Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

John Carpenter Announces Release Dates for “They Live” Sequels “They Laugh” and “They Love”

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Ted Kindig

Legendary filmmaker John Carpenter has announced that his long-dormant “Live Laugh Love” trilogy will finally see completion at Amazon Studios, and we can’t wait to “OBEY” his invitation for a movie date! Set in the world of his beloved 1988 sci-fi romp “They Live,” sequels “They Laugh” and “They Love” are slated for multi-platform release in the second and fourth quarters of next year.

“Believe it or not ‘They Live’ was always my most spiritual film, and these long-awaited sequels will make that clear” the 72-year-old director said in a surprise Instagram Live video. “Yes, it’s about learning to see the ideological distortions underpinning consumerism, but it’s also about learning to giggle in the autumn breeze, to smell the moonlight on a midnight beach, to dance like nobody’s watching you through your television.”

“Obviously, none of this would be happening without Amazon Studios,” Carpenter added. “Seriously. Like, it’s literally impossible for mid-budget artists to tell stories to a mass audience without the involvement of companies like Amazon.”

Picking up immediately after the 1988 film—in which (spoiler!) Nada and Frank’s high jinks revealed a race of elite alien overlords to humanity, “They Laugh” and “They Love” will follow a fresh cast of human characters as they compartmentalize the implications of their servitude and learn to live and grow alongside their extra-terrestrial masters.

“They Laugh” will follow Kumail Nanjiani as a milquetoast comedian competing on an alien talent show for a lucrative sponsorship deal, while “They Love” is planned to center around a plucky career alien’s romantic entanglement with two working-class Franco brothers. Andy Serkis slated to play all of the aliens.

Producers were quick to assure fans that while much has changed, the new films will still feature many familiar elements of the “They Live” brand, including Nada’s fabulous magical sunglasses, archival footage of John Lawrence as “Bearded Man,” and a ten-minute bravura fight sequence only tangentially related to the plot.

Some high profile celebs have been freaking out about the announcement, including Chris Evens, Miley Cyrus, and Slovenian philosopher and pop culture analyst Slavoj Žižek: “These are the sequels for which I would have sold to a witch the left tit of my grandmother,” said Žižek in an artfully shot black and white Patreon vlog. “To live, within ideology, is, I think, to be enslaved to the fetish of collective false consciousness, but to live, laugh, love? This, I think, reminds me of sandals at the beach, and of kissing in the rain, and so on.”

“They Laugh” and “They Love” will be available for consumption in 2021; no further action is required at this time.

Contagious Laugh Leaves Four Dead

Posted on March 23, 2020 by Dom Turek

YUBA CITY, Calif. — A reported breach in self-quarantine last week has left four dead and another two hospitalized after a fit of contagious laughter exposed some local partygoers to the coronavirus.

“I used to be the guy with the funny laugh… and now, I’m just the guy who murdered all his friends,” said COVID-19 carrier David McGee. “I’m just glad the gang got one last big, belly laugh in at my expense before slowly succumbing to their lung scarring and total decimation of their immune systems.”

Many now wish McGee took social distancing protocol more seriously before cracking up his entire crew with his unfortunate-yet-hilarious side-splitting cackle.

“If David could just laugh at a normal fucking decibel like the rest of us — or maybe laugh into his sleeve or something — we wouldn’t be in this mess, and my girlfriend would still be alive,” said survivor Aaron Hooper from his hospital bed. “But, no, he has to laugh like an otter blowing into a kazoo and get the whole room going. We were doubled over, crying and wheezing all over each other like a bunch of asthmatics. Sure, the high-fives didn’t help things, but what the hell are you supposed to do in a situation like that?”

While laughter in general has declined steadily since the 2016 presidential election, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and fellow medical health professionals, emphasize the importance of social distancing yourself from anyone with an unusual or infectious laugh, due to its airborne antibodies.

“Everyone is all jokes and ‘quarantinis’ until they come in here with a 103-degree fever and diarrhea running down their leg,” said Sarah Canella, the head nurse at Mercy Medical Center. “Being around contagious laughter during a pandemic is extremely high-risk behavior — at that point, you might as well be sharing soup with the carrier in a hot tub. In an effort to limit the spread of COVID-19, stay home and away from anyone whose laughter may be described as a guffaw or chortle for the time being.”

At press time, someone in the hospital waiting area did an impression of Pauly Shore trapped in a janitor’s closet in front of McGee, which left an additional three people in critical condition.

Amidst Pandemic, Naughty Dog Allows Employees to Sleep at Home

Posted on March 22, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — With the continuing spread of the COVID-19 pandemic and nonessential businesses being asked to send workers home and close their doors, The Last of Us and Uncharted developer Naughty Dog announced to staff that it would be allowing them to return to their homes to sleep in between shifts.

“Social distancing is extremely important in these trying times, so we’re taking the initiative and allowing the Naughty Dog family 8 hours each and every day to return to their homes to get some distance from their coworkers and probably rest or whatever,” read a statement from Neil Druckmann, Vice President of Naughty Dog. “Development progress on The Last of Us II is obviously going to slow down, considering we’re going to be looking at 112 hour workweeks for the foreseeable future, but we’re anticipating everybody banding together and giving 110% to make up for those lost hours when things go back to normal.”

The move came as a surprise to many longtime employees of the company, which is known for its consistently grueling demands put on workers.

“It’s cool that I get to see my family again,” said one Naughty Dog employee that wished to remain anonymous. “I get to tell my wife and son about the goings-on of the studio while they drag my physically exhausted and emaciated body to my bed. After a crisp 45 minutes of rest I have an alarm so I can do some conference calls to keep development running, and then a bit more sleep, and every couple of days I get woken up by a call from Jason Schreier asking for quotes for his next crunch article. It’s a nice change of pace from napping on the studio couch and getting woken up by an email from Jason Schreier asking for quotes for his next crunch article.”

At press time, Naught Dog President Evan Wells was seen bidding employees farewell for the night by saying “The work never stops, am I right?” and letting his dire implication hang in the air.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

HDMI Cord Seemingly Connected to the Abyss

Posted on March 22, 2020 by Chandler Dean

SHAMONG, N.J. — After attempting to disconnect her Xbox One, local gamer Kim Mahoney discovered that her HDMI cord was apparently connected to a bottomless chasm from which no mortal could return.

“I don’t really go back there much, so I knew it was gonna be messy,” Mahoney explained, “but I was honestly surprised at the yawning depth of the impenetrable darkness lain before me. I stared into the void, and the void offered little in return beyond despair and a harrowing reminder of my own mortality.”

As she sought to reach the other end of the HDMI cord, Mahoney weaved her arm between unidentifiable wires, surge protectors, and most of all, absence manifest—to no avail.

“It’s so annoying,” an exasperated Mahoney sighed. “I just wanted to clean up the arrangement of my home entertainment system, and instead I got enveloped in the crevasse separating my dwelling from the unknowable realm living within the pitch black cavity we know colloquially as ‘the space between the TV and the wall.’”

“Plus,” Mahoney added, “it’s all dusty back there!”

The vacuum of space consuming her HDMI cord was far from the only portal into oblivion Mahoney identified in her apartment.

“Just the other day, I dropped one of my Switch cartridges between the couch cushions,” Mahoney recalled. “I went to fish it out, and my feeble scrawny hand was no match for the profound emptiness that pervades all things.”

“To wit,” Mahoney continued, “when I opened my closet earlier today in search of DK Bongos, what I found was not DK Bongos at all, but a ceaseless vacuity of nothingness. The exact opposite, in fact, of DK Bongos.”

At press time, Mahoney balked at the suggestion that she simply move her media console 6 inches forward to see where the HDMI cord was actually connected.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Diabolical Mailing List Admin Twirling Mustache and Cackling at Dead “Unsubscribe” Link

Posted on March 22, 2020December 10, 2025 by Louie Aronowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Email marketing specialist Seth Samael, widely considered one of the most diabolical internet admins, was seen twirling his mustache and cackling yesterday after getting millions of hits on a dead unsubscribe link, horrified sources confirm.

“Of course we put a link to be taken off the mailing list at the bottom of every email, but unbeknownst to the user, that link always goes to a 404 error page,” said Samael, clad all in black while waxing his mustache to get a perfect super-villain twirl to it. “It’s not even a real error page — the link technically works perfectly fine, it just leads to a page that says ‘error’ so you can never unsubscribe. The best part about it? Most of the users never even signed up in the first place.”

Email recipients were extremely frustrated by the dead unsubscribe link, with some going so far as to try and manually block the list.

“I opened up the HTML to take a look, and that link is coded to never work, so I then marked them as spam… but I just ended up on different mailing lists for Korean beauty products,” shouted Robert Jennings directly at Gmail after another email showed up from the same list. “This mailing list is like the Hydra: if you managed to get off one, two more will show up under different names and take its place. It’s like a digital Sisyphus torture.”

Several of the world’s most diabolical tech overlords have taken notice of Samael’s horrifying concept, incorporating similar ideas into their own companies.

“I’ll see your dead unsubscribe link, and raise you a ‘sign all your Facebook friends up for that mailing list as well,’” said infamously brilliant tech super-villain Mark Zuckerberg from high atop his lair overlooking Dolores Park. “And when you try to unsubscribe, forget the 404 error — mine will bring you to an ad-filled page that automatically downloads your search history, so we can sign you up for hundreds more ‘relevant’ mailing lists.”

While several companies have implemented this tactic to their mailing lists, LinkedIn confirmed they do not — website developers at the company say their unsubscribe link “legitimately just doesn’t work.”

Coronavirus Forces Punk to be Unemployed From Home

Posted on March 22, 2020 by Mark Bouchard

CHICAGO — Local punk Allen Prestigiacomo is now unemployed from home, thanks to Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker’s decree forcing bars and dine-in restaurants to close their doors to the public, sources whose day-to-day life haven’t changed at all confirmed.

“I mean, I get it — instead of wandering around the streets calling people yuppies, I’m at home on my couch doing it online,” said Prestigiacomo. “The biggest adjustment for me has been how hard it is to steal alcohol from stores: people are a lot more on edge, and as soon as I’m in there and cough once, everyone has eyeballs on me. I’m lucky I have parents who’ll send me money to get through the quarantine. Some of my friends are just shit out of luck.”

While many service workers are already out of work, those who can are working from home in an effort to further isolate themselves and “flatten the curve” of infections.

“I was really, really pissed at first that Pritzker ordered all the bars and restaurants closed, ‘cause that meant I’d have to hang out with Allen all day. I thought I’d have trouble getting my work done, but after the first day, things got pretty easy,” said paralegal Dan Porto, Prestigiacomo’s roommate. “I don’t know where Allen’s going, but he hasn’t been home. Maybe he’s been at his girlfriend’s place? I guess that would make sense. All I know is I’m getting my work done, and it’s keeping my boss off my ass.”

Meanwhile, individuals whose work was previously deemed low-skill are now finding themselves being legally considered “essential” — including third roommate, grocery store cashier Adam Holt.

“Allen said he’s been isolating himself? He’s been drinking beer in our parking lot for the last few days,” said Holt. “I will say, though, that most people have been good about following precautions. Usually we have teenagers here just spitting gum into each other’s mouths before they go and jerk each other off out back… but now, it’s just a bunch of people wearing gloves and facemasks, trying not to lose their minds.”

At press time, Prestigiacomo was complaining about no longer dumpster diving behind his favorite restaurants.

Gamer Who Hasn’t Had a Glass of Water in a Week Says He Gets Physically Ill Seeing Game at 30 FPS

Posted on March 22, 2020 by Kellen Beck

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Upon seeing the Nintendo Switch port of Dark Souls: Remastered in action, local gamer Ethan Bain, who hasn’t had a drink of water in the last seven days, complained that the framerate made him physically ill, witnesses said on Sunday.

“I’m just so used to the refresh rate on my monitors, which can easily handle the high FPS output of my PC’s GeForce RTX 2080 Ti,” Bain said, taking a large sip from a bottle of Dr. Pepper. “When I saw that Asylum Demon moving at such a chunky rate on the Switch, I almost threw up.”

Bain, whose Brita pitcher has gone untouched in his fridge for nine days, spoke at length about how much better it is to play games at 60 FPS or higher and explained why it’s important to have a powerful PC capable of producing reliably high framerates.

“I put so much time and money into my rig because I want to have the best gaming experience possible,” he said, licking his chapped lips with his tongue which was only slightly less dry. “Why would I torture myself with a subpar experience due to low framerate? Some people just need to be constantly reminded to invest in good equipment. Hang on, I’m just going to dim my lights a bit and grab some Advil. I’m still feeling the headache I got from looking at Dark Souls.”

As of press time, sources say that after lying down for a few minutes, Bain jolted up after remembering that he was overdue on replacing the water in his PC’s liquid cooling loop.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I Traveled the World for Only $40 and All I Got Was This Fatal Disease

Posted on March 22, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

I’ve always wanted to travel but it’s so expensive. Airfare, lodging, food; it all adds up very quickly. Anytime I saw those posts online about people finding themselves and having the experience of a lifetime, I would scoff, thinking, “Sure, must be nice to be rich.” Well all of that changed when this plague hit the scene. Now we all get to live like millionaire trust fund kids. It’s incredible. I traveled the world for only $40 and all I got was this fatal disease!

First, I caught a flight to England. $11 on Delta then rode the Metro, where no one was around, so I just kinda walked on for free. And don’t you worry, I made sure to take in every moment and really appreciate the experience by physically connecting with every surface.

Next I made my way to France where I was treated to a latte and croissant at a cute little cafe. Because of the lack of customers, the place was throwing all the food out so it was free. I figured I’d just tip the server, oh but wait, while I was there I learned the servers there don’t work for tips, so he declined. He didn’t even want to touch the cash. I haven’t checked my account but I think I actually made money while in France.

Where did I sleep? Here’s a sweet tip for ya: hostels are accepting hand sanitizer and toilet paper as currency. I bunked up with this dude, Benson. It was tough to get to sleep, partially because Benson couldn’t stop coughing, but mostly because I knew I was off to Scotland the next morning.

Finally, off to Scotland to hunt the Loch Ness Monster, track the Highlander, and finish my trip strong at the Lagavulin distillery. Had to splurge on a camera so I could get pics of Nessie and my phone battery was low. $7. And Lagavulin’s entrance fee was $10. Well worth the splurge.

Coming home was free. Literally FREE. Spirit Airlines, Scotland to New York, $0. Isn’t that insane?! I went to England, France, and Scotland for $28.* I got thirsty and bought a bottle of water at Newark, so, total $40. I also caught a global pandemic and, I know what you’re thinking, yes I could have just stayed home and caught it. Sure. But I don’t see myself as a contagious citizen of the United States. I’m a contagious citizen of the world.

*Note, the trip ended up costing more than $40 because the ambulance from Newark to the hospital, plus the entire hospital stay cost somewhere in the $60,000 range. Probably should’a stayed in Europe.

Website Has No Idea What to Do With Actual Horny MILF In Your Area Who Just Signed Up to Fuck With No Strings Attached

Posted on March 22, 2020 by Charles Bill

DETROIT — The operators of popular pornography site PornGash were confused and panicked last night when an actual local, horny MILF activated a profile with the hope of sucking the cocks of nearby men in relative anonymity, sources actively avoiding the woman’s emails confirmed.

“I am utterly befuddled,” said site developer Marcus Honosky. “When we set up this website, it had only three functionalities: show pictures of a fake woman on a porn site, collect the credit card information of morons, and send that credit card info to Armenia where our partners split it with us 50/50. But then out of nowhere, this woman created a profile and started asking us when she could start rubbing and tugging horny men nearby. I really don’t know what to tell her… I mean, we do have hundreds of guys basically begging for this service, but we only have a chat bot programmed to steal their banking login information.”

Reggie Vitek, the founder and scam-master of the site, tried to make sense of the situation.

“This MILF is hornier than anything I’ve ever seen — and trust me, I have seen some extremely horny women in my time,” Vitek fibbed. “She’s been threatening to come to our office to suck our cocks if we don’t start delivering soon. This woman is insatiable. The weirdest part is, we don’t actually have a system set up for her to make a profile, yet she still was able to upload a photo and send messages to our users.”

The dick-starved MILF in question, who simply wants to fuck tonight while her husband is out of town, is 43-year-old mother of two, accountant, and “total smokeshow nymphomaniac” Madelyn White.

“I’m looking for a young guy who can fuck me while my kids are away at camp. I sent out messages like, ‘Hey hunie cn u show me ur dik,’ but so far, zero responses. So maybe I’m doing this wrong,” White said while frustratedly gyrating on her office chair. “These kids don’t realize that watching porn won’t get them laid, but me — a horny MILF who is right around the corner — will nail them right now. All they have to do is message back!”

White later updated that she had gotten a lead on a Nigerian prince, who was probably “hung like a stallion.”

Opinion: Dog Owners Must Disclose Probability of Throwing Ball

Posted on March 22, 2020 by Jon Lalu

First of all, woof.

Secondly: we dogs have sniffed out a big hole in the gaming community that needs to be dug up right away. Everyone knows that, as a species, we love to play games. And we love treats! Again, this is common knowledge. But lately, there has been a real itch behind our ears.

Our owners have altered the probability of these games for their own enjoyment. That is just a real thorn in our paw, and it should be made illegal via regulatory action by the federal government. This is our demand: owners must tell us how many times they plan on not throwing the ball versus actually throwing the ball.

We don’t enjoy lying down and being bored. We are gamers at heart — it’s in our nature. We are always waiting for that squishy, squeaky sound that lets us know fun is on the way. You throw the ball. We retrieve it. Solid game mechanics. No less a source than DGN has called Fetch a “timeless classic” that is “as inventive as it is replayable.” We can play this game forever!

Then it happens: you act like you’re throwing the ball, but you don’t. We devote so much time to get good, and then you laugh at us for giving effort to a game you created. Then you wonder why we chew stuff in the house. You wonder why we start barking for no reason.

We know what you’re doing.

You are exploiting our love of games for your own greed. It’s disappointing, because we thought we had a good thing going. We were best friends. It’s not like you can’t have fun, too, if you’re honest about it. If you just let us know that you won’t throw the ball sometimes, it would be a real pat on the head. It would also put you in line with state and federal gambling laws, which you are likely violating, putting you at risk of a class action lawsuit.

Next time you reach for that ball, we want to know what we’re getting into. Otherwise, what once was a great game will become nothing but a cruel cycle of addiction.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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