JK Rowling Announces Personal Fantasy Novel

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LONDON — Harry Potter author JK Rowling has announced that her next novel, about a cisgender man who dresses as a woman in order to murder them, will move away from high fantasy and will instead be her first edition in the personal fantasy genre.

“I spent a lot of time working with existing fantasy tropes in Harry Potter, but I wanted my next fiction novel to be a concept that was entirely of my own creation,” Rowling explained. “The idea of a cis man pretending to be a transgender woman in order to attack cis women has been a personal fantasy of mine for years. As a writer, I think if there’s an idea that has been rattling around in your mind for so many years, that means it’s probably a good one to expand into something larger. This idea has definitely been in my head for a long time.”

Rowling’s fans quickly weighed in on social media once the new book was announced.

“I think it’s really cool that Rowling is expanding the type of novel she writes,” said fan Carly Johnson. “A lot of people teased her for being a bit too precious with her characters — like that famous meme of her and George RR Martin — so I like that this next book is a true crime novel. And in perfect true crime fashion, her newest book actually opens with a murder: her own career.”

At press time, IT Crowd creator Graham Linehan announced he would be adapting the novel into a sprawling fantasy television series, despite multiple networks’ insistence that this is not true.

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We Went To Check Out the Big “At The Drive-in” Reunion and They Just Played “City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold”

Posted on by Dan Rice

A few months ago we started hearing rumors that because of COVID-19, the Drive-in was making a comeback. We had absolutely no idea what the coronavirus had to do with At The Drive-In touring again, but we were excited nonetheless! Hell, if a global pandemic makes one of the most influential bands of the very early ‘00s get back together, let’s have one every year!

Unfortunately, the gang seems to have lost a big step over the years. It’s not that we were expecting them to have the same level of energy they had nearly 20 years ago. No one thought they were about to see Cedric jumping around the stage like an acrobat on meth again or anything like that. But frankly, the performance we saw did not meet even our lowest expectations. No acrobatics, no music, no original members, and no band at all for that matter. It was literally just a screening of City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.

Maybe we caught them on a bad night? Maybe they were supposed to play in front of the movie and they just got tired? I’ve seen bands do that, I guess. I’m pretty sure it was Omar Rodríguez-López behind the projector at least. Whoever it was, dude was flawless.

Honestly, I wanted to enjoy the show, but having the band not actually perform or appear on stage or be anywhere anyone could actually see them was too big of a hurdle. At least it was cheap. They charged by the carload for some reason, but still, barely worth it.

And they didn’t even pick a good movie! Hell, they didn’t even pick the best City Slicker’s movie! Jack Palance’s character had a secret twin brother the whole time that he never mentioned in the first film? Get fucking real.

It was almost as bad as going to see Sparta.

MAGA Patriot Stalks Man for Three Miles in Self Defense

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

BEND, Ore. — Armed MAGA patriot Kenneth Carter spent several days last week tracking a man over several miles in what Carter claims was self defense, exasperated sources confirmed.

“Something didn’t feel right,” said Carter, his finger never leaving the trigger of his AR-15. “I’ve had several years of training with the Large Sons of Freedom militia, and I tactically ascertained that my well-being was either currently or eventually going to be in danger. My attempts to alert local law enforcement were unsuccessful, however, as I am currently forbidden from entering the station, so I was forced to take matters into my own hands.”

“I followed the target for several miles, camped outside of his house for multiple days, read his mail and hacked his social media accounts, all to ascertain when the target would launch their attack on me,” he added. “I have yet to be assaulted, so I would describe my actions as successful.”

Jacob Alvarez, Carter’s alleged potential attacker, was caught off-guard by the allegations, as he only contacted police after finding Carter rifling through his trash.

“I’m really confused,” admitted Alvarez. “This guy seemingly knows everything about me: where I work, how often I go to the bathroom, which hand I honk off with… I’ve been talking to the police, but we can’t figure out why he followed me. I tend to wear a hoodie at nights, so our best guess is this may not have happened if I was dressed a little more modestly.”

For their part, law enforcement has spent nearly no time figuring out why the self-proclaimed “patriot” would feel compelled to exercise his second amendment rights in Alvarez’s home.

“Actual assault doesn’t need to take place to stand your ground,” remarked Bend Police Chief Arthur Cromwell. “A battery incident is typical precedent, but in cases involving white men, the defendant merely needs to suspect possible future assault to engage in counter-assault defensive measures. We call this ‘preemptive reactionary aggression,’ where someone shoots the assailant before the assailant even knows they want to attack the victim. Unfortunately, we were too early to pre-prevent this eventual assault from potentially happening.”

At press time, Carter was following a young woman whom he was positive would be “asking for it” some day.

Disgusting: I Murdered Someone and Now Tucker Carlson’s Talking About Me Like We’re Friends

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

This is a fucking disgrace. Do I like escalating shit? Sure. Do I like killing people? Fuck yeah! Do I like when bowtie-wearing goobers sully my reputation with their smarmy support? Hell no. Now that weird dork, Tucker Carlson, is broadcasting to the whole world, praising me like we’re best buds. I had a reputation I was trying to maintain as an honest, self-made murderer but now I’m scared people are gonna think I’m lame.

There goes my chances of meeting any of those women who are sexually attracted to murderers. With my name connected to that bowtie dweeb, I might as well be a lowly sex offender.

When did killing people become a political statement? My murderees weren’t even protestors. Free me. I am an apolitical prisoner! People would know that if they bothered to read my manifesto.

Once you read it, you’ll see that all I care about is to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, and to be born into new worlds and my victim’s body is the key. Tucker is too much of a close-minded conservative to understand anything about new worlds. I would certainly never invite him over to check out my collection of severed fingers. Steve Doocy, maybe. But never Tuck.

Great, looks like all his dorky friends at Breitbart are praising me too. Can’t loser politicians go back to blaming murders on heavy metal like they did in the ’80s? I can’t believe there’s someone lamer than Tipper Gore.

Ticketmaster Lobbies Congress to Amend “Save Our Stages” Bill with $790 Million Service Fee

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

WASHINGTON — Billion-dollar event company Ticketmaster lobbied before Congress yesterday to add a “barely noticeable” $790-million service fee to the “Save Our Stages” bill meant to help struggling independent venues, sources imploring representatives to “score one for the little guy” confirm.

“We are part of this country’s cultural fabric,” said Ticketmaster lobbyist Mark Leeman. “There are millions of Americans out there who will never forget the first concert they couldn’t attend because our contractual price minimums and online ticketing fees made it impossible for them to afford it. This minor adjustment won’t just aid our international mom-and-pop operation, but would also secure the vital ticket middleman industry — a national treasure — for years to come.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reacted swiftly to the proposed change.

“Obviously my contemporaries across the aisle don’t even listen to music, let alone care about our nation’s beloved ticket conglomerates,” she said in an interview following the session. “I, on the other hand, fondly recall smoking a ‘doobie’ with friends of color at a concert of some very cool bands whose names escape me at the moment, so I will fight tooth and nail to see that the family-owned Ticketmaster and the many venues they support, probably, get every last dollar they deserve.”

Venue owner and guitarist Tiana Rochester appreciates the attention the proposed bill has gotten, but fears political gridlock and mismanagement may derail it.

“We need real, substantial financial support, not a corporate bailout,” she said, scanning another email from her local senator saying that her struggling bar and stage “look really neat.” “I can’t pay bartenders and sound techs with essays from Republicans on the virtues of John Fogerty, or promises from Democrats to ‘jam out’ to my band’s record on MySpace. I’m trying to save my livelihood, and our public servants have been roped into discussing whether to pay for ‘bill insurance,’ so I’m pretty sure we’re doomed.”

A group of the nation’s promoters were reportedly slated to address Congress as well, but have stalled until they can find a local lobbyist to pay them to talk for 30 minutes first.

CBS Hires Young Aspiring Writer to Jiggle the Ethernet Cable When the WiFi Cuts Out

Posted on by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

NEW YORK — CBS Studios has reportedly hired aspiring television writer Taylor Johnson, 28, to jiggle the ethernet cable or turn off the router whenever the wifi cuts out in the building, sources confirm.

“We here at CBS take pride in the diversity of our staff,” said George Cheeks, president of CBS Entertainment Group, in a public statement. “Adding Taylor to our ranks was simply the next logical step in making sure that youthful, woke voices are heard from CBS. Those voices will still be written by our staff of mid fortysomethings on their 2010 Macbooks, but without Taylor helping to fix the ol’ world wide gobbledygook every now and then, we’d be lost!”

Johnson was eager to accept the position, joining the likes of other CBS diversity hires like Tyrone Williams, the one black guy who handles any and all cultural research, Juan Garcia, the Mexican extra in Blue Bloods, and Rhonda Adams, a middle-aged woman.

“I was hoping to hit the ground running, but the most writing I’ve done so far is an email responding to the head writer who asked me if they should buy the new iPhone,” said Johnson while crouching over fumbling to re-insert the power cord back into the office router that he had just unplugged. “Other than that, I just kinda follow the troubleshooting sections of instruction manuals and the entire office applauds. It’s just nice to feel noticed, I guess.”

At press time, Johnson was elated after being promoted to story consultant after a staff writer asked him how resetting a router works.

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Gamer Can’t Help But Hear ‘Continue?’ Every Day When Waking Up

Posted on by Chandler Dean

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local gamer Stephen McLaughlin can’t help but hear the voice of the Super Smash Bros. Melee announcer saying “Continue?” every single time he wakes up in the morning.

“I guess you could say I feel like a fallen Falco trophy, laying on its side after getting yeeted by a giant metal Yoshi, wondering if it’s even worth picking myself back up again,” McLaughlin said. “I wake up each morning, staring at the ceiling of my studio apartment, switching back and forth between the YES and NO buttons. I always pick yes, though… even if it means losing points. I guess at the end of the day I just feel like I gotta keep living life until I face my Master Hand.”

Those close to McLaughlin have expressed concern about his emotional state.

“Yeah I know why he hears ‘Continue?’ every time he wakes up. I hear it too. It’s because he fucking whispers it to himself every morning,” said McLaughlin’s boyfriend, Kris Carl. “I keep telling him to go see a therapist. Not just because mentally he’s in the same place as a goddamn Melee trophy, but I’m pretty sure he has OCD. But he’s afraid that if he treats his undiagnosed OCD, he’ll stop having the drive to practice waveshine drills for four hours a day. I keep telling him, that’s not OCD. That’s passion. That’s what makes me so attracted to him. He’s a killer on the battlefield, not to mention the final destination.”

When reached for comment, Melee voice actor Dean Harrington said that he was pleased to hear his voice had such an impact on McLaughlin.

“Is it sad that Stephen struggles to get out of bed each morning? Sure. But do I appreciate that I get to be a small part of his life in this way? Absolutely,” explained Harrington, his voice echoing through the room like an emcee at a boxing match. “Many people tell me they hear my voice in their everyday lives. Some people hear me say ‘Link!’ when they click a URL, some people hear me say ‘Go!’ every time they head to work, and most frequently, many people tell me they hear me yell ‘Multi-Man Melee!’ every time they get into a drunken fist fight with five or six guys at a bar. It is the honor of my life that I get to be a part of these people’s journeys.”

At press time, McLaughlin reportedly woke up and promptly went back to sleep after whispering to himself, “Failure.”

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Bag Stuffed Into Bag of Bags

Posted on by Caitlin Chung

GREAT FALLS, Va.— Local dad Nathan Sweeney created a bag of bag of bags, dumping multiple plastic bag-filled bags into a larger bag in an attempt to prepare for any possible situation where they may be needed, his exasperated son reports.

“You can never be too prepared,” the elder Sweeney began, seemingly intent on turning an ordinary moment into a forced teaching moment for his son. “What if something goes wrong, and suddenly you’re responsible for waterproofing your sneakers, lining a trash can, and cleaning up after the dog? And to make it worse, your wife needs to carry her lunch to the office? A simple bag of bags won’t suffice, and as a man you need to know this.”

Sweeny’s teenage son Andrew greeted the passionate message with a blank stare, quickly followed by a vague nod intended to show a feeble attempt at listening.

“I’ve heard it all before — my grandfather was an outdoorsy type guy, and now my dad turns every situation into a Bear Gryllis life-or-death sort of thing,” he explained, noting that such generational change generally leads to a decreased prevalence of dehydrated food and an uptick in unused sports equipment. “He’s never wandered outside of the suburbs, but apparently the instinct remains.”

A local wilderness preparedness expert seemed puzzled when asked for comment.

“This isn’t exactly my wheelhouse,” said survivalist Danny Pasi. “I mean, being prepared is my deal, but I usually help people with fishing trips — not clipping bags into the glove compartment door to hold old Clif Bar wrappers until you can get to a trash can. I mean, if I think about it, I can see why he did it. It’s almost like a multitool, but for storage. He’s actually doing pretty important work.”

At press time, Sweeney was seen attempting to unstick his bag of bag of bags from the zipper of a backpack.

Asian Actor Pigeonholed in Roles Portraying Occupation Parents Wanted for Him

Posted on by Steve Yuen

IRVINE, Calif. — Conflicted Asian-American actor Francis Chiu credited much of his success today to Hollywood’s typecasting of him in roles portraying doctors, scientists, and other STEM occupations his parents desperately wanted for him instead of acting, sources under extreme parental pressure confirmed.

“I honed my craft for years at NYU, and I’ve landed many juicy roles throughout my career. But for my parents, every movie or TV show I book is basically a glimpse into alternate timelines where I became the medical professional they always wanted,” said Chiu. “It’s tough enough that I’m always getting these very stereotypical Asian roles without the added difficulty of my parents asking me if the experience led me to want to pursue a ‘real job,’ which is always annoying and hurtful.”

Indeed, the failure to build a family-approved career has been met with universal scorn from Chiu’s relatives.

“Every one of us has found success by their parents’ standards — Auntie Helen’s son works in biochemistry and is the ‘model child’ who properly acknowledges and honors his mom and dad’s sacrifice. But what does Francis do? He wears greasepaint and plays make believe,” said Chiu’s cousin Dr. Maria Chiu. “How about he just pretend to pay his bills? Or couldn’t he at least be a doctor first, and then try acting on the side? Ken Jeong did it. How hard could it be?”

While Chiu insisted he is happy and fulfilled in his career, casting director Beverly Simons understands he “has a burning desire for a mold-breaking role.”

“Francis is great… he just seems to have this ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ vibe. And with the right role, he could be the next Charlie Chan,” said Simons. “The problem is, there’s so few choice roles for Asian-American actors — and when there is, it usually goes to Jimmy O. Yang, Randall Park, and for some reason, Emma Stone. Unless that asshole Simu Liu walks into an audition. Then all bets are off.”

Compounding his pressure, Chiu’s father pieced together a reel of Chiu’s best doctor scenes, and is currently shopping it to medical schools throughout Southern California.

Overheated Hardcore Guy Cuts Off Tattoo Sleeves

Posted on by Ryan Danley

VENICE, Calif. — Local hardcore guy Dan “Nukka” Reilly was rushed to the emergency room with massive blood loss yesterday after attempting to remove the skin from his heavily tattooed arms to cool down in the summer heat.

“It was a nice day, so I was practicing some roundhouse kicks down by the elementary school. But I started getting really hot… like, sweating uncontrollably,” said Reilly from his hospital bed. “I already cut the sleeves off my Death Before Dishonor shirt, but then I looked at my tattoos and realized they were technically sleeves too, so I pulled out my boot knife and started cutting.”

“I was able to get both arms off before passing out,” he added. “It was kind of like skinning a chicken leg, but I actually felt cooler right before I pretty much died.”

Reilly’s long-term on-and-off girlfriend Molly Fitzpatrick thinks the experience could have been avoided.

“I warned him it was too hot outside for his bullshit. But he gets all hyped up when he listens to Slapshot’s ‘Back on the Map,’” said Fitzpatrick. “I guess I’m glad he’s alive, but I’m going to miss a couple of his tattoos — the Fighting Irish guy, and the crossed bats were all great, but I’m not going to miss the stick and poke tattoos of every girlfriend he’s had since the 6th grade. Silver linings, I guess.”

While rare, experts note that incidents like Reilly’s have increased sharply in recent years.

“With global warming, we’re seeing punks of all kinds affected by the summer heat: from emo kids suffering from bang sweat rash, to crust punks cooking alive in dumpsters, to goth kids simply turning to ash when they set foot outside,” said Meteorological Counter Culture Director, Dr. Benjamin “Chunk” Nelson. “And as an old hardcore kid myself, I can see why you’d think that the 1/1600th inch of ink is what’s causing you to be hot. I’m just glad he survived.”

Reilly was unavailable for further comment, as he was heavily sedated to halt his daily floor punching workout.