It’s Time We Remove the Stigma of Talking Openly About Our Mental Illness With Total Strangers in the Costco Checkout Line

It’s 2020 and the labels that were once put upon people suffering from mental illness have fallen away. It’s finally okay to let people know you’re struggling with anxiety or depression. However, there is still one place that still stigmatizes mental illness and that place is the Costco checkout line.

Have we truly progressed as a society if we cannot have a loud, manic episode in front of dozens of people while attempting to buy five rotisserie chickens, a pallet of cat food, and a seventy-inch plasma screen TV? People should not be giving me sour looks as I openly list all of my medications as they try to buy their egg whites and wine.

Sure, maybe it is a little off-putting for me to be wandering the aisles while screaming a list of my biggest fears, but it doesn’t have to be that way if we as a society don’t let it. Also, maybe it isn’t me that’s weird for calling my therapist while sitting on the model patio furniture and putting him on speakerphone. Maybe, it is society that’s weird. Yeah.

Okay so maybe I shouldn’t have explained the complicated relationship I have with my mother to the free sample lady. But it is her fault for asking me how my day was. And had those taquito samples been ready when I walked up then this exchange would have never happened in the first place.

The point is that if we are open about our own suffering then others will be open to show theirs. This way we all heal. Costco doesn’t seem to understand this and that’s probably why they fired me two months ago.

CDC Suggests Fornicating With Roommate Not Considered Cheating While Under Quarantine

ATLANTA —The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is urging people to give a “free pass” for intercourse between roommates social-isolating to contain the novel coronavirus, according to a press statement issued earlier today.

“To prevent the spread of COVID-19, we highly encourage couples who do not reside in the same household to allow sexual intercourse between roommates,” the statement read. “We hope all monogamous relationships make this exception, considering the emergency state of loneliness and horniness the country is facing. Rather than risk possible contamination, try Facetiming while your signicant other while they have sex with someone who already lives in their residence. Digitally cucking could save lives.”

“Exceptions to this recommendation include pets and family members,” the statement added in bold, italicized, and underlined letters. “Repeat: we do not condone incest or beastility.”

The new suggestion may cause complications to already strained relationships during the current high-anxiety situation.

“The measure seems a little extreme,” said local woman Jennifer Lozano, who has been in a fight with her boyfriend since she started self-isolating last week. “I don’t know what’s wrong with just sticking to masturbation — the government should be sending out free vibrators instead. My boyfriend’s roommate would have a better time that way.”

Unsurprisingly, others disagreed with Lozano.

“Oh, hell yeah!” exclaimed Zak Heath, Lozano’s boyfriend of four months, upon hearing the updated guidelines. “My roommate is really hot, and I always thought we’d hook up if there wasn’t a goalie, if you know what I mean. Who can I high five over this?”

The CDC was careful to note safe practices for roommate fornication, including “using protection and urinating afterwards, and then washing your hands after that,” “social distancing immediately after intercourse,” and “avoiding cuddling or snuggling, to prevent catching feelings to respect the health of your primary relationship.”

MMORPG Player Accidentally on Day 32 of Self Quarantine

ATLANTA — Local World of Warcraft player John Fleming was on his 32nd day of self quarantining when he learned about the COVID-19 pandemic early this morning, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’ve been grinding it out in-game with my guild, trying to prepare for this big raid we’re working on. I haven’t left my apartment in over a month, I’ve just been ordering delivery every day and focusing on WoW. That’s when I learned about the virus,” Fleming said. “I thought something was fishy when my weekly order of 20 rolls of toilet paper didn’t go through, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”

Many members of Fleming’s World of Warcraft guild expressed concern over Fleming’s discovery of the coronavirus just today.

“It’s definitely a little scary that Fleming didn’t know about this until now,” said night elf archer player Sarah Walton. “I knew about this months ago and I made a vow to not let it affect my WoW playing. But what if this distracts John? Our big raid is tomorrow and we can’t have this pandemic shit freak any of us out.”

“The safest place we can be right now is Azeroth,” said dwarf paladin Frank Hunt. “Thankfully, that’s where we have all been for roughly the last ten years. So I don’t think it’s even possible for us to get coronavirus. I haven’t interacted with people in months.”

As of press time, Fleming announced plans to just wait out the pandemic for the next two years or so.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Strategy Guide: Press the ‘Start’ Button to Start the Game

Gatekeeping in the world of video games is an epidemic. It is our duty as those who are “in the know” to help guide those who are “in the not know” and pass on our knowledge to younger generations. Who are we to hoard information in a time like this? Who are we to hold back newer generations of gamers from experiencing the vast world of imagination that lives inside our consoles, PCs, and phones? We rise above these notions because it is our duty to turn the key to the locks of gaming. I’ve spent my forty years in the desert of gaming to master my skill and I’m in the promised land. Now it’s time to take the hand of those who have not yet been granted access and lead them to it as well.

No confusion is too small.

As they say, “give a man a game, and he can play for upwards of 80 hours. Teach a man to game, and he is a gamer for life.” And so with this guide, I will teach you to game, gamers. I will set you off on your journey to a lifetime of experiences you could not imagine. Morpheus famously said, “I can show you the door, but I cannot open it for you.” Well this guide is showing you the door and opening it for you. I hope you glean what you can from it.

Nothing is more valuable than learning where to begin.

That’s what I’m here to show you.

So let’s begin the guide.

A video game is an electronic game that involves interaction with a user interface to generate visual feedback on a two or three dimensional video display device such as a touchscreen, VR headset, or monitor/TV set. Since the 1980’s, video games have become an increasingly important part of the entertainment industry, and whether are are also a form of art is a matter of dispute.

That’s all straight from the horse’s mouth, if you consider Wikipedia to be a horse, and I most certainly do.

The input device used for games, the game controller, varies across platforms. Common controllers include gamepads, joysticks, mouse devices, keyboards, the touchscreens of mobile devices, or even a person’s body, using a Kinect sensor. Players view the game on a display device such as a television or computer monitor or sometimes on virtual reality head-mounted display goggles. There are often game sound effects, music and voice actor lines which come from loudspeakers or headphones. Some games in the 2000s include haptic, vibration-creating effects, force feedback peripherals and virtual reality headsets.

This, as before, is spoken to us from the same horse. The rest of this guide is all my own words, however.

Once you have access to the screen, once you have access to the controller, and once you have access to your mind — free from distraction and ready to “start,” locate the Start button on your controller.

Press it.

Now you have started.

Sit back, gamer… you’re gaming. You’re in the pilot seat. You’re ready. Nothing can get in your way.

But of course, you cannot press the Start button to start the game unless the game device is on, be it a console, PC, or phone. How do you turn on the console, you may ask? Well I think that’s a perfect question for our next guide.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Jeff Bezos Pledges $10 Billion to Eradicate Coronavirus Sufferers

SEATTLE — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced today he is committing $10 billion of his vast personal fortune to completely eradicate the threat of coronavirus sufferers.

“I will be funding a global initiative to stop this pandemic dead in its tracks — all 250,000 of them,” Bezos wrote in an Instagram post. “Every one of these individuals represents the single biggest threat to our planet, and I want them gone as soon as possible. Earth is something we all have in common. That, and Amazon Prime: seriously, I can get to anyone, anywhere, in a two hour window. And if that doesn’t work, I’m sitting on like, a bazillion gallons of rocket fuel, so trust me — we’re good.”

Bezos’ recent pledge is expected to complement efforts by the Trump administration to contain the spread of the virus in the U.S.

“So far we’ve seen over 11,000 confirmed cases and nearly 200 deaths in this country alone, but thanks to Mr. Bezos’ generous support, we should be able to flip that ratio in no time,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert. “This is part of a collaborative trend we’re seeing across the private sector. Just today, Google launched a screening website to provide anyone showing symptoms with detailed information on how to blow their own brains out.”

Beyond praise from world leaders, Bezos’ bold solution has inspired other wealthy humanitarians to rethink their own approach to crises impacting the global community.

“I just wrote some dude a $500 million check to build one goddamn toilet that turns diarrhea into cherry tomatoes or some bullshit… and now you’re telling me I could’ve spent a tenth of that money on hired muscle to rough up any dumbass who tries to crap in the village drinking well? Wow!” said billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates. “Gee, thanks, Bezos — where were you when Microsoft thought the world needed Bing, or the fucking Zune?”

Shortly after their CEO’s announcement, Amazon confirmed that they will be hiring 100,000 additional contractors to euthanize quarantined Prime Now customers in the convenience of their own home.

Real Life Also Harder on Veteran Mode

DES MOINES, Iowa — After returning from Iraq in January, former Marine and current Elder Scrolls Online enthusiast Zach Meyers has found real life to be challenging, much like the veteran content in ESO.

“I haven’t played heavily in like a year, so right now my gear kind of sucks. But I’m actually pretty used to that,” said Meyers, whose unit was not always appropriately equipped for combat.

Meyers reports having plenty of time to play ESO since being honorably discharged, because he has been unable to find a job that will accomodate his PTSD.

“If I can beat the Rink of Frozen Blood in VMA, I’m sure I can find something,” said Meyers, who is considering driving for Uber.

Meyers said his friends are supportive, but that they don’t always understand the unique challenges he faces.

“A lot of them don’t even realize the U.S. is still sending soldiers to Iraq. My last Tinder date told me that was ‘sooo 2000s.’ Also they keep telling me my rotation is sub-optimal since Zenimax nerfed nightblades in the Elsweyr updates.”

Recently, Meyers spent several hours on the phone with Veterans Affairs’ Debt Management Center about an overpayment in his 2019 benefits. Afterwards, he attempted to relax by “trying to get up onto the fucking rock donut” in the Theater of Despair.

“Facing down soulless demons is tough,” said Meyers, “but so is playing video games.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

They Closed the Canadian Border? Now You Guys May Never Meet My Girlfriend!

Between the pandemic, the quarantine, and now shutting down the border, you guys may never meet my girlfriend. It stinks too because even though she goes to school in Canada, she was supposed to come visit soon. I really wanted you guys to finally meet her and see how awesome she is.

I had this elaborate plan to be like, “Told you she’s real! You guys thought I made her up this whole time, but she’s totally a real person, she just happens to go to a different school in another country, that’s why you haven’t met her yet.” But now that big reveal is canceled… maybe forever.

Listen, she goes to McGill for acting but might be transferring to Harvard for an MBA/JD, cause she’s really smart like that. Like, smarter than all of us combined. Oh, also, she’s super funny, like, should do stand up funny, but, she’s so hot that it would be silly not to get into modeling. She’s in the process of getting her Instagram influencer account set up, making some videos for an energy drink brand (she’s already sponsored), so maybe when that’s done I can show you guys – she doesn’t have any social media quite yet though because she’s in Canada; the internet’s weird there.

Dang! I wish you could meet her. She’s the coolest. I might be able to find some pics of her on Google or Getty Images or something, but honestly, it’ll be better if you don’t see her until you meet her in person. Can’t believe this virus forced the government to shut down the Canadian border literally the day before she was gonna come visit. Talk about bad timing, right?

You guys will just have to take my word for it. She’s super cool, she skateboards, she plays bass in a punk band, she’s great at trivia, can drink all of us under the table, could easily be a model, but like, not in an intimidating way or anything – she’s just a really down to Earth awesome girlfriend, and I love her, and I can’t wait until this border gets reopened so you can all meet her and stop saying I’m making her up… cause I’m not! She’s totally real, she just goes to school in Canada.

Defiant Trump Chugs Cup of Coronavirus to Prove Citizens Need Not Worry

WASHINGTON — President Trump held a press conference this morning to drink a full cup of COVID-19, hoping the gesture will calm the nerves of Americans in these high-stress times.

“Look, down the hatch. No big deal. This is all under control, so under control. We handled it perfectly… unlike Italy, what a mess. They have great spaghetti, though — almost as good as the spaghetti I make at home,” Trump told reporters. “I want everyone to know that we have this fully contained, and even if it isn’t, that it really is Obama’s fault. Now that guy, he was a bad dude. But I have handled this perfectly. People will look back on this and be like, ‘Wow, that was perfect.’”

Members of Trump’s administration admitted they had no idea the President planned to do this.

“Fuck, that was a very bad idea. If anyone finds out who gave him that cup, please let me know so I can personally beat the piss out of them,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. “I need to get out of here before he gets off-stage — for all I know, he has 20 more cups of that shit and expects his friends to drink it as some sort of loyalty test. Plus, he always wants to shake my hand because he thinks my wife is super hot and he’ll do anything to get closer to her, and it’s starting to creep me out.”

Health officials around the globe roundly criticized Trump for the dangerous publicity stunt.

“There are basically two things that could happen now: the first is that the President dies within two hours with the most advanced case of the disease we have ever seen. The second is less likely, but it’s that he drank so much that he becomes immune to the disease and we use samples of his blood to help cure the world,” said WHO spokesperson Lanette Howell. “But it’s almost a guarantee that he dies quickly, and very painfully. That was easily the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Trump concluded the press conference by challenging reporters to supply him with the smelliest thing they could think of, assuring them he could sniff it without throwing up or gagging.

I’m Willing to Abandon My Anti-War Views In Exchange for a Gundam

I have staunch anti-war views, sure. I don’t think that’s unique among young people in America. In many ways I’m just an average, too-old-to-be-drafted kind of guy who grew up watching a lot of anime, especially Gundam. The underlying message the Gundam series is that war is horrific — which I agree with — but since it seems like ending all war is unrealistic, I’ve decided that I’m fully prepared to abandon my anti-war views if having my own Gundam in the future is at all possible.

The US has been in one kind of conflict or another for a majority of its existence, and of course, I am against that, theoretically. War is horrible, but since it seems to be inevitable, there needs to be a weapon so dreadful and so effective it would terrorize anyone who would dare wage war. I am mentally fit and fully capable to be the sole pilot of such a weapon, which I think should be a real life Gundam. The Mk-II, if possible, because that’s my favorite.

Remotely-piloted military drones might as well be last year’s news. What we need is a Bryan-piloted Mobile Suit. If I am entrusted with America’s first Gundam, I can assure you I will be out there with my life on the line every day keeping us safe. Now, normally in the show, you see Gundams fighting other Gundams. So it’s possible that whoever we’re at war with could also develop them. But if not, I’ll just roll up with mine and slaughter the opposing army with their conventional weapons. Thinking of it more, I have to imagine some civilian casualties could occur in that scenario as well. I hope it never comes to that, but as long as I get to fly around in my own kickass Mobile Suit I vow to never contemplate the murky ethics of war again.

One more thing that’s been on my mind: if my opinion can be so easily swayed, what if the whole thing is just a PR problem? Maybe war really is good in some cases. After all, if our government is burning through billions of dollars and over a million lives of military personnel to address these issues, they must know something that I don’t! Also, I’m sure that the government wouldn’t go public with building a Gundam until it was being deployed, so as far as I know it might already be happening. An army recruiter at the mall promised me I’d be able to wield the greatest weapons available to mankind right now, and if that doesn’t just scream Gundam to you, then I guess we just don’t see eye to eye on the matter. Anyway, consider me enlisted!

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Dang, I Was Totally Gonna Go to Your Show This Time Too

Did they cancel your band’s show this weekend because of the quarantine? Ah, stinker! And this was the one I was definitely, for sure planning to go to!

I feel like every time you play a show something comes up and I always miss it. There was that time I had to help my mom get the windows in the kitchen open. Then there was the time my stomach hurt. And now there’s a global pandemic. Crazy. Especially because this time I put it in my phone calendar and made sure to stay available and everything.

It was the album release too, right? I was absolutely gonna buy the record at the show. I’d rather buy it at a show than online so I can make sure you’re getting all the cash, so I’ll wait for the next show to buy it.

The venue was pretty close too, right? Sometimes when you guys play it’s a little far. Like, I’ll be planning to go but then when it comes time to leave I think, “45 minutes to Penn Station, an hour and a half on the Long Island Railroad, then on top of that a $30 Uber to get to the venue. This is too much.” But this was the show was a 10 minute walk so I had no plans to bail last minute.

It’s so annoying, too. It seems like everything is getting canceled because of this crisis. Like, you know how you always text me about going out with you and your fiancé finally because I still haven’t met her? I was totally gonna text you about us all hanging out before the show. This dumb health panic is really messing everything up. Now I gotta just sit home and play video games instead of hanging out and going to see your band.

Didn’t you also have an indie improv show next Monday in Brooklyn, too? I wasn’t gonna go to that anyway so no biggie.

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