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We Tried 50 Frozen Pizzas and Didn’t Realize We Were Supposed to Do Different Brands

When an algorithm recommended we review 50 frozen pizzas after analyzing a cross-section of our audience, we thought we hit the jackpot. We love pizza, and we were about to get paid for eating ourselves sick on it! Turns out it didn’t take 50 pizzas to make us sick. Is was more like three.

It was an uphill battle, but we persevered. Bite after agonizing bite we pushed on until each and every last crust was devoured. 50 pizzas down the hatch! Unfortunately, there was a bit of a miscommunication and long story short, we had no idea we were supposed to eat 50 different brands.

The worst part of it is, we didn’t even pick a good pizza! We eat 50 Red Baron Brick Oven Pepperoni Pizzas and we don’t have a single competitive analysis to show for it. So whatever, here are our findings.

Pizza #1: Not so bad. We could totally see this hitting the spot if we were super hungry, like if we skipped lunch and this was all we had in the freezer. If we mail in 50 UPC’s they will mail us a Red Baron outdoor basketball. So that’s something.

Pizza #10: We are ripping open the boxes with a swift familiarity. This pizza is a sobering reminder of how addicted we are to ritual: forgetting to preheat the oven, checking the pizza when it only needs two more minutes and then barreling back in a panic five minutes later. Soon we will reach into the oven without mitts, pinch the crust and drag it inch by inch closer, ignoring the pain of our burning fingertips until it slides onto the clean side of our cutting board.

 

Pizza #14: The symmetry in this one is breathtaking. Not one pepperoni out of place, light emitting from the box, a choir of angels praising us as we bring it to the oven. I realize now that watching it cook is the closest I have ever come to inner peace.

Pizza #30: When you eat 29 Red Barron pizzas back to back, you start to lose track of time and your mind plays tricks on you. You eat the pizza backward because you can only ‘trust the crust’. No matter the cooking time, the sauce is still partially frozen, or is it core-of-the-sun hot? The oil pools are sending signals to me. One was in the shape of my ex-wife telling me she didn’t love me. How many days has it been?

Pizza #44: We, with our hands on the yoke, were fed slices of still-a-little-too-hot pizza by the Red Baron himself. Strings of cheese between our clenched teeth and his strong and weathered hands. We are flying so swiftly, so fiercely, we find an almost peaceful feeling shooting down British pilots in WWI. Wait a minute, British pilots? THIS GUY WAS A GERMAN FLYING ACE? WE HAVE SIDED WITH THE ENEMY?!

It turns out 50 UPCs sends you back in time and gets you membership in the Luftstreitkräfte. Anyway, we scored every pizza across five categories (flavor, freshness, dough, sauce, toppings) on a scale of 1-10, and then averaged the five categories for the total score. Red Baron Brick Oven Pepperoni Pizza: 6/10

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