The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Could Reading an Article About a Guitar String Breaking and Slicing Your Eyes Open Make You Obsessively Afraid of It for the Rest of Your Life?

Posted on February 12, 2022 by Heather Cook

Imagine this: It’s a perfectly sunny day and you decide to sit outside strumming your acoustic guitar under the shady branches of a towering oak tree. You notice your guitar is a little out of tune so you start adjusting the knobs accordingly until one of the strings is starting to feel a little tight… too tight. Then suddenly, the D string breaks and whips across your face, slicing both of your eyes wide open. Your pupils are splattered across the fallen leaves of the shady oak and nobody is around to hear your cries. Your mahogany Fender has betrayed you.

Don’t worry. The chances of this happening to you are slim, but totally possible. Depending on the guitar, a steel string tends to break once every four months. That’s four chances a year that a string could come barreling towards your eyeballs, leaving them severed in the jam room of a Guitar Center. In fact, in 2021 there were about 300,000 cases of string-to-eye incidents in the United States alone, and eight of them were fatal. You might be thinking, “That’s a lot of incidents. Should I be worried about this?” Maybe not, but you will absolutely worry anyway.

Basically you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than getting your eyes sliced by a broken guitar string. Then again, you don’t dick around with lightning storms for hours every day, so, weigh it against that.

Many renowned guitar players take preventative measures to protect their eyes when tuning their guitars. Even Eddie Van Halen would put on a pair of goggles when he was tuning during his concerts, and Neil Young wears an entire welding mask to protect his face when it’s time to tune. With more than eight hundred guitar string related eye injuries reported every day in the US, it’s no wonder even the greatest guitar players of our time are obsessively scared out of their minds.

Unfortunately, a guitar string can also sporadically snap when you are not tuning. Experts suggest changing your strings frequently to avoid this, but it might be best if you just give up on playing guitar forever. Do you want to end up like Jane Dollman? Oh, you’ve never heard of her? That’s because her career ended as soon as her eyes were sliced open by a flailing guitar string. But don’t worry, that will never happen to you… Until it does.

When We Were Young Festival Designates Parking Area for Teens Waiting to Pick Up Parents

Posted on February 12, 2022 by Ben Friedman

LAS VEGAS — Organizers of the When We Were Young Festival announced that they have set aside 700 parking spots specifically for teens waiting to pick up their parents from the festival grounds.

“My wife and I lost our shit when we saw the line-up, but the excitement ended almost immediately once I realized that our transportation situation was fucked. I’m not such a great night driver anymore, plus my wife insisted we Robotrip during Jimmy Eat World. Luckily for us, our daughter Brannon just got her learner’s permit,” said Aaron Carmichael. “She made it explicitly clear she wanted nothing to do with ‘our music,’ but she’s being a good sport and agreed to wait outside for us with the other kids. At least she and his grandfather will have something to commiserate over next Thanksgiving, right?”

Children of the festival’s target demographic were ambivalent about having to chauffeur their parents around the city.

“All of our moms and dads are going apeshit over this thing, it’s all they talk about and spam Instagram about. My parents brought up carpooling and I was, okay cool, have fun, but then they had the balls to ask me to drive them and their little friends! My brother and I drew straws and I got stuck picking them up. Is this karma for replacing their vodka with water?” said Logan Stills while gassing up the family minivan. “Last thing I want to do on a school night is wait around 12 hours just to cart a bunch of drunk 40-year-olds home through the desert while they scream Hawthorne Heights songs.”

Festival organizers at Live Nation have promised that the auxiliary pickup lot will give concertgoers and their offspring the best of both worlds.

“With an event of this magnitude, we needed to ensure all of the bases were covered. We hope it’ll allow our ticket holders to rip whippets in the portable toilets with peace of mind, knowing their children are just outside the venue,” said logistics coordinator Chad Williams. “But the main takeaway is that we’re trying to help recreate that magic of seeing your favorite bands in 2002, which was usually capped by wandering through a sea of agitated parents who had better things to do. Now their kids can be part of those memories as well.”

Live Nation also announced plans to make the experience even more authentic by placing the exits to the parking area as far as possible in order to make it a complete clusterfuck when trying to leave.

Every Person at This Show Except Me Needs a Shower

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Ryan Casey

Can you believe these people? I walk into this show, pay my five dollars, and I’m greeted by a wall of B.O. Have some respect for yourselves! It’s as if every person in the room ran a quick 5k, cooked 3 pounds of onions, and snacked on some mung bean sprouts right before they walked in. How are these people so blissfully unaware? I feel like I’m the only person here who had the decency to shower this month.

Sure, the crust punks have an excuse. Not showering is just part of being a trust fund kid who hates their parents. I’m sorry, I meant their “political views.” But so far I’ve only seen two of them. And while I’m sure under the right circumstances their stench could kill a horse, I seriously doubt they’re solely to blame for the fog of stink I’m currently engulfed in. So what’s everyone else’s excuse, huh? Didn’t have time? Who doesn’t have the 18 seconds needed to take a full shower and brush your teeth?

Whatever happened to deodorant? Too capitalist? It is for me, but I happen to have fragrantless pits. If I were them, I’d be applying whatever didn’t spell like GG Allin’s ball sweat. Because let’s just say this show smells way more legendary than it is.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking right now. Is it possible that I’m the problem? Absolutely not! Just like I’m not the reason every gaming convention, gym locker room, and sewer I go to always smells like death. Now, if those smells are rubbing off on me then maybe I could conceivably smell less than pristine. But that’s what the monthly showers are for!

Dry Cleaner Calls David Byrne To Remind Him They’ve Had Giant Suit For 30 Years Now

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — A local dry cleaner called Talking Heads frontman David Byrne this morning informing him that they still have the giant suit he dropped off nearly 30 years ago, sources report.

“Yeah, I was going through the racks of unclaimed stuff and found this huge suit and thought it was weird because I remember some scrawny dude who seemed equal parts nervous and confident bringing it in decades ago,” remarked owner Pete Esposito. “It’s a nice suit and all so I figured he’d probably want it back and probably had a hell of a time wondering what happened. Plus, it’s been taking up the extra-wide, extra-tall garment rack, and it’s the only one we have like that. Anyway, I left him a voicemail.”

Byrne, when reached for comment, confirmed this version of events.

“Oh, yeah, the suit. I have a couple of those so I just must’ve forgotten to pick up that one,” the singer explained. “I think people are under the misconception that those are a regular part of my wardrobe, but I keep a healthy rotation of everyday items like shag carpet suits, and other monochromatic items cinched together. Usually, I keep those giant ones in storage, so that’s probably why I didn’t notice it was missing. Plus, getting those things pressed is a real pain in the balls, so it’s kind of one of those outta sight, outta mind things.”

“It’s not like I still wear them around the house or anything. That would be weird, right?” he added.

Music and fashion critics were quick to note that incidents such as this were not out of the norm.

“Musicians are just like the rest of us and occasionally forget things, clothing included,” noted fashion blogger, Heather Clark. “Particularly, these people are often eccentrics who own numerous garish and bizarre clothing items, so it’s probably more common to lose something like a giant suit or a dress made entirely out of raw meat. So to the average person, something that might stand out as missing would likely get lost in the pile for someone like David Byrne.”

At press time, the dry cleaner was asking if that weird European lady ever picked up her bird costume.

We Sat Down With Operation Ivy To Confirm Rumors of a Possible Reunion Between Me and My Ex

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Bobby Korec

As rumors continue to swirl of a long-awaited reunion, we sat down with the legendary ska-punk band “Operation Ivy” to ask some questions. While the break up may have been long ago, recent social media posts suggested a possible reconciliation and we were determined to get to the bottom of this. Anyway, here’s what Op Ivy had to say about the possibility of me and my ex getting back together.

The Hard Times: What an incredible honor. You can probably guess the one thing on everyone’s mind right now.

Operation Ivy: Oh yeah. We get this question all the time.

It’s a real “will they or won’t they” situation, isn’t it?

You could say that.

So let’s get right to it then. Are the rumors true? Is Brenda going to take me back after dumping me six months ago for that jerkoff Todd?

I’m sorry, what?

Just look at these text messages from last week. She basically said right here that she can’t stop thinking about me. She’s, like, so obsessed with me.

Looks like the text says she wants you to stop messaging her at two in the morning.

Ok, but do you at least think I have a shot at a “friends with benefits” type situation?

I think you should move on. It’s like how bands break up. Some get back together but most never do. Who knows? I wouldn’t get your hopes up. That’s not what music or relationships are about. Just get over it, dude.

So, no reunion sex?

Not looking good. But there is a possibility of you two going out in a group setting. Not getting back together or anything. But maybe going out to a bar and reliving some of the good times with a couple of mutual friends.

I gotta be honest that sounds kind of underwhelming.

Well that’s all we can promise you at the moment.

I understand. Hey, while I’ve got you all here, can you play “Energy” in its entirety?

Dumpster Diving Punks in Tennessee Slowly Becoming Most Literate, Multicultural Population in North America

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Tom K

ATHENS, Tenn. — Punks across Tennessee sifting through dumpsters for “perfectly good food” are inadvertently becoming the most well-educated people in America thanks to multiple statewide book bans, confirmed sources currently finishing Art Spiegelman’s Pulitzer-prize winning work “Maus.”

“What started as a routine once-over for day-old bagels turned into a journey of enlightenment, self-discovery, and a situatedness within my own lived experiences,” reports one such dumpster diver referred to only as Keek. “The books that this school throws away have changed the way I look at the world, history, everything. Maybe if some of these conservative congress members were allowed within 100 feet of a school, they’d find some of this stuff isn’t half bad.”

McMinn County Director of Schools, Lee Parkison, has weathered recent criticism on his bookshelf-to-receptacle pipeline, but has assured taxpayers he takes pride in being the cultural epicenter of the Athens vagabond population.

“I’m kind of a history buff. I learned about World War II just like everybody else did, by looking at statues, and I know for a fact that there were no mice in the Holocaust. This type of fiction, much like certain health textbooks we’ve banned that spout ludicrous fantasies of something called a ‘clitoris,’ does not belong in the modern classroom,” said Parkison. “However, any escapism we can donate to the less fortunate going through our garbage is just another example of our schools giving back to the community.”

Tennessee punks like Keek may be getting more of an opportunity than they realize, as the Library of Congress archive curation team has long held the Southern Rejected Literature genre in high regard.

“We often get jealous of Tennessee School Dumpster Collection,” said Dana Sanchez, who has been tasked with keeping track of each piece of media Tennessee lawmakers suddenly despise. “It’s very influential on the literature and film we end up saving for preservation in our own archives. We have a saying in academia, ‘to see the future, look in Tennessee’s trash.’ This can also be literally true when finding abandoned babies wrapped in discarded sex-ed curricula.”

At press time, Keek has teamed with Athens-area activism groups to start rumors that non-perishable, canned goods are “gender-affirming and woke” in order to facilitate donations to people experiencing homelessness.

Photo by Jana Miller

If Johnny Knoxville Can Still Do Jackass Movies, You Can Still Crush 20 Beers, Get In a Fight, and Pass Out in a Pool of Vomit

Posted on February 10, 2022 by David Arriaga

Hey old timer! Getting kind of up there in age, aren’t ya? Well that’s no reason to stay in tonight. You’re still young at heart! You can totally go out and do what you spent your 20s doing: getting blackout drunk, getting in a fight, and waking up covered in sticky, chunky success juice. Hell, if Johnny Knoxville can still make Jackass movies, what’s your excuse?

Despite the fact that in the next decade Johnny Knoxville will basically become his character from “Bad Grandpa,” he spent his downtime during the pandemic being shot out of a cannon. All we’re saying is if a 50-year-old man can still fight a bull with no training, you can still pick a fight with a much smaller guy in a bar. Just like you did in your 20s.

While you’re at it, now’s about the time to hit up your local skate shop and recapture your dream of being a pro skater. If Johnny Knoxville can almost die for our amusement in his 50s, the least you can do is try to finally land a 360 flip. This is best attempted after polishing off about 20 beers but before getting your ass kicked by that tiny guy at the bar. You’re still youthful but use some common sense.

After all that, you can proudly stumble back home, fire up a Jackass compilation on YouTube, and finish whatever booze you have left. Eventually, your body will reject your life decisions and send you stumbling to the bathroom to puke. You’ll wake up covered in your own vomit, feeling the pride that can only come from recapturing your youth. Your reckless, wasted youth.

Man Almost Comfortable Enough With New Guitar to Fart In Front of It

Posted on February 10, 2022 by John Danek

COOKEVILLE, Tenn. — Cautious guitarist Samuel Tollins is almost ready to fart near his new Fender American Professional II Stratocaster after three months of being together, supportive friends report.

“Well, this Stratocaster is my first American-made, professional-quality guitar so I didn’t want to rush things,” admitted Tollins, who botched previous relationships by getting too comfortable too soon with an Orange Tiny Terror amplifier, and a Digitech Whammy pedal. “I call her Darla, which is actually unrelated to my ex-girlfriend Darla. Seriously. Anyways, my cheap Epiphone SG has seen me at my worst so I know it won’t judge me: food poisoning, vomiting on my bed, etc. I’m almost ready to take the same plunge with my Darlacaster. I’ve been making excuses that I need to check something in my car for weeks, but I feel comfortable around it and think it might be time.”

Friends attempted to encourage Tollins with words of wisdom and tales of personal experience.

“Relationships come in many different varieties. I prefer to keep my relationships with my instruments sexy and classy, so I’ll never fart in front of my Stingray basses,” said Janice Owens, who puts her basses in their cases before burping. “But for some people like Samuel, doing gross stuff is endearing. I don’t personally get it, but maybe that’s just my Catholic upbringing. Good for him. But remember, once you fart in front of your guitar, there’s no turning back. It will never look at you the same.”

Musicologists weighed in on the pros and cons of getting too comfortable around your gear.

“It’s an important step in your relationship with your instruments—fart too early, and it will judge you as a disgusting slob forever,” said Dr. Taylor Yard, professor of music at University of Tennessee. “But wait too long, and you’ll never be able to feel truly comfortable at home. You’ll be sneaking to the bathroom to fart, or changing behind a privacy screen like 18th-century royalty just to avoid the judgment of the guitars, basses, and drum kits who should provide you with happiness and joy.”

As of press time, Tollins has reportedly made the decision to break the ice and wind tonight with a last-minute trip to Taco Bell.

You either Die a Scene Legend or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become the Merch Guy

Posted on February 10, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

When determining the most admired person at a local show, it could easily come down to a toss-up between the front man and the bartender. The least respected might be more easily identified as the Merch Guy. The man who sits behind a wonky table, hoping someone might convince themselves that they need a Fever Krust t-shirt and throw him a crumpled note to put in his little red tin.

How do you go from being the life and soul of the scene to the dead-behind-the-eyes pile of beard hawking crap at the back of the room? Joe ‘Pockets’ McGill knows all too well…

The Hard Times: Hey man! We almost didn’t see you there. How’s business?
Merch Guy: Some guy who wanted to buy a wristband just asked me if I take card so I had to spit on his shoe. I’d call it a busy night.

Tell us, how does a guy like you land this job anyway?
I used to be a name around here, people knew me. Pockets they’d call me, because during every show people would throw so much beer on me that I’d drink it from my pockets at the end of the night.

That’s… awesome.
Our shows were always packed. We really thought we were gonna make it big, y’know? Then, all of a sudden, the younger, tamer bands started drawing bigger crowds. Before I knew it, I was only getting on stage if they needed a hand setting up their 13 guitar pedals.

Did you enjoy being a roadie?
I definitely liked swapping out the drummers’ ride cymbal for an extra crash, just to see them squirm when they’d accidentally make some actual noise. But once I hit 60, all that heavy lifting had really done a number on my back. It was fucked up man but all I really wanted was a spot to sit down.

And you decided to step down to a Merch Guy position?
Nobody “chooses” this shit it just happens. I found a chair in the back and sat for one of the shows. Suddenly the band had a table set up in front of me and expected me to guard a tin of cash during their set. I took that responsibility seriously and sealed my fate as the merch guy.

Do you have any advice for any aspiring merch guy out there?
If there is anyone reading this who actually wants to do this job, I would urge you to re- evaluate your life choices. I could be living it up with a wife and pension at this stage of my life but instead I sit here and try to sell enough t-shirts so that I can get a pack of PBR and some Advil at the end of the night. I don’t even enjoy the shows anymore, not since lead singers stopped spittin’.

Well, thanks for talking with us, it has been a pleasure.
Hey, aren’t you gonna buy something? I just spilled my guts to you!

Sorry, Fever Krust just finished their set and I would really like to interview someone that people might actually want to read about.
Swine!

Okay I guess I wouldn’t mind shilling out for a t-shirt.
That’s more like it.

Do you take cards?

You can find Joe ‘Pockets’ McGill at a little table at the back of most shows in Electric Avenue on 5 th Street. If you pay him a visit, we recommend bringing cash.