Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Metalhead Asks CDC Hotline What to Cough Into If They’ve “Hypothetically” Cut off Their Sleeves

Posted on March 21, 2020 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local metalhead Layne Medema spoke with a representative from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention hotline for well over an hour yesterday, asking where he should cough in the “hypothetical” event he had no sleeves in his immediate vicinity, anxious sources confirmed.

“Pretend for a moment that I’m someone who doesn’t own any shirts accompanied by sleeves because I’ve chosen a life of metal,” Medema said, attempting to hide his bare arms. “The CDC recommends exclusively using your sleeve as your cough destination to prevent the possible spread of coronavirus, but I just can’t go out and buy a whole new wardrobe now that every store is temporarily shut down. The government really needs to step in to provide citizens with relief — and what we need most right now is appropriately sleeved apparel. I’ll take my government-issued Slayer shirt in size medium, please.”

Parents of metalheads have been concerned their children could spread the coronavirus as a result of their fashion choices.

“I knew the day would come when Layne would need those life-saving sleeves again,” said Hannah Medema, mother of the Port Nocturnal guitarist. “We all know sleeves are the first line of defense in stopping the spread of germs and that’s why he’s always sick… or at least, that must be the reason he’s constantly sniffling, getting nosebleeds, and having dilated pupils. What else could that be?”

The CDC is frequently updating their list of recommendations as new preventative measures develop.

“We’ve been getting a record number of calls from concerned metalheads asking to expand on this one particular recommendation, so we’ve come up with a whole separate list just for them,” said Kim Darrelson, CDC hotline operator. “For instance, metalheads should consider carrying around one of their many severed sleeves in their back pocket in case a cough is creeping in — or, go ahead and use the inside of your denim jacket, since we assume those sleeves have also been cut off. And if you’re in a pinch, just tell everyone around you it’s probably just your smoker’s cough and not a highly infectious disease that’s probably going to wipe out everyone over the age of 70. That’s easily believable.”

At press time, Medema was researching how to adjust his facial piercings without touching his face.

Photo by Steven Yuen.

Steam Friend You Don’t Remember Adding Is Playing Morrowind Again

Posted on March 21, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

SAN DIEGO — While waiting for members of his Monster Hunter group to gather up early yesterday evening, local gamer Vincent McKay reported yet another in a long line of many occurrences of an enigmatic Steam friend known only as “Chub” booting up The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind.

“I’ve been following the antics of this mystery friend for years,” remarked a bewildered McKay. “Chub is the only person on my friends list that still plays Morrowind, so tracking changes in their name and profile picture has been easy. Beyond that, I don’t know a damn thing. According to their profile, they’ve played at least half-a-dozen more contemporary games in recent weeks, but if that’s true, I haven’t seen it. I’m just periodically haunted by this ghost when Steam hits me with that popup on the bottom right of the screen.”

Joseph Mulvaney, an investigative journalist, has been recently working with McKay to determine any more details about this strange gaming cryptid.

“I’ve been at it for weeks,” Mulvaney said with a mild tone of defeat. “Can’t pin down an email address, Twitter account, Facebook, Instagram… not even an associated account on any of the other big proprietary launchers like BattleNet or Origin. This elusive phantom accepted friend requests on Steam from no less than five puppet accounts I made, none of which have anything in common, but they refuse to give me so much as a ‘hello’ when I attempt to send them chat messages. I can’t even say for certain that we’re dealing with a human here.”

At press time, McKay was seen hovering over the “Remove Friend” option for Chub, only to back out at the last second, muttering, “I guess they’re not really bothering anyone.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Something Fishy About Private ‘Animal Crossing’ Island That Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Prince Andrew Keep Visiting

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW HORIZONS — Those playing the newly released Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch noted that there was something odd going on with the private island that Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, and other members of the elite keep visiting.

“So there’s this island you can fly to in the game called Little St. James and it’s locked to me for some reason,” said Reddit user u/nookworm92. “But I can see there’s other people there. I see a guy named Whoinsky42, another guy named MAGAMAGATRUMP, and a whole bunch of puppy and kitten residents.”

Hackers were able to figure out the identities of some of the users, including the current president and former president, as well as identify an overhead view of the island.

“It’s really strange. It looks like there’s nothing on the island except some peach trees and a blue and white striped temple,” said user u/l33tspin7. “I haven’t actually seen it or anything, but I keep finding weird information in the code that can’t be real. Something about a secret foot-rub mechanic that a user named SimpsonsLover22 keeps using? There’s definitely something strange going on.”

As of press time, little more information about the private island had been discovered except that its owner, Tom Nook, had mysteriously committed suicide.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Need to Talk About How You Enable My Blame-Shifting

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Eric Navarro

Before we talk about this I’m going to need you to sit down. No, don’t sit on that chair. That’s the one I broke because you made me so righteously angry. Are you trying to trigger me with my own past? And stop apologizing! That’s part of why we need to talk, actually. We need to sit down and have a calm, rational conversation about how you continuously and purposefully enable my blame-shifting.

Don’t look at me like that! With your sympathetic eyes and attentive posture. You keep allowing me to abuse you and, frankly, it hurts me when you allow me to do so. Have you even once stopped to think about how that makes me feel? Of course not because you’re an enabler.

Let’s unpack that. You are an enabler, which means you’re getting something out of this too. But what could you possibly want? For me to feel better? No, that’s too simple. You must be playing at something much more sinister.

Remember last week when that asshole from my work took credit for my idea and how I took it out on you at dinner after a few drinks? When I said it was all your fault for not instilling enough confidence in me to speak up, that was clearly me taking out my insecurities on you for no reason other than you allowed me to do so. And how did you respond? By telling me to go fuck myself and finding a better partner? No! You sat there apologizing and told me I could do anything I put my mind to. I don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life! Also, next time we have dinner with your parents, remind me to tell your mom she sucks at raising children.

I just hope we can get through this. It’s going to take a lot of effort on your part to break this unhealthy cycle you’ve gotten us into. I can promise you that I will do my part and continue to place the blame of all my insecurities firmly on your shoulders if you’ll promise to stop your toxic behavior of allowing me to treat you like that.

Carfax Fox Diagnosed With Coronavirus

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Alex Salcido

NEW YORK — The Carfax Car Fox TV mascot shocked the world this past Monday as the latest to be diagnosed with the COVID-19 virus.

“Thanks for all the good vibes you’ve been sending me: I’m in good spirits, just resting at home with my loved ones,” said Car Fox in an IGTV video. “I was feeling a little under the weather this past weekend, and thought perhaps the right thing to do would be to get checked out… and I’m incredibly glad I did. All that’s left to do right now is hide out for a little bit, keep safe and do my part to ‘flatten the curve,’ as everyone else should. But, hey — remember to stay safe by checking the history of any car you plan to purchase through Carfax, and I’ll talk to you all more soon.”

Carfax immediately released a statement following Car Fox’s video.

“Our hearts go out to our dear friend and leader, and we wish him a speedy recovery,” said Carfax spokesperson Natalie Franks. “His health is paramount to us, and in that spirit, all foreseeable public appearances and shoots featuring our Car Fox have been canceled indefinitely. If you are buying or selling a used car, please remember to clean it thoroughly — COVID-19 could be transmitted even during something as simple as a test drive.”

Friends and peers worldwide have reached out in support of Car Fox since his announcement.

“I’ve known Car Fox for over 10 years. He’ll be fine — that’s one tough-ass fox, and brilliant to boot, ” said fellow mascot The General on his podcast, “Under The Helmet.” “If you’re as smart as he is, you’ll follow suit and keep yourself safe so we can all continue to beat this together.”

Health officials are hopeful that this latest celebrity diagnosis will finally convince those still skeptical about the severity of the virus.

“It somehow wasn’t enough when it got Tom Hanks. We hope this would be enough to get everyone to finally take this seriously,” says New York State Health spokesperson Terrence Samson. “Even our mascots, whether beloved or mediocre, are equally at risk. We implore everyone — mascot community included — to take all steps necessary to protect themselves and prevent any further possible spread.”

At press time, a screenshot surfaced of a deleted tweet from the GEICO gecko, referring to Car Fox’s diagnosis as “fake” and a “shameless, tasteless publicity stunt.” The gecko could not be reached for comment.

Quarantined Gamer Almost Desperate Enough to Start Anthem

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y. — Local gamer Mindy Cunningham, currently in preventive self-quarantine due to the coronavirus outbreak, has become so desperate for games to play in isolation that she’s almost considering picking up Anthem.

“I figured I could play Ori and the Will of the Wisps all week, but I beat that in two days,” Cunningham explained. “I wasn’t prepared for how many games I’d go through in two weeks. I have nothing left on my Steam backlog. Anthem might be my only option at this point. We are living in a nightmare.”

With her backlog fully depleted, Anthem started looking like Cunningham’s only remaining option. According to those familiar with the situation, she tried to stall the inevitable by starting Detroit: Become Human back up again, but she was only able to stomach the game for two hours.

Cunningham lamented that had she realized how serious the global pandemic was going to be, she would have added all those free Epic Game Store games to her library when she had the chance.

“Life is going to fundamentally change for people in the next few months and it’s going to be mentally taxing for many Americans,” said CDC director Robert Redfield. “However, we do need to go on living. If you’re considering buying Anthem, please know that this public health crisis is only temporary and also that Destiny 2 is free to play on Steam now.”

After days of painstaking deliberation, Cunningham ultimately decided that the healthier alternative was to spend her time getting a little extra sleep instead.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If That Were True, My Palms Would Have Floor-Length Dreadlocks

Posted on March 20, 2020 by John Danek

Sex education in America is deplorable. Public schools are still trying to teach abstinence as if half the students aren’t already boning under the bleachers or starting OnlyFans accounts. Myths pervade modern sexual education and we here at The Hard Times feel it’s our duty to dispel these untruths for the youth of America.

More specifically, we’re here to dispel the myth that frequent masturbation will give you hairy palms. And by we I mean me. Because if that were true my palms would have floor-length dreadlocks so gnarly they could play lead bagpipes in Korn. But I do need to state that I would not style them that way as it would be cultural appropriation and that’s just gross.

I’m an expert on this matter. Believe me. Let’s just say I’m a frequent flyer on U-nutted Airlines and these palms are as smooth as a ba- never mind, I’m not going to complete that idiom. Just know that they’re totally hairless.

Another false belief about masturbation is that it will make you go blind. Once again, this is shamefully untrue. Masturbating definitely does not make you go blind. What can damage your eyesight is trying to watch porn on an iPhone 6 or smaller for extended periods of time. That I can also vouch for. Optometrists recommend glancing away from your weird chocolate-covered-feet porn every 20 minutes for at least 20 seconds. But I say just get an iPhone XR. The resolution is *chef’s kiss* with most modern tube sites.

Stick-in-the-mud “experts” will tell you that frequent jerking will result in premature ejaculation. This only happens if you don’t properly take your time in the beautiful process that is self-love. Don’t rush it. Light some candles, put on some Adele, and treat yourself to some raspberry lube. Any of my former lovers would attest that premature climax was never a problem for me, in the unlikely event that they would ever publicly admit to dating me.

And finally, no, self-stimulation will not contribute to acne problems. This is just a myth perpetuated by Big Skincare to keep you sucking from their benzoyl peroxide teat. It’s no wonder ProActiv only seems to advertise during the spiciest entertainment basic cable has to offer.

I’m glad we sat down and debunked some of the lies surrounding the lovely act of touching oneself. However, one myth about jacking off is absolutely true: you WILL go to Hell, and I’ll see you there.

Confused Guy Instinctively Motions for Woman at Gym to Remove N95 Mask Before Talking at Her

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Krissy Howard

HOUSTON — Confused guy and self-described “gym rat” Hunter Brooks habitually motioned today for a woman at a local Planet Fitness to remove her N95 face mask so that he could talk at her, according to astounded sources.

“I saw this fine-ass stacked chick working out over at the leg extension machine, so I figured it’d be a good time to say hi,” Brooks explained. “She had one of those masks on, though, and looked kinda in the zone, so I did the trusty ol’ ‘tappity-tap’ motion to get her to take it off so she could hear me. But instead of looking super-bothered like usual, she got up and just started squirting hand sanitizer all over herself. God, these girls are so stuck up in here — she wasn’t even that hot.”

The woman, Deer Park resident Angie Finkney, was equally irritated and confused.

“I don’t really know what happened there: some guy came over like he wanted to talk, but he just kept pointing at my mask and like, motioning for me to take it off,” Finkney recalled. “I could see him mouthing the words, ‘Hey, what’s up?’ but I didn’t hear him actually say anything. I just got the fuck away from him as fast as I could, and then snapped a pic of him from over by the water fountain to make fun of in a group chat.”

Behavioral anthropologist Dr. Jemima Whedon noted that the phenomenon of men attempting to communicate with uninterested women has been unphased by the COVID-19 pandemic.

“While most of society is adapting to ensure the safety of people everywhere in the face of this quickly-spreading disease, what hasn’t been affected are men’s tireless efforts to convince a woman to remove her headphones,” Dr. Whedon said. “Rather than find new ways to encroach on a person’s personal space, most subjects have simply continued to ask what they’re listening to, move closer while aggressively attempting to make eye contact, and just fucking stand there until something happens — despite the fact that nothing is obstructing the other person’s hearing.”

Brooks was last seen telling another masked woman leaving the gym that she’d be so much prettier if she tried smiling every once in a while.

Sephora Launches New Majora’s Mask, Leaving Women Exfoliated and Burdened With Dark Magic

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Camillia Nazanin

SEATTLE — Sephora patrons rushed into local stores early Friday for the launch of Majora’s Mask, Nintendo’s limited-time exfoliation product, only to complain days later about the unexpected dark magic that accompanied their purchase.

“I’ve dealt with mild breakouts for years, and this mask really seemed like the answer to my prayers,” said skincare enthusiast and Seattle University student Jasmine Shattuck, adjusting her sunglasses. “It was pretty easy to apply and felt great. But then things started to get… weird. At first my eyes got a little redder, and I thought the ingredients were just irritating them. But now they’re this ugly shade of red and yellow and glow like I’m some freak experiment. How the hell is a girl like me supposed to date?”

Other customers faced more severe consequences of the product’s dark forces.

“My boyfriend can’t talk or eat or sleep,” said local fitness trainer Hayley Miller, her voice cracking as she dug in her purse for a tissue. “It’s all my fault. I wanted to surprise him with a fresh and beautiful face. I had just washed off the mask, and the second he walked in, I looked at him and POOF. Turned him into a stupid block of wood. Now he won’t answer me, he won’t move. He’s acting like this one scrub I dated years ago.”

While most stores have been accepting refunds, managers reported that the company is not responsible for buyer dissatisfaction.

“Look, we just sell the products,” said Sephora client experience manager Jim Costanza. “You got problems with the side effects, take it up with the lab guys. We want to give people the best skin possible, but we’re not bending over backwards to fix any terrible fates.”

Nintendo did not respond to requests for comment, though as of press time, the company had already begun advertising its newest skin product, Super Mario Sunscreen.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Punk House Adds More Water to Dr. Bronner’s Bottle to Prepare for Coronavirus

Posted on March 20, 2020 by James Knapp

PORTLAND, Maine — Residents of local punk house the Fire Trap added more tap water today to the house’s already severely diluted bottle of Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap to help combat the COVID-19 pandemic, overconfident sources confirmed.

“This whole coronavirus thing has gotten really serious. We knew it was time to take action,” said house resident Kenzie Stillwell. “But after stocking up on ramen and Steel Reserve, we didn’t have any money left for a new Bronner’s bottle, so we figured we’ll just water down what we’ve already got. It might be a little thin, but it should get us through, right? I mean, it’s not like this is the first time we’ve done this — we’ve had that same bottle for like, six years at this point.”

Property manager Bud Miller did not seem confident, however, in the residents’ ability to avoid the disease.

“That whole house is like a petri dish for deadly infections. I’ve actually seen rats refuse to go near it because of how gross those guys are,” said Miller. “I did my part to keep the place up to code, but at a certain point, you’ve just gotta cut your losses. Best guess, there’s a 99% chance that everyone in that place gets the coronavirus twice… if not a mutated version of the virus that is far worse. All I know is, I’m not going back there.”

For its part, the Dr. Bronner’s bottle seemed optimistic.

“I don’t see what everybody’s so concerned about; ain’t no coronavirus getting in here with Dr. Bronner on the job,” said the bottle. “You can shake all the hands and touch all the faces you want, because just a little scrub-a-dub-dub with me, and you’ll be clean as a whistle. Sure, at this point I’m mostly tap water, but that never stopped this Dr. Bronner before. This pandemic is going to be another clean sweep. God’s love will get us through.”

Residents of the Fire Trap are allegedly also boiling their malt liquor to kill off any potential pathogens prior to consumption.

Photo by Charlie Dignan.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News