Could my nephew Gabriel be the Modern Icarus? He wouldn’t know because he called me a Turd Wanker when I tried to teach him about Greek mythology, but things seem to be headed that way.
It’s my fault. He said his favorite actor is Adam Sandler because of Hotel Transylvania 2, so I showed him Uncut Gems. Now, he wants to use all the cuss words in that film so that maybe one day he can “die of fucking colon cancer like that fucking pissfucker Howard Ratner.” Unfortunately, moderation is not one of the words in his ever-expanding profane vocabulary.
He’s already trying out “pissfucker,” and it’s too soon! Don’t get me wrong, I cussed at his age, but I studied the craft before elevating to “pissfucker.” You have to pass core classes like “Shitbugger 101” and “What Countries You Can Say Cunt In” before taking on higher-level stuff. But Gabe won’t listen! He wants to jump right to the Carlin-isms with no “ass” transitional period and no exploration of “taint vs nutsack” pedagogy. What’s he thinking?
Plus, my brother told me the little schmuck has a C- in Grammar, and that’s gonna tank the potency of his swears. Everyone knows “to pissfuck’ isn’t an existent infinitive in modern English. Who does he think he is, Shakespeare? Trust me, the Bard would be better at AYSO soccer and show me a lot fewer YouTube shorts of Tung Tung Tung Sahur.
Three months ago, he could barely say ‘aw fiddlesticks;’ now he’s mapping out the playground’s assguzzlers with the precision of a tenured topographer. What have I done? Should I show him another Safdie film? Marty Supreme? At least then, he’ll be learning more wholesome lessons like being yourself and hating Kevin O’Leary.
