Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

GameStop Refuses to Close Doors Unless Local Authorities Sign Up for PowerUp Rewards

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop has told all of its employees that they should not close stores during the COVID-19 pandemic unless local authorities tasked with shutting down the store agree to sign up for the GameStop PowerUp Rewards Program.

“I don’t care if the National Guard surrounds your local GameStop, weapons drawn. Video games are a medicine and GameStop employees are essential retail employees,” said GameStop CEO George Sherman according to sources within the GameStop headquarters. “Unless each and every member of the militia tasked with bringing down our store signs up for a PowerUp Rewards card, do. Not. Shut. Down.”

“Gamers need Doom: Eternal and Animal Crossing: New Horizons at all costs,” Sherman continued. “And yes, they can download it onto their consoles, but what if they don’t want to? Huh? That’s what I thought.”

Employees are being urged to tell any government workers that signing up for GameStop’s loyalty program comes with many perks, including an immediate shutdown of a store of their choosing and a $5 coupon every month.

“I tried to shut down a location today and it was a real struggle,” police officer Frank Henderson explained. “This poor cashier just kept begging me to pre-order Gears Tactics so he could go home. Like, come on, I’m not desperate!”

As of press time, the company has even gone as far as to rebrand copies of Game Informer magazine as gamer toilet paper.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Animal Crossing Delayed Indefinitely After Gulliver Washes Up on Shore With COVID-19

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Kellen Beck

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo made the difficult decision to delay Animal Crossing: New Horizons indefinitely after Gulliver washed up on shore carrying the coronavirus early Thursday morning.

When the seafaring gull was spotted unconscious on the beach, everything seemed relatively normal until a Nintendo quality assurance tester Kate Pollamano went to investigate and heard a deep, heavy cough come from his beak.

“When I heard that cough, I immediately feared the worst,” Pollamano said. “With all the precautions people are taking during the outbreak right now, I assumed this would have an impact on the launch of New Horizons if Gulliver had the virus. Maybe we can eventually release a limited version of the game where you build a house and aren’t allowed to leave it, but we definitely have to postpone the full game until then.”

Pollamano’s fears proved true as Gulliver tested positive for COVID-19. Nintendo acted quickly, quarantining Gulliver in a nearby tent and leaving necessary supplies like cherries and coconuts for him to eat during his recovery.

Out of caution, Nintendo ordered all island residents to shelter-in-place on the island, recommending that they stay inside except for when they need to eat or check out the furniture selections at Nook’s Cranny. As residents scrambled to stock up in order to avoid leaving their homes, sources say that Nook’s Cranny’s daily stock of four items sold out instantly after the arrival of the first customer.

“I just bought everything that was in there,” islander Camofrog said. “I don’t know when it will be safe to come out again and you never know, maybe I’ll need a coo coo clock, incense burner, coffee pot, and outdoor chair soon, ten-hut!”

To prevent further spread of the coronavirus, Nintendo decided that it would be best to hold off on the launch of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for at least two weeks as Gulliver recovers and the island returns to normal operation.

“We are always thinking about the safety of our fans first and foremost, so we have decided to delay the release of Animal Crossing: New Horizons until we feel it is safe to play,” a Nintendo spokesperson said in a statement. “We also want to limit the spread of the disease on the island and ensure that older residents like Tom Nook do not fall ill.”

As of press time, officials still do not know the origin of COVID-19 but think it may have something to do with someone eating a pangolin resident.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Girl On OnlyFans Shows Ass, Titties, Several Signs of Advanced Stage Coronavirus

Posted on March 19, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Popular OnlyFans model LilVickiXX posted a new video earlier today where she showed her ass, tits, and difficulty breathing, concerned sources reported from their dimly lit bedrooms.

“The video was very hot at first — Lil Vicki was in rare form with her outfit and dirty talk. But it really took me out of it when she started up with this hacking cough and talking about how much her chest hurts,” said OnlyFans user Clyde Pringle. “About eight minutes in, you could see she was sweating really bad and complaining about how hot it felt in her bedroom. But you could tell it wasn’t like a ‘sexy’ hot — more of a, ‘I’m probably contagious right now’ sort of hot — so I found a video she posted last month to finish up. I hope she’s doing ok: it costs me $8 a month to subscribe to her page, so I would hate it if she stopped posting content.”

Despite the concerning symptoms, Lil Vicki claimed it was nothing more than allergies.

“I don’t want anyone to worry about me: just head to my Instagram page and tell everyone how much you love my OnlyFans account, and I will DM you some special pics,” said Lil Vicki via webchat. “I cough like that around this time every year, and I just had a brief tickle in my throat that made my temperature spike to 104 degrees. Ragweed season is no joke, you know? But just to be safe, all my videos from here on out are going to be a little less sexy and more informative — tomorrow I’ll be focusing on proper hand washing techniques, and the best way to cough so you don’t spread germs. Can’t wait to see you there.”

Popular pornography sites’ numbers have spiked with people self-quaranting across the country, leading to unprecedented issues with new content.

“We thought we had enough pornography to last us through three or four pandemics, but we were clearly wrong: we’re at a tipping point, where soon people will no longer have access to new scenes for wanking,” said Pornhub representative Carrie Owens. “The restrictions on gatherings have had a particularly harsh effect on gangbang scenes, and basically no one is willing to spit into, or even around, anyone’s mouth right now. We just hope there are enough healthy models out there with active webcams to handle the influx of horny dudes working from home.”

At press time, Lil Vicki updated her Amazon wishlist to include canned goods, hand sanitizer, and face masks.

Photo by Selena Darling.

Grandpa Wishes He Had Used Bathroom Before Having Soul Sealed in Playing Card

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Liam O'Malley

DOMINO CITY, Japan — After having his soul trapped inside a playing card, local game shop owner Solomon Muto has begun to express his frustration over the situation, bemoaning his own lack of foresight in not using the restroom before being captured.

“Look, I can accept that I may have to spend an eternity trapped in a still, agonizing pose. That’s just Duel Monsters,” Muto said through gritted teeth. “But the fact that all this happened when I had a bladder full of seltzer is really inconsiderate.”

“My arm is already tired,” Muto added.

Muto was sealed into a card by the creator of Duel Monsters, Maximillion Pegasus, as punishment for the former’s grandson losing to him in a game. Though his grandson, Yugi, has now begun a quest to free his soul from the card by winning the Duelist Kingdom tournament, Muto still feels that his patience is being unfairly tested.

“A whole tournament? I taught my grandson to drag the game out as long as possible! My deck has no pathetic cards,” Muto said. “And it’s not like things were rosy to begin with. My doctor recently advised me to start drinking cranberry juice and consider wearing Depends. This borders on elder abuse.”

Despite his frustration, Muto eventually began to accept the literal card he’d been dealt, looking for ways to adjust to his new life as a trapped spirit that really, really has to pee.

“There’s gotta be some way of dealing with this,” Muto said. “Maybe they could seal a toilet into a spell card and then play my card face down to use it or something please for the love of God.”

When asked about the possibility of perhaps adding a toilet to Muto’s card prison, his captor and creator of Duel Monsters, Maximillion Pegasus, simply scoffed while swishing a glass chardonnay.

“Such a foolish request. A toilet obviously doesn’t have a soul for me to even seal inside the card,” Pegasus said, with a deeply evil chortle. “I bet he’s trying to distract me from my efforts to humiliate his grandson and steal his Ancient Egyptian Artifact.”

Pegasus has since chosen to keep the card in a separate room after it began giving off a ripe smell.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Interviewed Joe Don Baker and, Be Honest, You Have No Idea Who That Is, Do You?

Posted on March 19, 2020 by James Knapp

Few character actors have had as prolific of a career as the great Joe Don Baker. But who are we kidding? Unless you recently binged MST3K like we did, you have no fucking clue who we’re talking about. Fortunately, we were able to sit down recently with the beacon of masculinity that is Joe Don Baker, or “Joey D” as he prefers to be called, for an exclusive interview.

Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us Mr. Don Baker.
Joe Don Baker: It’s just Baker, you little punk
Ok, first question, which of your movies do you think is our dad’s favorite?
I get this a lot. If it ain’t Walking Tall then he ain’t your real father, kid.
Who would win in a fight between Pierce Brosnan and Alan Cumming?
Please. I could take on both of those church boys with one hand.
You do seem pretty tough. How did you get so beefy?
All I eat is pickled eggs and ham steaks.
Is that a case of Schlitz? Did you bring Schlitz to this interview?
Yep.
…can we have some?
Hell no.
Fair enough. Who would win in a drinking conference, you or Lawrence Olivier?
Me, obviously.
Okay, who would win in an acting contest?
What’s that supposed to mean?
Nevermind. You look like you want to hurt us right now.
Is it that obvious. I never did learn how to stifle my rage.
Clearly. You’re wrapping a chain around your knuckles as we speak.
Just a reflex. Ignore it.
Well, we should wrap this up. Last question, are you okay? Like, do you need money or anything?
Of course not. I have everything I need. I hand make my own shotgun shells, I have burlap hammock to sleep in and, just today, I found my other sock.
Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Thanks again for taking the time to talk with us, Joey D.
Don’t ever fucking call me that again, kid.

Biden Asks Russia to Help Him Log in to His Email

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Jon Wood

CLEVELAND — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden stunned supporters today by soliciting foreign interference from Russian intelligence operatives to help him log in to his campaign email account, concerned government sources confirmed.

“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find a way for me to log back into my email. This junk box has all my thoughts and it won’t let me in,” said Biden during a simulcast Q and A with the candidate. “Look Igor, here’s the deal — I followed all the steps my granddaughter wrote on a piece of paper explaining how this works and it didn’t help. Maybe I can call you on the telephone and get some help? But it might be best if you just come over and do this for me before I throw this hunk of junk in the rubbish.”

The former Vice President spent most of the event trying to contact Gateway tech support while audibly mumbling his ATM pin and the last four digits of his social security number over and over.

“Joe Biden is no friend of Vladimir Putin, I can promise you that,” said DNC chair Tom Perez when reached for comment. “I mean, okay, yes: he did technically accept a friend request from a Russian bot posing as Putin, but fortunately, Joe’s been locked out of his Facebook account as well. At any rate, we urge Democrats to show up at the polls and disregard any incoherent text messages you might receive from foreign actors masquerading as Joe Biden, or in some cases, the actual Joe Biden.”

While Putin’s administration has long denied any attempts at meddling in America’s election process, sources within Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service paint a different picture — one that exposes the security threat facing the presumptive Democratic nominee.

“Am I Russian agent working on hack of Joe Biden emails? This may be cultural difference, but I definitely do not consider this work, LOL! Just do not tell my supervisor, okay!” confided a well-placed source. “At first I think I need to spend weekend cracking password, but social media intern was able to guess on third try! What was password, you ask? Oh, man, I should probably not say — is kind of racist if I am being honest. Then when we see inbox, most emails are pornography. Was wild.”

As of press time, Biden’s campaign has suspended all digital communication and is redirecting all online traffic to a GeoCities page currently under construction.

Now That All the Middle Schoolers Are Home, My Guild Is Stronger Than Ever

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Ella Gale

Sure, thousands of people have died in the coronavirus pandemic. But you know who else is about to die? A shipload of dungeons bosses now that the rest of my Elder Scrolls Online guild is home from school indefinitely. So strap on some Plague Doctor and get ready to crush it, guildies.

Some people may see this as a global catastrophe. I see it as an opportunity for @Braids-the-Hair to get off her ass and up her tanking game now that she’s not being a whiny little bitch about girls calling her a “dehydrated pastelicker” in homeroom. If you can’t defeat a 13-year-old bully, how the hell are you going to defeat vCR+0, much less vCR+3?

Yeah, it’s sad that @ok_skoomer’s dad is starting a new family, but he also paid for a full year’s ESO+ subscription before he left. Now Okay has no excuse for not leveling up his alt magblade and hitting the training dummy to perfect his rotation for vDOM. Crying never increased anyone’s dps, whiner.

Getting off your fabricant ass and running vBRPis a great coping mechanism. That’s what I tell @social_anxxxiety every time she hogs the group chat talking about how her mom “lost her job” and might “lose her house”. Gurl, if you sell enough Honor Guard motifs you’ll have enough gold to buy her the Ebonheart Chateau. Yeah, you can’t really live there, but I think we can all agree it would be pretty fucking cool.

Global pandemics are hard. You know what’s harder? A no-death speedrun of March of Sacrifices. Saddle up, kids, because there’s never been a better time to be me.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: I Was Gonna Quit the Band Anyway

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

I got fired. Yeah, I admit it. I was fired BUT, I’m totally fine with it, ’cause that band sucked and I was gonna quit anyway.

Okay so I was playing in this awful punk band and first off I don’t even like punk. Sure, it’s the genre that inspired my love of music and performing but who needs that? Not me. So me and this shitty band that’s never gonna go anywhere went on tour and made a record and that aspect of it was kinda awesome, I guess, but I still wanted out so honestly it’s convenient they threw me out without me having to say anything. Even though I wrote all the songs and introduced them all to each other but whatever it’s fine.

It’s fucking fine.

My main issue with this band was that they wanted to go in a different direction from me creatively. All they cared about was money and fame so they were gonna mold the sound into whatever was popular. I wanted to remain true to my middle class suburban punk roots and give the establishment the metaphorical middle finger, but not them. Bunch of sellouts if you ask me. But no one did ask me. They just changed the locks to the practice space and put my amp in the parking lot.

Also they were all totally crazy. Just like my ex, who I was totally about to dump right before she broke up with me as I was proposing. What a head case. Just like all my exes, actually. I’m sensing a pattern here. I must have a savior complex. I should probably tell all my exes to seek professional counseling.

Anyway, I was like, “hard pass on the money, fame, security, promising future in the industry, and all that garbage.” I mean, I didn’t quite say that but I was totally about to before they cut me off mid-inhale to kick me the fuck out. But trust me, I was totally gonna quit anyway.

And for anyone thinking I might be lying and that this is some trumped up bullshit because I’m upset or jealous or insecure or embarrassed or using this as a way to vent my rage so I don’t kill someone, just know… I was totally gonna quit. They suck and I’m glad I’m not getting rich and famous along with them. Moving home is way better ’cause my mom does the laundry and makes dinner most nights so it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m fucking fine!

They could have thanked me in the liner notes of their platinum album is all I’m saying.

CDC Recommends Not Attending House Show to Limit Spread of Frontman’s Ego

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Amir Adan

MINNEAPOLIS — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommended not attending a local house show tonight to limit the spread of Fighting in the Dark frontman Sean Wheeler’s ego, health officials confirmed.

“The spread of a bad ego, like many other illnesses, comes from little droplets in the air formed when the lead singer is yelling on stage about the merch table, or that the next song came to him in a dream or something,” warned CDC spokesperson Alexis Moore. “Letting the show continue as scheduled would put the immunocompromised among us, such as crust punks, at risk. We are at a tipping point, and we could see more people refusing to load in their own gear if these egos spread unchecked.”

Those who planned to attend the show are breathing a sigh of relief, as they were not interested in going anyway.

“I had no real intention of going — I just clicked that I was interested on the Facebook event to get him off my back,” said Wheeler’s friend Steven Miner. “He’s got a habit of getting in my face whenever I don’t ‘show enough support’ online, so I’m really happy I’ve got an excuse to not go this time around. I bought a puzzle and I plan on doing that at home. Should be fun.”

For his part, Wheeler claimed to be an easygoing bandleader, and is confused by the CDC’s recommendation.

“Ask anyone in the band, and they’ll agree that I’m the reason that this band is even together right now. I’m such an easy person to work with, and everyone knows that,” said Wheeler, who insisted on being credited as a “vegan vocalist.” “Why am I the one being punished here? I’m the hardest-working, I’m always picking up the slack, I’m never late — this just makes no sense! Everyone at our shows should consider themselves lucky if I chose to spit on them — those pieces of shit are lucky I even show up.”

At press time, Wheeler was trying to channel his frustration into future work, but was wary of committing because he wasn’t sure “if the others are willing to put in the time” like he is.

Oh No: Someone Already Raided This Dungeon

Posted on March 19, 2020 by Kevin Hufe

NEW YORK — A team of dungeon crawlers were horrified after spending hours to conquer a local dungeon, only to find it completely ransacked.

“I swear we must have culled through hundreds of blank-faced basic enemies just to get to the stairway at the entrance,” said Erick Bonin, the party healer. “And then we get inside and there’s just nothing. No rewards at all, not a piece of gold or a pack of trail mix to find.”

Upon clearing the first level and advancing to the dungeon depths, the team was faced with even more enemies, and little to no reward in sight.

“Look, I’d get it if there were no rare items left,” said two-handed knight Seth Hudson, “but I was counting on this trip to restock my inventory. Potions…loose change…bread….Cauliflower Gnocchi of Regeneration. It’s all gone.”

Players all over the world map are reportedly experiencing similar issues.

“I’ve heard from my cousin in San Francisco that every dungeon there is open on reduced hours,” said local priest Annete Hudson. “Player access is limited, and the queue times pile up. Reduced access has allowed for the dungeon to reset, and the chests to get refilled by the employees there. People need to take this seriously. We’re playing on hardcore mode, not casual.”

At press time, dungeon representatives said they have adjusted the spawn rate of toilet scrolls from uncommon to rare, meaning they will only be seen in 20% of playthroughs.

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