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Website Has No Idea What to Do With Actual Horny MILF In Your Area Who Just Signed Up to Fuck With No Strings Attached

DETROIT — The operators of popular pornography site PornGash were confused and panicked last night when an actual local, horny MILF activated a profile with the hope of sucking the cocks of nearby men in relative anonymity, sources actively avoiding the woman’s emails confirmed.

“I am utterly befuddled,” said site developer Marcus Honosky. “When we set up this website, it had only three functionalities: show pictures of a fake woman on a porn site, collect the credit card information of morons, and send that credit card info to Armenia where our partners split it with us 50/50. But then out of nowhere, this woman created a profile and started asking us when she could start rubbing and tugging horny men nearby. I really don’t know what to tell her… I mean, we do have hundreds of guys basically begging for this service, but we only have a chat bot programmed to steal their banking login information.”

Reggie Vitek, the founder and scam-master of the site, tried to make sense of the situation.

“This MILF is hornier than anything I’ve ever seen — and trust me, I have seen some extremely horny women in my time,” Vitek fibbed. “She’s been threatening to come to our office to suck our cocks if we don’t start delivering soon. This woman is insatiable. The weirdest part is, we don’t actually have a system set up for her to make a profile, yet she still was able to upload a photo and send messages to our users.”

The dick-starved MILF in question, who simply wants to fuck tonight while her husband is out of town, is 43-year-old mother of two, accountant, and “total smokeshow nymphomaniac” Madelyn White.

 

“I’m looking for a young guy who can fuck me while my kids are away at camp. I sent out messages like, ‘Hey hunie cn u show me ur dik,’ but so far, zero responses. So maybe I’m doing this wrong,” White said while frustratedly gyrating on her office chair. “These kids don’t realize that watching porn won’t get them laid, but me — a horny MILF who is right around the corner — will nail them right now. All they have to do is message back!”

White later updated that she had gotten a lead on a Nigerian prince, who was probably “hung like a stallion.”

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