Anarcho-Punk Willing to Assassinate All Five Members of Franz Ferdinand

Posted on by James Mahoney

CHICAGO — Local anarcho-punk Noah Wallin claimed today that he is prepared to take the lives of Scottish indie-rock band Franz Ferdinand, should the opportunity arise, worried sources confirmed.

“This act must be done to overthrow the power of the band. I possess no hubris when I say my selfless act will lead to another great upheaval: toppling the institutional power of art school dance-rock,” said Wallin loudly in the back of a dark café in the Little Belgrade section of Norwood Park. “I seek no infamy; my aim is to influence the masses to pick up something other than a ’72 Telecaster Deluxe and play catchy hooks. The current music climate is ripe for an early aughts revival, and if Franz Ferdinand are not stopped, they could be co-headlining every music fest in the next year.”

For Franz Ferdinand’s manager Ewan Lindholm, the threats are nothing new.

“No parades, motorcades, or convertible-roof hot tub Escalades for our boys’ own safety,” said Lindholm, who instituted these restrictions in 2004 and still remains vigilant. “As soon as the band started touring, we had assassination attempts. One night in Paris, two shots were fired at our tour van; ‘Take Me Out’ was literally a ‘fuck you’ that shot us up the charts. In 2007, we had a suspicious package outside the hotel in Zagreb, so I called Interpol to open it — they were on the same tour, and thankfully it was just a cardboard box of cleaning supplies that fell off the cleaning staff’s carts.”

Thankfully, Franz Ferdinand singer/guitarist Alex Kapranos is unconcerned with the threats.

“Without action, threats are the empty words tossed around by weak anarchists to feel strong. As we stand on stage, high above the masses, no one rises above,” said Kapranos. “If we die, we do so as martyrs of rock ‘n’ roll — then a band brave enough will come along and name themselves Alex Kapranos, finishing what we started. Art will once again imitate life, albeit lacking the alliteration, the ‘z,’ and the way Franz Ferdinand just rolls off the tongue.”

In related news, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has ordered a royal decree to round up the remaining members of Paul Revere and the Raiders for the treasonous ride of 1775.

Resident Evil Netflix Series Hires Terrible Camera Operators for Accuracy

Posted on by Devin Pacholik

LOS ANGELES — With Netflix recently greenlighting a series based on Capcom’s Resident Evil video games, the streaming platform assured fans they were working with the “worst camera people in the business.” 

“We want this series to be as authentic as possible,” said Netflix producer Kelly Ferguson during a press conference. “Fans will feel like they are right back in Raccoon City, surrounded by zombies and violently disoriented by lousy camera work.”

Ferguson also teased that episodes would “explore deep, psychological horrors,” including Resident Evil-signature easter eggs like boring puzzles, stilted dialogue, and pointless hallways filled with locked doors. 

“People will love it no matter what we do. Resident Evil is all about dumb zombies that keep coming back for more,” Ferguson said of the fanbase.

The horror drama will explore the dark inner workings of the Umbrella Corporation and the new world order caused by the outbreak of the T-virus. Most of this exploration will be obscured behind chairs, dumpsters, and other odds and ends designed to block sight lines.

“We’ve been working with camera people who are so bad at their craft, they seemingly break the rules of reality and perspective,” Ferguson said. “Several camera operators have already been badly injured from trying to clip through walls.”

When asked if the series would also pay homage to the film franchise, Ferguson was enthusiastic.

“Of course! Resident Evil is all about the gore factor,” she said. “We insisted on using the most negligent health and safety professionals money can buy.”

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Man Risks Life for Opportunity to Explain Tenet to Girlfriend

Posted on by Pat Cavanaugh

CHICAGO — Cinephile Brad Reznik attended a showing of Tenet, despite dangers associated with the COVID-19 pandemic, for the opportunity to explain the high-concept sci-fi blockbuster to his girlfriend.

“I don’t want to tell my future children that I waited to stream Tenet on my laptop, occasionally pausing to talk through the mechanics of time inversion to their mother,” said Reznik. “I want them to know I braved a deadly pandemic to see Tenet in IMAX and yell-explained pivotal moments of the time-bending plot to their mother the whole ride home when she came to pick me up.”

AMC employee Ken Dimick was nervous about the theater reopening during the pandemic. But Reznik’s infectious enthusiasm for the film’s puzzle-box narrative helped distract Dimick from the perilous working conditions.

“He stopped by concessions after the movie ended, beaming as he thought through what he just saw. He actually bought tickets for a second showing, just so he could really understand the mechanics of the third act before he told his girlfriend about it,” said Dimick. “That’s commitment. I didn’t even mind that he wasn’t wearing his mask when he refilled his popcorn.”

Reznik’s girlfriend, Amber Hughes, Ph.D., chose not to see the film in the theater, citing her concerns about sharing recycled air with strangers in an enclosed space. But even without the pandemic, she thinks she would have skipped Tenet.

“As someone with a Ph.D. in physics from University of Pennsylvania, I don’t really care for films that indulge in pseudoscience. To me, they’re more about making audiences feel smart, rather than feel, you know, emotions,” Hughes said. “Also, you don’t have to be a Ph.D to realize that sitting in a movie theater is one of the stupidest things you can do right now.

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Kiss of Death Causes Unexpected Sexual Awakening in Mafia Member

Posted on by Stephen Bell

TRENTON, N.J. — Mafioso and “ordinary dry cleaners operator” Eugenio “Two-Bean Gene” Bianchi underwent an unexpected and surprising sexual awakening yesterday after receiving the kiss of death from his Godfather.

“I messed up big on a job and I had to go talk to the Don about it,” said Bianchi. “After I told him, he came over to me, firmly grabbed my head, and planted a kiss on my cheek to mark me for death… and I can’t quite explain it, but the feeling of his strong hands and the stubble on his chin felt so warm and comforting to me. The weird thing is, I’ve exchanged cheek kisses before and never felt a damn thing. Maybe it’s the danger I’m attracted to? Maybe it’s the fact he’s such a powerful man? All I know is I’ve never felt a rush like this before.”

Godfather Leo Mancini admitted that Bianchi’s behavior has been strange ever since the pivotal kiss.

“After the kiss things just got weird. I’ve seen men break down and cry, beg for their lives, or even leave town. Instead, Gene’s been DMing me on Instagram and saying that he just wants to ‘talk,’” said Mancini. “The other day he sent me a shirtless photo by his pool. I think he’s reading too much into that kiss, and now I feel bad. I’m a married man after all, and I’m by no means some sort of fanook. Maybe I need to start using something less intimate, like a fist bump of death or something, to show how completely platonic a gesture it is.”

Long time mafia detective Harold Cornell said that this is a common trend among men affiliated with organized crime.

“Countless times I’ve seen the Godfather dole out the kiss of death, only for the recipient to uncover something unknown about themself,” said Cornell. “It’s not so much that they’re attracted to their Godfather… and labeling them as ‘gay’ probably doesn’t accurately describe what this is. If anything, these guys are so used to handing out death that finally looking death in the face is extremely kinky for them.”

Bianchi is allegedly snapchatting a variety of made men thirst pictures of exactly where he’d like his body to be dumped.

Sitcom Writers Wondering How “Gay” They Should Make Bisexual Character Sound

Posted on by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES — Writers for the police procedural/workplace sitcom “You Have the Write to Remain Sassy” are debating how flamboyantly “gay” they should write a recently introduced bisexual detective, according to thoroughly confounded, straight male sources.

“We know it’s important that this character be an accurate representation of a bisexual… which is why it’s been so hard figuring out exactly how lispy we should make this fruit talk, and how limp the actor should keep his wrist. Plus, he’s supposed to be half-straight. So should he only kinda like football, or something?” said head writer Chris DeMarco. “I think we got pretty close in his first appearance on the show when we made every other line of his ‘Yass queen,’ but it’s hard to find reasons to keep that going when he’s talking about a triple homicide.”

Test viewer Meredith Platt pointed out several inconsistencies in how the character was portrayed.

“I’m not sure the writers even understand what bisexuality is. It seems like they think it has something to do with how many spoonerisms the character says in reference to DNA evidence,” remarked Platt. “They never have him talk about a relationship or any kind of prejudice he has to deal with, so it’s not like he even has a character arc that would make his sexuality a relevant detail. It literally only gets brought up anytime they make him shoehorn in a reference to Madonna.”

Production executive Jonathan Coldwell explained the company’s position on inclusion and diversity.

“We’re proud that our shows feature a diverse array of characters, even if our writers and producers are as lily white as mayonnaise sandwiches. Just look at our latest drama series about steroid abuse in major league baseball, ‘Speed Pitch’ — pretty sure we made one of those guys a Latina shemale. Is that what they like to be called? Latina?” boasted Coldwell. “Look, you asked for diversity. This is the best we can do.”

Writers ultimately decided the best way to demonstrate the character’s bisexuality is by giving him three fistfuls of glitter to throw out at random intervals, and that he will always drink Budweiser.

“What Are You Going to Do, Ground Me?” Says 36-Year-Old About to Be Written Out of Will

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

FALLS CHURCH, Va. — 36-year-old Michael Connelly’s sarcastic response moments ago to a demand from his parents effectively eliminated the possibility of receiving any inheritance when they die, in a move observers described as “vastly overplaying his hand.”

“Dad was on my case about applying for some job he told me about, and when I told him I didn’t, he had the audacity to say, ‘When I tell you to do something, you do it,’” the fool proudly proclaimed, blissfully unaware of his future losses. “Look, I’m a grown-ass man, OK? Dad can hem and haw all he wants about me applying to this bullshit job, but if I don’t want to, I don’t want to. I’m not living under his roof and he’s not paying my bills, so he can kick rocks as far as I’m concerned.”

While Michael was unaware of the long-term consequences of his actions, his younger sibling, Matt, couldn’t believe his brother’s idiocy.

“Mike really stepped in it with this one. Man, what a fucking idiot,” the younger Connelly said. “Yeah, Dad can be a bit overbearing sometimes, but if you want him off your ass, just humor him a bit. Mike has to try to assert his dominance and independence at every step of the way. I guess on the plus side, this likely means everything that was going to him is going to come to me, so I probably shouldn’t complain too much.”

While the Connellys’ case may be extreme, this phenomenon of older Millennials pushing back on their parents is not abnormal.

“For a generation raised by helicopter parenting and more frequent contact with their guardians thanks to technological advances, the desire to cut the cord is fairly typical,” noted Vox journalist Ezra Klein. “Unfortunately, oftentimes these dipshits resort to drastic measures or statements — such as threatening to put their parents in a poorly run nursing home, or not let them visit their grandkids, over trivial matters. As such, they inadvertently shoot themselves in the foot and cost themselves vast sources of income. Fucking dumbasses.”

At press time, Michael Connelly was attempting to cash a check on which his father issued a stop payment order.

How To Practice Self Care When a Stranger “Needs” CPR

Posted on by Dan Rice

Life, at times, can seem full of demands. Finding the right work/life balance is a very tricky thing, and it’s made trickier every time someone makes you feel like they need something from you. If you want to accomplish your goals, it’s important to weed time and energy vampires out of your sphere.

Here are some helpful things to remember when some rando tries to tell you they “need you” to resuscitate them by collapsing on the sidewalk.


“It’s not my fault that I am the only one here who knows CPR.”
CPR certification means you can help someone in need, not that you are obliged to. Maybe by diving in to help that unconscious victim, you are making the people around you think, “Hey, I don’t need to learn CPR because this person will always just pick up the slack!” News flash: You are not a welcome mat.

“This person is suffering physically. I am suffering emotionally.”
Just because we can see how a heart attack or choking victim is suffering does not mean you aren’t suffering just as much on the inside. You have enough on your plate and it’s OKAY to let that blue-faced stranger deal with their problems by themselves. Tend your own garden.

“I just can’t handle people today, and that’s okay.”
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Yes, you could save that stranger’s life with your skills, but then they will want to make small talk, and you can’t always do small talk. And that’s alright. Go home, ignore the pleas for help from the apparently untrained onlookers, and recharge your batteries. Tomorrow is a new day. For you, at least.

“They’re probably just tired.”
Some oldster decides to drop and take a nap on the sidewalk and all a sudden it’s all hands on deck? It’s hot today. They were probably just sleepy. If that’s the case, giving them CPR is the last thing they would want anyway.

“I’m going to be late for The Bachelor.”
Reality TV waits for no one. Samuell Becket once said that the tears and laughs of the world were in equal measure. Why swap your laugh for this stranger’s tear by saving their life and missing your favorite show? Don’t you deserve to be happy too?

Neuralink Brain Chip Comes Preloaded with Memories of New U2 Record

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk announced today that his startup Neuralink will be able to outfit humans with a brain chip that will come preloaded with memories of the latest U2 record, extremely upset sources confirm.

“We needed a starter album so people could see how the chip works, and U2 is a really exciting get for us. I know last time they tried something like this it was universally loathed, but that’s only because people hate Apple. They love me,” said Musk while ignoring a barrage of texts from Joe Rogan. “Getting Bono and the boys brings legitimacy to the prospect of ‘leveling up’ the human experience. The best part is that if you try to delete it, it downloads another new U2 record — the thing multiplies like the Hydra.”

While some fans of the band don’t mind the stunt, most potential customers were upset.

“It’s bad enough the implant will likely track my every move and send my darkest thoughts directly to the government like some Phillip K. Dick dystopian novel, but the thought of having U2 on a constant loop on my head would make me want to jump off a cliff,” said local music and tech connoisseur Ted Malpitch. “There are always downsides to advancement… and it seems like the biggest downside here is this album they could easily just not include. I also heard they might unveil a 90-minute speech Bono made about climate change as an upgrade package. That seems like hell on Earth.”

For their part, U2 is excited about the format, and confirmed the record will be exclusive to the new platform.

“We’re not putting it on Spotify or anything. It’s only available as a memory,” Bono proclaimed, standing at the edge of a mountain cliff on a deserted island, staring into the distance with his arms spread to either side to form a cross. “The listening experience is an illusion of the brain, and we’re releasing the record directly to the illusion. You don’t listen to U2 with your ears anymore — you listen with your mind. U2 is an experience: a feeling, an existential abstraction. Also, we’ll probably reissue it on iTunes in like, six months, with a couple of acoustic tracks for good measure.”

Rumors are swirling that the album can only be removed by replaying it 69 times at 4:20 p.m. and then downloading memories of a 311 album, though when Musk was asked for confirmation, he turned on an invisibility device and ran away.

We Finally Know What the New Sony Console Will Be Called

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TOKYO — Years of speculation by fans and industry insiders alike were put to rest today as Sony finally revealed the name of their new next-generation gaming console during a showcase earlier today. 

Rumors have been circulating since shortly after the release of the PlayStation 4 concerning how Sony would follow up the hugely popular system, with many obvious choices such as Super PlayStation 4, PlayStation 4-2, and The Sony GameMan all being heavily touted as likely candidates. However, all of those were put to bed with today’s unexpected bombshell announcement: the console will be called the Play Station Five.

“We considered a variety of names,” said Carly Todd, a representative from Sony. “PS Extreme, The Sony Bobcat, and the PSPXL were all heavily considered at different points. Ultimately, we decided to pay tribute to the speed and performance of this new console by making its name an homage to the Mach Five, Speed Racer’s infamous car, known for winning races and having a lot of tricks up its sleeve.”

The announcement sent immediate shockwaves through the gaming community

“How in the fuck am I supposed to remember that?” said Darius Rhodes, a livid gamer who insisted we describe him as such. “Why the hell would they name it after some dumbass cartoon that is fifty years old? Man, they could really take a page from Microsoft and clearly label which model and uh, series, their systems are. Maybe they’ll learn from their huge mistake the next time around.”

At this point, no other details about the Play Station Five have been announced.

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Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Nintendo for Emulating Mario Games

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has issued a DMCA takedown to Nintendo, threatening to press legal action if the studio doesn’t remove its fan emulation project, Super Mario 3D All-Stars, from store shelves immediately.

“While we respect Nintendo’s dedication to our games, it is imperative that Nintendo protects its IPs,” says Nintendo’s takedown notice. “We hereby demand that Nintendo cease the illicit production of Super Mario 3D All-Stars, which features unsanctioned emulations of Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine and Super Mario Galaxy. We feel that such shoddy reproductions only serve to hurt our property’s goodwill.”

While the defendants admit that the slightly upscaled games aren’t the highest quality fan project, Nintendo believes that the collection is a necessary preservation measure as Nintendo continues to hold its copyrighted material hostage.

“We’re supposed to be celebrating 35 years of Mario and yet we’re not allowed to show our appreciation?” vented Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser. “If Nintendo cares so much about Mario, they should put some effort into actually remaking these classic games so we don’t have to. Someone tell them to get on that, stat!”

The takedown is the latest in a long line of cease and desists issued by Nintendo. Previous projects affected by legal action include Metroid 2 remake AM2R, an fan-made HD remaster of Super Mario 64, and Virtual Console, a popular emulator that featured ROMs of several NES and SNES games.

“Please, we ask that our fans trust us and not take matters into their own hands,” said Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa. “If you want to play our classics like Super Mario Sunshine, you can do so when we release the GameCube Classic in 2022. We plan on producing nearly 200 units, so just be patient.”

Despite the protests, Nintendo says it will comply with the takedown and remove the game from digital marketplaces in March. Nintendo promises to work with Nintendo to resell exact copies of the emulated games separately afterwards.

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