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Opinion: If That Were True, My Palms Would Have Floor-Length Dreadlocks

Sex education in America is deplorable. Public schools are still trying to teach abstinence as if half the students aren’t already boning under the bleachers or starting OnlyFans accounts. Myths pervade modern sexual education and we here at The Hard Times feel it’s our duty to dispel these untruths for the youth of America.

More specifically, we’re here to dispel the myth that frequent masturbation will give you hairy palms. And by we I mean me. Because if that were true my palms would have floor-length dreadlocks so gnarly they could play lead bagpipes in Korn. But I do need to state that I would not style them that way as it would be cultural appropriation and that’s just gross.

I’m an expert on this matter. Believe me. Let’s just say I’m a frequent flyer on U-nutted Airlines and these palms are as smooth as a ba- never mind, I’m not going to complete that idiom. Just know that they’re totally hairless.

Another false belief about masturbation is that it will make you go blind. Once again, this is shamefully untrue. Masturbating definitely does not make you go blind. What can damage your eyesight is trying to watch porn on an iPhone 6 or smaller for extended periods of time. That I can also vouch for. Optometrists recommend glancing away from your weird chocolate-covered-feet porn every 20 minutes for at least 20 seconds. But I say just get an iPhone XR. The resolution is *chef’s kiss* with most modern tube sites.

Stick-in-the-mud “experts” will tell you that frequent jerking will result in premature ejaculation. This only happens if you don’t properly take your time in the beautiful process that is self-love. Don’t rush it. Light some candles, put on some Adele, and treat yourself to some raspberry lube. Any of my former lovers would attest that premature climax was never a problem for me, in the unlikely event that they would ever publicly admit to dating me.

And finally, no, self-stimulation will not contribute to acne problems. This is just a myth perpetuated by Big Skincare to keep you sucking from their benzoyl peroxide teat. It’s no wonder ProActiv only seems to advertise during the spiciest entertainment basic cable has to offer.

I’m glad we sat down and debunked some of the lies surrounding the lovely act of touching oneself. However, one myth about jacking off is absolutely true: you WILL go to Hell, and I’ll see you there.