The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Sits in Car Parked in Driveway for 10 Hours to Catch Up on Podcasts

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

ELGIN, Ill. — Local graphic designer Oliver Boone sat in his parked car for approximately 10 hours yesterday, catching up on the podcasts he usually listens to on his commute, weirded out neighbors confirm.

“Before all of this, I had an hour and a half commute downtown every single day… and then I’d do it all again in the afternoon,” said Boone on one of his few bathroom breaks. “I could typically burn through ‘My Favorite Murder’ and ‘Stuff You Should Know’ just on a Monday. But now I’m like, three episodes behind on ‘Pod Save America’ and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just have to hope and pray ‘30 for 30’ doesn’t drop a new season anytime soon or I’m completely fucked.”

Boone’s wife Cheryl doesn’t understand why Oliver had to retreat to his car to catch up.

“I told him he could put it on the Google speaker in the living room, but he said that was too impersonal,” said Ms. Boone while rewatching the first two seasons of “Killing Eve.” “I bought him some really nice wireless headphones so he could listen to them on the treadmill, but he said it just wasn’t the same. Then he went into the garage, backed the car into the driveway, and sat there for all of yesterday’s daylight hours. He just stares off into space… occasionally I see him laugh, and it’s very off-putting.”

The podcast community has felt the impact of the quarantine as well.

“Boone is a hero. Our listening number our way down, our Casper Mattress promo code hasn’t been used in weeks, and no one has tweeted our catchphrase ‘Mississippi Flippy’ at me since I can’t remember when,” said Ollie Greer, host of “Pod Man Out.” “I have a whole box of shirts printed with the inside joke, ‘All Hail the Queef Queen,’ just sitting in my living room. We need to get America back to work so they can enjoy podcasts again in real time. Otherwise, I might have to shut down one of my eight podcasts.”

Oliver plans to catch up on every “Planet Money” podcast before going inside to inaccurately recap them to his wife.

We Tried Six Different Meal Kits and They All Tasted Like Raw Ingredients and Spices

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Zach Raffio

Meal kits are the fun, easy way to bring your loved ones a fresh new meal each night of the week, without all the pesky shopping and kitchen prep. We tried six of the top meal kit services currently on the market but should note that each of the foods delivered just tasted like an assortment of raw, cold ingredients and various dry spices, so can’t say we’ll be ordering again any time soon.

At least when you order takeout the food is cooked. I guess it’s back to Uber Eats.

Here’s what we dug our forks into.

Blue Apron
First up was Blue Apron’s Smoky Chicken & Creamy Cilantro Sauce over Spicy Carrots and Farro. We expected a fragrant, zesty Mediterranean dish, but all we ate was raw chicken (can you say “bellyache”?) and a handful of dry cilantro that made me cough a lot. Smoky Chicken? More like NOky Chicken.

HelloFresh
After a particularly hectic workday, we were excited to bust open a box of HelloFresh’s Salmon Limone, and while we fancy some raw fish (sushi, anyone?), eating a tablespoon of straight lemon zest doesn’t quite punch the ticket. All sour, no sweet.

Sun Basket
We went with Sun Basket for an organic, extra mindful choice. The Pork Chops with Dried Apricot Mostarda sounded tasty, but its uncooked nature left the pork rubbery and harsh (can you say “bellyache”?). The apricot was a nice change of pace, but paying $32 a box for a single piece of fruit doesn’t seem quite worth it.

Freshly
Turkey-Mushroom Meatballs with Zoodles & Spring Pesto? I would have loved to try it, but instead, I was treated to more cold, bitter produce. Plus, a little sheet of paper describing how they made it. Meatballs seared on all sides? I guess we have different definitions of the word “seared”.

Purple Carrot
As the only vegan option on our tasting board, we were excited to open the box, plate some of their BBQ Pulled Jackfruit Sandwiches, and have a healthy Spring barbecue. Instead, it was just slimy cold vegetables and several dinner rolls (can you say “bellyache”?). Yeah, I think next time I’ll just have a hot dog, thank you!

Gobble
At this point, something had to change, So, when we saw that the Soy-Rizo Stuffed Poblano Peppers were yet another carefully separated and measured collection of adjacent ingredients, we decided to try and methodically combine them to create what actually was a really fresh, easy-to-make dinner for everyone. PRO TIP: Use that smug little sheet of directions to copy their recipe exactly. That’ll show em’.

Metal Band Regrets Naming New Album “Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff”

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Yancy Lee Crawford

CHICAGO — Levi Tanaka, bassist and lead vocalist of technical death metal band Rodeus, issued an apology today via Facebook Live for “Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff,” the insensitive title of the group’s most recent album.

“Our new album ‘Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff’ is, like, a metaphor for the state of society right now,” said Tanaka, reading off a crumpled piece of paper. “The whole album is a super-dense commentary that is definitely about more than hospital hallways running red with the blood of patients and caregivers, really. We wanted to push the boundaries of extreme metal a bit, but we know now that this title was a bad idea. I hope this apology is enough — I’m sick of people leaving boxes of shit on my doorstep and throwing piss-soaked wads of toilet paper at me every time I leave my house.”

Rodeus guitarist Diego McKey was equally remorseful.

“People are dying in real life, and we get why everyone is so upset. But, Levi’s lyrics are so deep, they don’t literally mean what they mean, you know? The prosecutors in Levi’s assault trial never used the lyrics from ‘Death Grip Buzzsaw Step Dad Splatter’ against him when he beat his step dad’s ass because that song is art, and art isn’t against the law,” said McKey. “That would be like arresting Van Gogh for painting a dope picture of a guy getting absolutely gutted with a knife.”

Tanya O’Neal, a nurse working multiple 24-hour shifts every week in the ICU, was outraged by the band’s new work.

“I checked out the new album since I had the day off, and I loved their last album, ‘Eviscerating the Inner City,’” said O’Neal. “I hadn’t read anything about it, but… it just seems mean, even for a metal band. Why would Levi say, ‘Scalpel to this loser’s head / Her Ph.D doesn’t mean anything when she’s dead / Serve the patients a blood smoothie / Their dying breath is this afternoon’s movie’ on a song called ‘Cleanse the ER in Viscera’ unless he meant exactly what he was inward screaming? This whole thing is really making me rethink their old stuff, like ‘Syrian Blood Donation’ and ‘Your Face Is My Toilet.’”

Rodeus’s “Slash All Healthcare Funding” tour dates have been postponed due to nationwide shelter-in-place orders, in addition to a positive coronavirus diagnosis for their drummer and bass player.

Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Chandler Dean

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — After using his Animal Crossing themed Switch controller exactly 10 times, local gamer Jonathan Maislin was disappointed to watch it disappear into a puff of smoke, right before his eyes.

“I guess I figured the controller was a pretty important item, so I assumed it wouldn’t break so easily,” said Maislin, as he fumbled around his room searching for supplies that could conceivably be cobbled together to craft a new controller. “Next time I’ll have to upgrade from flimsy Joy-Cons to the sturdier Pro Controller. I heard you get, like, 30 uses out of that one.”

That day, Maislin spent hours shaking his cabinets, digging in his drawers, and thwacking his ottoman in search of raw materials. Eventually, he collected the necessary ingredients: batteries, a CPU chip, metal, and plastic, plus 30 handfuls of clay he couldn’t come up with a use for.

Despite this step forward, Maislin soon discovered that virtually every key tool in his gaming setup would eventually break and need replacing.

“I looked up like ten hints on my phone, and boom — it needed to be recharged,” complained Maislin. “Then, I was trying to snack, but after ten scoops of spinach dip, poof — dip’s gone. I’m starting to worry the couch might break soon if I sit on it too many times.”

When reached for comment, a representative from Nintendo insisted that the controller’s fragility was a deliberate part of the gameplay experience.

“In Animal Crossing: New Horizons, players build their entire island from scratch,” said Maxine McDonald, VP of Communications at Nintendo of America. “We’re proud to extend that functionality to every aspect of the game, including the barely functional controller. In fact, the mail-in program to fix drifting Joy-Cons was actually a teaser for Animal Crossing’s letter-sending mechanic. We hope all of our fans who’ve been DIY crafting USPS packages containing their broken controllers have been enjoying sending letters and gifts to their friends in New Horizons! Also, we apologize for the inconvenience with your broken controllers.”

At press time, Maislin’s attempt to craft his own controller was thwarted when his landlord refused to let him use the apartment building’s construction table.

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Reddit Relationship Post Clearly About Banjo and Kazooie

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SPIRAL MOUNTAIN — A new post on Reddit’s r/relationship_advice by an anonymous user was quickly identified by fans to be about the famous bear and bird duo Banjo and Kazooie.

“I just feel like I’m being used,” begins the now-deleted Reddit post entitled My (36F Bird) boyfriend (38M Bear) keeps pulling me out of his backpack and using me as a gun. “I have no agency in this relationship. For the most part, I don’t get to decide where we go — I rarely get to be the one walking. I get shit talked constantly by strangers, and my boyfriend never defends me. He uses me as a tool, he smacks me against other people. He ground pounds me. But I just don’t know what to do, he’s the only person I really know and I still love him.”

Commentators quickly picked up on the fact that the post seemed to have been written by Kazooie about her boyfriend Banjo.

“I think I know who this is, but sis, dump that only-pants-wearing motherfucker,” said one reply to the Reddit thread. “Throw the whole bear away.”

“Obviously this is anonymous but if it is who I think it is, maybe you should just appreciate your boyfriend more?” said another reply. “He’s the one gathering most of the jigsaw puzzles and musical notes. I think everybody sucks here.”

After some time, however, many commentators began to discuss whether or not the post was a troll pretending to be Kazooie.

“This is way too obviously supposed to be Banjo and Kazooie. Bad troll is bad,” replied one comment. “Kazooie has been on record saying that she loves Banjo and has nothing bad to say about him. Just watch any video of them, they’re clearly mad happy. This is so fake lol.”

As of press time, a spokesperson from Rare clarified that neither Banjo or Kazooie could have written the Reddit post because both are illiterate.

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Hogwarts Professors Really Struggling With Zoom Classes

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS — Professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft admit they’re struggling with teaching students remotely via Zoom several months into a devastating outbreak of Scrofungulus sweeping across the country.

“As soon as my scraggly owl Juniper Squiggledick gave me the news we were shutting down, the first thing I thought was, ‘Oh, God — they’re going to force me to use one of those toplap mirror portals, aren’t they?’” said Professor Filius Flitwik, balancing precariously on a pile of broken Dell laptop computers. “Every time I demonstrate a Levitation spell, I accidentally blast my mirror portal into the ceiling. The school doesn’t reimburse me for these and I’m starting to go broke.”

Additionally, magical educators are combating rampant cheating among certain students — in particular, muggle-born students with an extreme advantage over their pure-blooded peers.

“I’m crushing my classes now. When McGonagall has us practice transfigurations, I just let my cat run offscreen, say a few Latin words, play a ‘poof’ sound effect on my iPhone, and then grab a broom I had under my desk,” explained student Geoffrey Needlepeen. “I really blew her mind when I transformed myself into a talking potato using a Snapchat filter.”

However, the biggest challenge facing the wizarding community is the possibility of exposure. The Ministry of Magic has lifted its restrictions on underage magic wielders using their powers outside of school, but at a higher risk of being outed.

“Yeah… now that you mention it, all sorts of weird shit has been happening recently,” said Karen Foggycock, a muggle. “I was walking to the grocery store the other day, and I saw a flash of green light come from one of the houses on my street… and then what I can only describe as 1,000 anthropomorphic roots ran past me into the street and down a sewer. I woke up a few hours later having no recollection of what happened until just now.”

As of press time, J.K. Rowling was wandering around Diagon Alley, yelling about how Scrofungulus is analogous to AIDS and that Hagrid was a pansexual deviant.

Plandemic Video Reveals Shocking Truth on How Fucking Dumb All Your Friends Are

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Alec Stein

WASHINGTON — The new viral bombshell “Plandemic” has revealed a simple, shocking truth: that all of your friends are dribbling, incognizant fucking morons who are no better equipped to make informed decisions than the rocks they call pets, you confirmed after a marathon session of unfollowing everyone who shared the video.

“A lot of my friends started listening to Joe Rogan a few years back, and it sent them down a path of ‘freethinking’ — but most of their new beliefs were easily debunked conspiracy theories from websites selling dick pills,” you said dejectedly. “My friends sharing this video with absolute certainty are the same ones who used to shit in plastic bags and have ‘poo balloon’ fights every Fourth of July. Somehow, I never knew the same guy who got expelled from high school for shooting a potato gun at the principal’s car also became an epidemiologist overnight.”

“The worst part is, they think I’m the dumb one… and that I’m brainwashed simply because I don’t get my news from discredited scientists,” you added.

Despite the overwhelming body of evidence that every last one of your friends who shared “Plandemic” with a caption like, “u need too see this,” is an incompetent, pants-pissing imbecile barely hanging on to their position at the top of the food chain, not everyone is convinced.

“I’m sorry if you’re too dumb to realize that COVID-19 can be cured by the healing microbes of the beach. I’ve been eating as much sand as I can get my hands on, and I’m healthy as fuck,” said Derek Schmidt, your Facebook friend currently under house arrest for punching a horse he claims ‘looked at him funny’ at a petting zoo. “I’ve been doing my own research, and I’ve seen a lot of memes that show Dr. Fauci created AIDS to use vaccines to start a new world order. Everyone needs to wake up before it’s too late.”

An anonymous Pentagon source confirmed the government’s clandestine role in concealing your friends’ complete and utter lack of higher brain function for so long.

“We did what we had to,” said the source. “The public just wasn’t ready to know how inconceivably moronic all your friends are. If you suddenly realized their vote counted the same as yours, you might end up jumping off a bridge. We did it for your protection. After ‘Loose Change’ we had to up our efforts, but ‘Plandemic’ has blown the whole thing apart.”

At press time, you were seen in your bathroom, splashing cold water on your face before calling your parents to let them know that everything they share on Facebook originates from right wing hate groups.

This Shelter Dog Looks Just Like Gene Simmons So We Are Putting It Down

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

It is a time of uncertainty in the world. Between a global pandemic, unemployment, and scarce resources, no one knows anything for sure anymore. Well, a photo of a shelter dog bearing a stunning resemblance to KISS member Gene Simmons is blowing up on Reddit right and there’s one thing we are certain of — we need to raise awareness to this poor doggo’s condition and implore the shelter to put this thing out of its misery.

No being, man or beast, should be forced to live life looking like this. We are doing this poor guy a favor. People walk by his pen and recoil in horror as they are immediately reminded that KISS exists. It is not fair to the patrons and the shelter workers, let alone this poor doggy. Let’s just take this thing out back and put a love gun to its head.

The shelter is actually a no-kill shelter so we’re gonna have to work really hard to end this dog’s suffering. Perhaps a Change.org petition to transfer him to a high-kill shelter would be the most proactive route to take. Or maybe burn the whole shelter down. This dog does not want to rock and roll all night. He wants to die. We put a mirror in front of him and the look in his eyes said “Detroit rock city.” Do we need further proof?

God may have given rock and roll to you, but this dog was a gift from Beelzebub, himself. Unfortunately, we can’t do anything about Simmons and his shitty music but we can do something about this unfortunate mongrel. Typically I am not a proponent of eugenics but this was a mistake of nature. It is our duty to correct that mistake. Please, look into your hearts and kill this dog.

Missouri Punk Band Paid in Exposure to COVID-19

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Bobby Korec

ST. LOUIS — Local punk band Dead Houseplants will play Locust Street’s Fubar in exchange for free exposure to COVID-19 yesterday after Missouri leadership gave the green light to reopen music venues across the state.

“Our state slogan is, ‘Let the welfare of the people be the supreme law,’ and I have to admit, I have no idea what that means. All I know is that it has the icky word ‘welfare’ in it,” said Gov. Mike Parson. “A lot of venues are struggling right now, so we understand that paying a band in money is tough. But by exposing them to this virus they could make thousands with a GoFundMe campaign.”

“I mean, the best case scenario is that someone will dig the band’s music and buy some merch to jumpstart the economy, but we know that won’t happen,” Parson continued. “It’s far more likely that someone will unknowingly pass along a highly infectious disease that’s currently decimating human civilization on a global scale, the likes of which we’ve never seen before, and will kill everyone who was at that venue, as well as their families. But hey, this is America — we want people to have the freedom to do what they want.”

Consequently, the band voiced their concern about reopening venues too soon.

“I’m super excited about playing live again. I don’t know anyone that has this disease, so as far as I’m concerned it’s not a real threat,” guitarist Jimmy Laderdon said while smoking a cigarette and drinking a Tecate. “We’ve donated plenty of drink tickets to COVID-19 relief efforts and streamed a bunch of Instagram live shows that’ve had several views. So we’ve done our part to help — now it’s time to get back to normal.”

Experts have been speculating on the impact of the pandemic on the economy.

“If we’ve learned anything from this pandemic, it’s that our fragile economy doesn’t work unless it’s disproportionately benefiting corporations, and that means butts in the seats,” said economist Nancy Bendleton. “Sure, you or a loved one might get sick and die unnecessarily, but aren’t you just so bored at home and itching to get back to earning a barely livable wage to avoid a nationwide recession while your state representatives get a free pass? A little exposure to ‘rona is a small price to pay for a thriving economy that mainly crushes the little guy.”

At press time, show promoters announced that, in addition to COVID-19, infectious diarrhea and Ebola were both expected to make an appearance at the event.

Former Reddit Mod Successfully Re-Enters Society as Wikipedia Editor

Posted on May 10, 2020 by Andy Holt

PITTSBURGH — After many shameful years working in the underworld of Reddit moderation, local pedantic jerk Martin Thurn claims to have turned over a new leaf, using his unique skills for good by editing Wikipedia pages.

“Even after I left that horrible life behind, the things I did in that, that place… they stuck with me,” said Thurn, 37, who could not say the word “Reddit” without succumbing to a wave of shame and regret. “Did I ban people for disagreeing with me? Yes. Did I give one-word answers to long, complicated questions? I am sorry to say that I did. When people asked me to take down content that was stolen from them, did I help them out? Not once. Never.”

While Thurn had no hope of erasing his past sins, he hoped to apply his uniquely shitty personality to help society, by editing obscure articles on Wikipedia.

“My past life taught me a lot about abusing a tiny amount of power to feel more valuable as a person. I don’t want to waste that experience,” said Thurn, fresh off a three-hour argument about the use of passive voice in the page about Slovenian ice dancer Evgeni Striganov. “One morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized, the fact is that I’m a condescending asshole, and I can’t change that. All I can do is accept it and harness it for good.”

When he is not editing Wikipedia articles, Thurn also donates his time to talk to young know-it-alls, who face increased risk of falling into Reddit moderation. He speaks openly with them about his past, but there is one topic that unfailingly brings him to tears.

“These fingers, they directed so many innocent people to the rules along the sidebar. So, so many,” Thurn said, holding up his trembling hands. “I will carry them with me forever.”

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