PlayStation 5 to Bring Back That Slot for Hiding Your Weed In

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

TOKYO — As Sony releases more updates about the highly anticipated PlayStation 5, the company surprised fans with today’s announcement that they will bring back that big empty slot from the PlayStation 2 you could stash your weed in.

“We are so excited to announce this exclusive feature,” read Sony’s press release that was issued today. “It’s the twentieth anniversary of the PlayStation 2 and we here at Sony can’t think of a better way to honor everyone’s favorite console than to reintroduce that giant compartment you could keep your bud in.”

Sony spokesperson Yumiko Takeda revealed more about the returning chasm in a press conference this morning.

“When we first engineered the hiding spot for your weed back in 2000, we didn’t go far enough,” he said. “The PS5’s weed slot is going to be an improvement in every aspect. This new console will be sealed in a way to keep your kind ass ganja staying fresh longer. Additionally, we developed an odor neutralizer so that parents can’t smell your shit, and there’s a special little slide out drawer you can put papers and roaches and stuff in. We really went all out on this.”

Many gamers rejoiced online at the news of the stashing port’s return. 

“Oh man, what a great retro feature to bring back,” said Greta Hayden, a long time PlayStation supporter.  “Such a love letter to the old school fans. Especially since the console is expected to be released just before the holidays, and every time I go to my mom and dad’s for Christmas I have no clue where to stash my weed. Not this year! Man, I really thought Microsoft might sway me over with Game Pass and the price tag on the Series S, but nope, the pot port is a total system seller.”

As of press time, Sony refused to confirm or deny the rumor that the PlayStation 5 would also function as a vaporizer.

Oh, You Like Folk Punk? Name 5 Artists While I Walk Away

Posted on by Tyler Dark

So, you consider yourself a fan of folk punk? Not just a passive listener who knows some Daniel Johnston tunes, but a real, true fan of the genre? Well, I’ll tell you what. Name five artists for me right now. While you do that, I am going to turn around and leave because folk punk is the worst.

If you aren’t some wannabe who just likes the Gogol Bordello song in Wristcutters, then I’m happy to give you the chance to rattle off five artists right now. I won’t hold my breath though. You strike me as someone who’s never even heard the Defiance, Ohio/Ghost Mice split EP, or any of Nana Grizol’s early work, which I have, and it’s all awful.

Don’t think you can fool me either because I know plenty of dedicated listeners who can name every song by Michael Jordan Touchdown Pass. Shit, I know people who remember when Human Kitten was called Elijah & The Lions. I don’t talk to those people though, because they have terrible taste in music.

You know, some people have the gall to consider a band like Against Me! folk punk, and they’ll make that claim, having never even listened to “Acoustic EP.” Posers like that couldn’t tell the difference between Days N’ Daze and Local News Legend. I can though, and they both sound terrible.

I knew it. You don’t really listen to folk punk, do you? Don’t feel bad, there are plenty of people out there who can’t sing along to Sledding With Tigers or think Ramshackle Glory is a company that makes motorcycle jackets. And I call those people friends.

Ubisoft Announces ‘Prince of Persia’ Remake in Effort to Rewind Time to Before They Fucked Up

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

MONTREUIL, France — As part of their UbiForward presentation showcasing their upcoming releases, French game developer Ubisoft announced that they’re currently working on an enhanced HD remake of their 2003 game ‘Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time’ in an effort to rewind time back to before they fucked everything up so miserably, sources confirmed.

“All of us at Ubisoft would love nothing more than to take you, and us, back to the simpler time of 2003, when Prince of Persia was the hot new gaming innovation, and Ubisoft was involved in zero scandals or political controversies,” said Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot in a pre-recorded statement playing alongside early preview footage of the game. “Relive the magic of becoming the Prince and acquiring the Dagger of Time. With the dagger, you’ll be able to undo all of your mistakes and overcome any hardship. I only hope we can do the same as a company by re-releasing this beloved game.”

Surprised fans online were skeptical about the company’s move.

“I’m a huge PoP fan, and even I’m not sure if I can look past Ubisoft’s actions to buy this,” said user ChelseaDagger76 in a thread on the Prince of Persia subreddit. “After the sexual and physical assault allegations against all of those Ubisoft executives, not to mention their problematic mis-use of Black Lives Matter imagery in a game trailer and their toxic workplace culture, the game had better at least run at a smooth 60 FPS. That doesn’t fix anything wrong they’ve done, but it’s a start.”

At press time, speculation had begun online that Ubisoft might eventually also remaster the game’s sequel, Prince of Persia: Warrior Within, if another big enough Ubisoft scandal happens.

Man Has Never Heard Last Song on Favorite Album

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local music fan Jim Castro admitted today that he has never listened to his favorite album, the 42-minute indie rock record “No Scope” by The Cheetahmen from 2008, long enough to get to the final song.

“I was looking at the album on my phone and I was like, ‘Holy shit, did they add an 11th song at some point?’ I know every lyric to the first five songs by heart — and I’ll admit, the back half I don’t know as much — but this 11th song is a shock,” Castro said. “I guess I only ever really drive places that are about 35 minutes away, and each day I take about a 30-minute lunch break. And I listen to music while running every morning, but I guess everything I’ve ever done ends before the last song starts.”

Castro’s friends, none of whom are fans of the album, were also surprised by track 11 of “No Scope.”

“Every single time we get into his car, Jim is playing the fucking Cheetahmen again,” said Castro’s friend Chrissy Letts. “I swear, I’ve heard that album one billion times — I know every single word to every song of it, and I don’t even like it. Well, I thought I knew every song… but the other day it came on randomly and some new track came on. I thought it was a secret track, but it was just right there the whole time. Apparently Jim always starts it over after 20 minutes.”

The Cheetahmen lead singer Mark Howard insisted that the song is important to the album.

“Anyone who doesn’t play our record from top to bottom every time they listen to us is a fake fan. End of story,” Howard said in a post on Reddit’s r/indieheads. “And I’m going to test you fuckers. Next time we do a live show, I’m going to say, ‘This next song’s new,’ and then I’m going to play the last track on ‘No Scope.’ If people don’t notice, they’re going on our live show ban list.”

“It’s just disrespectful,” he continued. “You don’t go around saying ‘The Sopranos’ is your favorite TV show and then skip out on the final episode. And yes, I consider our album to be ‘The Sopranos’ of 2008 indie rock.”

Castro has since downloaded a deluxe edition of “No Scope” featuring three never-released tracks at the end so that he could listen to just the first 45 seconds of the opening song while taking out the trash.

We Tried A Raw Food Diet And Learned It Is Not Supposed to Include Chicken

Posted on by Stephen Bell

As a health-conscious individual, taking care of my body is important to me. I am the head priest of the temple that is my body which means I only put the best stuff inside of it. So when I heard about this new raw food diet I thought I would give it a try. The only issue I read about was people not getting enough protein so I figured adding raw chicken was an easy solution that these veggie-heads must not have heard of. Well, apparently you’re not supposed to do that as I am currently in the middle of an all-night vomit party.

How was I supposed to know that failure to cook chicken would result in serious food poisoning?! Other animals eat raw meat all the time and they don’t get sick. Do you think lions are cooking zebras before devouring them? Hell, I even saw a mandrill at the zoo once eating a random bird it caught. Our DNA isn’t that far off from mandrills, so why can’t I also eat raw birds?

Part of my motivation to start this diet stemmed from a desire to lose weight. When you look at the nutritional profile of chicken it seems like the perfect food for this diet. Low fat, no carbs, and high in protein. How could it go so wrong? Technically, I did lose weight on this diet. However, it’s all because of how violently I have been vomiting and shitting. It’s like if bulimia and dysentery had a baby and created a super disease called, “bulysentery.” Now I’m no doctor, so I’d only recommend it if you have to lose weight really, really fast.

Now you might be saying to yourself, “dude, how have you never heard of salmonella?” In my defense, I was pretty sure that salmonella was just something my mother made up to keep me from eating raw cookie dough as a child.

As painful as this has been it’s still going better than the time I tried to go vegan.

Divorced Dad Glad He Bombed Custody Hearing Now That Schools Are Closed

Posted on by Billy Patterson

HERSHEY, Pa. — Divorced father of three Scott Timmons is happy he botched his custody hearing, now that his children no longer attend in-person schooling, grateful sources confirmed.

“My god-awful performance in that courtroom that morning was a blessing in disguise,” said Timmons, whose request for joint custody was denied in a matter of minutes. “If I’d shown up to the hearing on time, or done any preparation whatsoever, I’d be stuck at home right now helping three screaming kids log into virtual classrooms. Instead of re-watching ‘The Wire’ and learning ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ on guitar, I’d have to spend quarantine babysitting those rowdy brats while they hog all my WiFi. I didn’t realize at the time, but that judge did me a huge favor when she said I was unfit to parent and couldn’t be trusted in an unsupervised scenario.”

Timmons’ ex-wife Linda Yeargin, on the other hand, expressed regret over her aggressive legal strategy in the divorce.

“Sole custody? What was I thinking?” said Yeargin. “If I knew this was coming, I definitely would’ve taken Scott back. There’s no way our loveless marriage could be worse than this. I’m helping the kids with math, cooking lunch, cleaning up after them, and working remotely all day, while he’s posting photos of his new homebrewing setup. That’s bullshit. He forgets to hire a lawyer, and now he gets to be the one with a quiet apartment and a stupid hobby?”

Edgar Ramirez, a family law specialist at Herskovitz McCloskey & Brown, noted that the move to online learning has impacted custody battles across the nation.

“Many parents who would normally want to win sole guardianship of their children are now doing everything they can to avoid becoming full-time caretakers,” Ramirez explained. “Some clients are tanking their cases on purpose, and others are appealing court rulings that they’ve already won. In a few rare cases, couples are jointly forfeiting their parental rights and asking the court to place their children in a state-run facility, at least until around this time next year.”

At press time, Timmons had slept well past 10 a.m., thanks to his total inability to care for the couple’s 8-month-old puppy as well.

4chan Users Create Petition for Marvel to Cast the First White Black Panther

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

NEW YORK —  Wasting no time following the untimely death of Chadwick Boseman to make the tragedy about themselves, frequent users of the controversial and often racist message board 4chan created a new petition this week in hopes of pressuring Marvel to cast a Caucasian actor to play the role of Black Panther, confused fans confirmed.

“Chadwick Boseman did a fine job the first time around, but these bozos at Marvel have always tried to blackwash the undeniable legacy and influence of white people in Africa,” said one signatory who signed with the first and last name WhitePower Trump2020. “Representation matters, and we simply haven’t seen enough white faces in the Black Panther franchise other than the occasional evil mastermind and their henchmen. We think it’s time for the part of King T’Challa to be handed to a nice white actor like Channing Tatum that my daughter could actually bring home to the family. Oh, and if they don’t then I’ll bring a gun to the movie theater. That’s a promise.”

While the petition is gaining momentum on 4chan, longtime Black Panther fans and other communities online have quickly and correctly recognized the “White Black Panther” movement as simply a bastardized form of tit-for-tat political correctness that should make zero sense to anyone with half a brain.

“I saw the petition making the rounds on Facebook and I was shocked to see how many people were actually signing it. Lots of my white friends seemed excited about the thought of Timothée Chalamet leading a fictional afrofuturist nation,” said author and racial justice activist Sydnee Clay. “Whenever I tried to point out that none of it made any sense, they just called me a ‘reverse racist’ and then told me they were going to burn my house down. When I reported the comments to a Facebook moderator they just told me to ‘deal with it.’”

Despite some pushback from purists, Marvel executives seemed surprisingly open to the idea.

“We saw the petition and thought the people made some pretty valid points. Africa is a very diverse country and has produced a lot of amazing talented white people like Charlize Theron, Dave Matthews, and that one guy with no legs that shot his girlfriend,” said Marvel development coordinator Eddy Fitzpatrick. “If we only cast Black actors to play the most important roles in Black Panther, then what message does that send to all the young white children still indirectly benefitting from the slave trade?”

At press time, 4chan users had reportedly doubled down and were threatening to boycott all Marvel properties unless Captain America firmly endorsed Donald Trump.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Hello commenters and commentees! Doing this column every week, I’ve grown to enjoy reading through everyone’s comments and seeing the enthusiasm that you all bring to our community here on the internet. That being said, comments are not always people showering you with praise and affection (I was surprised to learn!). 

That’s what I found this week when Hard Drive had the audacity go after the most vulnerable group on the internet: successful male YouTubers, such as Nick Robinson.

5. Gamer Disgusted to Discover They Just Watched Nick Robinson Video

Hard Drive was posted to the notorious GamerGate sub r/KotakuInAction and boy were they upset about it. But wait… make sure you stop watching Nick Robinson’s videos, Sodiummuffin, because it seems he “falsely” smeared himself by confirming the allegations. Also, I can confirm that we at Hard Drive do not support any kind of GamerGate, and we instead propose a GamerFence, with exciting features like “no exit” with which we can trap GamerGaters so they never bother innocent people again.

4. Opinion: Pikmin 3 Deluxe Re-Release Comes Just in Time to Teach Children the Value of Mass Sacrifice

I have a lot of theories about the future. For example, I’m confident that track and field is going to become the most important extracurricular activity of the next generation, because it will ensure your child is fast enough to not be left alone on Mars’ surface at the end of the work day. If you can do anything to increase their tolerance to being electrocuted, too, that would ensure them excellent job security — for multiple reasons.

3. Boyfriend Can’t Find the Crit

“Adventuring couple seeking (metaphorical) unicorn to find the most elusive treasure of all- the female orgasm. Supports to the front. If you are in our adventuring guild, mind your own business.”

2. God Admits It’s Kinda Gay to Create Dudes

First of all, there’s nothing I love than seeing gamers work together. It’s beautiful to see what happens when we turn our guns and Fortnite blueprints away from each other and instead work towards a common goal. It brings a tear to my eye. Second of all, I would like to point out the validity of the statement these gamers constructed. You may laugh, but new research shows that 100% of gay people do in fact exist. Science, huh?  I know that it’s scary for many gamers to confront, but the sooner we rip off that bandage the better. 

1. The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week (9/4/2020)

Sean, I saw the bribe that you sent me and I do appreciate it, but a $10 GameStop gift card is just not enough to change the format of the article. By the time I put on a mask and get to the store, they’ll be filing for bankruptcy.

Thank you so much everyone for your comments this week, everybody. I’m honored to collect them, so that 30 years in the future you can buy your children a Coil subscription and show them that you used to be cool. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

 

We Sat Down With Steve Albini and He Spent the Whole Interview Criticizing Our Microphone Placement

Posted on by John Bukovac

When the opportunity arose to speak with producer, engineer, and musician Steve Albini, we spared no expense making sure our questions were up to par with the legend himself. As diehard Steve Albini fans, known as “Albini-Babies,” we took extra time and care into our questions. We’re talking Nardwuar levels, here. Too bad we couldn’t get to any of those questions because cranky-ass old man Steve kept barking at us for placing the microphones wrong even though it’s only an interview. Jesus fucking Christ.

The Hard Times: Hi Steve! Sorry. Hello Mr. Albini. We’re huge fans. First, we want to thank you so much for taking the time to chat with us.

Steve Albini: Yeah, no problem. Hey, are you gonna keep that mic there?

Uh, I mean, I guess we don’t have to. Maybe we can put it over by the wall? You tell us, you’re the expert. Haha!

No, what the fuck are you doing? Are you some kind of idiot? An SM57 by the wall? Do you want it to sound like mud?

Uh, it… umm. How about here?

Why the fuck are you putting it there? How are you gonna make the kick drum sound like someone slapping a raw ham if you put it up so high?

Kick drum? There’s no ki-

Jesus, you fuckin’ goon. Give it to me. Give me the fucking microphone.

I don’t know if I can give it to you. I think I’m supposed to keep it so I can-

Look, I’m running this fucking session. Let me show you how to do it.

Pretty sure we booked this interview.

I can change your fuckin’ diaper when I’m done getting this snare to ring like a microwave at 2 AM! Now gimme that damn microphone!

We lost the rest of the interview because he made us sit 8 feet away from the mic and shout everything. After all that, he put our vocals so low in the mix that it’s barely audible over the electric mandolin.

That said, the audio of the interview got a 7.6 on Pitchfork and now we have a record deal with Sub Pop. Thanks, Steve!

5’3″ Goth 6’2″ in Shoes

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local single Tomas Hart was stunned to learn yesterday that Marianne Shaw, a goth woman with whom he’s shared three dates, stood barely over five feet tall when she removed her boots with massive platforms.

“I don’t mind that she’s only 5’3”. I’m closer to Danzig in height than I am to Peter Steele, so I’m not looking for someone who towers over me,” Hart said while examining the gigantic, buckled boot. “It’s just that I feel lied to. Her Tinder profile said she was over 6’, and when we met, she was. I didn’t think to look at her shoes to see if they added 11 fucking inches. I was probably too distracted by the neon gas mask she was wearing when she entered the restaurant.”

Shaw, however, doesn’t feel that she deceived Hart at all.

“I am goth, and therefore my outfit is an extension of who I am. I consider my boots to be as much of a part of me as my naturally black lips,” Shaw said while cinching up her leather bustier. “I also believe the black wings tattooed on my back give me the gift of flight. I need a man who will take me for who I am — all of me, not just the fishnets and choker. I feel like his insecurities are really showing. I didn’t once mention that I knew his canine teeth were capped to look like fangs, but I guess he’s O.K. with that double standard.”

For their part, goth shoemaker SuccuBoots is proud of their work and stands by it.

“Boot technology has grown leaps and bounds since the Bauhaus days,” said SuccuBoots cobbler Elizabeth Ortega. “New laboratory-produced materials make for stronger instructional integrity, allowing boot soles to be measured in feet, not inches. Creative lacing and coloration also creates an optical illusion to hide the true height of the shoe. In 10 years time, you’ll have no idea where the shoe ends and the goth begins.”

Sadly, Shaw broke things off with Hart this morning after falling for a goth man who stands over 7’ tall with his top hat on.

Photo by Ryan Danley.