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Biden Asks Russia to Help Him Log in to His Email

CLEVELAND — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden stunned supporters today by soliciting foreign interference from Russian intelligence operatives to help him log in to his campaign email account, concerned government sources confirmed.

“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find a way for me to log back into my email. This junk box has all my thoughts and it won’t let me in,” said Biden during a simulcast Q and A with the candidate. “Look Igor, here’s the deal — I followed all the steps my granddaughter wrote on a piece of paper explaining how this works and it didn’t help. Maybe I can call you on the telephone and get some help? But it might be best if you just come over and do this for me before I throw this hunk of junk in the rubbish.”

The former Vice President spent most of the event trying to contact Gateway tech support while audibly mumbling his ATM pin and the last four digits of his social security number over and over.

“Joe Biden is no friend of Vladimir Putin, I can promise you that,” said DNC chair Tom Perez when reached for comment. “I mean, okay, yes: he did technically accept a friend request from a Russian bot posing as Putin, but fortunately, Joe’s been locked out of his Facebook account as well. At any rate, we urge Democrats to show up at the polls and disregard any incoherent text messages you might receive from foreign actors masquerading as Joe Biden, or in some cases, the actual Joe Biden.”

While Putin’s administration has long denied any attempts at meddling in America’s election process, sources within Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service paint a different picture — one that exposes the security threat facing the presumptive Democratic nominee.

“Am I Russian agent working on hack of Joe Biden emails? This may be cultural difference, but I definitely do not consider this work, LOL! Just do not tell my supervisor, okay!” confided a well-placed source. “At first I think I need to spend weekend cracking password, but social media intern was able to guess on third try! What was password, you ask? Oh, man, I should probably not say — is kind of racist if I am being honest. Then when we see inbox, most emails are pornography. Was wild.”

As of press time, Biden’s campaign has suspended all digital communication and is redirecting all online traffic to a GeoCities page currently under construction.