WASHINGTON — President Trump held a press conference this morning to drink a full cup of COVID-19, hoping the gesture will calm the nerves of Americans in these high-stress times.
“Look, down the hatch. No big deal. This is all under control, so under control. We handled it perfectly… unlike Italy, what a mess. They have great spaghetti, though — almost as good as the spaghetti I make at home,” Trump told reporters. “I want everyone to know that we have this fully contained, and even if it isn’t, that it really is Obama’s fault. Now that guy, he was a bad dude. But I have handled this perfectly. People will look back on this and be like, ‘Wow, that was perfect.’”
Members of Trump’s administration admitted they had no idea the President planned to do this.
“Fuck, that was a very bad idea. If anyone finds out who gave him that cup, please let me know so I can personally beat the piss out of them,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. “I need to get out of here before he gets off-stage — for all I know, he has 20 more cups of that shit and expects his friends to drink it as some sort of loyalty test. Plus, he always wants to shake my hand because he thinks my wife is super hot and he’ll do anything to get closer to her, and it’s starting to creep me out.”
Health officials around the globe roundly criticized Trump for the dangerous publicity stunt.
“There are basically two things that could happen now: the first is that the President dies within two hours with the most advanced case of the disease we have ever seen. The second is less likely, but it’s that he drank so much that he becomes immune to the disease and we use samples of his blood to help cure the world,” said WHO spokesperson Lanette Howell. “But it’s almost a guarantee that he dies quickly, and very painfully. That was easily the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Trump concluded the press conference by challenging reporters to supply him with the smelliest thing they could think of, assuring them he could sniff it without throwing up or gagging.