PORTLAND, Maine — Residents of local punk house the Fire Trap added more tap water today to the house’s already severely diluted bottle of Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap to help combat the COVID-19 pandemic, overconfident sources confirmed.
“This whole coronavirus thing has gotten really serious. We knew it was time to take action,” said house resident Kenzie Stillwell. “But after stocking up on ramen and Steel Reserve, we didn’t have any money left for a new Bronner’s bottle, so we figured we’ll just water down what we’ve already got. It might be a little thin, but it should get us through, right? I mean, it’s not like this is the first time we’ve done this — we’ve had that same bottle for like, six years at this point.”
Property manager Bud Miller did not seem confident, however, in the residents’ ability to avoid the disease.
“That whole house is like a petri dish for deadly infections. I’ve actually seen rats refuse to go near it because of how gross those guys are,” said Miller. “I did my part to keep the place up to code, but at a certain point, you’ve just gotta cut your losses. Best guess, there’s a 99% chance that everyone in that place gets the coronavirus twice… if not a mutated version of the virus that is far worse. All I know is, I’m not going back there.”
For its part, the Dr. Bronner’s bottle seemed optimistic.
“I don’t see what everybody’s so concerned about; ain’t no coronavirus getting in here with Dr. Bronner on the job,” said the bottle. “You can shake all the hands and touch all the faces you want, because just a little scrub-a-dub-dub with me, and you’ll be clean as a whistle. Sure, at this point I’m mostly tap water, but that never stopped this Dr. Bronner before. This pandemic is going to be another clean sweep. God’s love will get us through.”
Residents of the Fire Trap are allegedly also boiling their malt liquor to kill off any potential pathogens prior to consumption.
Photo by Charlie Dignan.