When coronavirus first reared it’s ugly, highly-contagious head, you panicked and started hoarding as many home essentials as you could get your greedy, obsessively-washed hands on. And why wouldn’t you? For all we know this thing could topple the very concept of society as we know it and if/when it does you don’t want to risk your septic tank’s well being. The last thing you want to be doing during armageddon is trying to schedule a plumber.
Unfortunately in your haste you forgot about toilet paper’s extremely limited shelf life. Looks like you’ve got about three weeks to use up a four-gross motherload of Charmin Ultra Soft before it all goes bad.
Sure you could donate to people in need, but why should you help a bunch of rubes who didn’t have your foresight wipe their asses in comfort? You bought 576 rolls of quality TP for you, dammit. Here are five handy tips for burning through essential resources in a time of crisis.
5: Keep A Terrible Diet
Try shitting more! Over the next three weeks you’re going to want to spend as much time on the crapper as possible. Otherwise, you have officially wasted your money. Go high fat but nothing that hasn’t been heavily processed, and don’t skimp on the mayo!
4: TP A House
Remember when the neighbor kids hit up your yard on mischief night? It’s payback time! Just remember to hit them right before it’s supposed to rain, otherwise, there’s a chance they could collect and use your toilet paper for it’s intended purpose.
3: Use It As A Towel
There’s dry, and then there’s toilet paper dry. Honestly, once you experience the absorbent power of TP after a nice hot shower you may never go back.
2: Make Friends Out Of Toilet Paper
Sort of like Wilson in castaway, but with toilet paper! There are a few ways you can go about this. You could simply draw a crude face on the rolls with your wife’s old lipstick (it’s been four years, she’s clearly not coming back for it) but that only eats up one roll per buddy. If you really want to burn through that crapper wrapper you should try paper mache! Turn your excess TP into a full-sized human-shaped friend. Maybe even pretty it up a little (again, Beth’s lipstick) and enjoy an intimate evening!
1: Fuckin’ Burn It
When Napoleon retreated from Russia, the farmers burnt their own crops down to help starve out his army. This is like that, but with shitting.