“Sure, I’ll Check Out Primus” Says Person on Worst Date of Their Life

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Area woman Meg Sebastian conceded that she would “check out Primus” in a desperate bid to end what she would later call the “worst date I will ever go on.”

“Marty Flannel’s Hinge profile was full of green flags. He had a job, dressed well and you could definitely see a bedframe in the background of a few pictures,” said Sebastian. “He wanted to meet at this bowling alley, which sounded fun at first, but he didn’t want to do any bowling. Marty just really liked their shitty pizza, which he ate by peeling off the cheese and rolling the sauce-covered dough into little balls. He spent the rest of the date raving about Primus, with the occasional break to show me an ‘American Dad’ clip off his iPad.”

“I panicked and said that I would check Primus out, thinking that it was the only thing that would stop him from killing me. I had to pay for everything because they wouldn’t accept his Robinhood card, but I was just happy to be done with it,” she added.”

Sebastian’s friends had warned her about dating Flannel.

“I told her not to even bother with this date but Meg wouldn’t listen,” said Stan Halpert, who had also gone on a miserable date with Flannel. “He reels you in with his flirty texts and good looks. You think he might be the one, and then bam; you’re 35 minutes into a rant about ‘Sailing the Sea of Cheese’ or something called The Les Claypool Frog Brigade. Seriously, what the fuck does any of that mean?”

Flannel insisted that he was simply trying to share his music tastes, and will not be reaching out about possibly connecting for a second date.

“Too often am I forced to educate the laymen on the intricacies of Primus,” said Flannel. “Much like the pizza at Skippy’s Bowling Lanes, albums like ‘Frizzle Fry’ and ‘Pork Soda’ are too nuanced and masterful for most to comprehend. I don’t listen to anything else, just like I don’t eat anything besides square pizza. If my date doesn’t understand that, then they are clearly unfit for my loins.”

At press time, Sebastian was seen fleeing from a coffee shop after her date mentioned he “really thinks Porcupine Tree is underrated.”

Near-Death Experience Causes Man to Quit Drinking for the Rest of This Week

Posted on by Dom Turek

MUNCIE, Ind. — A local man’s brush with death after drunkenly falling from a third-story balcony on Tuesday inspired him to quit drinking for the rest of this week, according to sources who witnessed the incident.

“Almost dying was exactly the incentive I needed to quit drinking for the next few days,” said Dave Walden from his hospital bed at St. Mary’s Medical Center. “When you try to control your drinking, your drinking controls you, which is why I’ve decided to get serious and quit cold turkey for an entire business week. I’m technically not allowed to drink on these pain medications anyway, so the timing works out perfectly.”

Walden miraculously suffered only minor injuries after falling three stories into a pile of garbage bags after betting his friends a case of beer that the balcony railing could hold the weight of a grown man.

“As soon as I saw the wood start to splinter, I knew I would never see my security deposit again,” said Derek Harper, Walden’s friend. “It’s crazy to think that if I followed my building’s waste management protocol and took my garbage out to the curb every week instead of letting it pile into a massive heap, Dave could be dead right now. I support his sobriety as long as he comes through with that case of beer he owes us.”

Midway through assessing Walden for signs of head trauma, Kim Lopez, the EMS coordinator on-site was struck with deja vu after realizing she’d evaluated Walden six months earlier in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings.

“I’m surprised he’s still drinking after the flaming shot incident,” said Lopez. “It looks like the skin on his ear is growing back nicely. Anytime we’re dealing with alcohol-related injuries, we’re required to recommend substance abuse counseling to the victim once they’re coherent, or at least suggest they stop trying to light their drinks on fire.”

At press time, Walden was seen lugging a mostly-full case of beer over to Harper’s apartment.

Drummer Uncomfortable With Electronic Kit That Moans Pleasurably Each Time He Hits It

Posted on by Char Byram

NEW YORK — Percussion enthusiast Jeffery Saunders was disturbed to discover his new electronic drum kit let out sounds of sexual excitement each time his drumsticks touched one of the sensors, confirmed sources trying to help reprogram the kit.

“As soon as I put on my headphones I knew something was wrong. It sort of sounded like I was hearing shallow, anticipatory breaths but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from,” said Saunders. “As soon as I sat down to play a few simple beats, I noticed the pads kept making these erotic sounds after every hit. I wanted to give it a chance and try something new, but I don’t know if this is for me. It’s making me feel weird, especially after it started moaning ‘Oh yeah, hit me again,’ and ‘Harder, harder!’ When the kit called me ‘daddy’ after a blast beat I immediately unplugged it and looked up the return policy.”

Matt Daily, CEO of Hot N’ Heavy Beats—the manufacturer of the electronic drum kit—insists the key feature is clearly stated in the product’s description and that customers who don’t want an arousable drum kit ought to be more discerning with their purchases.

“We hear this a lot from people who don’t really ‘get’ our mission, which is to make a high quality, touch-sensitive electronic drum set that sighs lustfully whenever you take your big sticks and play with it,” said Daily while biting his lower lip. “If you want a regular, non-erotic drum kit, there are obviously plenty you can choose from on the market. We’re cultivating a sensual experience for drummers everywhere, and we feel that it’s bringing the passion back into their lives. Besides, anyone who gets upset at having a drum kit express itself in a salacious manner is just being a prude.”

Sex therapist Dr. Ellen Brodowski believes this can actually be a healthy practice, further strengthening the bond between drummers and their equipment.

“However difficult it may be to open up about it, having a drum kit that audibly conveys its prurient desires could be a way for drummers to really form a deeper connection with their instrument,” said Dr. Brodowski while lightly running a brush over his electronic snare drum. “Oftentimes the relationship between a drummer and the drum can become strained, or there might be miscommunication, so being able to listen to the kit and hear what its sensual preferences are might be a step towards positive growth within that dynamic.”

Hot N’ Heavy Beats are currently developing an update to their electronic bass drum which will demand you spit on it every time it’s played.

Body Positivity Win! One of the Women Being Objectified in This Music Video Is Fat

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

Skinny binches you’ve been warned, the reign of the fat queen is at hand! Pop punk sensations Juice Monkey have announced that the video for their new song “The Bus To Busttown” will be presenting a fat woman as a sexual object right alongside the standard thin dancers.

The video will feature seven women — including one BBW goddess — naked and painted like sex robots simulating fellatio on the band while wearing blindfolds; proving once and for all that fat women are fully sexual creatures worthy of the male gaze. You go girls!

We dropped by the set for some exclusive interviews with the pioneers behind this groundbreaking work of body positivity.

“We’re very happy to be able to sell a whole new generation of young men an oversimplified, service-oriented version of female sexuality that includes fat women,” said producer Guy Dickholder. “It’s time. “Yass male feminist king!

This may be Juice Monkey’s first foray into fat sexy slay, but some heroic members of the band have been championing fat acceptance for a while. Swoonworthy frontman Scrud Humpley has been cushion pushin’ since before their big break.

“I always felt so alone in my love of the fat feminine form,” he said. “All through senior year of high school, I had to hide the fact that I was making out with Hefty Betsy in the art closet on my third-period spare because I was so afraid of the ridicule I would face if people knew I was a chubby chaser. I hope that this video will empower young boys to be more open about and even proud of the types of girls they get off to.”

Omg, the thought of emo teenaged Scrud hiding his true self from the world has us literally weeping. We would have gained the freshman fifteen for you early, Scrud.

Kelsey Fletcher, the big fat boss bitch who will be featured in the video, was discovered by the band when she applied for a sound tech position on their last tour.

“I was not expecting them to ask me to be in a video,” she said on a break from shooting to touch up her butthole makeup. “I was like this has to be a mistake or a prank, no one has ever called me sexy before. But since we started rehearsing I’ve come to realize that I am worthy of being called sexy. I do have a desirable body. I am a valuable commodity.”

Get it Kelsey! You can’t stop a twenty ton truck. This girl is fat, fierce, and fucking up the thiniarchy and we are Here. For. It. We’re hells jells of all that juicy Juice Monkey dick you’re gonna get at the wrap party, Queen. Save a slice for us!

“The Bus To Busttown” drops next week. A portion of ad proceeds from the video will be donated to Hogs For Hogs, Juice Monkey’s charity that provides unsolicited dick pics to plus sized women.

Spotify CEO Receives Gift Basket of Elk Meat and Testosterone Injections From Secret Admirer

Posted on by Cory Cousins

NEW YORK — An air of mystery and excitement pervaded CEO Daniel Ek’s office as he was delivered a gift basket of elk meat and testosterone injections from a secret admirer, Ek’s executive assistant confirmed.

“You know, I was actually feeling a little low today with all of the negative press my company has been receiving lately, but I must confess, I’m tickled by this gesture,” admitted Ek. “People think that just because I’m worth billions of dollars I don’t enjoy the little things. Look, they even included a note with the basket. It reads: ‘Mahalo Mr. Ek, you are the most epic of CEOs. You operate on a whole other astral plane of energies that is both Zen-like and inspiring, unlike that old farty pants Neil Young. Big thanks for the millions of dollars!’ Such kind words. I must know the identity of this masked Lothario!”

As news of the sumptuous gift basket spread amongst Spotify employees, rumors began to spread as to who may have been behind the thoughtful offering.

“I bet you a zillion dollars it was Simon Cowell!” barked branding specialist, Aspyn Vandenberg. “It’s a no-brainer if you ask me. He comes across as so gruff, but I bet he’s a real sweetheart when you get to know him. Or maybe it was Pete Davidson? He’s everywhere these days. Ugh, I can’t make up my mind now.”

Others in the CEO community made it known that they were a bit jealous of the special treatment the music streaming mogul was receiving.

“What makes him so special that he gets to be the star in his own rom-com?” sulked Goldman Sachs CEO, David Solomon. “Whenever I get a gift, it’s like they’re not even trying. How many diamond-encrusted cigarette boats does one man really need? Would it kill them to think of something unique? Just go on Etsy for like two seconds. It’s not that hard!”

In the wake of the success of the initial gift basket, the unknown admirer followed up with a platter of CBD oils, mushroom coffee, and a one year supply of Ivermectin.

Opinion: Sometimes a Cigar Is Just a Cigar, Even When I Smoke It Through a Glory Hole

Posted on by Peter Woods

Freud definitely called it back in the day: everywhere you look, we’re surrounded by phallic symbols. And, subconsciously, we’re all drawn to these penile stand-ins. But Freud also said that “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” because not everything is about sex all the time.

I agree with him on this. Like this cigar here? It’s just a cigar. Even if I am smoking it through this truck stop bathroom glory hole.

To be clear, I don’t want to slutshame anyone. If you want to go down on some anonymous D in a filthy public location, go to town! Just make sure you suck random dick safely and with consent! But engaging in anonymous sex acts is not something I secretly fantasize about, consciously or subconsciously. I just enjoy smoking a cigar without being able to see the other end or the smoke coming out. And the easiest way I can think of to do that is to have someone slide one of these bad boys into a glory hole for me.

I also just like seeing how much of this huge Cuban I can fit into my mouth and down my throat. You know, for fun!

I realize that smoking a cigar through a glory hole might be a sexual thing for some people. Fetishes come in all shapes and sizes, and maybe someone gets off on smoking stogies this way. If that’s you then hey, more power to ya! That’s just not me. It’s not a sex thing. I just want to smoke cigars for the sake of smoking cigars and I want to do it through a glory hole. And maybe sometimes I like to put on a blindfold and not ask any questions and just trust that the person on the other side is going to put a cigar in the glory hole (like I implied!) and not something else that I won’t recognize until I get my lips around it.

Because who doesn’t like a surprise every once and a while!

So yeah, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and the reason I am at this glory hole is to smoke cigars. But if anyone here does want to get deepthroated, feel free to meet me out back where I can see you and I’ll blow you to high heaven, especially if you kind of remind me of my mom.

Cyclist Wearing Helmet Survives Crash Only to Look Like a Fucking Dweeb the Whole Time

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

RICHMOND — Local cyclist, Peter Williams, survived a collision with an unoccupied van parked on a heavily-trafficked street late this morning thanks to his bicycle helmet, which left him looking significantly dweeby throughout the entire ordeal.

“He’s very lucky, I feel like he wouldn’t have walked away from this accident if he hadn’t been wearing a helmet,” witness Melissa Morgan stated. “But, you know, it just kinda sucks how stupid he looked. I mean, my kids had to see his weird body fly over the hood of that van with that plastic helmet, like, clipped onto his head. How am I supposed to explain this to them? Surprise, kids! Here’s the world’s dumbest Evel Knievel incarnate? Ugh.”

The accident took place in front of Williams’s workplace, GWARBar, where he previously served as a bartender.

“Our bar may be covered in piss and blood, and we expect our staff to reflect those values when serving our devoted-by-chemical dependency customers,” stated the bar manager. “We all talked about it for no less than two minutes before coming to the unanimous decision to demote Williams to bar-back following the accident. Yeah, we’re glad he’s not seriously injured, but we just can’t have any dorky-ass, safety-first-looking motherfuckers being the face of our establishment. COVID hit us hard enough, no thanks.”

Once the crowd of bystanders composed themselves and stopped pointing and laughing, Williams was rushed to the hospital where doctors gave him a mostly clean bill of health.

“The doctor told me I’m physically ok, but it’s gonna take years to get over this social status trauma,” he said. “I don’t think it was totally necessary to include ‘Diagnosis: soft little baby body’ to my discharge report, but the nurses seemed to think so, so what can you do? I’m just glad I left my money belt at home today or I may have just had to drive into oncoming traffic by choice.”

Williams was last seen in his helmet unironically riding one of those stupid electronic scooters on a public sidewalk, probably to some dweeby adult baby store or something.

Oh You Have COVID? Name Three Times You Ignored Your Symptoms and Went to Target Anyway

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey bud, haven’t seen you around in a while, oh, you’ve been isolating! Didn’t know you could wait tables from home, ha ha. Wait, you tested positive for COVID? I’m sorry to hear that, but to be honest if you were truly sick you’d have disregarded your symptoms and gone shopping at Target at least three times by now.

I mean you heard the President, we need to make sure our economy makes a strong recovery even if it means ignoring severe body aches and labored breathing to buy $600 worth of Legos. I’ve done my part, can you say you’ve done the same?

In the last six months I’ve contracted the Delta and Omicron variants but that never stopped me from walking aimlessly up and down the aisles of my local Target’s multiple times a week. Sure, that was mostly due to the virus induced brain fog but at least I’m giving the employees a reason to be there. They’re heroes, you know.

You’re really going to expect me to believe that complete loss of taste and smell is going to prevent you from taste testing all the pastries at the bakery section anyway? If you live your life like literally nothing has changed, then the virus can’t win.

Listen, I get that you’re thinking of the greater good not wanting to inadvertently infect someone’s grandma and all that high minded stuff. But sometimes you just gotta risk it for a one-in-a-three-month deal on coffee makers. I bet you have a cold, or at worst allergies. I mean whenever I have a sinus infection, I just don’t want to do anything.

OK look, I didn’t want to be an asshole about it but I distinctly remember all those vaccination card selfies you posted last summer, so let’s just call it what it is: you’ve got the sniffles. Now take some cough drops and get your ass in the car, I need you to help me pick out a new pair of sweatpants.

Bruce Springsteen to Celebrate Working Class by Holding Five Hour Concert Until 2 a.m. on Tuesday Night

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NEWARK, N.J. — Beloved blue-collar icon Bruce Springsteen surprised fans in his native New Jersey by announcing a special one-night-only celebration in the middle of a work week, confirmed multiple sources wishing it could be pushed to a Friday or Saturday night.

“My husband knows how much I love the boss, but when I found out he spent $175 dollars a piece on tickets, I started to panic,” said Deborah Howe, a senior operator at a local HVAC parts manufacturer whose husband surprised her with tickets. “I’ll have to put in overtime every weekend for a month! Not to mention I can’t call in sick the next day, I’ve got all my vacation time burnt up for my sister’s wedding in June. But screw it, this will all be worth it to see Springsteen. I have this fantasy he will bring me up on stage to dance, but our tickets are in the nosebleeds to that would be a stretch.”

Longtime department supervisor Gene Black expressed his concerns with how he thinks the ridiculous hours will affect his department’s production numbers.

“When I heard the commotion on the floor about this stupid concert I immediately braced for the barrage of call-ins and time-off requests. A few years back, Bon Jovi played a show at a nearby county fair and the turnout the next day at the plant was damn near non-existent,” said Black. “If Bruce were actually a man of the people he would play a show during everyone’s mandatory one-hour lunch break, and then play an encore during their 15-minute afternoon break. This late-night crap is going to jack everything up.”

The Boss himself took time from comfortably watching mechanics work on his tour bus to talk about the concert.

“You see, I love doing this because I’m just like the common folks,” said Springsteen while enjoying imported caviar on his $1,000,000 tour bus.”I gotta get out there and put my face to the grindstone to earn an honest living too. These weeknight shows are my way of giving back to the community. I slum it with all these mouth-breathers and pull in a cool six figures during the middle of the week and then really cash in by playing a Vegas show on the weekends. I love this country, and I love the people that keep paying top dollar to see me.”

At press time, Ticketmaster representatives confirmed tickets for the concerts VIP nap stations sold out within seconds.

Narcissist’s Funeral All About Him Again

Posted on by Sarah S.

SAN DIEGO — Family and friends of struggling social media influencer Kevin Watkins gathered this Tuesday to try and mourn his untimely passing, only to find the entire funeral was all about him, eye-rolling sources report.

“I’m not surprised that even in death this bastard is still making himself the center of attention,” scoffed Watkins’ disgruntled ex-wife Jennifer Kauffman alongside her two children, while gesturing to Kevin’s in memoriam selfie wall. “I thought we’d just attend the service and get it over with, but it’s been The Kevin Show all fucking day now. It’s actually been quite traumatizing for the kids—one day he’s MIA for Kevin Jr.’s school play and the next he’s everywhere. You can’t move a damn inch in here without hearing about him. Typical.”

Carl Murphy, Watkins’ childhood best friend, was shocked when he found out that Watkins’ will had left him in charge of the memorial.

“Kevin and I hadn’t spoken in years, but he left me a pretty long list of things he wanted done in his honor. I tried my hardest to meet his demands, but most things were just unachievable,” sighed Murphy. “I mean, I wasn’t really sure how to find someone to make a marble bust, and Tom DeLonge hasn’t answered any of my DMs. But I’ve still worked day and night for the past week to put this thing together, and I’m pretty satisfied with the results. And hey, I’m sure I’ll get to be there for the birth of my next child.”

Members of the psychology community report witnessing a new rise in narcissism in recent years.

“This new age of social media has led to a major surge in narcissistic behavior. Everybody wants to be famous and have millions of fans these days, and it’s really quite sad,” said psychoanalyst Dr. Harold Evans, before adding to follow him on TikTok and Twitter for more cyberpsychology facts. “Unfortunately, with more attention being paid to spotting narcissistic abuse, a record number of people including unsatisfied former partners, and people who think someone is ‘just kind of a dick,’ are brandishing everyone with the label, rendering true diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder ineffective.”

At press time, the American Psychiatric Association announced that it is working hard to bring attention to this media-driven phenomenon and reduce misdiagnoses through their DSM-5 diagnostic criteria Instagram quizzes.

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