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HIGHER REALM — Overcome with wrath and scorn, the ruler of the universe has reportedly taken the next step toward utterly destroying everything Tumblr loves.
“Those mortals thought banning porn would be the worst of it. But no,” said the all-powerful deity, unfurling a list of every last thing the website holds dear. “I’m just getting started.”
Most recently, God ruined the Tumblr Potterhead community by giving J.K. Rowling a creeping, myopic obsession with making life harder for trans people.
”A lot of the fanfic on there was actually pretty good — I once read a gender fluid comic about Cedric that blew me away. But when it comes to Tumblr, I have no mercy,” said God, crossing Harry Potter off the list. “If I’m going to smite a place, I do it all the way.”
Other entries on the list included bad puns, blurry screenshots of tweets, and Courier New, a typewriter-style web font used to post funny transcripts on Tumblr.
“I haven’t decided how I’m going to take care of the Courier thing. Maybe it’ll be something about the guy who invented it, maybe he’ll defend age gaps or something,” said the ultimate embodiment of truth and power, far beyond any human definition. “Or maybe I’ll just make it the official font of the Proud Boys. Speaking of which, fuck those guys.”
When pressed about why Twitter and Facebook weren’t destroyed first, the Lord revealed that both sites were laid to ruin years ago, with their hideous remains left as a warning to others.
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LONDON — Best-selling author JK Rowling announced today that her new novel Troubled Blood will be published anonymously, written entirely in a greentext story on 4chan.
“It’s exciting to be publishing anonymously. I’ve used pen names before, but this is different,” Rowling said in a tweet. “And this community here at 4chan is really cool! So many people on this site agree with me on so much. I had no idea there were so many feminists on 4chan!”
“The cancel-culture Twitter mob only reinforce their own opinions,” Rowling clarified to a confused fan. “You have to get outside perspective, like from private Facebook groups or websites where anyone can say anything without consequence. Besides, saying that ‘women don’t belong on 4chan’ is anti-feminist. Women should be allowed to go where they want unless I’ve decided otherwise.”
Rowling has faced some skepticism for her gender-critical viewpoints, calling into question what a self-proclaimed feminist might be doing on a website like 4chan.
“Jesus Christ, what will Joanne get up to next?” said ex-fan Linsday. “Harry Potter was mostly recycled stuff from The Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings. The Robert Gilbraith stuff is generic thriller schlock. She’s not even original in her shit opinions, she just says the same transphobic nonsense everyone else does. It makes complete sense that she’s a generic 4chan shithead now. Hey, maybe if I just copy and paste my old tweets dunking on her, she’ll think I’m being original and imaginative.”
At press time, Rowling suddenly announced that many of the goblins in the Harry Potter universe were actually not goblins at all, but a rare species of frog called Pepes.
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LONDON — Transgressive writer J.K Rowling has astonished audiences with her new book Troubled Blood, featuring herself as the story’s unreliable author.
“It’s a fascinating work,” said literary analyst Rey Holden. “We’ve seen works where the author intentionally crafts an insidious character who deceives to the audience — for Rowling to take on the role of the delusional liar is entirely new.”
Troubled Blood features a cis-man dressing up as a woman as a means to perform gruesome murders, a premise told from the perspective of a paranoid and out of touch woman who thinks marginalized groups are out to kill her.
Many critics have come out to say the work is transphobic and unrealistic, to which Rowling has responded by saying that she prefers the term “trans-speculative”.
“This is what makes Rowling such a compelling character,” said Holden. “Instead of making criticisms about trans people based on anything in reality, she just writes an entirely fictional story about what she thinks could happen in order to justify her transphobia and double down. It’s a whole new type of fiction.”
To lay the groundwork for this narrative, Rowling spent over a year spreading misinformation about transgender people on social media for free, before attempting to sell it as a hardcover novel.
“All the retcons make sense now, honestly,” said a Harry Potter fan who wished to remain anonymous. “That’s just Rowling’s unique style — that is, blatantly lying to her fanbase.”
To capitalize on Troubled Blood trending, Rowling announced on Twitter it’s sequel: What Muslims Do When You Aren’t Looking.
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LONDON — Harry Potter author JK Rowling has announced that her next novel, about a cisgender man who dresses as a woman in order to murder them, will move away from high fantasy and will instead be her first edition in the personal fantasy genre.
“I spent a lot of time working with existing fantasy tropes in Harry Potter, but I wanted my next fiction novel to be a concept that was entirely of my own creation,” Rowling explained. “The idea of a cis man pretending to be a transgender woman in order to attack cis women has been a personal fantasy of mine for years. As a writer, I think if there’s an idea that has been rattling around in your mind for so many years, that means it’s probably a good one to expand into something larger. This idea has definitely been in my head for a long time.”
Rowling’s fans quickly weighed in on social media once the new book was announced.
“I think it’s really cool that Rowling is expanding the type of novel she writes,” said fan Carly Johnson. “A lot of people teased her for being a bit too precious with her characters — like that famous meme of her and George RR Martin — so I like that this next book is a true crime novel. And in perfect true crime fashion, her newest book actually opens with a murder: her own career.”
At press time, IT Crowd creator Graham Linehan announced he would be adapting the novel into a sprawling fantasy television series, despite multiple networks’ insistence that this is not true.
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A few months ago we started hearing rumors that because of COVID-19, the Drive-in was making a comeback. We had absolutely no idea what the coronavirus had to do with At The Drive-In touring again, but we were excited nonetheless! Hell, if a global pandemic makes one of the most influential bands of the very early ‘00s get back together, let’s have one every year!
Unfortunately, the gang seems to have lost a big step over the years. It’s not that we were expecting them to have the same level of energy they had nearly 20 years ago. No one thought they were about to see Cedric jumping around the stage like an acrobat on meth again or anything like that. But frankly, the performance we saw did not meet even our lowest expectations. No acrobatics, no music, no original members, and no band at all for that matter. It was literally just a screening of City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.
Maybe we caught them on a bad night? Maybe they were supposed to play in front of the movie and they just got tired? I’ve seen bands do that, I guess. I’m pretty sure it was Omar Rodríguez-López behind the projector at least. Whoever it was, dude was flawless.
Honestly, I wanted to enjoy the show, but having the band not actually perform or appear on stage or be anywhere anyone could actually see them was too big of a hurdle. At least it was cheap. They charged by the carload for some reason, but still, barely worth it.
And they didn’t even pick a good movie! Hell, they didn’t even pick the best City Slicker’s movie! Jack Palance’s character had a secret twin brother the whole time that he never mentioned in the first film? Get fucking real.
It was almost as bad as going to see Sparta.
BEND, Ore. — Armed MAGA patriot Kenneth Carter spent several days last week tracking a man over several miles in what Carter claims was self defense, exasperated sources confirmed.
“Something didn’t feel right,” said Carter, his finger never leaving the trigger of his AR-15. “I’ve had several years of training with the Large Sons of Freedom militia, and I tactically ascertained that my well-being was either currently or eventually going to be in danger. My attempts to alert local law enforcement were unsuccessful, however, as I am currently forbidden from entering the station, so I was forced to take matters into my own hands.”
“I followed the target for several miles, camped outside of his house for multiple days, read his mail and hacked his social media accounts, all to ascertain when the target would launch their attack on me,” he added. “I have yet to be assaulted, so I would describe my actions as successful.”
Jacob Alvarez, Carter’s alleged potential attacker, was caught off-guard by the allegations, as he only contacted police after finding Carter rifling through his trash.
“I’m really confused,” admitted Alvarez. “This guy seemingly knows everything about me: where I work, how often I go to the bathroom, which hand I honk off with… I’ve been talking to the police, but we can’t figure out why he followed me. I tend to wear a hoodie at nights, so our best guess is this may not have happened if I was dressed a little more modestly.”
For their part, law enforcement has spent nearly no time figuring out why the self-proclaimed “patriot” would feel compelled to exercise his second amendment rights in Alvarez’s home.
“Actual assault doesn’t need to take place to stand your ground,” remarked Bend Police Chief Arthur Cromwell. “A battery incident is typical precedent, but in cases involving white men, the defendant merely needs to suspect possible future assault to engage in counter-assault defensive measures. We call this ‘preemptive reactionary aggression,’ where someone shoots the assailant before the assailant even knows they want to attack the victim. Unfortunately, we were too early to pre-prevent this eventual assault from potentially happening.”
At press time, Carter was following a young woman whom he was positive would be “asking for it” some day.
This is a fucking disgrace. Do I like escalating shit? Sure. Do I like killing people? Fuck yeah! Do I like when bowtie-wearing goobers sully my reputation with their smarmy support? Hell no. Now that weird dork, Tucker Carlson, is broadcasting to the whole world, praising me like we’re best buds. I had a reputation I was trying to maintain as an honest, self-made murderer but now I’m scared people are gonna think I’m lame.
There goes my chances of meeting any of those women who are sexually attracted to murderers. With my name connected to that bowtie dweeb, I might as well be a lowly sex offender.
When did killing people become a political statement? My murderees weren’t even protestors. Free me. I am an apolitical prisoner! People would know that if they bothered to read my manifesto.
Once you read it, you’ll see that all I care about is to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, and to be born into new worlds and my victim’s body is the key. Tucker is too much of a close-minded conservative to understand anything about new worlds. I would certainly never invite him over to check out my collection of severed fingers. Steve Doocy, maybe. But never Tuck.
Great, looks like all his dorky friends at Breitbart are praising me too. Can’t loser politicians go back to blaming murders on heavy metal like they did in the ’80s? I can’t believe there’s someone lamer than Tipper Gore.
WASHINGTON — Billion-dollar event company Ticketmaster lobbied before Congress yesterday to add a “barely noticeable” $790-million service fee to the “Save Our Stages” bill meant to help struggling independent venues, sources imploring representatives to “score one for the little guy” confirm.
“We are part of this country’s cultural fabric,” said Ticketmaster lobbyist Mark Leeman. “There are millions of Americans out there who will never forget the first concert they couldn’t attend because our contractual price minimums and online ticketing fees made it impossible for them to afford it. This minor adjustment won’t just aid our international mom-and-pop operation, but would also secure the vital ticket middleman industry — a national treasure — for years to come.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reacted swiftly to the proposed change.
“Obviously my contemporaries across the aisle don’t even listen to music, let alone care about our nation’s beloved ticket conglomerates,” she said in an interview following the session. “I, on the other hand, fondly recall smoking a ‘doobie’ with friends of color at a concert of some very cool bands whose names escape me at the moment, so I will fight tooth and nail to see that the family-owned Ticketmaster and the many venues they support, probably, get every last dollar they deserve.”
Venue owner and guitarist Tiana Rochester appreciates the attention the proposed bill has gotten, but fears political gridlock and mismanagement may derail it.
“We need real, substantial financial support, not a corporate bailout,” she said, scanning another email from her local senator saying that her struggling bar and stage “look really neat.” “I can’t pay bartenders and sound techs with essays from Republicans on the virtues of John Fogerty, or promises from Democrats to ‘jam out’ to my band’s record on MySpace. I’m trying to save my livelihood, and our public servants have been roped into discussing whether to pay for ‘bill insurance,’ so I’m pretty sure we’re doomed.”
A group of the nation’s promoters were reportedly slated to address Congress as well, but have stalled until they can find a local lobbyist to pay them to talk for 30 minutes first.
NEW YORK — CBS Studios has reportedly hired aspiring television writer Taylor Johnson, 28, to jiggle the ethernet cable or turn off the router whenever the wifi cuts out in the building, sources confirm.
“We here at CBS take pride in the diversity of our staff,” said George Cheeks, president of CBS Entertainment Group, in a public statement. “Adding Taylor to our ranks was simply the next logical step in making sure that youthful, woke voices are heard from CBS. Those voices will still be written by our staff of mid fortysomethings on their 2010 Macbooks, but without Taylor helping to fix the ol’ world wide gobbledygook every now and then, we’d be lost!”
Johnson was eager to accept the position, joining the likes of other CBS diversity hires like Tyrone Williams, the one black guy who handles any and all cultural research, Juan Garcia, the Mexican extra in Blue Bloods, and Rhonda Adams, a middle-aged woman.
“I was hoping to hit the ground running, but the most writing I’ve done so far is an email responding to the head writer who asked me if they should buy the new iPhone,” said Johnson while crouching over fumbling to re-insert the power cord back into the office router that he had just unplugged. “Other than that, I just kinda follow the troubleshooting sections of instruction manuals and the entire office applauds. It’s just nice to feel noticed, I guess.”
At press time, Johnson was elated after being promoted to story consultant after a staff writer asked him how resetting a router works.
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