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RadioShack Employee Has No Idea Why They’re Considered Essential

CONROE, Texas — RadioShack employee Rachel Meinke reportedly has “no fucking clue” why she’s considered an essential employee during the COVID-19 lockdown, bored and kind of hungry sources in the East Conroe Mall confirmed.

“When this quarantine started, I was really worried I was gonna be laid off… so at first, I was relieved when I was classified as essential personnel,” said Meinke, staring longingly at the food court. “But now, I’m just confused why corporate is even keeping us open. We haven’t had a customer since January, and that guy only came in to return a pack of batteries. I don’t know if I can make it through another month of this — the other day, I was so bored I alphabetized the HDMI cables. Why can’t I go home already?”

RadioShack executive Troy Hanford explained the company’s decision to keep its brick-and-mortar locations open during the global pandemic.

“People need hobbies to cope with staying inside to avoid coronavirus. So, what better time to become an amateur ham radio enthusiast than when you’re supposed to limit contact with as many humans as possible?” said Hanford. “RadioShack is concerned for the health and welfare of all its employees… but, people need to buy remote-controlled helicopters, spools of speaker wire, and European plug adapters somewhere, and that makes our employees essential.”

However, East Conroe Mall shoppers were also unsure why the electronics retailer was still operating.

“I thought that place went out of business years ago. Last time I set foot in a RadioShack was to buy a MiniDV tape to record my son’s graduation in 2002… and even then, I thought I remembered signs saying they were going out of business,” said mall patron Janice Thompson while on her way to Orange Julius. “It seems pretty careless that their employees still have to come in to work. Wouldn’t a company that almost exclusively stocks GoPros and drones be pretty ideal for remote work?”

Meinke was later seen organizing the store’s headphones by size, color, and what root vegetable they were named after.