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Contagious Laugh Leaves Four Dead

YUBA CITY, Calif. — A reported breach in self-quarantine last week has left four dead and another two hospitalized after a fit of contagious laughter exposed some local partygoers to the coronavirus.

“I used to be the guy with the funny laugh… and now, I’m just the guy who murdered all his friends,” said COVID-19 carrier David McGee. “I’m just glad the gang got one last big, belly laugh in at my expense before slowly succumbing to their lung scarring and total decimation of their immune systems.”

Many now wish McGee took social distancing protocol more seriously before cracking up his entire crew with his unfortunate-yet-hilarious side-splitting cackle.

“If David could just laugh at a normal fucking decibel like the rest of us — or maybe laugh into his sleeve or something — we wouldn’t be in this mess, and my girlfriend would still be alive,” said survivor Aaron Hooper from his hospital bed. “But, no, he has to laugh like an otter blowing into a kazoo and get the whole room going. We were doubled over, crying and wheezing all over each other like a bunch of asthmatics. Sure, the high-fives didn’t help things, but what the hell are you supposed to do in a situation like that?”

While laughter in general has declined steadily since the 2016 presidential election, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and fellow medical health professionals, emphasize the importance of social distancing yourself from anyone with an unusual or infectious laugh, due to its airborne antibodies.

“Everyone is all jokes and ‘quarantinis’ until they come in here with a 103-degree fever and diarrhea running down their leg,” said Sarah Canella, the head nurse at Mercy Medical Center. “Being around contagious laughter during a pandemic is extremely high-risk behavior — at that point, you might as well be sharing soup with the carrier in a hot tub. In an effort to limit the spread of COVID-19, stay home and away from anyone whose laughter may be described as a guffaw or chortle for the time being.”

At press time, someone in the hospital waiting area did an impression of Pauly Shore trapped in a janitor’s closet in front of McGee, which left an additional three people in critical condition.