ATLANTA —The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is urging people to give a “free pass” for intercourse between roommates social-isolating to contain the novel coronavirus, according to a press statement issued earlier today.
“To prevent the spread of COVID-19, we highly encourage couples who do not reside in the same household to allow sexual intercourse between roommates,” the statement read. “We hope all monogamous relationships make this exception, considering the emergency state of loneliness and horniness the country is facing. Rather than risk possible contamination, try Facetiming while your signicant other while they have sex with someone who already lives in their residence. Digitally cucking could save lives.”
“Exceptions to this recommendation include pets and family members,” the statement added in bold, italicized, and underlined letters. “Repeat: we do not condone incest or beastility.”
The new suggestion may cause complications to already strained relationships during the current high-anxiety situation.
“The measure seems a little extreme,” said local woman Jennifer Lozano, who has been in a fight with her boyfriend since she started self-isolating last week. “I don’t know what’s wrong with just sticking to masturbation — the government should be sending out free vibrators instead. My boyfriend’s roommate would have a better time that way.”
Unsurprisingly, others disagreed with Lozano.
“Oh, hell yeah!” exclaimed Zak Heath, Lozano’s boyfriend of four months, upon hearing the updated guidelines. “My roommate is really hot, and I always thought we’d hook up if there wasn’t a goalie, if you know what I mean. Who can I high five over this?”
The CDC was careful to note safe practices for roommate fornication, including “using protection and urinating afterwards, and then washing your hands after that,” “social distancing immediately after intercourse,” and “avoiding cuddling or snuggling, to prevent catching feelings to respect the health of your primary relationship.”