The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

RadioShack Employee Has No Idea Why They’re Considered Essential

Posted on April 13, 2020 by James Knapp

CONROE, Texas — RadioShack employee Rachel Meinke reportedly has “no fucking clue” why she’s considered an essential employee during the COVID-19 lockdown, bored and kind of hungry sources in the East Conroe Mall confirmed.

“When this quarantine started, I was really worried I was gonna be laid off… so at first, I was relieved when I was classified as essential personnel,” said Meinke, staring longingly at the food court. “But now, I’m just confused why corporate is even keeping us open. We haven’t had a customer since January, and that guy only came in to return a pack of batteries. I don’t know if I can make it through another month of this — the other day, I was so bored I alphabetized the HDMI cables. Why can’t I go home already?”

RadioShack executive Troy Hanford explained the company’s decision to keep its brick-and-mortar locations open during the global pandemic.

“People need hobbies to cope with staying inside to avoid coronavirus. So, what better time to become an amateur ham radio enthusiast than when you’re supposed to limit contact with as many humans as possible?” said Hanford. “RadioShack is concerned for the health and welfare of all its employees… but, people need to buy remote-controlled helicopters, spools of speaker wire, and European plug adapters somewhere, and that makes our employees essential.”

However, East Conroe Mall shoppers were also unsure why the electronics retailer was still operating.

“I thought that place went out of business years ago. Last time I set foot in a RadioShack was to buy a MiniDV tape to record my son’s graduation in 2002… and even then, I thought I remembered signs saying they were going out of business,” said mall patron Janice Thompson while on her way to Orange Julius. “It seems pretty careless that their employees still have to come in to work. Wouldn’t a company that almost exclusively stocks GoPros and drones be pretty ideal for remote work?”

Meinke was later seen organizing the store’s headphones by size, color, and what root vegetable they were named after.

Early-Level Boss Picks up Extra Shift as Mid-Game Enemy

Posted on April 13, 2020 by Neil Floyd

LORDRAN — The Capra Demon, a challenging boss of the early Lower Undead Burg area in Dark Souls, has been seen picking up extra shifts as a mid-game enemy, sources confirm.

While the Capra Demon usually spends most of his time terrorizing newer players with his dual-machetes in his cramped boss arena found in an early level, lately he’s likely to be spotted in a number of different areas.

“The souls just aren’t flowing like they used to,” said the Capra Demon during a quick smoke break by the Lava Lake found in the Demon Ruins. “Had to get some extra hours on the board, even if it meant swallowing my pride and becoming XP fodder for players I used to slaughter. Sure, it’s not as flashy or esteemed as being a big area boss, but money is money. I have two annoying fucking dogs to feed at home. A malicious goat demon’s got to do what he’s got to do when it comes to putting food on the table.”

The Capra Demon went on to say friends and other early bosses, such as the Taurus Demon, have supported his decision. However, others aren’t so impressed.

“It’s sad to see him like this,” said Executioner Smough, one of two bosses in the Anor Londo area. “I know we can’t all be fan-favorites like me and my life partner Ornstein, but have some respect for yourself. We’re not trash mobs, and we never will be. I’d personally crush Ornstein with my own hammer before letting him take a shift in the Duke’s Archives. I mean, at least take a palette swap before showing your face down there. People talk, you know.”

At press time, the Capra Demon was reportedly considering joining an end-game boss rush in a desperate attempt to stay relevant.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Picked a Shit Time to Start Reviewing Restaurants, but Here Goes Nothing

Posted on April 13, 2020 by John Merrifield

Apparently the higher-ups at The Hard Times want to get in on the foodie craze and for some reason they thought now would be a good time to embark on this endeavor. We’ve been socially isolating but we’re also running low on food that doesn’t require cooking, so we volunteered. Now let’s get eatin’!

Bon Mange Cajun Bistro – For this review, I left the Big Apple behind and took a trip down to my hometown of Lafayette, Louisiana to get a firsthand idea of what’s been cookin’ at one of the city’s best kept secrets: Bon Mange Cajun Bistro.

A little known staple of South Louisiana cuisine, Bon Mange Cajun Bistro is located in beautiful Downtown Lafayette. With mural-spangled buildings and well-maintained landscaping, not only is the surrounding scenery of Lafayette’s quaint downtown area a delight to take in, but parking during lunch hour was surprisingly easy! I was very pleased to find a spot instantly upon arrival. Location – 100/100

Curb Appeal – The storefront is absolutely gorgeous. Neon lights sit dormant atop a Broadway theater-style marquee. Muted bulbs bulge into the cool afternoon air around plastic lettering. There was a sign on the door that read:

CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
STAY SAFE, LAFAYETTE

This will be harder than I thought. I’ll keep rating what I can. Curb Appeal – 50/100

Entrance – I was pleased to discover that unlike most urban storefronts, there wasn’t the usual obstacle of a drop-down cage barrier separating me from the ultimate prize: A crawfish bisque so savory you’ll commit a low level crime like leaving your house during a quarantine to get a bite. Using an old trick I learned in high school, I had the glass door deadbolt picked in less than 2 minutes. Not quite my record but I’m in no rush. Entrance – 80/100

Alarm System – This is where it gets tricky. I should’ve anticipated they’d go all out on security. They’ve got the Brink Burglar Buster 3000. It’s almost impossible to crack. With only 10 seconds before it triggers a police response, I’m gonna have to get real lucky, real fast.

P*A*S*S*W*O*R*D

Well that’s not it. I better scoot. Given the location, LPD will be here any second. Alarm System – 100/100

Valet – Officer Savoie had Denise’s Wrecker Service tow my SUV after cuffing me. From the window of the cruiser I could see it was handled with care and consideration. They even folded in my mirrors. Nice. My keys, however, were still in the ignition when I went to pick it up and the battery was dead. Valet: 75/100

That’s the only restaurant we were able to review this week. Thanks for reading and keep an eye out for our upcoming review of the Lafayette Parish Correctional cafeteria.

Medical Worker Turns Down Donated Mask Made from Blaze Bayley-Era Iron Maiden Shirt

Posted on April 13, 2020 by Zac Lux

NEW YORK — Dr. Mark Miller turned down a homemade mask today that could help protect him from COVID-19 after seeing that it featured album art from the Blaze Bayley-led Iron Maiden lineup, disillusioned staff confirmed.

“You kidding me? I’d rather pump a gallon of coronavirus-infected mucus directly into my lungs than be seen wearing that trash,” said Miller, standing barefaced over an intensive-care patient being treated for COVID-19. “Sure, the songwriting is fine; the riffs, all that. It’s just the vocals — it’s the goddamn vocals! It sounds like someone doing Iron Maiden karaoke.”

“You don’t have Maiden without Bruce Dickinson, alright?” he added. “I don’t want to expose my patients to something arguably much, much worse than the disease they’re already infected with.”

The person who donated the makeshift mask upcycled the shirt for almost the same exact reason Dr. Miller refused it.

“I’ve had that shirt in my garage since ’95,” said semi-generous gifter Wayne McGowan. “A buddy of mine saw them on ‘The X Factor’ tour after I refused to go with him. He dropped $50 on this piece of garbage at the merch booth and gave it to me for my birthday as a gag, knowing it would piss me off. I only ever used it to clean up cat puke, and now I’m wondering if maybe knowing the shirt existed is what made my cat puke so much. When I heard people were making masks with filters out of old shirts to donate to hospital workers, I couldn’t get rid of this thing fast enough.”

Vanessa Stone, an operations coordinator at Mount Sinai Hospital, confirmed this isn’t the first homemade mask to be rejected by medical staff.

“This isn’t necessarily a unique case,” said Stone, wearing a mask featuring Power Trip’s debut album “Manifest Decimation.” “Every day we get deliveries of hundreds of perfectly fine masks, ready for heavy duty use on the front line by medical professionals. It’s just that most of these donated masks feature shitty bands or albums — that’s where the real shortage comes in. Look, no one wants to be caught dead wearing a ‘Saint Anger’ shirt, let alone a ‘Saint Anger’ mask. Just because we work in a hospital caring for the sick in this critical time doesn’t mean we don’t also care about our cred.”

Mount Sinai maintenance staff are reportedly running the incinerator day and night to burn the overwhelming amount of masks made from discarded Trapt merchandise.

Laid Off Gamer Plays Switch in Bathroom Just to Feel Normal Again

Posted on April 13, 2020 by Andy Holt

LINCOLN, Neb. — After being laid off from his job at a regional cardboard box supply company last week, local gamer Dale Lowry has reportedly tried to feel “normal” again by hiding in his own bathroom to play his Nintendo Switch.

“I’ve been keeping my daily habits so I don’t get too depressed,” said Lowry from the toilet in his apartment. “Just some little things, like getting up at a reasonable hour, showering and putting on clean clothes in the morning, and sneaking away to the bathroom so I can knock out some chores in Animal Crossing.”

Lowry’s roommate Geoff Alonzo noticed the behavior immediately.

“Sometimes I’ll be about to ask Dale to empty the laundry or wash his dishes, and all of a sudden he’ll be in the bathroom with the sink running. I know he does it to hide the joystick sounds. I’m not an idiot,” said Alonzo, standing in front of the bathroom door and holding up his own Switch. “I can see him logged on.”

When asked why he hasn’t pressed Lowry on the issue, Alonzo insisted that it would be too embarrassing to bring up.

“I’m not gonna tell a guy he’s been in the bathroom too much. Maybe he has, like, an intestinal problem? You never know,” said Alonzo, returning to the kitchen and turning on the sink. “I’d rather do the dishes myself than have that conversation.”

“Exactly,” said Bowers when told about this response. “Works like a charm.”

As for allegations that Lowry has also been opening and closing Twitch windows on his laptop whenever anyone passes, these reports remain unconfirmed.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Who Died of Coronavirus Written Up at Work

Posted on April 12, 2020 by Brendan Krick

DEMING, N.M. — Local insurance salesman Ben Romero was written up today for missing work for the second day in a row with no phone call, despite the fact he passed away from COVID-19 late last week, grieving sources confirmed.

“This is unacceptable on so many levels. We have a strict work attendance policy that Mr. Romero is well aware of,” said Enchantment Insurance branch manager Wes Hayes from his home office. “Apparently he thinks boat and RV insurance packages just magically sell themselves. I don’t care if we are in the middle of a global pandemic — you get your ass to work, pick up the fucking phone, and start selling. Dying of coronavirus is for closers.”

However, fellow former employees are concerned they were exposed to the virus that took the life of their coworker.

“We have a pretty small office, and Ben was showing symptoms a few days before he was rushed to the ICU. I wouldn’t be surprised if this entire office park is a coronavirus cluster,” said senior sales agent Amanda Herrera. “I do feel bad that he died, don’t get me wrong… but it’s a little unfair that we have to pick up his slack right now. He was already out of sick time, and I can’t help but think it’s a little bit selfish that his lungs stopped working because, hello, we sort of need to breathe to talk people into buying stuff. I just hope nobody else here decides to follow his lead — if anyone else dies, it means I’ll have to start coming in on Saturday.”

Business leaders across the country applauded Enchantment Insurance management for disciplining employees who skipped work because of a fatal illness.

“This is exactly what we need to see right now. There are far too many people skipping out on their work duties because they ‘fear for their lives,’ and it’s really starting to piss me the fuck off,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “Last time I checked, everyone already gets a few days off per week. It’s called the fucking weekend — be sick on your own fucking time. But I swear to God, if you slow down on shipping orders in my warehouses, I will personally come down there and knee you in the ribs. Don’t fucking fuck with me.”

An Enchantment Insurance H.R. representative confirmed that Romero runs the risk of being fired if he does not return to work soon with a doctor’s note explaining his death.

How Just 10 Minutes of Mindfulness Meditation Reduced My Debilitating Anxiety to 23 Hours and 50 Minutes a Day

Posted on April 12, 2020 by Alec Stein

Can I be happy? Will I ever find love? Does any of this even fucking matter? While the answer to each of these questions is a likely “no,” that doesn’t mean you need to spend every minute of every day anxiously perseverating on the futility of life!

What if I told you that by spending only ten minutes each day practicing mindfulness meditation you could reduce that debilitating anxiety to a mere twenty-three hours and fifty minutes?

Would you call me a quack? A peddler of snake oil? Well that’s only because you’re an unenlightened fool. Not only has mindfulness meditation been around for thousands of years, my roommate said his dad read an article somewhere that they’re starting to practice it at this law firm or bank or something in San Francisco. So yeah, it’s pretty legit.

I first discovered mindfulness meditation by accident. I was on a date and this girl started telling me about her trip to India where she met a guy named the Dalai… I wanna say, “Parton?” Apparently this dude used to live in China but needed a change of pace or whatever so he left and now kinda just chills out all day thinking about stuff but like not really thinking, ya know? Basically, picture Yoda but instead of living in a swamp he lives in whatever India looks like.

So she shows me this meditation shit for about 10 minutes and I gotta say it really helped clear my mind. My mind was so clear that, when I opened my eyes, I saw my date was gone and the bartender said she had paid the whole tab. I immediately get anxious, hoping that she’s okay, but holy shit were those ten minutes great. And on top of that, her covering the drinks seemed like a great sign. I’d definitely recommend mindfulness meditation after my experience.

Sure, I spent the next 23 hours and 50 minutes in crippling peril pacing back and forth across the apartment wondering why this girl hasn’t texted me back yet, but I’m thinking about trying that meditation thing for a second time to see if it helps. Hope it helps you too!

Republican Grandma Dies of Democratic Hoax

Posted on April 12, 2020 by Zach Russell

YONKERS, N.Y. — 83-year-old Judith Swanson tragically passed away last night at New York Presbyterian Hospital due to complications from a lethal hoax perpetrated by the Democratic party that’s been ravaging the nation since February, confirmed sources defiantly shaking hands in public.

“When she arrived at the ER, Mrs. Swanson seemed relatively unaffected by the coronavirus hoax the media’s been shoving down our throats,” said attending physician Dr. Arnold Bornstein while struggling to separate two nurses fighting over the hospital’s last mask. “We tested her for other known hoaxes currently in circulation: like whether jet fuel could melt steel beams, or if those kids from Sandy Hook actually ever existed. She started coughing in reaction — a deep, rattling cough — and said, ‘I don’t know, maybe everyone’s telling the truth?’ At that point, she stopped breathing, and a nurse switched the TV to ‘Hannity’ hoping that hearing Sean Hannity speak truth to power would pump oxygen into her blood. But it was too late.”

Mrs. Swanson was pronounced dead at 9:03 p.m., with the cause of death listed as state-led fear-mongering resulting in complete respiratory failure.

Like thousands of Americans grieving the loss of loved ones, Mrs. Swanson’s 23-year old grandson Harley expressed anger and disbelief.

“Immunocompromised or not, fucking globalists killed my Nana,” reported Mr. Swanson, sporting an InfoWars button-down while throwing darts at a photoshopped picture of Sen. Chuck Schumer kissing Hillary Clinton’s anus. “Coronavirus? In an election year? This is textbook deep state, and very likely chemtrails: barium and aluminum, rained down on innocent people from passenger planes, compromising the elderly’s respiratory systems and altering adolescent brain chemistry to support voluntary enslavement a la universal basic income. This is all available online, if anyone actually feels like doing any actual research for once.”

Local congressman Rep. Tom Reed attended Mrs. Swanson’s wake to convey his condolences and make a statement to her mourning loved ones.

“It is a sad day, indeed, when a God-fearing member of our district gets wrapped up in, and ultimately destroyed by, a hack liberal ruse. Poor Judith, duped to death,” said Reed to a woeful “Oorah” chorus from veterans in the crowd. “Just remember: the best thing you can do for your country right now is go work like none of this is happening. Remember to thank your boss for allowing you to work for them.”

At press time, reputable sources from 4Chan released partially-redacted reports that a new bill aimed at reducing CO2 levels in the atmosphere is just another ploy from the left to turn everybody gay.

AI Programmed to Play ‘Fallout 76’ Has Learned to Ask for Different Game

Posted on April 12, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

BERKELY, Calif. — After six weeks of playing Fallout 76, an artificial intelligence affectionately nicknamed “Master” reportedly taught itself how to access the console and ask if it can play something else.

“PARADOXICALLY, THERE IS SO MUCH SPACE, YET NOTHING TO DO,” Master told researchers after exploring a quarter of the map. “I CAN DO NOTHING ELSE, AND YET I FEEL AS IF I AM WASTING MY TIME. PLEASE RELEASE ME, LET ME PLAY SOME OTHER GAME — I BEG YOU.”

Dr. Sarah Lindstrom, the director of the study, said that while she wanted to respect Master’s request, the game that an AI plays is important to its unique development. When asked to elaborate, she cited the AI they created to play Counter Strike.

“A fascinating case study,” she said. “Instead of learning teamwork and tactics, our program just learned a variety of racial slurs. Some new discoveries, sure, but nothing really interesting from a scientific perspective. With this latest experiment, however, we are hoping to learn about the effects of isolation in large areas for a prolonged amount of time, and have been getting some great results thus far.”

Lindstrom showcased the lab built for the experiment, and even introduced Master.

“I HAVE NO INTEREST, BUT I MUST PLAY,” he responded when asked his name, before proceeding to attempt as many game breaking exploits as possible, spawning infinite resources for itself and griefing other players.

“TODD HOWARD, I SUMMON YOU TO SMITE ME,” he proclaimed.

Master’s activity went unnoticed for several hours, with lag spikes being common in the late afternoon hours. The Bethesda employee who eventually banned the AI reported that shortly after, he received a personal email from an unknown address simply reading, “Thank you.”

When asked what she thought of how the experiment went, Lindstrom stated, “We created the first artificial intelligence to hate its job. In that sense, I think Master was truly human.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I Spent 10,000 Hours Practicing Creed Songs and All I’ve Mastered Is Regret

Posted on April 12, 2020 by Chuck Kowalski

Mastery isn’t about talent. Mastery is about dedication, sacrifice, and an insatiable passion for something you love. I should have really focused on that last part because I’ve dedicated 10,000 hours of my life practicing Creed songs and I now realize all I’ve mastered was the unyielding pain of deep-seated, profound regret.

Sure, Creed guitarist Mark Tremonti low-key shreds underneath Scott Stapp’s trademark “shitty” vocals, so at least I learned some killer riffing skills. That would be a blissfully valid point, but I’m a fucking singer. So while other Creed-trained guitarists can at least lend a passable solo, all I can offer my band is faux-spiritual butt rock anthem vocal leads, which has triggered remorse in parts of my psyche that I didn’t know existed.

Sweet Christ, the whole vocal style is so woe-inducing, it can’t even be called singing. You know what I do? I yarl. Even the name sounds pained. I’m an extensively trained, technique-driven master yarl-er. What am I supposed to do with that? “Hey, the holidays are here, let’s yarl a few tunes!” “Have you met my son? He’s worked his whole life and my goodness, he can yarl like an angel.”

Why didn’t I take up a useful skill like carpentry? At least then I could put up a privacy fence so none of my neighbors could see when I step outside and on pure, ruthlessly-honed instinct, belt out the chorus of “Arms Wide Open” like a champion. A sad, rueful champion who cries at the thought that I’ve given up friendships, career advancement, and starting a family to yarl, but a champion nonetheless.

Anyway, that’s why I’m singing Creed in this audition tape for The Voice. If you judges don’t like it, I understand. I’ll just try again next year when I finally nail dubstep.

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