I’m Not a Terrible Person Because I’m a Cop, I’m a Terrible Person That Became a Cop

Posted on by Ryan Danley

As a 20 year veteran of the police force, I am getting real tired of everyone bashing the shield. Somehow wearing this uniform every day makes me the bad guy. All of a sudden everyone thinks we’re all monsters because of our careers. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. I was a terrible person long before I became a cop.

People want to say that the world of law enforcement creates a bully mentality. Ha! If they think that, they should contact all the nerds I shoved to the ground and called homophobic slurs in middle school. They’ll tell you straight up I don’t need a gun or a badge to be a bully.

I read an article recently that claimed first responders are encouraged to “dissociate tragedy” to be able to do their jobs properly, and this leaves a lot of us incapable of feeling emotion in any circumstance. What a bunch of touchy-feely mumbo jumbo. Ask any of the guys from my dogfighting league how many tears I shed when something terrible happens. I’ve been fighting dogs my entire life. Not organizing dog fights, mind you. I’ve been fist fighting dogs since I was 8 and I’m not gonna stop now that I finally have a winning record.

And my favorite stereotype is that being on the force magically makes us racist. Like they taught us how to be racist at the academy. Let me make this perfectly clear: I was teaching people how to be racist at the academy. Don’t give the police that much credit when it comes to changing hearts and minds.

The police force didn’t make me racist. I’ve been profiling people of color since I learned colors. That natural instinct to be an outright bigot can’t be taught.

All these liberal ANTIFA types think they have it all figured out. They think all they have to do is reform the police and suddenly I won’t be shooting unarmed people on the street. This is more than a job to me. Being an unrelenting piece of shit is my lifestyle. I cherish the ability to oppress and brutalize without accountability. Just ask my wife, she’ll tell you.

GWAR Gets Back Wrong Penis Monster Costume from Dry Cleaners

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

RICHMOND Va. — Heavy metal legends GWAR picked up the wrong penis-clad monster costume from the dry cleaners yesterday in a mishap that may have cost the band several dollars, sources report.

“It is with a heavy heart we announce that we have misplaced Blöthar the Berserker’s famous costume. Last week, after a routine dry cleaner run to get the alien blood and cum out of our attire, we got back what appeared to be a stinky fuckin’ Godzilla costume with a rock hard erection,” stated Gwar’s manager Sleazy P. Martini. “This fuckup is gonna really end up costing us if we don’t get this fucking thing sorted out soon — my alien money makers won’t be able to perform next week at Dylan Tobias’ ZOOM Bar Mitzvah. That was our one paid gig for the month.”

Godzilla enthusiast Patrick Duong reached out to the famed alien band to try to recover his personal costume.

“I want to clarify that I, by no means, intended for this to happen. Like, trust me: do you think I wanted the world to know I have that specific Godzilla costume?” said Duong. “I am, however, extremely happy to have it back — it’s always difficult to part with something you truly love. And at the risk of coming off as a total weirdo, I will admit I missed cooking and cleaning with my beloved, dick-adorned Godzilla. It gets lonely in a mansion without someone to keep you company.”

Dennis Fowler, the owner and founder of McSteamy’s Dry Cleaning, cleared the air.

“Those two things looked identical to me. These mistakes happen often with dry cleaners, and I know I really pissed off some people, but can you blame me?” Fowler stated. “How often do you come in contact with two rubber monster costumes with genitals on them? I’m honestly confused why people can’t empathize about this. I’d understand someone getting mad over me mixing up some sweater vests, but like, this feels different.”

Soldiering on as best they can, GWAR can still be seen performing via livestream every Wednesday, while Duong can be seen performing oral on Godzilla every Tuesday on OnlyFans.

Isle Delfino Residents Guessing at Political Message Behind New Banksy Piece

Posted on by Jake Menez

ISLE DELFINO — Residents of Isle Delfino were left shocked and amazed this week as a mysterious public art installation that appeared overnight was believed by many to be the latest project by street artist Banksy.

“Normally this is a pretty quiet seasonal vacation town,” commented fruit vendor Chuck Pianta, whose stall now bears a portion of the artwork. “I can’t imagine what would bring an activist from London all the way here to do some sort of an exhibition, but it’s very cool to think about! Delfino must finally be on the map!”

The exhibition in question, a series of large graffiti marks resembling the letter M which now cover several buildings and structures across the island, has not been acknowledged yet by Banksy. The anonymous artist has yet to claim credit for the work on any social media channels. Amid the silence, residents have already drawn their own conclusions about its meaning. 

“I figured it was probably just some stupid teenagers cutting class,” one Noki Bay resident wrote via email. “But then I realized that Princess Peach had flown in yesterday, so maybe there was a political message to it all, ya know? Banksy’s art is usually a lot less subtle than an M with weird dots being painted on a statue of a war hero, so I got up close to get a better look at it. Next thing I know, I’m sucked right into the graffiti and I end up in the shipyard two towns over. Obviously, it’s a metaphor for the military industrial complex. That’s classic Banksy, no doubt about it.”

Other townsfolk seem far more critical of the graffiti’s artist and its alleged message.

“I saw the guy who did it,” outspoken island native Petey Piranha revealed in a video that had already garnered close to five thousand views. “It was some middle-aged bastard with a mustache and giant paintbrush just hanging around on the outskirts of town. I don’t give a shit if he calls himself Banksy or Yoshi or something else entirely—there’s no ‘greater meaning’ to a giant M. Guy goes around painting the alphabet all over our beautiful community and thinks he’s goddamn Michelangelo.”

At press time, a small protest had broken out in the town plaza as local authorities brought in a day laborer in a red cap and overalls to power wash the paint from the walls.

Disney Announces $50 Mushu Print-Out for Fans to Tape to Their TV While Watching Mulan

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney has announced a new $50 print-out of 1998 Mulan character Mushu available to Disney+ subscribers to scotch tape to their television while watching their new live action film Mulan.

“We want to show fans that we care about their concerns. When you say that you’re upset that the new Mulan film changes too much about the original movie, we hear you. That’s why we’re more than happy to charge you a premium to superficially make the new film more like the old,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek. “Just keep in mind that if you also print-out any speech bubbles to put up next to Mushu to make it look like he is criticizing the Chinese government, we will work with local law enforcement to have you arrested.”

Disney fans were excited about the return of a fan favorite character to the new edition of the Mulan story.

“Tears welled up in my eyes seeing my old friend Mushu standing next to live action Mulan on my TV,” said Disney fan Krista Graves. “Tears also welled up in my eyes seeing Mushu next to all the other characters too, as well as the scenery. Mushu didn’t really move, because he was just a paper print out. Also, I got distracted while cutting and accidentally snipped off one of his arms. My point is that I cried a lot.”

“A friend of mine sent me the PDF of the Mushu print-out and I freaked out and venmoed Bob Chapek $75 just to be safe. I don’t want to steal from artists, you know?” said Carlos French. “Seeing Mushu again calmed me down, though. My favorite part of watching the new Mulan is improvising my own Eddie Murphy lines throughout the film.”

At press time, Disney announced a downloadable MP3 file of the song I’ll Make a Man Out of You  that fans could rent across 48 hours for $15, but will only work if you play it on your phone and hold it close to the screen.

Grandma Still Searching for Word to Describe Thing from Irrelevant Part of Story

Posted on by Laura McCarthy

ST. LOUIS — Local Grandma Delores “Meemaw” Naggi is still trying to recall the name of “the doohickey Mr. So-and-So had” from that totally irrelevant and tangential part of the story she told earlier today, according to eyewitnesses.

“It has something to do with those thingamabobs old what’s-her-face talked about,” Naggi told an assisted living suite full of her dead-eyed great-grandchildren. “You know, the one Anne would walk around with, big-as-you’d-please, thinking she was better than us. Oh, what were those called?”

Naggi’s great-grandchildren were unable to help her in her quest, despite three hours of circuitous storytelling full of mindful pauses and self-directed questions to think things through.

“I have no idea who Anne is, but I’m pretty sure she died in 1972. I don’t know who any of these people or places are. I can’t follow anything she’s saying,” great-granddaughter Isabelle Naggi said when her Meemaw excused herself to use the restroom. “I’ve learned to dissociate from my body when she wants to talk a stream of consciousness at us so she can reminisce about the details of her life uninterrupted. I wanted to ask her about FDR for a school project, and now I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail.”

Witnesses claim Naggi subjects more than her own great-grandchildren to this behavior.

“She’ll seek out anyone within a 10-foot radius younger than 30, because they’re too polite to ask her to stop or just walk away,” said Sunrise Meadows assisted living facility’s manager Conchita Gomez. “I once saw Mrs. Naggi corner a rookie CNA for three whole shifts while she tried to remember the name of her childhood pediatrician. The CNA never came back.”

At press time, Naggi was thinking that maybe either someone named Jim, or possibly “that little blonde girl,” might know the doodad’s name you-know-who had, but she’ll have to mull it over some more.

Cannibal Corpse Launch Signature Line of Embalming Fluids

Posted on by Henrik Persson

TAMPA, Fla. — Death metal veterans Cannibal Corpse have launched a signature line of embalming fluids called “Cadaverous Conservation” in a move to supplement their income during the COVID-19 pandemic, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“We’re excited to bring our extensive knowledge about death and decomposition to the global market of funeral rites. ‘Cadaverous Conservation’ will enable fans to preserve their victims and do unspeakable things to their remains long past the carcass’ due date,” said singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher. “This embalming line isn’t just a cash grab; it’s a real passion project. We love our fans, and we hope that when they die — and let’s face it, that will happen before the age of 60 for most of them — they too will be embalmed with our line of products.”

Funeral director and longtime Cannibal Corpse fan Giles Nyquist was excited to hear the news.

“I’ve been in this game for 15 years — as a matter of fact, Cannibal Corpse was what made me want to work with human remains,” Nyquist said, draining the blood from a freshly expired human. “That probably sounds dubious, but fuck it. Whenever I’m working on a body, I’m always cranking some old school Cannibal on the bluetooth speaker. I’m hoping this endeavor is a success for them, because I’d love to see them expand to things like branded jars for storing organs, aspirators, or even sick-looking Cannibal Corpse artery tubes.”

Some fans are more skeptical, however, including Jake Morley, editor of the fanzine Corpzine.

“There’s so much else they could have done: hatchets, body bags, or even just organic cotton tote bags with a woman’s entrails printed on the side. Besides, what Cannibal fan wants to be preserved? We want to rot and bloat and pus,” Morley said. “When I go, I want to look like that dude on the cover of ‘Vile.’ Have you seen that? Screw this cute-looking corpse bullshit.”

Alongside the next Cannibal Corpse studio album, George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher is currently working on a cookbook solo project, with recipes for exhumed remains and roadkill.

Neither Person in Chat Knows How to End Conversation

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MEQUON, Wis. — Online friends and otherwise total strangers Oscar Bean and Freddie Wagner have no idea how to end a Messenger conversation they initiated with one another nearly a decade ago, polite-to-a-fault sources confirmed.

“I was in a Guided by Voices chat group, and some guy I didn’t know shared a meme that made me chuckle and we started chatting. That was seven years ago. Neither one of us knows how to stop being friendly,” said Bean. “It’s not like you can say, ‘Welp, see you later,’ and then just remain on Facebook. I thought about breaking up with him, but giving the, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech to a casual online acquaintance is a new level of cringe I don’t think I can emotionally handle.”

Wagner indirectly agreed, explaining that frequent awkward lulls have resulted in both men saying things they regret.

“I casually mentioned to Oscar that I’m getting married soon, and for some insane reason I blurted out, ‘Would you like to be my best man?’ I mean, I have five brothers. How am I supposed to tell them that this dude I’ve never met from Indiana is in charge of the bachelor party?” said Wagner. “Some people say I should just stop responding, but my staunch, midwestern upbringing won’t allow me to be that rude. The chat has been an endless string of different hand signal emojis, ‘lols,’ and hearts that keeps me up at night.”

Sociologist Dr. Shayna Grafton elaborated on the difficulties of ending modern relationships.

“There used to be a time when you simply moved to a new address or changed a phone number and ‘forgot’ to tell someone. But with the internet, you’re always on and part of the conversation. I myself had a similar experience some years ago when chatting with an individual on Friendster. If they hadn’t shut down the service, I’d probably be stuck talking to them right now,” said Grafton. “My expert advice is this: don’t talk to anyone. Ever. Experience has taught me that human interaction is simply not worth the hassle.”

Bean has since begrudgingly accepted to be the executor of Wagner’s will.

I Didn’t Cause a Massive Forest Fire That Killed Ten People Just for You To End up Non-Binary

Posted on by Steve Fiorillo

Your mother and I never thought we’d see the day that our child would sit us down and tell us that they aren’t a boy. That they don’t feel like they belong to any gender. Let’s get one thing straight, pal: we didn’t accidentally kill ten people, destroy hundreds of thousands of acres of forest, and cause mass evacuations just for you to tell us you’re “not actually a boy.”

I’m not one of these newfangled blue-haired SJWs who knows all these terms. Non-binary, genderqueer, all of that. What I do know is that we got a whole lot of people mad at us when we caused their houses to be completely burned to the ground, some with people still inside.

Your generation is honestly so selfish. “Use they/them pronouns, accept my lifestyle, do your dumb gender reveal literally anywhere but the woods.” You ask the world of us and then get mad when we burn it down!

It was supposed to be a celebration, and now you’re ruining the celebration. Just like that nutty left-wing judge who tried to throw the book at us. Do you know how much money that cost your grandfather to settle?

This isn’t what we imagined happening to our baby on that fateful day. Frankly, there’s a lot we hadn’t imagined would happen. How the hell were we supposed to know that shooting a MyPillow™ brand Gender Reveal Rocket Launcher upwards in the woods on a 105-degree day would cause a fire? We’re not scientists.

I know you’re disappointed, I’ve seen that face before. It’s the same face that the fireman had when he said that he had never seen such horrific devastation in his life and I said “hey at least it was blue smoke, am-I-right fella?” He smacked me in the face with his fire hose and said if he ever saw me again he’d shoot me on sight. Now here you are, smacking my heart with a metaphorical fire hose.

Weren’t we good parents to you? We fed you, we clothed you, we kept a roof over your head. That’s more than a lot of other parents can say. Especially the ones in a five-mile radius of that fire, they couldn’t even keep their houses upright. And then they all complained to the liberal media. But we just picked ourselves up by the bootstraps and had grandpa buy us a new, bigger house. But I guess that’s not enough for you.

Look I’ll level with you, it’s not a prejudice thing. Gay, straight, boy, girl, other, your mother and I don’t give a shit. The fact of the matter is we really stuck to our guns defending that explosion and frankly we are in too deep. If you back out of being a boy we will look like assholes!

We’ll only accept this on one condition: you let us throw a gender un-reveal party, with grey smoke. We can even use the same woods! It’s not like anything grows there anymore anyway.

Punk Wins Custody of Suicidal Tendencies, Metal Awarded Visitation Every Other Weekend

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

VENICE, Calif. — Punk rock was granted near-full custody today of seminal punk/metal band Suicidal Tendencies, with Metal receiving alternating weekends and some holidays, in a landmark ruling handed down by family court judge Roxanne Dunn.

“Judge Dunn made the right decision. When you break down the band’s history and style, they clearly have a tighter connection with Punk as a whole,” said Virgil Bailey, Punk’s attorney. “Punk has always been there for the band and provided a loving, supportive environment for them. Punk and Suicidal Tendencies look forward to putting this whole ordeal behind them, and getting on with their lives together.”

“Punk also wanted to say that they are open to future collaborations with Metal,” Bailey added, “but right now, Punk wants to spend time alone with Suicidal Tendencies before any new releases.”

Metal was vocal in its distaste for the judge’s decision.

“This is total bullshit, and you can guarantee we will appeal. Punk came to court in nice plaid pants in a freshly cut mohawk, and made my client look stupid with its long hair and ripped jeans,” said Metal’s attorney Gina Fletcher. “Punk has only used Suicidal Tendencies for their own selfish end — they claim ownership of the band to appear more hardcore then they actually are. Suicidal Tendencies is clearly rooted in thrash metal and was brought up to reflect those traditions. Where was Punk during the rough ‘Freedumb’ days? I’ll tell you where: fawning over their new love, Blink-182.”

However, Judge Dunn stands by her decision.

“I had to think about what was in the best interests of the band,” said Dunn, sporting a brand new Suicidal Tendencies hat. “While both genres have their… shall we say, shortcomings, Punk lives by a strict moral code, and proved that they are committed to the future of the band. If Metal can get its act together and successfully pass a drug test, I’d be willing to revisit this decision at a later date.”

For their part, Suicidal Tendencies doesn’t seem to care much one way or the other, admittedly biding their time until they can move out and get their own apartment with their best friend, Faith No More.

Leaked Documents Show Trump Attempted to Hire Bugs Bunny to Saw Mexico Off From North America

Posted on by Brandon Puff

WASHINGTON — Documents leaked by an anonymous whistleblower show that President Donald Trump attempted to hire Bugs Bunny for the purpose of sawing Mexico off of North America. 

“There I was, minding my own business in the gardens of the White House, taking a bird bath — I mean, a wegular bath,” explained the whistleblower, who asked to remain anonymous. “Then I taw through an open window something very intwesting. At first I tawt I taw Tonald Trump speaking with Bugs Bunny. Then I looked again and I did! I did taw Tonald Trump speaking with Bugs Bunny!”

The completely anonymous leaker continued with their recounting of events in which Donald Trump dangled a figurative carrot in front of Bugs. 

“When I taw Bugs in the oval office I flew – I mean walked – over to the window to wisten. Twump wanted Bugs to go down to Mexico and saw it off from North America so he could build a bigger and better Mexico. He offered Bugs a lifetime supply of carrots and an estate in Albuquerque. Bugs refused though because he’s good friends with Speedy Gonzalez. Twump got so mad that steam started coming out of his ears he started jumping up and down while shouting gibberish.”

After the meeting adjourned, the leaker watched as the documents detailing the plan were carried off by the wind and then landed in a paper scanner where they were accidentally uploaded onto the internet, confirming the leaker’s account. Donald Trump has denied this meeting ever took place. 

“Listen, these are lies. Plain and simple. I know Bugs, great guy, loves carrots, I would never ask him to do something so bad,” said President Trump.  “So awful. Also, this leaker, this leaker is a coward. I have a hunch as to who it might be. Right now we’re looking at Sylvester. It’s obvious frankly. Only he would stoop so low. It’s just a matter of time. We’re gonna find this leaker. Who, like I said, is probably no good Sylvester. Never trust a cat, that’s what I say to people.” 

Bugs Bunny could not be reached for comment as he is apparently on vacation while his maid, who looks an awful lot like Bugs in a wig and a dress, takes care of his home.