The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Trump Displays Overflowing Basket After Demolishing “Low IQ Kids” in Easter Egg Hunt on White House Lawn

Posted on April 12, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump showcased his overflowing Easter basket earlier today after outperforming “low IQ” children during the annual Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn.

“First off, I just want to thank all of the kids that came out today on this momentous day of the birth of Jesus. Sure, they couldn’t find an egg to save their lives, but thankfully I was here to find the eggs — all the eggs, even a big gold egg that had a Reese’s Big Cup inside,” said Trump at a post-event debrief. “I’m one of the world’s best egg hunters, everyone knows this. This event was perfect — just like the transcripts, another perfect day for me. Next year — and there will be a next year — I just hope they bring in kids who can actually challenge me. I’m going to get a stomach ache eating all this candy.”

However, children claimed the President gained the upper hand deceitfully.

“It was like, kind of like, hard, because there were like these big men standing next to the eggs… and every time I got near one, they’d block me from grabbing it. One guy even stepped on my hand and it hurt so bad I thought it was going to fall off,” said five-year-old Skyler Dodge. “Another time, I almost had an egg in my basket when Mr. Trump came out of nowhere and knocked me down and took the egg. It’s not fair. I want to go home.”

For their part, Trump supporters applauded the President for his impressive egg hunting display.

“This just proves that Trump is a man that gets things done. I don’t remember seeing Obama or Clinton finding any eggs — they had these kids running circles around them, and it’s no wonder this country went to shit,” said local parent Kenny Dubornay while sporting a MAGA hat and shirt. “I saw a lot of kids on the news crying because Trump ‘stole all the eggs.’ Well, that’s life, kid: you don’t just get everything handed to you. Try working harder, and stop feeling so entitled to government candy.”

At press time, Trump was attempting to break his own personal record of fitting 11 Cadbury Eggs in his mouth at once.

Mario Can’t Get Resume Under 10 Pages

Posted on April 12, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local Brooklynite Mario Mario was reportedly unable to get his resume under 10 pages following a bout of unemployment due to the coronavirus pandemic.

“Plumber? It’s a me. Doctor? It’s a me. Boxing referee? It’s a me. Professional tennis player, soccer player, baseball player, golfer, go-kart driver? It’s all a me,” Mario said, according to those familiar with the situation. “And those are just the a-ones people know about from my games. Not a lot of people would want to a-play Substitute Teacher Mario or Sous Chef Mario or Selling A Little Bit Of Weed To Make Ends Meet Mario.”

“I have so much experience and I will do a-literally anything,” Mario added. “I just want to a-get a new job and keep working so I can support my a-stupid brother, Luigi.”

According to close sources, Mario was let go from his job as an adventurer by the Mushroom Kingdom royal family due to not being an essential employee during the pandemic.

“No one’s going outside so princesses aren’t really getting kidnapped at the moment. It just didn’t make sense for us to have a full time princess-rescuer on our payroll anymore,” explained a member of the royal family who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s a sad thing, but what can you do? We’ve lost so much of our wealth because of the coins we leave around the Mushroom Kingdom, either in boxes or just laying around. We did set up a GoFundMe for Mario though.”

At press time, Mario was reportedly deciding whether to put “Became Paper” under “Additional Skills” or as its own former position.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Undercover Boss Pretty Pissed He Asked Self to Come Into Work During Pandemic

Posted on April 11, 2020 by Kevin Tit

LAS VEGAS — “Undercover Boss” and Biscotti Pizza CEO Alex Prescott is pretty pissed he risked his own well-being when he asked himself to come into work during the coronavirus pandemic, multiple annoyed coworkers confirmed.

“This is bullshit. People are dying all over the world, and I gotta come into work to make some fucking pizzas,” said the billionaire moonlighting as pizza maker Trevor Samuels for the hit reality show “Undercover Boss.” “I risk my life every day I walk outside to get into my Porsche and drive down to the shop. I tried to call out, but my manager wouldn’t let me take the day off because we’re short staffed and she’s been working 80-hour weeks, ‘all because that bastard Mr. Prescott refuses to close the stores.’ I’m so sick of the constant excuses. I deserve better than this.”

Prescott wasn’t the only employee frustrated with the situation he himself created.

“He won’t shut the fuck up, and it’s driving me insane,” exclaimed general manager Rachelle Adamson. “We all know exactly who ‘Trevor’ really is, and he’s the only fucking reason any of us are still coming into work. You think I don’t want to be home with my family right now? I don’t know how he thought dying his hair green and wearing glasses was going to fool anybody. I’ve had a high fever coupled with body aches for the past three days. If he complains about our lack of healthcare one more time, I’m gonna fucking kill this asshole.”

Meanwhile, state officials have limited the operation of various local businesses.

“All non-essential businesses have already been closed down,” Nevada Gov. Steve Sisolak explained. “Yes, we’ve allowed some food establishments to keep operating under a ‘pick up and delivery’ rule, but we’ve personally reached out to Mr. Prescott and pleaded that he temporarily close his store. He kept insisting his name was ‘Trevor’ and that he agrees and wishes there was more he could do to help… and then boarded a private helicopter and flew away.”

Prescott was last seen walking into Biscotti’s Pizza wearing a head-to-toe Gucci Hazmat suit.

Essential Strip Club Retrofits Sprinkler System With Purell

Posted on April 11, 2020 by Ashley Naftule

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local strip club The Devil’s Crutch displayed their commitment to public health yesterday by retrofitting their sprinkler system with Purell following its recent designation as an “essential business” by city officials.

“A few years back we tried replacing the water in our sprinklers with Astroglide, so this wasn’t a huge technical hassle for us,” said club manager Steve Scrilla. “Doing this is a slam dunk for the club: it’s good for the customers, good for the talent, and it’ll save us a fortune on baby wipes. And to further ensure the safety of our dancers, we’re trying to eliminate paper money, but we haven’t figured out a way for customers to throw digital currency at the performers yet.”

Timed to release a cascade of bacteria-annihilating Purell every 15 minutes or five lap dances, whichever comes first, the new system has made the full-nude strip club the “slipperiest and most hygienic” adult entertainment venue in the Pacific Northwest.

“The new system has definitely brought us some piece of mind as frontline, bottoms-off workers in this pandemic crisis,” said erotic dancer Lydia Clementine. “But it’s also made our jobs a lot harder. We have to wear safety goggles so the Purell doesn’t get in our eyes, and we’ve had to switch from stiletto heels to sandals to keep from slipping-and-sliding out there. And we have to buy body glitter by the barrel now, because the sanitizer keeps taking it off.”

The sprinkler system isn’t the only health-conscious change at the club: DJs must use yellow rubber gloves when handling the soundboard, and bouncers now use 6-ft. animal control poles to eject rowdy patrons from the establishment.

“I come to a girlie bar to get a little dirty — the good kind of dirty that can ruin your marriage and make your pud stink like Gene Simmons, not the kind that makes you spit gallons of blood like Gene Simmons,” said strip club connoisseur Mike “Outcall” Cranston. “So I appreciate this club’s commitment to letting me get my perv on without fear of getting COVID-19.”

Despite the system’s success, management is reportedly unsure how to address complaints that the Purell sprinkler system has “reflavored” the club’s popular chicken wing buffet.

Gamer Nostalgic for Earlier Today

Posted on April 11, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. — A local gamer has released a statement outlining how much he pines for the simpler, purer era of several hours earlier today.

“This morning was really special, I just didn’t realize it,” said Marty Thacker, a 29 year old video game enthusiast. “Maybe it was because I was still a little sleepy still, but I did not appreciate just how fulfilling today’s breakfast and morning Judge Judy rerun were. They should really replay that sometime, instead of all this prime time bullshit they keep cranking out.”

Several friends of Thacker’s said he has a tendency of romanticizing the recent past at the expense of the current moment.

“Doesn’t matter where Marty is or what he is doing,” said a long time friend Tracy Chambers. “Things were always better a little while ago, and we need to revisit that. Even though in two weeks he’ll be talking about how great the thing he was complaining about two weeks ago was. It’s complete nonsense and I am sick of it. I spent years trying to get him to play Castle Crashers, and he wouldn’t dare touch my 360. Now, he calls it a ‘wonderful throwback to the golden era of couch co-op games.’ What an asshole.”

In an effort to recreate the early morning hours he yearns for, Thacker has been watching Judge Judy reruns on YouTube and has eaten nothing but Rice Krispies in the subsequent afternoon and evening generations that followed the morning.

“I’m glad you can find all of these episodes online, but it’s not the same as when it was on broadcast TV earlier today,” he said. “These episodes just watch better on a TV screen in my living room than on some sketchy internet upload. And I love Rice Krispies, but I’m starting to wonder if eating them all day every day is the best way to celebrate that.”

As of press time, Cramer has issued a second press release asking the media if they remembered that time he put out that first press release.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Bassist on Zoom Still Hasn’t Realized He’s Muted

Posted on April 11, 2020 by Chuck Kowalski

ELKINS, W.Va. — Country Chodes bass player Jared Cole doesn’t realize his bandmates have had him muted for almost the entirety of their rehearsal held over the video conferencing app Zoom, sources giving an occasional thumbs-up to appease him confirm.

“Going on 84 minutes now,” said frontman Shawn Miller, sharing a screen of a Google Doc titled “Jared’s Awesome Ideas” to keep Cole busy while the others talked. “He mostly seems to be trying his ‘sick’ new bass lines… though there was a good 25 minutes where he was just working away at that adult coloring book we got him. We considered giving him a 10-minute window to talk any nonsense out of his system, but the second he pitched a song called ‘Coronacaust,’ we revoked that privilege for the good of the order.”

According to Cole’s roommate Katie McCullers, the 32-year-old has grown accustomed to being the center of disinterest over the years.

“Jared is so used to it, he now apologizes before answering a question you’ve directly asked him,” she said. “In fact, I think it took about six months of therapy just to get him to stop instinctively responding to his name with ‘root notes only, don’t fuck it up — got it.’ I guess that’s the kind of thing that happens when your mom finds your valedictorian speech so boring she re-uses the tape to record an episode of ‘According to Jim.’”

For his part, Cole seemed to confuse the band’s stonewalling for a positive change in attitude.

“I think this distance is changing the dynamic of our practice,” he said. “I’ve counted no fewer than seven head nods and three thumbs-up, so things are looking up. I bet by hour two or three of this meeting, these guys might even ask my opinion on something important… like whether I should turn my amp on, or be allowed to make direct eye contact into the camera.”

As of press time, Cole’s drink had spilled onto his amp and power strip, causing a small electrical fire. He has allegedly refused to scream out for his bandmates to call 9-1-1, however, because he didn’t want to “be rude and interrupt.”

Jim Carrey Seen Wearing Mask to Get Groceries

Posted on April 11, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus to those in a local Trader Joe’s, actor and comedian Jim Carrey was seen wearing a green mask that covered his whole face and turned him into a mischievous gangster with superpowers.

“I’m not wearing any gloves! Ooh, somebody stopppp me,” Carrey exclaimed, holding a package of frozen multigrain rice, his arms stretched out down the aisle. “It’s grocery time. G, R, O, C, E, R. Y? Because I… gotta!”

According to those at the grocery store, patrons were generally unhappy to see the celebrity causing mayhem.

“I waited three hours in line outside in the rain to get in here and buy some eggs. I love Jim Carrey, but this isn’t the time to be running around the store, spinning around and all that,” said 49-year-old Marsha Velasquez, her voice muffled through a cloth mask. “I was going to pick up the last package of smoked salmon and then Jim came at me in a tornado and snatched it. You know exactly what he said next. Don’t make me say it.”

After a long pause and a sigh, Velasquez continued, “smmmoookkkinnn.”

Trader Joe’s employees were forced to remove Carrey from the premises after he failed to remain six feet away from other customers or stop doing impressions of old movie quotes at them.

“Like six or seven employees have gotten the rona so far, and it’s just heartbreaking to see people not taking this seriously,” said cashier Tim Bray. “People aren’t staying six feet apart and a lot of people aren’t wearing proper masks. If your mask isn’t covering your nose, you’re not doing it right. If your mask isn’t tight enough, you’re not doing it right. If your mask actually gives you an evil bigger mouth than you had before and the ability to cartoonify your surroundings, you’re not doing it right.”

As of press time, those in the Trader Joe’s reportedly felt momentary relief quickly fade when someone noticed that Jamie Kennedy had entered the store.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Final Fantasy VII Remake’s Easy Mode Is Way Too Easy and Its Hard Mode Is Way Too Hard

Posted on April 10, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

Once upon a time there was a game called Final Fantasy VII Remake. I booted up the game and saw on the start menu there were three difficulty settings.

First, I selected Easy Mode. Boy was I in for a surprise. Who would have thought something called Easy Mode would be easy? Felt like a walk in the forest. A series known for its tactical combat reduced to a mere button masher. This mode is too easy!

Second, I attempted Hard Mode. This mode was overwhelmingly difficult — removing the ability to use items whatsoever in or out of combat. No potions. Nothing. The normal battle meta is thrown out the window for something mind-numbingly frustrating. I don’t understand how anyone could find fun with this. It’s just too hard!

Then finally, I tried the last difficulty setting — Normal Mode. Wow. What a mode. This average difficulty balances everything. When facing powerful boss battles, you need to juggle normal and special attacks, destructive and healing magics, and strategically exploit enemy weaknesses. It’s a challenge for sure, but never feels cheap and it is very rewarding to beat. This mode feels just right.

Now I just hope the family of bears who own this PlayStation 4 don’t find out I’ve broken into their home and started playing their new game!

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Woman Diagnosed With COVID-19, Multiple Types of Rare Cancer by WebMD

Posted on April 10, 2020 by Dom Turek

KEENE, N.H. — Local bartender Erika Crawford was devastated today by her positive diagnosis for COVID-19 along with several types of rare cancer following a routine visit to WebMD, sources close to the dying woman confirmed.

“You think ‘it will never happen to me,’ but I’m living proof that it can and probably will,” said Crawford of her recent prognosis. “I always thought those little white marks on my nails were from something I banged into, or not eating enough vegetables… but I never would’ve guessed in a million years it was a symptom of undifferentiated pleomorphic sarcoma. I’ve already started drafting my will; I’m not sure how much longer I have left.”

Exorbitant copays and hospital wait times due to COVID-19 have led many Americans to seek alternatives to the standard healthcare system, turning instead to online symptom checkers, holistic approaches, and reaching out to that one aunt who used to be a school nurse.

“I got a frantic call from Erika in the middle of the night asking if we had a history of Gaucher disease in our family,” said Sharon Belinski, Crawford’s mother. “At first I thought she was just being paranoid, but after looking at some of the symptoms on Mayo Clinic I think she might actually have it. I told her this would happen if she kept smoking.”

While Gaucher disease typically only affects children under the age of three of Ashkenazi Jewish descent and carries a 100 percent mortality rate, Crawford hopes to make a swift recovery — despite negative reactions from the online medical community.

“If she’s anything like my roommate’s brother’s girlfriend, she’ll be dead in a week,” said Mike Lee, a self-proclaimed health care professional and founder of an online forum for chronic tinnitus. “Based on something I overheard on a podcast yesterday, it sounds like she should start looking at funeral packages to ease the burden on her family… assuming any of them survive the pandemic.”

At press time, Crawford noticed her leg had fallen asleep for no apparent reason and was promptly diagnosed with Diabetes type 1 and 2.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News