We Visited Facebook Jail and Found a Bunch of Malnourished Uncles in Cages

Posted on by Dan Rice

Like many of you, we here at The Hard Times got sick and tired of hearing our racist loser uncles complain about being in Facebook jail. With sentences ranging from 24 hours to two weeks, and with our uncles posting pseudo-death-threats/calling #blacklivesmatter a terrorist organization, the punishment seemed if anything to be too light. We decided to pop in and visit Facebook jail just to see what all the fuss was about.

What we saw will haunt us for the rest of our natural lives.

Tattered “Infowars” bumper stickers on the walls. Oakley mirrored wraparounds with cracked lenses hanging on bitter, canceled faces. Un-koozied Miller High Lifes baking on the dirt floor. These are but a few of the harrowing images that assault you when first entering Facebook’s detainment facility.

Within minutes droves of lifers were rattling the chain links, desperately hounding us for news from the outside world. “What did Rogan say last week?” “Is Jordan Peterson Okay?” “Did they finish building the wall?” One inmate burst into tears right in front of us, shamefully confessing that he was beginning to forget details of Tucker Carlson’s face.

“This is a modern-day Auschwitz!“ Shouted an anonymous uncle somewhere in the sea of cages. He then shouted a bunch of stuff about how the real Auschwitz never actually happened.

“It was a joke! Shouted another. “It was funny because I DON’T think Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should be publicly humiliated and executed!”

Many of the racist uncles we saw appeared underfed, and it’s no surprise why; The nearest Dunkin Donuts is 26 miles away and it’s in a gas station. Even if someone was making a run every morning there is no way they were getting enough bacon egg and cheese croissantwiches and iced coffee vanilla light and sweets to meet the nutritional needs of these moronic racists.

It doesn’t stop at detainment either. During processing, Uncles are separated from their drinking buddies. To date, Facebook has lost track of nearly 1500 drinking buddies.

Not only were these right-wingers filthy and malnourished, but many were also in need of medical attention. We witnessed an uncle keeled over on the ground going through Alpha Brain withdrawal, struggling to remember why Kyle Rittenhouse was a hero like some weird racist “Flowers For Algernon.”

This is the human cost of online community standards. Is it worth it? After talking to a bunch of Facebook banned uncles for 20 minutes all we can say is, emphatically yes.

Frontman Quickly Closes Rhymezone Tab When Friend Walks Into Room

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Clint Herrera, the songwriter and lead singer for local punk band Dios Muerte, frantically tried to close a Rhymezone browser tab yesterday when his friend and bandmate walked into the living room unannounced, slightly embarrassed sources report.

“I walked into the room, and he clicked like crazy and then just slammed the screen closed. It was so obvious — I knew what he was doing. I even caught that he was trying to find a rhyme for the word ‘Capitalism,’” said drummer Elijah Murray, struggling not to laugh. “I mean, we all do it; he has nothing to be embarrassed about. That isn’t to say I’m not going to raz him about it — he got super uncomfortable when I asked him where he came up with the term ‘Capitol Prison.’ But for sure, I’m going to clear my throat or something before walking in the room from now on.”

Herrera refuses to admit that he was attempting to use the internet to find a rhyme for his lyrics.

“I don’t use a rhyming dictionary or any other aid to write my songs,” Herrera said, closing his lyrics journal. “I was just, you know… checking to see if someone used that line already. I don’t want to be accused of stealing. I don’t need those sites to help me be creative.”

“I was actually trying to go to the MimeZone,” he added, “because it has hardcore pornograhy involving mimes, and that’s my fetish.”

Psychologist Penny Underwood, Ph.D. believes that as a culture, we have to start normalizing this behavior.

“We start experimenting with songwriting and poetry as soon as we enter puberty, and we need to teach our children that there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Underwood said, showing that she herself has bookmarked Rhymezone and Thesaurus.com on her own computer. “To assume that our brains can just come up with the perfect word or turn of phrase in the spur of the moment is unhealthy and dangerous. Exploration of the English language should be encouraged at a young age.”

Herrera has since started hanging a bandana on the doorknob if he was in his bedroom being creative.

Contrarian Having Great 2020

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

PHOENIX — Despite his entire social circle being overcome with anxiety, dread, and financial instability for most of the calendar year thus far, unwavering contrarian Davey Garrett predictably reported that he was having a superb 2020. 

“Actually, this year isn’t as bad as everyone says it is, there are a ton of great things to be happy about,” Garrett said, citing some news reports you probably haven’t even heard of. “For example, did you know that since so many people have been working from home, that we’re actually making a much smaller impact on the environment? So when you think about it, this year is just horribly misunderstood, and actually deserves a lot of credit. Like the last season of The Office, which most people don’t realize is the best one.”

Several sources within Garrett’s social circle confirmed that his most distinct personality trait is his consistent disagreement with generally accepted viewpoints, both within the group and society as a whole. 

“It never stops,” said Katy Langley, a friend of Garrett’s. “The other night we were just having a friendly chat about DC movies versus Marvel movies, just bullshitting, and he comes in out of nowhere and says that he actually prefers the films adapted from Image comics. Then he started talking about the cinematography in Tank Girl and I just muted the chat for a while. I know how he gets.” 

In addition to his opinions on the world at large, Garrett was reportedly having an exceptional year on a personal level as well. 

“Yeah things are going really great for me this year,” said the smug asshole. “The amusement park my dad owns opened back up, so in addition to height requirements and cutting in line, I can bust people for masks and social distancing now too. Making sure nobody enjoys anything too much is a real passion of mine, and it’s great to get back to work.”

“The mask thing is total bullshit, though,” he added. 

As of press time, Garrett was seen scolding some people he heard raving about the recently released Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2, telling them that Kelly Slater’s Pro Surfer was the superior title.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Microsoft Announces Xbox All Access Will Now Include a PS5

Posted on by Andy Holt

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft announced that the new Xbox All Access monthly subscription would include an Xbox Series X console, EA Play, Game Pass, Xbox Live and also a PS5.

“The message we wanted to send with Xbox All Access is that we will stop at nothing to get every single human being on Earth to sign up for Game Pass. We heard some people might not do it because they prefer the PS5, so we decided to just buy them one,” said Phil Spencer, VP of Gaming at Microsoft. “Will you sign up for Game Pass now? We want it so bad.”

Analysts were impressed with the move, calling it a major victory in the console wars.

“It’s an unconventional move, buying millions of consoles from your competitor and essentially handing them out for nothing,” said Gale Finch, Professor of Economics at Wharton. “But since the sole operating principle of Microsoft is to make Game Pass such a good deal that you feel guilty for not signing up, it’s smart actually.”

Sony stans were outraged at the news.

“I don’t care what it comes with, I would never buy an Xbox. It’s shitty and a total ripoff, and doesn’t even have the good games. No way. I love paying more money for less stuff,” said local gamer Tess Robbins. “It’s what real gamers do.”

Microsoft will also sell the PS5 as a standalone. They would not reveal the price, but they did confirm it would be less than whatever Sony ends up charging.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fistfight Weirdly Quiet

Posted on by Krissy Howard

PENSACOLA, Fla. — A fistfight moments ago between local punks Deandra Ybarra and Carrie Wilks was described by all watching as “unexpectedly quiet and weird,” according to sources still in awe of how that actually happened.

“I got super pumped when Dee pushed Carrie, and I knew some shit was gonna go down… but I realized pretty quickly that I hadn’t actually seen a fight in real life, and that real fights are way less cool than the ones in movies and on ‘Maury,’” said eyewitness Molly Sisson. “No one had any great one-liners about kicking ass, but I think I heard Dee say, ‘go’ or ‘God’ or something… but it could’ve just been a grunt. I don’t know. Carrie got a few good shots in, but there was like, a bizarre stillness in the air that was very unsettling. It was like, extra human or something.”

Bystanders weren’t the only ones put off by the deafening silence of the scrap.

“I sort of thought my first fight would be more exciting, but it was mostly just a ton of breathing. I guess I assumed punching sounded more cool, but my mom dropped some raw chicken on the ground once and it kinda sounded more like that,“ Ybarra recalled. “I’m not sure how long it lasted, but it felt like it could have been anywhere from 10 seconds to 30 minutes, I really can’t be sure. Either way, it was definitely the most intimate thing I’ve ever experienced, and I really hated it so much.”

Self defense expert Donte Woodward confirmed that the reality of fights often leaves everyone involved sorely disappointed.

“Many people think that getting into fights involves physically impossible yet very cool-looking moves supplemented by 15-second clips of aggressive music, and while some fights can be violent, many are decidedly cringe-inducing, at best,” Woodward explained. “Real-life fights more often include awkward grabbing, slipping, guttural whimpering, and what may quite possibly be the most awkward eye contact any person may ever be subjected to.”

“It’s especially sad when you don’t have a crowd willing to yell the action on,” added Woodward. “Teenagers will typically whoop and yell, while adults will sit back quietly and hope nobody hits their head on the pavement.”

At press time, both Ybarra and Wilks were explaining to their respective friend groups how brutally they just kicked the other’s ass, assuring everyone that they “wished you could have seen it.”

Manowar Member on Date Looks Nothing Like His Album Cover Pic

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

AUBURN, N.Y. — Local woman Courtney Richmond was disappointed yesterday to discover her date, Manowar bass player Joey DeMaio, looked nothing like his album cover pic.

“For a guy screaming ‘Death to False Metal,’ he sure had no problem using misleading pics,” Richmond reported. “Look, the guy’s in good shape for his age, but I was promised bulging muscles, swollen pecs, ripped abs — you know, like those ones where the veins are about to freakishly burst because they’re taking too much steroids? That’s the kind of man I was promised. This had to be an old album cover; his jet black hair is looking a little grey these days.”

DeMaio admitted the photos might not be completely accurate, but stood by his choices.

“I mean, we haven’t released an album since 2014, but that photo is a great representation of who I am,” DeMaio said. “Sure, the particular photo she saw of me wielding the lightning conjuring hammer and yanking those rib cages out of soldiers in battle are a bit dated. But just the other day, I was standing shirtless on top of a mountain holding a sword, and I never felt better. I think she’s the one being shallow.”

Administrators for Turbo Lovers, the dating site that facilitated their meeting, noted that this is a very common occurrence.

“We here at Turbo Lovers, the web’s premiere site for single shredders, apologize for any problems that may have occurred through our product,” said the dating site’s PR representative Derek Willow. “While we cannot force any of our users to upload their most recent photos, we have had multiple complaints regarding Mr. DeMaio — for one, a quick scan of his pictures showed his pet eagle with a six pack, which doesn’t seem possible. Plus, he used other tricks, like using group photos so you can’t tell which one he is. We will be suspending his account, just like we did with that guy from Molly Hatchet.”

Richmond and DeMaio still tried hooking up, but were unable to due to a metal spiked codpiece protecting DeMaio’s crotch.

Facebook Algorithm Keeps Recommending Anti-Vaxxer Groups to People Who Have Already Died

Posted on by James Knapp

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook officials discovered a glitch in the platform’s algorithm last week, in which anti-vaccination propaganda pages are being recommended to the accounts of users who had already died horribly and pointlessly from entirely preventable diseases.

“We designed the algorithm to connect users with likeminded people, and to help foster a sense of community. It’s just kind of an unintended side effect that one of them is a community of corpses,” explained coder Paul Stockton. “We do delete user profiles after a certain period of inactivity, but by that point they’ve usually been added to, on average, 30 to 40 groups that just reshare the same memes about mercury and that one discredited study about autism. I admit it’s unfortunate, but at least it shows the algorithm is working.”

Facebook user and anti-vax “truther” Joan Goodspeed praised several recommended groups which she claims “really opened [her] eyes.”

“I can’t believe what a mindless sheep I was before, blindly listening to what all those corrupt doctors and smug scientists advised,” said a pallid and emaciated Goodspeed in between bouts of coughing up blood onto a soiled pillowcase. “Without open-minded groups like ‘The Big Pharma Fighters’ and ‘No Needle, No Problem,’ I would never have known that you can prevent virtually any illness with a daily routine of two tabs of consolidated squid ink and a bone meal enema.”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg gave his perspective on the post-mortem activity on the platform.

“People use Facebook so that they can feel close to others around the world — whether that be close family, old friends, or just a bunch of nutballs who believe that protecting their children against easily preventable diseases is somehow a deep state conspiracy,” he said. “I personally believe it would be irresponsible to censor these groups or alter our algorithm in any way.”

“Plus, we still get the ad revenue for as long as those accounts stay active,” added Zuckerburg.

Facebook’s algorithm was also found to disproportionally recommend holocaust denial pages to users incarcerated for assault and battery.

Correct Me If I’m Wrong, but I’m Not and I Take Criticism Poorly

Posted on by Caitlin Chung

Unlike liberals, I firmly believe in the lost art of discussion and the sanctity of fact. This is more than just a line I say when snowflakes are saying something overly emotional or a little too based in logic, but also a rigorous standard to which I hold myself. For that reason, I would be more than happy to accept criticism and shift my point of view should I ever be wrong. But I’m not so fuck you.

I’ll usually start the debate with a carefully-crafted concession: “Correct me if I’m wrong,” said the patriot spider to the communist fly, “but I don’t think it’s right to support mandatory abortions for all.” And ya know what? They never correct me. I don’t think so, anyway. By that point, I’ve already pulled my gun and started yelling defensive threats.

Frankly, I’m insulted by the slanderous insinuation that I might be incorrect about anything. If you think I’m wrong, you’re clearly brainwashed by a so-called consensus of noted experts. This fallacy is known as an “appeal to authority” and, as the former interim president of the Yale Debate Association, I would know.

I’m a tireless advocate for spirited discussion even when I vehemently disagree with my opponent. However, some people have even gone as far as to call me “violently defensive when confronted with conflicting evidence,” but this could not be further from the truth and I’ll murder your family for suggesting otherwise.

So if you have legitimate and logical corrections, please provide them to me. Just know my patience for debating overly rigid, self-righteous, and pretentious pseudointellectuals is running thin.

Man with Screeching Weasel Tattoo Really Going Out of the Way to Explain Himself

Posted on by Kevin Tit

LORTON, Va. — Local man Devin Caulfield is now in his 11th year of attempting to explain his Screeching Weasel tattoo despite never having been prompted to do so, multiple strangers confirm.

“I just want to make it clear that I got this tattoo back in 2009, before… it happened,” explained the 35-year-old real estate agent. “March 18, 2011. SXSW. That day is my goddamn 9/11 — Ben Weasel punching that woman changed everything. I used to be proud of this massive weasel on my arm; I used to feel a sense of pride when telling strangers that it wasn’t a character from Roger Rabbit, but the logo of a band whose music changed my life forever. Now, I feel the overwhelming need to assure people that I do not condone punching women in Texas… or punching women anywhere, really. Don’t punch women. That’s a shitty thing to do.”

Punks closest to Caulfield say the guilt is so deep-seeded, it’s almost cost him his life.

“I think he feels worse about what happened than the guy who actually threw the punch,” said local punk Julliette Rodriguez. “I mean, he goes through extreme lengths to cover that thing up. I once saw him wearing a leather jacket in a crowded basement show in July — it must have been well over 100 degrees down there and he was drenched in sweat, but he’d keep insisting it wasn’t ‘that hot.’ He passed out from heat stroke, and was mortified after regaining consciousness and seeing that his jacket had been removed.”

Despite several offers from local tattoo artists to cover up the tattoo, the piece clearly remains on Caulfield’s body.

“I just don’t know what I’d cover it up with. I don’t want to black out the area, because what if people think I’m trying to hide a swastika or something?” Caulfield said. “I do feel weird when guys I don’t know compliment this thing, though. I start wondering why they would — are they cool with what Ben did? Or just people who like cartoon ferrets? I just feel like I can’t trust ‘em. This whole thing has really fucked my life up.”

“I’m just really glad I talked myself out of getting that The Queers tattoo on my neck,” he added.

Powerful, Strategic Deck Decimated by Opponent’s ‘Have a Lot of Monsters’ Strategy

Posted on by Ben Collins

NASHVILLE — A weekly Magic: The Gathering tournament at local shop Boards & Swords featured a shocking first round upset, as a carefully crafted deck was no match for a deck that just had a ton of monsters in it. 

“I don’t know what happened, I’ve spent months on this thing,” said Jake Shell, following two swift defeats to relative newcomer Henry Campbell’s deck that had a bunch of creatures in it. “I thought I finally had the perfect blend of spells and high volume enchantments that could tear any sensible deck apart. I even posted it on a few forums and everyone agreed that it was a sound deck that would probably win and would almost certainly be no fun to play!”

The carefully constructed and workshopped deck fell short of expectations in its debut was destroyed by Campbell’s collection of creatures chosen because they “look cool.”

“Oh, I just like the art for the goblin cards the best so I picked a bunch of those,” said Campbell, who has been playing the game casually with some friends for the last few weeks. “I looked through my buddy Jason’s cards on the way here and put a few more in that seemed neat and were all the same color. Seems to have worked okay. Is that guy that freaked out okay, by the way?”

Those watching the one sided victory marveled at Campbell’s expert deck construction and strategy.

“It was incredible,” said Mizzy Lozano, a regular at the weekly contest. “No matter what convoluted combo Jake was trying to set up, that Henry kid would just play a creature or two and then he would attack with them and do damage and then he won. It was masterful, I still can’t believe what I just saw.”

Campbell went on to win the tournament, his second time in as many weeks, after dethroning longtime champion Shelly Langley’s Ramp deck last week with a counter spell deck he didn’t fully understand.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: