Every Stars Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Stars has been around for almost 25 years and has pretty much been putting out killer music the entire time. Their music intentionally exploits nostalgia and emotion, and it’s wonderful. They are the musical equivalent of watching the 6-hour BBC “Pride and Prejudice” with Colin Firth. At first, you think “This is fine” and by the end, you’re crying, smiling, and fiercely hugging the person, cat, or body pillow you’ve experienced this with. And then you watch it again.
One thing that is genuinely great about this band is that whatever order you put their albums in, inevitably the next time you rank them, that order will change. Every album of theirs changes with age. Every album of theirs changes with where you were when you first listened to it, and where you are while listening to it now. It’s a trip. And if you’re lucky enough to see them live, that will also change your personal rankings. Because there are songs that seem just fine on the album, and then you experience them live, and they become favorites. So let’s get all sad and romantic and rank this shit.

9. Nightsongs (2001)

Nightsongs is Stars’ first album, and while there is a lot to like here, it never quite hits “classic Stars” levels. Much more electronic than most of their later efforts, the album was almost entirely recorded before Amy Milan joined the band. While she shows up for the last track on the album, her presence is missed. There are other vocalists who guest on the album who are great, but as they aren’t as recognizable as Amy, sometimes one could forget you’re listening to Stars. That doesn’t mean this album isn’t good. It’s still catchy and sad like all their albums. It’s just a bit of a “lo-fi beats to study to” feeling.

Play it again: “Write What You Know,” “International Rock Star”
Skip it: People love the “This Charming Man” cover, but we’re just not having it.

8. The North (2012)

This placement will probably be a little controversial, especially considering if you ask us next week, “The North” might be in the top 3. There are tracks on here that, as the kids say, “slap your taint.” That’s the phrase, right? “Slap your taint”? “Hold On When You Get Love” is maybe one of the best Stars “bangers” in the second half of their life as a band. The guitar line is the best lick from The Cure that The Cure never put out. The real issue with “The North” is that as an “album,” it drags. The second half has great songs, but nothing ever hits with the same punch as the first 6 songs (minus the title track, which doesn’t do much for us). And that’s not saying the last 6 aren’t good. They’re fantastic, but they still dip compared to the energy and melody of something like “Backlines”.

Play it again: “Hold On When You Get Love,” “ Backlines,” “The Theory of Relativity”
Skip it: “The North”

7. Heart (2003)

Speaking of controversial placements, “Heart” at number 7 feels harsh. But before you start sending death threats, hear us out: Stars has no bad albums. And the reality of such a beloved album being this low is that it’s really only because the band simply cannot put out a bad album. While “Night Songs” showed promise, “Heart” fulfilled that promise. All the melody and instrumentation you want from this band. And then the feels. My goodness. It’s enough to read our old LiveJournal entries. This album contains “Elevator Love Letter” which introduces the characters who would show up later in the band’s biggest single “Your Ex-Lover is Dead” as well as several other songs throughout their albums. Again, ask us next month and this album could be number 1. But take solace in knowing that at some point you might feel about their later albums the way you do about Heart.

Play it again: “Elevator Love Letter,” “Look Up,” and “Time Can Never Kill the True Heart,”
Skip it: For whatever reason we just skip by “Death to Death”

6. No One is Lost (2012)

Stars rarely miss with an album opener. But this opener is really something else. They lean into not just electronic, but actual dance music for “From the Night” and it sets the tone of the album. That’s not to say No One Is Lost is all sweaty hook-up anthems. There’s plenty of sadness, quiet jams, and all the other Stars stuff. But the album does finish with another great dance song in the final and title track, ending on a real high note. One of the things we think about when we think of this album is the single “Trap Door” whose video includes an actual argument within the band. It’s awkward and real, and a reminder of what a struggle have a band as your main source of income. You travel with these people, you play the same songs over and over, and NOBODY CLEANS THEIR SHIT. sorry.

Play it again: “Trap Door” “From The Night” and “No One is Lost”
Skip it: “You Keep Coming Up”

5. From Capelton Hill (2022)

There’s something really comforting about a band that can reliably put out good music. And Stars’ most recent album is exactly that: comforting. However, there is a somber feeling to “Capleton Hill.” That’s not to say it never makes you want to shake your ass. Plenty of asses get shooken. But the whole album has a “fuck, we’re just all getting older and this shit is hard” vibe. And like a good whiskey, cheese, or whiskey-cheese, age suits this band well. They’re not hiding it. But they also not writing corny, feel-good songs about their kids. It’s still heartache, heartbreak and as previously mentioned, shaking asses. But done in a way that doesn’t feel like a band grasping for a sound that no longer suits them, nor a band that has given up and settled with being a weaker version of themselves. Instead, this album is that hot older couple that you see on the street that just looks like they are having a waaaaaay better time than anyone else. And you KNOW they still fuckin’.

Play it again: “Patterns,” “Build a Fire”
Skip it: “Snowy Owl”

4. There Is No Love in Fluorescent Light (2017)

This album has no business being this good. This album is so good it’s making us rethink the order. This album is so good it’s kind making us angry. How does Stars keep doing it? Everything just fits. And I gotta say, there are not many album closers that nail it quite as well as “Wanderers.” How does one band keep making this many good albums? Not just songs, FULL GODDAMN ALBUMS! It’s… it’s not fair. It’s honestly not fair. There are like 40 artists we can think of off the top of our heads that put out a great album and then have consistently put out total horseshit since. But 8 albums in and Stars still can’t miss. And it still feels like they are singing, specifically for you. I know we’re all punks here, but sometimes we just want love, and this album is love.

Play it again: “Wanderers,” “Alone,” “Privilege,” and “Fluorescent Light”
Skip it: “Losing to You” is just about 2 minutes too long

3. Set Yourself On Fire (2004)

This is the album that made lots of folks fans of Stars. And it makes sense, cuz it’s got it all. The romantic back and forth, the dance tracks, the sad lyrics about breakups, and just incredible instrumentation and production. It’s borderline impossible to listen to this album and not feel… something. “Your Ex-lover is Dead” is so ubiquitous, one almost forgets how perfect the lyrics are. It’s also an ultimate first track. While “Heart” technically established the back-and-forth style between Amy and Torquil, SYOF perfected it. Other bands had done it, but this album made it feel like a wholly unique idea. And then of course there’s the songs. “Ageless Beauty” was a single, but honestly doesn’t get the props it deserves. It’s a perfect song, and we’re willing to punch someone in the face over it. So back off.

Play it again: “Ageless Beauty,” “Reunion,” “One More Night,” and “Your Ex-Lover is Dead”
Skip it: “What I’m Trying to Say” is fine, but compared to the rest of the album fine doesn’t cut it.

2. In Our Bedroom After the War (2007)

We hate to keep saying it, but on any given day, this album is number 1. It’s so good. “Take Me to the Riot” is THE Stars banger. People can complain about the production being too much, but like… too much is the whole thing with this band. The romantic back and forth between Amy and Torque is waaaay too much, and we love it. In so many ways this album IS Stars. Just about every emotion, in an album. “Personal” is just flat-out one of the roughest songs out there. And the title track encapsulates the epic nature of what the band’s over-the-top romantic worldview aspires to be. It’s almost enough to make us want to care about… stuff. Almost.

Play it again: “Take Me to the Riot,” “Midnight Coward,” “In Our Bedroom After the War”
Skip it: no skips

1. The Five Ghosts (2010)

We’re not sure we’ve met anyone whose favorite Stars song is from this album. And that’s not to say this album doesn’t have killer tracks. It’s literally all killer tracks. But with other Stars albums, we often wanna jump around and get straight to our favorite bops. But with “The Five Ghosts,” you hit play and let it go. Because as a complete package, this album is… well the complete package. Take the Stars formula, and then add a dash of real, actual sadness and that’s “The Five Ghosts.” What’s interesting is this album had a LOT of bangers. For an album that seemingly deals with some rough stuff, this album is dancey as shit. And at the end of the day, Stars is a band that is really about a vibe. And something about the vibe of this album is different than all the rest. And whatever that difference is, makes it number 1. Front to back this album feels like it HAS to be listened to in one sitting. We’ve also heard that it’s pretty good make-out music. We’ve heard. Just saying.

Play it again: The album. And then play it one more time.
Skip it: Don’t

Internet Detectives Believe New Taylor Swift Track “Florida!!!” About Troubled Relationship With Swamp-Dwelling Skunk Ape

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

APALACHICOLA, Fla. — Dedicated Swifties across the internet believe the new Taylor Swift song “Florida!!!” is about her highly publicized breakup with the mythical swamp creature known as the Skunk Ape, sources confirmed.

“Taylor has a type. She likes big, beefy, and kind of oafish guys. Before she was with Travis there were multiple reports that her jet was landing at a small airport near the swamps of the Florida panhandle,” said Swift super fan Kylie Burke. “Then paparazzi photos emerged of her eating a plate of random meat at Duke’s Gator Hut with a giant hairy beast that reportedly smelled like stepped in dog crap. It’s obvious ‘Florida!!!’ is about that breakup which was really tough on her. It ended when the Skunk Ape refused to be her date at the Grammys because he wanted to stay in Florida to harass local fishermen and eat roadkill. She needs someone that will put her on a pedestal, not just lurk through swamps and scare children.”

The song’s co-writer Florence Welch, who also does guest vocals on the track, seemed to corroborate the internet’s hypothesis.

“All of Taylor’s lyrics are up for interpretation. But yes, it’s no surprise that this is a deeply personal song about a time in her life that she would like to move on from,” said Welch. “We actually took the team down to Florida for a few days while writing the song so Taylor could show us some of the places she liked to frequent when she was there. There were a few illegal moonshine stills, a trailer where some guy named Tick was making a new variant of amphetamine, and of course there was the makeshift shack by the swamp where she spent so many nights just laughing and having the time of her life with that one special friend.”

Cryptid expert Dr. Niles Swanson believes there are other songs in Swift’s catalog about mythical creatures she dated.

“I’ve gone through Taylor’s discography multiple times and I believe that ‘Lover’ is actually about a terrible date she had with the Loveland Frog of Ohio. ‘Sparks Fly’ is about the deep friendship she had with the Jersey Devil, but that friendship ended when Taylor didn’t let the Devil join her backing band,” said Dr. Swanson. “Some people even believe she dated the Mothman, but I think that’s a ridiculous rumor, everyone knows the Mothman is gay.”

At press time, Netflix announced they will be producing a three-part documentary series about the Skunk Ape’s romance with Swift.

Perverted Headliner Likes Watching Opener Entertain His Crowd

Posted on by Preston Long

ATLANTA — Bystanders at a recent singer-songwriter showcase were reportedly creeped out after witnessing the headliner awaiting his set watching the opener beguile his audience far too lasciviously, unnerved sources confirmed, while keeping their distance.

“Look, man, what can I say? It’s not a crime to get off on someone else pleasuring what’s mine! You get your jollies your way, and I’ll get ‘em mine. Heh, and man oh man do I get mine!” smirked headliner Rick Yeoman, using his guitar to cover his midsection at the mere thought. “Ya gotta keep things spicy on the road, you know? Including an opener in my relationship has only proven the love I have for my audience more. I know I can trust them, not like my ex-audience who used to let me fall to the concrete whenever I tried to stage dive. Communication is key, and I’ve found that with these crowds. I know that when they’re drooping over my opener, they’re really thinking about me.”

One person left out of this “communication” was Yeoman’s opener, who found himself in the middle of a situation he was unprepared for.

“Opening for Rick on this tour has been pretty fun, but I gotta admit, the way he stares and nods off to the side of the stage as I work the crowd before he comes on is downright unsettling. In between my songs, I can hear him licking his lips and shit, whispering for me to ‘give it to them good,’ I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?” said opener Fletcher McGovern, whom we noticed is more muscular and younger than the aging Yeoman. “I got into this to show the world my music, not cuckold another man’s paying audience. The worst is when he tries to horn in on my set to try to join in without any warning at all. It’s like, ‘hey, man, they want me right now!’ but the rejection only seems to rev him up even more! I miss when rock stars were sick freaks because they were biting heads off chickens, and not funny business like this!”

Yeoman’s longtime sound technician elaborated on what he saw as his employer’s growing exploration of his sexual proclivities.

“Sure, it may seem unconventional to you or I, who might see a headliner/audience relationship as a sacred bond between a crowd and guitarist, but the times are changing, and we’d all be smart to change with them, I say. It’s really livened up their sets life, that’s for one thing,” said Corey Crisp, while surreptitiously affixing a splash guard to his mixing board. “I, for one, am happy for all of them, and get a little misty-eyed beholding that connection night after night. I wouldn’t tell Yeoman that, though, it’d probably only fuel the fire further, and I’ve shorted out three boards already this tour.”

At press time, Yeoman was crestfallen to find out that his audience has officially left him to pursue a relationship with his opener, and they’re already expecting a live album.

Was Your Loved One Killed by Ten Million Pounds of Sludge From New York and New Jersey? You May Be Entitled to Compensation

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Attention Boston area residents! Was one or more of your loved ones killed by ten million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey? You may be entitled to financial compensation thanks to a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit settlement against Fresh Kills Landfill.

Hi, I’m Velouria Shastasheen. If your spouse or kin were exposed to the deadly wave of mutilation incident of 1989 which also saw the death of the underwater god who controlled the sea, the law firm of Shastasheen and Grieves want to help you to get justice and closure.

Exposure to the sludge has resulted in death and put others at risk of possible life altering medical conditions such as nervous walking, sliced-up eyeball syndrome, and mesothelioma. Rest assured we have gouged away at those responsible in order to get you the peace of mind you deserve.

The states of New York and New Jersey failed to disclose the severity of the sludge radius after the superfund site was established, resulting in the contamination of the Franklin Zoo’s water supply. Their employees and monkeys may have gone to heaven, but after more than two decades SJG successfully helped settle a record settlement to ensure families of the victims got their day in court. One of our clients Jose Jones told us his story. He had friends like Paco Picopiedra who had dreams of growing up to be a debaser. But after that dream was cut short, Mr. Jones bravely stepped forward and asked us to stand up to malfeasance in memory of his friend.

For nearly 40 years we have helped countless families obtain restitution due to corporate negligence. In 2019 we settled with Volkswagen after their emissions scandal caused a creature in the sky to get sucked in a hole (now there’s a hole in the sky). His family received $3.2 million for his wrongful death, and so can you.

Hey, we’ve been trying to meet you! Please don’t wait, call 800-567-DOOLITTLE today for a free legal consultation and information packet. Remember, you never have to wait so long. Call now!

Black Metal Musician Mortified That Coworkers Enjoyed His Music

Posted on by Hannah Cohen

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local black metal artist Aortic Burst was humiliated yesterday when his coworkers listened to, and subsequently legitimately loved, his music, well-meaning sources confirmed.

“It’d be one thing if I worked in, say, a tattoo parlor or maybe a slaughterhouse, you know? Those are the types of fans I’d want for the type of stuff I write. But, shit! I do administrative assistant work and data entry for a certified public accounting firm. These are not the type of people I need throwing up the horns when they pass my cubicle, I want these folks to either fear me or ignore me completely!” cried Aortic Burst (née Harold Lessings) as he finished his lunch break and grimaced at the idea of re-entering the office. “Now I have all these dudes in button-ups and khakis asking me when my next ‘gig’ is, and if they can sit in because they ‘knocked around a little bass-age back in college’ and ‘knows the guy who does Dee Snider’s taxes.’”

Lessings’ officemates at Appletree Business Services seemed to be genuinely supportive of their administrative assistant’s musical endeavors.

“That kid’s got a real future ahead of him, you can quote me. He just needs a cleaner tone, maybe even invest in an acoustic, so we can have him do a little show here at the office holiday party!” said Lessings’ direct superior Kathleen Zander. “We even replaced our regular hold music with Aortic Burst’s new album ‘Sons of the Septic Scythe’, and our clients have really responded well to it. We’ll have to tell Harry how proud we are of him over cake at Linda’s birthday celebration in the breakroom come 4:45!”

Leading authorities on the black metal genre were surprised to find their style of music was so welcomed by workplace culture.

“When I heard that accounting firms across the globe were appreciating a genre I’ve always felt was fairly niche, it took a minute for me to warm up to the idea. But, when you think about it, music is for everybody, even if they’re a corporate drone,” said legendary black metal figure Abbath Doom Occulta, over Zoom. “I’m heavily considering getting Immortal back together to record some corporate jingles, or maybe do a North American tour of human resources seminars. I think the dress code might be a little stifling, but it could be a pretty big moneymaker for us.”

At press time, Lessings returned to find the office had raided the printer toner cartridge for corpse paint.

Every Sigh Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Imagine if The Muppets made a metal band. And not like the type of “metal” that your brother-in-law likes. Good metal. METAL metal. And when we say “The Muppets,” we’re not talking about the cute ones that teach you about spelling. We’re talking about the monsters, who might be cute, but are also super scary. And also teach you about spelling. You know: Sweetums. Gorgon Heap. Thudge McGerk. Scary-ass Muppets. In a metal band. Are you imagining that band? Great. That’s Sigh. And if you think that’s anything less than the highest compliment we can give at Hard Times, you need to take a step back and think about what site you’re on. Sigh is a Japanese band that at times would’ve been considered Black Metal, but in the end really are so much more. Dipping their toes in everything from Power Metal, to Prog, to Jazz, to genuinely whatever the fuck they feel like, this is a band that demands your attention. With production that keeps you guessing as much as the actual songs do, this band has been putting out banger after banger for over 30 years. And believe us when we say: when you listen to Sigh, you may not like it, but you sure as shit won’t be bored.

12. Scorn Defeat (1993)

Sigh’s first full-length is neither garbage nor killer. It’s fine. It has glimpses of some of the energy that would make the band so much fun and the following decades. But it never really blows your butt off. That said it’s still waaaaay more interesting than 90% of similar music that came out around that time. Leaning heavily into black metal production, it’s a solid listen, but definitely not what you wanna start with. But it’s the pacing of the album that really works. Right when things feel like they’re dragging just a bit, the mid-album dungeon-synthy “Gundali” pulls you right back in.

Play it again: “Gundali,” “The Knell,” and “A Victory of Dakini”
Skip it: “Taste Defeat” is a fine song, but if you’re gonna end an album with an 8-minute track, it’s gotta keep our attention more than this

11. Heir to Despair (2018)

For a band that never plays it safe, this album feels about as close to playing it safe as they get. And that’s not to say this album doesn’t get weird. But for a band that lives in the weird, this album is just a little middle of the road. But when you’re a killer metal band, the middle of the road is still better than most everyone else. For instance, the flute playing along with the riff in the middle of “Hunters Not Horned” still absolutely wrecks. And certainly, they try to get out there with 3 electronic “Heresy” tracks. But While the album is an enjoyable listen, we can’t help but wish we were listening to their stronger efforts.

Play it again: “Homo Homini Lupus”
Skip it: honestly “Alethia” might be Sigh’s only miss as an opener. It’s not bad, but “Homo Homini Lupus” is right after and we find ourselves skipping right to it.

10. Infidel Art (1995)

There’s an epic quality to “Infidel Art” that really pushes past the lower albums on this list. If we’re being honest, this is one of the only Sigh albums that doesn’t make us laugh. And that’s not bad either way. But the feel of the album is somehow more serious. It’s still very much Sigh, but it almost feels like they were asked to make an album to accompany an epic film. So instead of leaning into wackiness, they lean into making every track just super epic. The opener “Izuna” has an almost rock-opera feel, and at 8:16 it practically is. The highlight of the album is “The Zombie Terror” a track that clocks in at 9:42. And almost every one of the 6 tracks on this 50-minute album is long. But it adds to the epic feel of the whole thing.

Play it again: “The Zombie Terror”
Skip it: At only 4:45, “Suicidogenic” didn’t get the memo that this album is all epically long tracks. Read your fucking email, “Suicidogenic”!

9. Hail Horror Hail (1997)

Much of this album is straightforward forward ‘90s epic blackish/fantasy metal, which means no complaints from us. But honestly, there is one reason this album beats out the three previously listed: “Invitation to Die.” This song is perfect. It’s like a grim beatnik Muppet song on a Zelda soundtrack. Seriously. The vocals are bordering rapping at a few points. And then there’s a baby crying. I don’t even know what else to say.

Play it again: “Invitation to Die”
Skip it: I mean, the other songs are fine, but this album could’ve just been “Invitation to Die” nine times in a row.

8. Scenario IV: Dread Dreams (1999)

While it’s hard to believe Sigh was doing what they were doing in the ‘90s, this album in particular kinda blows our minds. At 25 years old this year, Sigh could release this album and it would still feel as fresh. With an opener that includes horns and handclaps (and I think Tamborine?) “Scenario IV: Dread Dreams” is the bands first real dabble in the weird. While their previous records had experimental stuff, this one has the feeling of the band trying some stuff they’ve always wanted to try. And while they never quite let loose on this album to the extent they do on their acclaimed follow-up “Imaginary Sonicsscape,” you can see why people really started paying attention with this album. Sometimes it’s easy to look at where a band ends up and then look at the older stuff and think “meh.” But in the context of this band, this album is immensely pivotal. In other words, “Scenario IV: Dread Dreams” walked to so “Imaginary Sonicsscape” could run.

Play it again: “Diabolic Suicide” and “Severed Ways”
Skip it: “Black Curse” has some awesome parts but is waaaay too long and “Waltz Dread Dreams” is filler

7. Gallows Gallery (2005)

Sometimes referred to as Sigh’s “power metal” album, this album contains primarily clean vocals. This bothers people who are shitheads. Everyone else can see this album rules. Because with Sigh, clean vocals aren’t clean vocals. This album still doesn’t sound like any other band. And because of the clean vocals, it doesn’t sound like any other Sigh album. And believe me, when you’re listening to all their albums for, oh I don’t know off the top of my head, a ranking list for Hard Times, Sigh changing things up is genuinely exciting. This album is also noted for Century Media refusing to release it due to Sigh apparently using some sonic weaponry developed during WW2 in the recording. We’ve listened to the album many times, and other than our teeth falling out, hair turning around and growing back into our bodies, and night terrors that cause us to go hoarse, we think Century Media were just being babies about it.

Play it again: “In a Drowse,” “Gavotte Grim,” and “Pale Monument”
Skip it: “-“ and “The Tranquilizer Song (David Harrow mix)”

6. In Somophobia (2012)

The only really negative about “In Somophobia” is that it followed the superior “Scenes From Hell.” And so as is the case with the great albums that follow absolute classics, this one can kinda disappear from memory. But it shouldn’t because it’s an immensely fun album. The borderline doo-wop groove of “Amnesia” should be close to the top of Sigh’s list of things that shouldn’t work, but just do. This is actually a decent album to start with if you’ve never listened to Sigh before. It’s weird, it’s fun, but there is plenty of straightforward metal if you’re too much a baby. And the weird cover art is also a plus.

Play it again: “Amnesia” and “L’excommunication A Minuit”
Skip it: “Opening Theme: Lucid Nightmare” and “Ending Theme: Continuum” are just interludes and as the saying goes: “if your album has interludes, I will not listen to those interludes.”

5. Hangman’s Hymn (2007)

This is a favorite for many and it totally makes sense. The opening track busts in with a thrashy section with horns and then kicks into a half-time, borderline nu-metal slam part. The track then transitions to rain sounds and a “Midian”-era Cradle of Filth theatrics.The band is once again letting us know that they will melt our faces off with their metal, and they will do it however they damn well please. Putting down some of the jazzier elements of other albums, the band seems to fully embrace classical music and dare I say musical theater as an inspiration. And while that’s not anything new in metal, with Sigh they do it their own way.

Play it again: “Introitus/Kyrie,” “Me-Devil,” and “Hangman’s Hymn/ In Paradisum Das Ende”
Skip it: “Death With Dishonor” is a fine song, but compared to the rest of the album its pretty middle of the road.

4. Graveward (2015)

Something that stands out about “Graveward” is the production. Among Sigh’s more recent albums, they seem to have leaned towards slightly more traditional production. This worked for some (“Shiki” and “In Somophobia”) and not so much for others (“Heir to Despair”). But for whatever reason, on “Graveward” the band decided to return to their signature “what the fuck is going on” production. And it does not disappoint. If we didn’t think Sigh were geniuses, it’d almost seem like the levels were picked at random. But there ain’t shit random about Sigh. Or maybe it is random? Whatever. We don’t care. Also, not every song has bizarre production. But even the songs that seem to be relatively tame (for Sigh) all of a sudden have a guitar solo bust in at levels that the asshole guitar player in your band would kill to have. Maybe don’t play this album for them. This one is just for us.

Play it again: “The Tombfiller” and “Molesters of My Soul”
Skip it: “A Message From Tomorrow” isn’t bad but just kinda drags at that point in the album

3. Shiki (2022)

“Shiki” is, as of this writing, Sigh’s most recent effort. Much like the record preceding this one (“Heir to Despair”) the outright weirdness seems to be turned out just a smidge. And yet, unlike the previous album, it seems like here it’s been turned down to show that Sigh is, in fact, fucking metal. Just… just so metal. Ignoring a 15-second opening track of a chant (which honestly should’ve just been attached to track 2) the real opener is “Kuroi Kage.” We are not lying to you when we say that the riff in this song is the dirtiest, deepest, lip-snarling riff that Sigh has ever written. It’s just stanky. And then the vocals just add to the evil Muppet idea. This might be the most re-listenable Sigh song of all time. Later in the song, it has a chill, dark sax moment that just fits so well, it makes me think Sigh should be president. Thankfully the album doesn’t drop off with quality after this track. One noticeable difference with the album is the production. Instead of leaning into weird production choices, the band seemed to say “what if instead of being weird, we just showed everyone that we’re one of the best metal bands doing it, and have been since the ‘90s?” Everything thumps. This shit is as loud, heavy and varied as a Chipotle dump.

Play it again: “Kuroi Kage” over and over.
Skip it: “Touji No Asa” is a boring way to end an otherwise ass-slap of an album.

2. Imaginary Sonicscape (2001)

This is the album that made the metal world pay attention to Sigh. For a lot of folks this is number one and it makes sense why. The opening riff of “Corpsecry -Angelfall” starts off in a pumping, if typical fashion. But then just for a few measures ‘80s keys kick in and gives you the first glimpse that this is not your father’s metal band. Probably because your father’s metal band is the Doobie Brothers. But if your dad actually does like the Doobies, he honestly might be into some of the borderline nostalgic feels on this album, like “A Sunset Song.” Then there’s the head-bangy, synthy opening to “Scarlet Dream” which immediately pulls you in and asks “What if the theme for every cartoon from the ‘80s kicked ass even more?” Then “Nietzschean Conspiracy” just does a full 180 on us, and asks “What if Bohren & der Club of Gore made a song entirely on a Casio?” What we’re saying is that this album asks and then answers a lot of questions. While at times not as heavy as other releases, Imaginary Sonicscape is a true classic and there’s just nothing like it. Literally nothing. Lots of people compare Sigh to Mr Bungle, and while Bungle is influential, there’s just no comparison, and this album is the perfect example of why. While Bungle sometimes feels like they’re being weird for weird sake, Sigh feels like they are just doing what they do. Nothing is put on. Nothing is forced. They are making the music they want. It just happens to be really fucking weird.

Play it again: “A Sunset Song,” “Corpsecry -Angelfall,” and “Nietzschean Conspiracy”
Skip it: honestly, no skips

1. Scenes from Hell (2010)

Everyone thinks “The Muppets Take Manhattan” is the best classic Muppet movie. But they’re wrong. It’s “The Great Muppet Caper.” Everyone thinks “Imaginary Sonicscape” is the best Sigh album. But they’re wrong. Because just like “The Great Muppet Caper,” “Scenes from Hell” takes everything you like about the Muppets/Sigh and turns it to 11. To us, this album is the pinnacle of everything Sigh is trying to do in music. It’s weird. It’s scary. But it’s also an absolute destroyer of a metal album. If you want a real experience, put on headphones and just listen to this fucking album. But you won’t. And that’s the difference between us, and I can’t take it anymore. This relationship just isn’t working out, and I think we should see other people.

Play it again: “The Summer Funeral,” “Prelude to an Oracle,” and “The Soul Grave”
Skip it: How dare you.

Top 20 Pavement Songs Guaranteed to Impress A Disinterested Barista

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Has every local coffee shop banned you for talking too much about Pavement? Good news, there’s a new cafe opening up in a nearby neighborhood! Stroll into Das Java, the minimalist cafe brewing up strong blends, with plenty of baristas ready to hear your meandering takes on music. Time to recommend some songs by everyone’s favorite band from Stockton! (Listen along to the playlist)

“Date w/IKEA”

Slide into the joint with this tune blasting in your ears. You are definitely the main character here, grooving to Pavement’s fourth album “Brighten the Corners,” naturally. Walk in with a knowing smile, and wait in line with your sunglasses on as you scan the room. Perfect, it’s afternoon staff, which includes that one cute barista who looks like she wants to actually kill you.

“In the Mouth A Desert”

Let this play aloud from your phone and get odd looks as people realize just how cool you are. “They’re called Pavement. This is their earlier stuff, the Gary Young era” you say, to no one in particular. There is a child in line ahead of you, perfect to indoctrinate the youth early when it comes to essential ‘90s indie bands.

“Elevate Me Later”

Before you order, you ask the barista, “That’s so funny, were you just playing the album ‘Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain’?” You know they weren’t, it’s been Norah Jones for hours. Perhaps days. The barista can barely hear you over the noise. You ask again, but she just asks for your order. That’s OK. Plenty of time to dive into the brilliance of Pavement while you’re here.

“AT&T”

You ask the barista casually, “So who is your cellphone carrier? ‘Cause Pavement has this one song called ‘AT&T’ and—” She says “What the actual fuck are you talking about?” This isn’t going well. Good thing you brought a vinyl of their third album Wowee Zowee into the coffeeshop. Show her the liner notes. Maybe this will help clear up any questions.

“Here”

You ask if they take song requests. The barista says, “Maybe. You can email the manager. What was your order, again?” Get the manager’s email, and ask them to play this laidback tune for customers. Folks visiting or working can vibe out in a laid-back way, plus you’ve learned that reaching for aux cords, reaching over counters or touching iPads playing Spotify doesn’t go over well if you’re not an employee.

“Flux = Rad”

You begin tapping your toes, this song running through your head. You ask for your usual order, an extra-large cold brew with five shots of caffeine. She asks, “Are you sure?” and you just lean on the counter like a rockstar. Wear your glasses, maybe even light a cigarette before she asks you to quickly “put that shit out.”

“Cut Your Hair”

The timing is insane: this song suddenly comes on the speakers, just as you go to pay. “This is actually one of their bigger hits!” you say. “Yeah, this plays like every other fucking day on this one big playlist we have,” the barista says. As you nod knowingly, begin to gaze into her eyes. Is there a connection? No, she looks mad. Maybe stop singing along to the song, it sounds like you’re actually telling her to cut her hair.

“Shady Lane”

Pro-tip: baristas love it when questions are repeated like “Where is my coffee?” or “How long is this going to take?” Which is why you should ask once again if they take song requests. Ask if she can play this song, maybe hint that there could be a cute little date in the future, down a similar “shady lane,” not to make any assumptions. You realize how creepy that sounds out loud. The barista aggressively asks for you to “just pay,” people in line behind you angrily cough. Don’t they know how important this moment is for you? They can wait!

“You Are a Light”

From their final studio album “Terror Twilight,” this Pavement song also works as a compliment! After tapping your credit card to pay, make meaningless small talk about how amazing technology is before looking the barista directly in the eye and saying “You are a light.” She will show appreciation with an alarmed “…OK?” and by talking to the next customer. Be careful how you deliver this one, it could sound like you’re recruiting for a cult.

“Texas Never Whispers”

As you end the purchase, whisper “Thank you,” along with a few other obscure sentences and a haphazard wink. As she talks to other customers, ask “Is that a Texas accent I hear?” When she quickly says “No, and please wait over there for your order,”you suddenly realize that you might want some coffee-cake. You walk back into line and watch her let out a deep sigh from fathoms unknown.

“Silence Kid”

You can take a hint. She wants you to shut up for a while, which is why you just peruse the pastries and leaf through the chips. Sing this song to yourself while tapping your fingers at the pickup counter. Talk to other people waiting, make friends, ask them about the gospel according to Stephen Malkmus: Pavement is all about bringing people together.

“Type Slowly”

This song title is a reference for using your Notes app while looking around the coffeehouse. Take copious notes about the patrons so that you’ll be able to gossip later with the barista. Think of all the inside jokes you’ll have, even write down a few punchlines – I’m sure the staff will love your unsolicited standup comedy and hot takes.

“Grave Architecture”

When the barista isn’t busy, ask her about the history of the building. “I don’t fucking know, dude,” she replies. “Huh, interesting. I’m thinking 1950s,” you guess. You’d look it up on your phone, but you’re almost out of battery and this cafe purposefully doesn’t have public plugs. Another complaint to bring up to your favorite barista! Pro-tip: tell her how much she looks like bassist Mark Ibold, that will really get her attention.

“Summer Babe – Winter Version”

Complaining about the temperature is yet another way to talk to a disinterested barista. “Any chance of turning up the temperature? It’s getting nippy,” you say. The barista replies, “Don’t ever say the word ‘nippy’ to me again, and we’re not allowed to touch the thermostat, it’s all automated.” You use this as a pivot to converse about climate change or how Pavement’s first album “Slanted and Enchanted” will be interpreted in the future.

“Starlings of the Slipstream”

Share some of your impromptu poetry with the cafe staff. Let this song inspire a free-verse slam poetry reading. When an older member of staff mentions that there’s no “TikTok stuff or performance art bullshit allowed in here,” you quickly apologize before pulling a flower from your coat pocket. Also name drop band member Bob Nastanovich, that might get you a few more minutes to read your verses.

“Unfair”

Your cold brew order is called up and suddenly it’s all over. The staff is waiting for you to leave. You briskly approach the barista and ask “So, what do you think of Pavement? How about that Scott Kannberg guitar sound?” She replies, “Dude I like them, yeah… did you want anything else? Customers are waiting.” Seeing how busy she is, quickly write out a killer Pavement playlist on a napkin in squiggly Sharpie.

“Spit on a Stranger”

You sense overall hostility and begin to sense customers unhappy with your continued presence. The barista is incredibly busy. So instead, you wait, singing this song, loudly. Bang on the napkin dispensers like drummer Steve West. People watch, trying to avoid eye contact. Don’t keep it up too long, you don’t want another lifetime ban from a local restaurant!

“Gold Soundz”

You listen to this song in your headphones and give a thumbs-up to the displeased staff. As you chug your cold brew, you feel the caffeine course through your veins, a river of excitement and ideas. How fortunate that the world gets to hear about your Technicolor experience. This too shall one day be nostalgia, be a memory replayed. Those sitting beside uncomfortably shift from the strange noises you excitedly grunt out. That’s just what Pavement does to you!

“Stereo”

Go out with a banger. Write this song request on a cardboard coffee sleeve and toss it over the counter to your favorite barista. When she goes, “What the fuck, dude?” just wink and say “Read the sleeve!” Even if the staff threatens to get the manager out or call the cops, you’ll stop at nothing to make Pavement song recommendations in this café. As you are locked out, you realize how hilarious it is that you never even got that barista’s name. Funny – how precious, fleeting and brief life is, much like the output of a certain band you love.

“Black Out”

Damn. So you’ve been banned from another coffee shop for pushing Pavement on the entire staff. What’s happened to this city? This city used to have a scene, man. Time to go home and chug that 12-pack of Coors. No better way to spend a Friday night rocking out to Pavement alone while dancing naked next to windows inside brightly-lit rooms at night! Damn the complaints, tonight you are an indie rock god.

Take this playlist and make that barista fall in love:

Neil deGrasse Tyson Gets Into God Debate With Terminally Ill Child in Make-A-Wish Gone Awry

Posted on by Ian Steffé

NEW YORK — Nine-year-old Oliver Cahill, who has battled rare brain cancer for over half his life, recently met Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson thanks to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, confirmed multiple sources who wish the subject of a creator never came up.

“I was telling Oliver all about the Big Bang and the evolution of life and he asked me how God plays into all of this,” recounted Dr. Tyson. “I laughed at first because that is one of the dumbest questions a kid has ever asked me. We confront paradoxes that have puzzled humanity for millennia. One such involves reconciling the concept of an all-powerful and benevolent deity with the existence of suffering. I said ‘Oliver, if God exists why are you in pain all the time? This must be a punishment, and you must have done something really bad.’ It was around that time his father looked like he was about to punch me, but cooler heads prevailed.”

“I mean come on, either God doesn’t care, or can’t do much. I mean Oliver had NO empirical evidence to prove God is real,” Tyson added.

Oliver’s father, Roger Cahill, was horrified by the experience.

“He called my son a ‘Philistine.’ And then I swear he mumbled something about how it’s ‘Always the dumb ones.’ Then peppered Oliver with this Christopher Hitchens shit, and made him watch 90-minutes of Stephen Hawking videos,” said Cahill. “Even the nurses tried to pull him away because Oliver is prone to migraines. It took us like two hours to get him out of the room. He did autograph a Blu-Ray copy of ‘Cosmos’ though, maybe I’ll be able to sell that for a few bucks in four months.”

This is not the first controversy for Make-A-Wish who remain defiant in the face of widespread criticism.

“At Make-A-Wish, we celebrate diverse interests and strive to fulfill the unique wishes of every child. We’ve broadened our horizons by inviting guests like Werner Herzog, Noam Chomsky, and Bill Maher, offering experiences that inspire wish recipients to engage with the world as it is,” said an official spokesperson. “While our guests may not be perfect, we believe they contribute valuable perspectives. Admittedly, Werner’s presentation included some challenging audio clips from ‘Grizzly Man,’ and Bill’s discussion veered off-topic towards Islamophobia but despite these hiccups, we remain committed to providing enriching experiences for the children we serve.”

Dr. Tyson, meanwhile, remains proud of the experience and hopes for more in the future. “Honestly, I thought it went great. It was just another win for science,” he chuckled.

How I Became a Homeowner by Dying and Haunting the Property

Posted on by Dom Turek

With average housing prices hovering around the half-million dollar mark, I knew I’d never be a homeowner in my lifetime, and I was right.

Decades of jaywalking finally caught up to me and I bit the big one a few months back. If only someone had told me sooner how much my life would improve after dying, I would’ve meandered into traffic wearing nothing but a blindfold years ago, but as it’s been said, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Thanks to the extreme personal suffering and seething resentment I experienced during my lifetime, I was not so much “laid to rest” as I was “trapped for eternity” in the apartment unit I’d been renting up until my death, thus making me proprietor over the estate by laws far outranking those of man.

Contrary to what I’d expected, you actually do meet an all-knowing entity shrouded in a pleasant yet blinding white light when you die. The mysterious figure even gives you a choice between accepting death or receiving one more chance at life, but with my mountain of credit card debt, dead-end relationship, and soul-sucking 9-5 job, I chose the far less depressing option and decided to remain dead.

Unfortunately, not everyone is pleased with my decision to take up space in two realms. The new leaseholders of my apartment are constantly pleading with me to “go somewhere else” and “make peace with my time on earth” but why would I take advice from a renter? Maybe if they’d applied themselves a little more they could be living in a haunted house instead of a haunted apartment unit.

In an effort to reclaim my home completely, I’ve been ramping up the supernatural activity, but nothing seems to work. I’ve tried the classics, like turning on the faucets in the middle of the night and stacking all their chairs into a pyramid, as well as more nuanced methods like hiding their Tupperware lids and changing their wifi password, but it turns out anything short of demonic possession won’t force someone into giving up a rent-stabilized apartment.

Struggling Book Publishing Industry Pressures God to Write Third Bible

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Executives from The Big Five book publishers launched a coordinated effort to boost sales by pressuring the universe’s creator, and once prominent author, to write a third installment of the Bible, sources confirmed.

“It’s no secret that the publishing industry has seen better days. With e-readers and audiobooks growing in popularity, we’ve seen a steady decline in sales of physical media,” said HarperCollins CEO Brian Murray. “We decided it was finally time to reach out to God and make an offer. I’ll be honest, they were pretty upset when we contacted them. So much so that they caused an earthquake in New York. Eventually cooler heads prevailed when we pitched them on ‘The Newest Testament’ which will pick up right where the New Testament ends. It’s been 2,000 years, Jesus must be up in heaven with some new wisdom, let’s get that in a book and on shelves in Barnes and Noble by Christmas, people will flip for it.”

Christians around the globe were excited about the prospect of a new Bible.

“I’ll be honest, I could never really get into God’s earlier work. It’s all translated from a dead language, and I just want something a bit more digestible. Don’t get me wrong, I love the message, but I could do without all the foreskin talk and maybe skip the rape stuff as well. Also, if God could write this next Bible in modern English that would be a huge relief,” said Gloria Emmers. “I’d really like to know what God thinks of current American politics, which races and ethnicities I’m currently allowed to dislike as a Christian, and maybe if any more plagues are coming.”

Formerly proficient writer George RR Martin says executives also contacted him about finishing “The Winds of Winter.”

“These suits think that writing is easy. Did you know it took God nearly four billion years to write the Old Testament? It’s true, and it’s because God was busy creating a world, which is exactly what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis, so it’s insulting when people call me lazy for taking ten years,” said Martin from his New Mexico home. “This isn’t easy. If you want everything rushed, and a bunch of bad ideas slapped together then just go watch the final season of ‘Game of Thrones’ and tell me how much you loved that. Quit sending me letters, I’m sick of it.”

Representatives for God say the all powerful deity is mulling over options about the new book, but is excited to announce they are releasing a new limited podcast breaking down the movies of the “Fast and Furious” franchise.