The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Activision: ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3’ Remake Not Coming Until Consoles Can Render Bam Margera In Full Detail

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Promising that they would release a definitive version of the 2001 classic as soon as modern processors are able to catch up to their bold vision, Activision announced today that although they will soon release a modern remaster of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 + 2, that they will hold off on remastering Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 as well until consoles are capable of rendering skateboarder and Jackass star Bam Margera in full detail.

“We’re all excited to work with Vicarious Visions to bring this series back to life and to reunite players with all of its unforgettable stages and skaters,” said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick in a prepared statement. “Technology has grown in leaps and bounds since the original game was released in 1999, and we look forward to giving you the Tony Hawk experience like never before. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to hit the half-pipe with Bam again just yet, and for that we’re sorry. But we all want to make sure we get him right this time, so please be patient.”

“Rest assured, our whole team is hard at work to make this a reality next generation,” Kotick continued. “With the ray tracing and teraflop-computing potential of the PlayStation 5 and Xbox Series X, we’ll soon be able to render the mischievous Bam Margera along with all of his tattoos and Jackass-related scars with stunning realism.”

Members of the development team behind the remasters, which include former Neversoft employees who worked on the original games, gave accounts of the difficulty they encountered while prototyping HD models of Margera.

“The models we made for all of the skaters in the game are really detailed,” said senior character designer Janette Diaz. “But none of them have as much heart, soul, or glimmers of personality behind their eyes like Bam does. We tried for months to get his devilish grin just right, but we don’t quite have the polygon count to get past the uncanny valley yet. I bet by the end of the next console generation we’ll be able to really do him justice.”

Fans online were disappointed by the news, but supported Activision’s decision.

“Really bummed they’re not releasing the whole trilogy at once, but I’m willing to wait if it means they’re gonna get Bam’s character model right,” said Reddit user u/GrindOverMatter. “When I was a kid, that blocky, polygonal version of Bam wasn’t much to look at, but with enough imagination you could really imagine becoming him and skating around getting into all sorts of trouble. If they’re going to try and recreate that experience, I want it to really blow my mind this time. So I hope they take as much time as they need. Viva la Bam!”

At press time, Activision announced that the remasters would once again feature Spider-Man as an unlockable character, which enraged fans after they discovered that the character model for Spider-Man had been completely copied over from Insomniac’s 2018 Spider-Man game.

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How Telling People About Mindfulness Changed the Way I’m an Asshole to Them

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Ryan Harnedy

Hi. It’s me, your friend on Facebook who sends you articles about mindfulness. I hope you’re having a good day. Actually, I insist you have a good day. Feelings are a choice. That is a fact. That’s why it’s on Instagram captions. “Slay all day” is also a fact but that is not why we’re here to discuss. This is about mindfulness, which I will now condescendingly teach you about by paraphrasing an article I didn’t read.

Here we go! Breathe in good vibes. Now hold them. Good vibes only. Hold them. Continue to hold. Continue holding… you breathed didn’t you? Of course you did. You straight up suck at mindfulness.

You probably breathed out bad vibes. That can happen sometimes. It used to happen to me a lot but that was before when I was anxious and insecure, often going days without sharing vague advice that is both glaringly obvious yet seemingly impossible. “Live in the tension?” What the fuck does that mean? Sure, the meaning is clear but, like, how?

Sharing articles about mindfulness really has changed the way I’m an asshole to people. In fact, it changed the way I’ve been passive aggressive to people in every aspect of my life. Do you know how many nervous wrecks are out there, just looking for a way to feel better? Would those people probably benefit from me talking to them and listening to them and then possibly suggesting mindfulness exercises after they feel heard? Sure. Or you can send them like two articles and they’ll know you’re better at not being nervous than they are.

Thank you for taking a moment today to let me send you this article. If you need me I’ll be posting Good Vibes Only pictures on Instagram to remind people that being sad is their fault.

Man Sits in Car Parked in Driveway for 10 Hours to Catch Up on Podcasts

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

ELGIN, Ill. — Local graphic designer Oliver Boone sat in his parked car for approximately 10 hours yesterday, catching up on the podcasts he usually listens to on his commute, weirded out neighbors confirm.

“Before all of this, I had an hour and a half commute downtown every single day… and then I’d do it all again in the afternoon,” said Boone on one of his few bathroom breaks. “I could typically burn through ‘My Favorite Murder’ and ‘Stuff You Should Know’ just on a Monday. But now I’m like, three episodes behind on ‘Pod Save America’ and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just have to hope and pray ‘30 for 30’ doesn’t drop a new season anytime soon or I’m completely fucked.”

Boone’s wife Cheryl doesn’t understand why Oliver had to retreat to his car to catch up.

“I told him he could put it on the Google speaker in the living room, but he said that was too impersonal,” said Ms. Boone while rewatching the first two seasons of “Killing Eve.” “I bought him some really nice wireless headphones so he could listen to them on the treadmill, but he said it just wasn’t the same. Then he went into the garage, backed the car into the driveway, and sat there for all of yesterday’s daylight hours. He just stares off into space… occasionally I see him laugh, and it’s very off-putting.”

The podcast community has felt the impact of the quarantine as well.

“Boone is a hero. Our listening number our way down, our Casper Mattress promo code hasn’t been used in weeks, and no one has tweeted our catchphrase ‘Mississippi Flippy’ at me since I can’t remember when,” said Ollie Greer, host of “Pod Man Out.” “I have a whole box of shirts printed with the inside joke, ‘All Hail the Queef Queen,’ just sitting in my living room. We need to get America back to work so they can enjoy podcasts again in real time. Otherwise, I might have to shut down one of my eight podcasts.”

Oliver plans to catch up on every “Planet Money” podcast before going inside to inaccurately recap them to his wife.

We Tried Six Different Meal Kits and They All Tasted Like Raw Ingredients and Spices

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Zach Raffio

Meal kits are the fun, easy way to bring your loved ones a fresh new meal each night of the week, without all the pesky shopping and kitchen prep. We tried six of the top meal kit services currently on the market but should note that each of the foods delivered just tasted like an assortment of raw, cold ingredients and various dry spices, so can’t say we’ll be ordering again any time soon.

At least when you order takeout the food is cooked. I guess it’s back to Uber Eats.

Here’s what we dug our forks into.

Blue Apron
First up was Blue Apron’s Smoky Chicken & Creamy Cilantro Sauce over Spicy Carrots and Farro. We expected a fragrant, zesty Mediterranean dish, but all we ate was raw chicken (can you say “bellyache”?) and a handful of dry cilantro that made me cough a lot. Smoky Chicken? More like NOky Chicken.

HelloFresh
After a particularly hectic workday, we were excited to bust open a box of HelloFresh’s Salmon Limone, and while we fancy some raw fish (sushi, anyone?), eating a tablespoon of straight lemon zest doesn’t quite punch the ticket. All sour, no sweet.

Sun Basket
We went with Sun Basket for an organic, extra mindful choice. The Pork Chops with Dried Apricot Mostarda sounded tasty, but its uncooked nature left the pork rubbery and harsh (can you say “bellyache”?). The apricot was a nice change of pace, but paying $32 a box for a single piece of fruit doesn’t seem quite worth it.

Freshly
Turkey-Mushroom Meatballs with Zoodles & Spring Pesto? I would have loved to try it, but instead, I was treated to more cold, bitter produce. Plus, a little sheet of paper describing how they made it. Meatballs seared on all sides? I guess we have different definitions of the word “seared”.

Purple Carrot
As the only vegan option on our tasting board, we were excited to open the box, plate some of their BBQ Pulled Jackfruit Sandwiches, and have a healthy Spring barbecue. Instead, it was just slimy cold vegetables and several dinner rolls (can you say “bellyache”?). Yeah, I think next time I’ll just have a hot dog, thank you!

Gobble
At this point, something had to change, So, when we saw that the Soy-Rizo Stuffed Poblano Peppers were yet another carefully separated and measured collection of adjacent ingredients, we decided to try and methodically combine them to create what actually was a really fresh, easy-to-make dinner for everyone. PRO TIP: Use that smug little sheet of directions to copy their recipe exactly. That’ll show em’.

Metal Band Regrets Naming New Album “Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff”

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Yancy Lee Crawford

CHICAGO — Levi Tanaka, bassist and lead vocalist of technical death metal band Rodeus, issued an apology today via Facebook Live for “Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff,” the insensitive title of the group’s most recent album.

“Our new album ‘Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff’ is, like, a metaphor for the state of society right now,” said Tanaka, reading off a crumpled piece of paper. “The whole album is a super-dense commentary that is definitely about more than hospital hallways running red with the blood of patients and caregivers, really. We wanted to push the boundaries of extreme metal a bit, but we know now that this title was a bad idea. I hope this apology is enough — I’m sick of people leaving boxes of shit on my doorstep and throwing piss-soaked wads of toilet paper at me every time I leave my house.”

Rodeus guitarist Diego McKey was equally remorseful.

“People are dying in real life, and we get why everyone is so upset. But, Levi’s lyrics are so deep, they don’t literally mean what they mean, you know? The prosecutors in Levi’s assault trial never used the lyrics from ‘Death Grip Buzzsaw Step Dad Splatter’ against him when he beat his step dad’s ass because that song is art, and art isn’t against the law,” said McKey. “That would be like arresting Van Gogh for painting a dope picture of a guy getting absolutely gutted with a knife.”

Tanya O’Neal, a nurse working multiple 24-hour shifts every week in the ICU, was outraged by the band’s new work.

“I checked out the new album since I had the day off, and I loved their last album, ‘Eviscerating the Inner City,’” said O’Neal. “I hadn’t read anything about it, but… it just seems mean, even for a metal band. Why would Levi say, ‘Scalpel to this loser’s head / Her Ph.D doesn’t mean anything when she’s dead / Serve the patients a blood smoothie / Their dying breath is this afternoon’s movie’ on a song called ‘Cleanse the ER in Viscera’ unless he meant exactly what he was inward screaming? This whole thing is really making me rethink their old stuff, like ‘Syrian Blood Donation’ and ‘Your Face Is My Toilet.’”

Rodeus’s “Slash All Healthcare Funding” tour dates have been postponed due to nationwide shelter-in-place orders, in addition to a positive coronavirus diagnosis for their drummer and bass player.

Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Chandler Dean

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — After using his Animal Crossing themed Switch controller exactly 10 times, local gamer Jonathan Maislin was disappointed to watch it disappear into a puff of smoke, right before his eyes.

“I guess I figured the controller was a pretty important item, so I assumed it wouldn’t break so easily,” said Maislin, as he fumbled around his room searching for supplies that could conceivably be cobbled together to craft a new controller. “Next time I’ll have to upgrade from flimsy Joy-Cons to the sturdier Pro Controller. I heard you get, like, 30 uses out of that one.”

That day, Maislin spent hours shaking his cabinets, digging in his drawers, and thwacking his ottoman in search of raw materials. Eventually, he collected the necessary ingredients: batteries, a CPU chip, metal, and plastic, plus 30 handfuls of clay he couldn’t come up with a use for.

Despite this step forward, Maislin soon discovered that virtually every key tool in his gaming setup would eventually break and need replacing.

“I looked up like ten hints on my phone, and boom — it needed to be recharged,” complained Maislin. “Then, I was trying to snack, but after ten scoops of spinach dip, poof — dip’s gone. I’m starting to worry the couch might break soon if I sit on it too many times.”

When reached for comment, a representative from Nintendo insisted that the controller’s fragility was a deliberate part of the gameplay experience.

“In Animal Crossing: New Horizons, players build their entire island from scratch,” said Maxine McDonald, VP of Communications at Nintendo of America. “We’re proud to extend that functionality to every aspect of the game, including the barely functional controller. In fact, the mail-in program to fix drifting Joy-Cons was actually a teaser for Animal Crossing’s letter-sending mechanic. We hope all of our fans who’ve been DIY crafting USPS packages containing their broken controllers have been enjoying sending letters and gifts to their friends in New Horizons! Also, we apologize for the inconvenience with your broken controllers.”

At press time, Maislin’s attempt to craft his own controller was thwarted when his landlord refused to let him use the apartment building’s construction table.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Reddit Relationship Post Clearly About Banjo and Kazooie

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SPIRAL MOUNTAIN — A new post on Reddit’s r/relationship_advice by an anonymous user was quickly identified by fans to be about the famous bear and bird duo Banjo and Kazooie.

“I just feel like I’m being used,” begins the now-deleted Reddit post entitled My (36F Bird) boyfriend (38M Bear) keeps pulling me out of his backpack and using me as a gun. “I have no agency in this relationship. For the most part, I don’t get to decide where we go — I rarely get to be the one walking. I get shit talked constantly by strangers, and my boyfriend never defends me. He uses me as a tool, he smacks me against other people. He ground pounds me. But I just don’t know what to do, he’s the only person I really know and I still love him.”

Commentators quickly picked up on the fact that the post seemed to have been written by Kazooie about her boyfriend Banjo.

“I think I know who this is, but sis, dump that only-pants-wearing motherfucker,” said one reply to the Reddit thread. “Throw the whole bear away.”

“Obviously this is anonymous but if it is who I think it is, maybe you should just appreciate your boyfriend more?” said another reply. “He’s the one gathering most of the jigsaw puzzles and musical notes. I think everybody sucks here.”

After some time, however, many commentators began to discuss whether or not the post was a troll pretending to be Kazooie.

“This is way too obviously supposed to be Banjo and Kazooie. Bad troll is bad,” replied one comment. “Kazooie has been on record saying that she loves Banjo and has nothing bad to say about him. Just watch any video of them, they’re clearly mad happy. This is so fake lol.”

As of press time, a spokesperson from Rare clarified that neither Banjo or Kazooie could have written the Reddit post because both are illiterate.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Hogwarts Professors Really Struggling With Zoom Classes

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS — Professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft admit they’re struggling with teaching students remotely via Zoom several months into a devastating outbreak of Scrofungulus sweeping across the country.

“As soon as my scraggly owl Juniper Squiggledick gave me the news we were shutting down, the first thing I thought was, ‘Oh, God — they’re going to force me to use one of those toplap mirror portals, aren’t they?’” said Professor Filius Flitwik, balancing precariously on a pile of broken Dell laptop computers. “Every time I demonstrate a Levitation spell, I accidentally blast my mirror portal into the ceiling. The school doesn’t reimburse me for these and I’m starting to go broke.”

Additionally, magical educators are combating rampant cheating among certain students — in particular, muggle-born students with an extreme advantage over their pure-blooded peers.

“I’m crushing my classes now. When McGonagall has us practice transfigurations, I just let my cat run offscreen, say a few Latin words, play a ‘poof’ sound effect on my iPhone, and then grab a broom I had under my desk,” explained student Geoffrey Needlepeen. “I really blew her mind when I transformed myself into a talking potato using a Snapchat filter.”

However, the biggest challenge facing the wizarding community is the possibility of exposure. The Ministry of Magic has lifted its restrictions on underage magic wielders using their powers outside of school, but at a higher risk of being outed.

“Yeah… now that you mention it, all sorts of weird shit has been happening recently,” said Karen Foggycock, a muggle. “I was walking to the grocery store the other day, and I saw a flash of green light come from one of the houses on my street… and then what I can only describe as 1,000 anthropomorphic roots ran past me into the street and down a sewer. I woke up a few hours later having no recollection of what happened until just now.”

As of press time, J.K. Rowling was wandering around Diagon Alley, yelling about how Scrofungulus is analogous to AIDS and that Hagrid was a pansexual deviant.

Plandemic Video Reveals Shocking Truth on How Fucking Dumb All Your Friends Are

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Alec Stein

WASHINGTON — The new viral bombshell “Plandemic” has revealed a simple, shocking truth: that all of your friends are dribbling, incognizant fucking morons who are no better equipped to make informed decisions than the rocks they call pets, you confirmed after a marathon session of unfollowing everyone who shared the video.

“A lot of my friends started listening to Joe Rogan a few years back, and it sent them down a path of ‘freethinking’ — but most of their new beliefs were easily debunked conspiracy theories from websites selling dick pills,” you said dejectedly. “My friends sharing this video with absolute certainty are the same ones who used to shit in plastic bags and have ‘poo balloon’ fights every Fourth of July. Somehow, I never knew the same guy who got expelled from high school for shooting a potato gun at the principal’s car also became an epidemiologist overnight.”

“The worst part is, they think I’m the dumb one… and that I’m brainwashed simply because I don’t get my news from discredited scientists,” you added.

Despite the overwhelming body of evidence that every last one of your friends who shared “Plandemic” with a caption like, “u need too see this,” is an incompetent, pants-pissing imbecile barely hanging on to their position at the top of the food chain, not everyone is convinced.

“I’m sorry if you’re too dumb to realize that COVID-19 can be cured by the healing microbes of the beach. I’ve been eating as much sand as I can get my hands on, and I’m healthy as fuck,” said Derek Schmidt, your Facebook friend currently under house arrest for punching a horse he claims ‘looked at him funny’ at a petting zoo. “I’ve been doing my own research, and I’ve seen a lot of memes that show Dr. Fauci created AIDS to use vaccines to start a new world order. Everyone needs to wake up before it’s too late.”

An anonymous Pentagon source confirmed the government’s clandestine role in concealing your friends’ complete and utter lack of higher brain function for so long.

“We did what we had to,” said the source. “The public just wasn’t ready to know how inconceivably moronic all your friends are. If you suddenly realized their vote counted the same as yours, you might end up jumping off a bridge. We did it for your protection. After ‘Loose Change’ we had to up our efforts, but ‘Plandemic’ has blown the whole thing apart.”

At press time, you were seen in your bathroom, splashing cold water on your face before calling your parents to let them know that everything they share on Facebook originates from right wing hate groups.

This Shelter Dog Looks Just Like Gene Simmons So We Are Putting It Down

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

It is a time of uncertainty in the world. Between a global pandemic, unemployment, and scarce resources, no one knows anything for sure anymore. Well, a photo of a shelter dog bearing a stunning resemblance to KISS member Gene Simmons is blowing up on Reddit right and there’s one thing we are certain of — we need to raise awareness to this poor doggo’s condition and implore the shelter to put this thing out of its misery.

No being, man or beast, should be forced to live life looking like this. We are doing this poor guy a favor. People walk by his pen and recoil in horror as they are immediately reminded that KISS exists. It is not fair to the patrons and the shelter workers, let alone this poor doggy. Let’s just take this thing out back and put a love gun to its head.

The shelter is actually a no-kill shelter so we’re gonna have to work really hard to end this dog’s suffering. Perhaps a Change.org petition to transfer him to a high-kill shelter would be the most proactive route to take. Or maybe burn the whole shelter down. This dog does not want to rock and roll all night. He wants to die. We put a mirror in front of him and the look in his eyes said “Detroit rock city.” Do we need further proof?

God may have given rock and roll to you, but this dog was a gift from Beelzebub, himself. Unfortunately, we can’t do anything about Simmons and his shitty music but we can do something about this unfortunate mongrel. Typically I am not a proponent of eugenics but this was a mistake of nature. It is our duty to correct that mistake. Please, look into your hearts and kill this dog.

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