roommate, Emily Holmes, offered a solution.

“I think she should just take the charger out of the drawer,” Holmes said. “I mean, I have never once seen her actually use it, but I’ve seen her rifling through that hellscape of cables too many times to count.”

Turner balked at the suggestion.

“What, you want me to put the charger in storage just because I never use the device it is for?” scoffed Turner. “Well then, I suppose that means I’ll have to squirrel away all the accessories of my PS Vita, Game Boy Advance SP, and Gizmondo too!”

At press time, Turner realized that she does not know the location of her 3DS.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

REPORT: Cam Girl Only $1,000 Away from Falling Madly in Love with You

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — The cam girl you’ve been throwing money at when you should have been working from home is “probably about $1,000 or so” from falling madly in love with you, sources concerned for your mental health confirmed.

“I’ll never forget the moment we met: it was my eighth day of quarantine, and I was mindlessly browsing porn and ignoring my coworkers on Slack. That’s when I saw my future wife, BabySquirtz4U — she was like an angel that fell from heaven while deepthroating a double-sided dildo,” you said while checking which of your credit cards has the lowest APR. “I know some people would say giving my life savings to a cam girl is crazy, but love will make you do crazy things. Plus, the government is about to send everyone free cash, so I’ll just use that for rent and food next month.”

However, BabySquirtz4U insisted this whole thing is a gross misunderstanding, and your relationship is purely transactional.

“I’ve had some creeps here and there, but this is the first time someone had their mother watch a cam show so she could meet ‘her future daughter-in-law,’” said BabySquirtz4U. “For three hours I had to make small talk with a very sweet, 66-year-old woman while fielding requests for foot shots. Do you have any idea how unsettling it is to talk about where I grew up and about my family while inserting a plug the size of a Monster Energy can in my butthole?”

Indeed, your friend Trevor Morales grew extremely concerned after you sent them a hastily printed “Save the Date” card in the mail.

“Like a lot of people, I know you’ve been going stir crazy lately. But I’m breaking quarantine to come over. You have to snap out of it,” said Morales. “Man. I really thought your sexual rock bottom was in college, when you got shingles and convinced yourself you were in love with Kim Possible. This is way worse.”

The whirlwind romance came to an early end, however, after BabySquirtz4U broke your heart by “cheating on you” with her approximately 5,750 other viewers.

Coup Player Clearly Lying About Being Your Friend

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

BOSTON — Suspecting that one of your card-playing guests obviously cannot be an Ambassador or the Contessa, game night sources report one of these Coup players is clearly lying about being your friend, too.

Multiple sources are confirming that for weeks now, someone at your board game parties has consistently been undermining your moves at Coup, Love Letter, and even Avalon, and only now have you just begun to recognize the subtle tells indicating that whoever it is is just a mean person who has it out for you for no real reason.

“Let’s see, there are five people playing, and only three of them who I really trust as true friends,” you thought, trying to decipher which of these players was really your friend and which one is just an asshole you hang out with and invited to have enough players to make the game interesting. “Plus I know one of them has an Assassin, which means that he was lying about being a Duke, and he couped me, which means he’s lying about being my friend, too,”

“I think… I think Dan might be the asshole?” you deduced before taking income from him.

“And now that I think of it, during the last round I don’t even think he had a Captain card but he kept stealing coins from me and then couped me again,” you continued. “This is the fifth time tonight he’s gotten me out specifically, so I probably should stop inviting him to things because I never have fun around him.”

Eyewitnesses say that, by the end of the night, you had finally made the right move by kicking Dan out of your house, and that nobody else liked him either but everyone was afraid to bring it up.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How to Avoid Self-Care During the Perfect Time to Self-Care

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Erin McLaughlin

With the increase of social distancing amidst the coronavirus crisis, it is truly the perfect time to self-care, which also makes it the perfect time to avoid doing so. Why better yourself when you can replace healthy coping mechanisms such as self-reflection, eating well, and mindfulness with self-pity, binge eating, and catastrophizing!

Here are some tips from The Hard Times to avoid self-care at all costs during this unique break from the pressures of daily life:

Be sure to read the news every second of the day – With the media blasting coronavirus updates non-stop, you may decide that it is more beneficial to binge watch your favorite sitcoms. Although you’re not wrong, you should obsessively absorb the news to ensure that you’ll spiral into a pit of anxiety and depression instead.

Frantically write letters to all of your loved ones for them to read when you die – Have you not told someone your true feelings for them? Have you not told all of your friends and family that you love them in a while? Instead of enjoying their virtual company and support via FaceTime, convince yourself that death is inevitable and start writing death notes for when your temperature exceeds 104 degrees! Also, don’t forget to imagine your own funeral that will surely take place on Google Hangouts.

Stay in bed all day binge drinking and eating junk food – With all stores closed (other than essential businesses such as liquor stores) and events canceled, it’s a perfect time to take a jog around the block. That said, it’s also the perfect time to stay in bed, binge drink, and eat junk food while you think about how nothing matters anymore.

Wallow and feel ashamed of yourself – Staying at home without the hecticness of usual day to day life provides you with a unique opportunity to reflect, and to forgive yourself and others for the past. Alternatively, you should think about everything you hate about yourself and those who have wronged you. Do not, by any means, read a self-help book to heal your childhood wounds, even though you have all of the time in the world to do this or a million other things that will better yourself!

We hope that during this perfect time to self-care, you are doing exactly the opposite.

DVD of “Evan Almighty” Really Fucking Pushing It By Calling Self “Collector’s Edition”

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — A heavily discounted DVD of the Steve Carell vehicle “Evan Almighty” is “really fucking pushing it” by having the audacity to call itself a “Collector’s Edition,” baffled sources confirmed.

“I picked up ‘Evan Almighty’ at WalMart for a dollar, and at first I thought it was a steal. But I quickly realized two things: John Goodman is 100% wasted in this movie, and this DVD has got some massive fucking stones of biblical proportions to dare call itself a ‘Collector’s Edition,’” said disgruntled purchaser Albert Cotrell. “It’s just a single disc with no insert, or bonus disc. I mean, give me a blooper reel or a special effects featurette or something. What kind of masochistic collector would even covet this underwhelming bullshit?”

Cotrell returned the DVD to WalMart, confronting employee Corbin Tierney about the false advertising of the 2007 high concept comedy.

“This lunatic came to the returns desk and threw the DVD case at me like one of those ninja throwing stars. He wasn’t interested in getting his money back; he just needed someone to confirm that it’s insane that it called itself a ‘Collector’s Edition.’ It’s like, dude… I make minimum wage and we’re not allowed to unionize. I’m not going to stress myself out formulating an opinion on a shit sequel to an already mediocre comedy,” said Tierney. “He literally dug the DVD out of a giant cardboard bin next to a stack of single-ply toilet paper. I’m not sure what he was expecting.”

The DVD’s lone special feature is seemingly a bizarre, semi-coherent commentary track featuring director Tom Shadyac.

“God’s not real. Know how I know? Because no God would’ve allowed me to make this career-ruining piece of shit,” said Shadyac during a scene with Morgan Freeman.

Otherwise, Shadyac was mostly quiet for the majority of the movie’s runtime, occasionally breaking the silence with what some believe to be the opening of beer cans.

“You know what? Fuck it. This shit is way better than ‘Bruce Almighty.’ I don’t care how much money we lost. This is funny, alright?” the director then added over the film’s climax. “Jim Carrey is a fucking hack.”

Currently, Cotrell has listed the DVD on Ebay for $750, hoping the high price and “Collector’s Edition” label will fool somebody, anybody.

If Sonic Water Levels Gave You Lifelong Anxiety, You May Be Entitled to Compensation

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

Thousands of gamers across the world are providing testimonials accusing Sonic The Hedgehog water levels of giving them lifelong anxiety in a landmark civil suit case.

“How someone could knowingly expose kids to something so stress inducing is beyond me,” said Hank Deninton, a lawyer involved in the case. “You go from running around in open sunny plains, to desperately chasing bubbles so you don’t have to watch Sonic drown. What kind of sick person makes that?”

Deninton Legal Firm has released a powerful ad to present the stories of those hurt by Sonic Team’s reckless design choices, and bring awareness to their lawsuit.

“All these years later, I still feel guilty,” says one anonymous gamer in the video, fighting back tears. “I know it’s not my fault, but the way he looks at you before falling off the screen? It feels like my fault.”

The screen then fades to black, presenting the text ‘Drowning under your anxiety? Help us make SEGA pay.’

With 15 million sales in the United States, Sonic The Hedgehog could potentially account for over 30 percent of reported cases of chronic anxiety. If SEGA does compensate all those affected for emotional distress, they will become the largest contributor to mental health services in the country.

“The way that they slow you down, taking Sonic’s only power, and then intensify the music as he runs out of air can only be described as barbaric,” said Brianna Stack, a noted psychologist that has done extensive research about the effect of video games on the human brain. “I cannot think of a more compelling reason for the amount of millennials with crippling anxiety than watching a beloved childhood icon succumb not to a fireball or a spikey enemy, but simply watching his lungs collapse as they fill with water.”

As of press time, Sega has resurrected the Sega Hotline, which will now offer tips, tricks, and trauma counseling.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Modern Day Yoko? This Woman’s Boyfriend Is in a Shitty Band

Posted on March 25, 2020 by Krissy Howard

Detroit resident Megan Munoz is a multimedia artist, local activist, musician, and dedicated philanthropist who is best known as “the girl who dates that dude from Lansing who’s in that pop punk seven-piece.” The Hard Times sat down for a chat with the dynamic talent, who some are even dubbing “the next Yoko Ono” for her ability to stick it out with what may be the second shittiest band of all time.

Hard Times: As an artist, activist, and musician, how does it feel to be called “The Next Yoko?”

Megan Munoz: As someone who respects and admires her work it’s an honor, but I haven’t been living under a rock and I know what it means when someone throws that term at me. I think it’s absolute bullshit that just because one woman happened to fall in love with some lame-ass in an overrated four piece, now every woman who dates a guy who’s band sucks wicked bad gets met with the same judgement. Like, anytime I’m literally the only person aside from the door guy at one of his shows it’s just, “Oh here comes Yoko,” or if I tell someone his band opens with a cover of ‘Last Caress’ but ska, it’s nonstop with the, “Oh, Classic Yoko.” It can get pretty exhausting.

It must be hard to be in such a compromised position. Do you ever wish things were different?

It is, but it’s worth it. You can’t help who you fall in love with and sometimes that person still considers Incubus to be one of their favorite bands. No relationship is perfect. He just happened to be in eighth grade when ‘S.C.I.E.N.C.E’ came out, what the hell was he supposed to do? I can’t hold that against him and I don’t.

People don’t seem to have a hard time viewing your boyfriend as his own artist, and entirely separate person for that matter, yet you’re constantly compared to his legacy of sounding like a “lamer Sum 41.” What would you like to see change about that?

I hope that someday people will understand we are both a creative partnership and creative individuals, and that my boyfriend’s name will be synonymous with something more than just discrediting the entire art career I had before we even met.

Is there anything you’d like people to do differently when considering your boyfriend’s absolute shitshow of a band? If so, what would it be?

I wish people could maybe look at the bigger picture for a second and give Pete a chance. That’s all I’m saying. Pete is his name, by the way. But people probably won’t remember that.

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