“What Are You Going to Do, Ground Me?” Says 36-Year-Old About to Be Written Out of Will

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

FALLS CHURCH, Va. — 36-year-old Michael Connelly’s sarcastic response moments ago to a demand from his parents effectively eliminated the possibility of receiving any inheritance when they die, in a move observers described as “vastly overplaying his hand.”

“Dad was on my case about applying for some job he told me about, and when I told him I didn’t, he had the audacity to say, ‘When I tell you to do something, you do it,’” the fool proudly proclaimed, blissfully unaware of his future losses. “Look, I’m a grown-ass man, OK? Dad can hem and haw all he wants about me applying to this bullshit job, but if I don’t want to, I don’t want to. I’m not living under his roof and he’s not paying my bills, so he can kick rocks as far as I’m concerned.”

While Michael was unaware of the long-term consequences of his actions, his younger sibling, Matt, couldn’t believe his brother’s idiocy.

“Mike really stepped in it with this one. Man, what a fucking idiot,” the younger Connelly said. “Yeah, Dad can be a bit overbearing sometimes, but if you want him off your ass, just humor him a bit. Mike has to try to assert his dominance and independence at every step of the way. I guess on the plus side, this likely means everything that was going to him is going to come to me, so I probably shouldn’t complain too much.”

While the Connellys’ case may be extreme, this phenomenon of older Millennials pushing back on their parents is not abnormal.

“For a generation raised by helicopter parenting and more frequent contact with their guardians thanks to technological advances, the desire to cut the cord is fairly typical,” noted Vox journalist Ezra Klein. “Unfortunately, oftentimes these dipshits resort to drastic measures or statements — such as threatening to put their parents in a poorly run nursing home, or not let them visit their grandkids, over trivial matters. As such, they inadvertently shoot themselves in the foot and cost themselves vast sources of income. Fucking dumbasses.”

At press time, Michael Connelly was attempting to cash a check on which his father issued a stop payment order.

How To Practice Self Care When a Stranger “Needs” CPR

Posted on by Dan Rice

Life, at times, can seem full of demands. Finding the right work/life balance is a very tricky thing, and it’s made trickier every time someone makes you feel like they need something from you. If you want to accomplish your goals, it’s important to weed time and energy vampires out of your sphere.

Here are some helpful things to remember when some rando tries to tell you they “need you” to resuscitate them by collapsing on the sidewalk.


“It’s not my fault that I am the only one here who knows CPR.”
CPR certification means you can help someone in need, not that you are obliged to. Maybe by diving in to help that unconscious victim, you are making the people around you think, “Hey, I don’t need to learn CPR because this person will always just pick up the slack!” News flash: You are not a welcome mat.

“This person is suffering physically. I am suffering emotionally.”
Just because we can see how a heart attack or choking victim is suffering does not mean you aren’t suffering just as much on the inside. You have enough on your plate and it’s OKAY to let that blue-faced stranger deal with their problems by themselves. Tend your own garden.

“I just can’t handle people today, and that’s okay.”
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Yes, you could save that stranger’s life with your skills, but then they will want to make small talk, and you can’t always do small talk. And that’s alright. Go home, ignore the pleas for help from the apparently untrained onlookers, and recharge your batteries. Tomorrow is a new day. For you, at least.

“They’re probably just tired.”
Some oldster decides to drop and take a nap on the sidewalk and all a sudden it’s all hands on deck? It’s hot today. They were probably just sleepy. If that’s the case, giving them CPR is the last thing they would want anyway.

“I’m going to be late for The Bachelor.”
Reality TV waits for no one. Samuell Becket once said that the tears and laughs of the world were in equal measure. Why swap your laugh for this stranger’s tear by saving their life and missing your favorite show? Don’t you deserve to be happy too?

Neuralink Brain Chip Comes Preloaded with Memories of New U2 Record

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk announced today that his startup Neuralink will be able to outfit humans with a brain chip that will come preloaded with memories of the latest U2 record, extremely upset sources confirm.

“We needed a starter album so people could see how the chip works, and U2 is a really exciting get for us. I know last time they tried something like this it was universally loathed, but that’s only because people hate Apple. They love me,” said Musk while ignoring a barrage of texts from Joe Rogan. “Getting Bono and the boys brings legitimacy to the prospect of ‘leveling up’ the human experience. The best part is that if you try to delete it, it downloads another new U2 record — the thing multiplies like the Hydra.”

While some fans of the band don’t mind the stunt, most potential customers were upset.

“It’s bad enough the implant will likely track my every move and send my darkest thoughts directly to the government like some Phillip K. Dick dystopian novel, but the thought of having U2 on a constant loop on my head would make me want to jump off a cliff,” said local music and tech connoisseur Ted Malpitch. “There are always downsides to advancement… and it seems like the biggest downside here is this album they could easily just not include. I also heard they might unveil a 90-minute speech Bono made about climate change as an upgrade package. That seems like hell on Earth.”

For their part, U2 is excited about the format, and confirmed the record will be exclusive to the new platform.

“We’re not putting it on Spotify or anything. It’s only available as a memory,” Bono proclaimed, standing at the edge of a mountain cliff on a deserted island, staring into the distance with his arms spread to either side to form a cross. “The listening experience is an illusion of the brain, and we’re releasing the record directly to the illusion. You don’t listen to U2 with your ears anymore — you listen with your mind. U2 is an experience: a feeling, an existential abstraction. Also, we’ll probably reissue it on iTunes in like, six months, with a couple of acoustic tracks for good measure.”

Rumors are swirling that the album can only be removed by replaying it 69 times at 4:20 p.m. and then downloading memories of a 311 album, though when Musk was asked for confirmation, he turned on an invisibility device and ran away.

We Finally Know What the New Sony Console Will Be Called

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TOKYO — Years of speculation by fans and industry insiders alike were put to rest today as Sony finally revealed the name of their new next-generation gaming console during a showcase earlier today. 

Rumors have been circulating since shortly after the release of the PlayStation 4 concerning how Sony would follow up the hugely popular system, with many obvious choices such as Super PlayStation 4, PlayStation 4-2, and The Sony GameMan all being heavily touted as likely candidates. However, all of those were put to bed with today’s unexpected bombshell announcement: the console will be called the Play Station Five.

“We considered a variety of names,” said Carly Todd, a representative from Sony. “PS Extreme, The Sony Bobcat, and the PSPXL were all heavily considered at different points. Ultimately, we decided to pay tribute to the speed and performance of this new console by making its name an homage to the Mach Five, Speed Racer’s infamous car, known for winning races and having a lot of tricks up its sleeve.”

The announcement sent immediate shockwaves through the gaming community

“How in the fuck am I supposed to remember that?” said Darius Rhodes, a livid gamer who insisted we describe him as such. “Why the hell would they name it after some dumbass cartoon that is fifty years old? Man, they could really take a page from Microsoft and clearly label which model and uh, series, their systems are. Maybe they’ll learn from their huge mistake the next time around.”

At this point, no other details about the Play Station Five have been announced.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Nintendo for Emulating Mario Games

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has issued a DMCA takedown to Nintendo, threatening to press legal action if the studio doesn’t remove its fan emulation project, Super Mario 3D All-Stars, from store shelves immediately.

“While we respect Nintendo’s dedication to our games, it is imperative that Nintendo protects its IPs,” says Nintendo’s takedown notice. “We hereby demand that Nintendo cease the illicit production of Super Mario 3D All-Stars, which features unsanctioned emulations of Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine and Super Mario Galaxy. We feel that such shoddy reproductions only serve to hurt our property’s goodwill.”

While the defendants admit that the slightly upscaled games aren’t the highest quality fan project, Nintendo believes that the collection is a necessary preservation measure as Nintendo continues to hold its copyrighted material hostage.

“We’re supposed to be celebrating 35 years of Mario and yet we’re not allowed to show our appreciation?” vented Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser. “If Nintendo cares so much about Mario, they should put some effort into actually remaking these classic games so we don’t have to. Someone tell them to get on that, stat!”

The takedown is the latest in a long line of cease and desists issued by Nintendo. Previous projects affected by legal action include Metroid 2 remake AM2R, an fan-made HD remaster of Super Mario 64, and Virtual Console, a popular emulator that featured ROMs of several NES and SNES games.

“Please, we ask that our fans trust us and not take matters into their own hands,” said Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa. “If you want to play our classics like Super Mario Sunshine, you can do so when we release the GameCube Classic in 2022. We plan on producing nearly 200 units, so just be patient.”

Despite the protests, Nintendo says it will comply with the takedown and remove the game from digital marketplaces in March. Nintendo promises to work with Nintendo to resell exact copies of the emulated games separately afterwards.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Friendzoned? This Beta Cuck Has Platonic Relationships That Will Last a Lifetime

Posted on by John Danek

By its very definition, not everyone can be an alpha male. While I choose to surround myself exclusively with fellow alphas, I realize that there are billions of betas out there who need help. I may not be able to turn you all into real men like me, but I can definitely help get you out of the friendzone. Follow my method for a surefire way out of the friendzone. You may not end up getting laid, but you definitely won’t be friends anymore.

I’m gonna tell you a story. So me and my #AlphaGang were violating quarantine the other day, pumping iron at Muscle Beach, when I noticed a man and a woman walking together. The odd thing was he didn’t have his hand on her ass the whole time. So I finished my set (deadlift; 400 pounds; one half rep with no form before grunting and dropping it recklessly) and strutted over to assess the sitch and help out a beta in need.

So I ask him, “Bro! Sup?” “Umm, eating ice cream with my friend,” he said, cuckilly. “Cool. Cool. Where’s this dog-brain’s leash,” I wittily retorted. “What the fuck did you just say?” he said while getting in my face like the beta he clearly was. The girl he was with, clearly using him, touched his arm and said, “he’s not worth it,” and they walked away. Wow. Classic female breadcrumbing. This poor guy was so deep in the friendzone he actually stood up for a friend who doesn’t even eat his ass. So brainwashed.

Normally, I can give the Red Pill anyone, like Morphius. If they don’t want it, I also have another pill I give that makes people fall asleep and not remember. Also like Morphius.

Did I do something wrong? No, my approach was perfect. …oh my God! I’m so ignorant. He was probably gay. Which is totally cool. Do your thing, I’m just sayin’ keep it away from Muscle Beach.

Maybe he was married and just pretending he and that girl weren’t hooking up. That makes way more sense to me. Shit, maybe he’s a monk. I should have asked if he committed to a life of abstinence, like me.

Report: Five Beers and a Bunch of Chips for Dinner, Again?

Posted on by Griffin Constant

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Harris forced down another five beers and a bunch of chips moments ago in an attempt to finally eat something of substance after going the entire day without eating, according to concerned sources.

“After looking around the kitchen, I decided it was just better for me to stick with the ol’ standby again — I mean, it was probably enough calories or whatever,” said a still-hungry Harris while smoking a cigarette in a bathrobe. “I think it’s fine. The grocery store lines are absurd, and there are mountains of trash outside since the city’s sanitation department all got COVID, so why even bother.”

Witnesses confirm that while Harris might have valid reasons for avoiding grocery stores, there is a wealth of real food in the house he could consume.

“We have some food — it just takes like, half an hour to cook, and he just doesn’t want to put that kind of effort into anything,” Harris’s roommate Shelly Vorback noted. “I offered to cook something for both of us, but he just looked at me funny and said it wasn’t his turn to do dishes. I’m not sure how long adult humans are capable of surviving on just snacks… and I hope I’m not the one who finds out.”

Harris’s healthcare professional was unsurprised.

“He’s given up,” said clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Elizabeth Moore. “He’s been struggling since the start of the pandemic. This behavior basically correlates with the changing times — like the day Trump tweeted ‘LAW AND ORDER’ 12 times. He hasn’t shown up to any of our appointments since unmarked federal agents began to arrest protestors, so I could only imagine how much further he has spiraled with everything going on now.”

At press time, Harris was seen making a castle out of empty beer cans while wearing a gas mask.

Photo by Rick Homuth.

We Sat Down With a Reunited Fugazi and They Were Pretty Pissed This Wasn’t Actually a Make-A-Wish

Posted on by John Danek

Few musical fanbases foam at the mouth for a reunion more than Fugazi’s. The post-hardcore trailblazer’s influence can still be found in new bands today. But no matter how many groups try to imitate the complex songwriting, postmodern lyrics, and controlled chaos, no one will ever quite be like Ian, Guy, Brendan, and Joe.

That’s why we were so stoked that the members of Fugazi are finally back together and agreed to let us interview them! Our only regret was that they found out this wasn’t actually set up by the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The Hard Times: Fugazi! Back together under the same roof. Have you all been in touch since going on hiatus, or is this kinda weird and awkward?

Fugazi: Oh, we actually didn’t know there were going to be reporters here. We came to spend some time with little Skyler, here.

Of course there’s a journalist here you silly gooses! A monumental occasion like this must be documented.

Yeah, I guess that’s true. He looks like he’s fighting really hard.

Huh? Yeah, sure. He’s cool. Actually, his mom said he has to be back by 4 so we should probably start this interview. I’m gonna have to wash the powder off his face so he doesn’t look this pale when she sees him.

Wait, Skyler doesn’t have terminal cancer?

Ha! Nah, man. The only disease Skyler has is the acting bug, don’t ya little guy. But since you’re all here, why don’t you-

This is some evil shit. How did you even get this hospital room?

That reminds us, if you could keep it down so staff doesn’t notice we’re in here, that’d be great. Anyways, your last record “The Argument” saw continued growth-

Shut the fuck up. The fact that you would bait us with pediatric cancer is sickening. You should be ashamed of yourself.

We can accept that. In fact, we should all take accountability for this situation. Like, maybe it was a little egocentric for you to think that a dying 7-year-old would have a musical palate for angular guitar lines and abstract lyrics like Fugazi’s. We’re the real fan!

This is so messed up. We’re leaving. Don’t follow us. But it is nice to see each other again.

You’re welcome, Fugazi fans.

Vegan Protester Hit with Pepper Spray Declines Milk

Posted on by Kevin Tit

PHILADELPHIA — Local vegan Courtney Demming was pepper-sprayed by Philadelphia police during a peaceful protest yesterday, but declined the offer of a “milk wash” to curb the spray’s effects, multiple on-site medics confirm.

“These pigs in blue are the only animals I won’t defend,” said Demming while trying to use her T-shirt to blot her eyes. “I’m not a fucking baby cow — I don’t need milk to ‘strengthen my bones’ or ‘help wash away a blinding irritant.’ That’s just Big Dairy propaganda. No, thanks.”

“Besides, the amount of pus in one gallon of milk is far worse than the pain from the pepper spray,” she added through tears. “It’s unacceptable that there aren’t any non-dairy options for those of us who refuse to participate in animal cruelty. Oat milk works just as well, probably.”

Mutual aid workers insisted they were only trying to help.

“I don’t know, man. I just kind of reacted,” said volunteer medic Erik Oseto. “We weren’t trying to insult her, or devalue her belief system — we just saw those cops empty an entire can of pepper spray directly in her face while she was sitting cross legged on the ground, and wanted to help relieve her pain. But the second we opened the bottle of milk, it was like she forgot about her eyes — she really laid into us about the level of cruelty that went into producing the milk itself. She even had some pamphlets in her backpack. She came prepared.”

While this wave of civil unrest and police violence in America has disrupted many lives, there are some who see this as a positive.

“I love the ongoing protests. We’ve never been more profitable,” said Dairy Farmers of America CEO Richard Smith. “With all these vegan alternatives gaining popularity, the dairy industry was seeing a huge decrease in sales… that was, until these cops started going ham. It’s really saved our asses. We’ve even started supplying some precincts with more pepper spray to increase demand for more milk. We’re doing what we gotta do to stay afloat just like everyone else.”

Demming is now developing her own “Jackass”-style YouTube show, testing different milk alternatives as remedies for the pain.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: We Respect Paul Schrader

Posted on by Coward Hour

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

On this week’s bonus episode we revere Paul Schrader, a sexually horny man from show business.