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Essential Strip Club Retrofits Sprinkler System With Purell

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local strip club The Devil’s Crutch displayed their commitment to public health yesterday by retrofitting their sprinkler system with Purell following its recent designation as an “essential business” by city officials.

“A few years back we tried replacing the water in our sprinklers with Astroglide, so this wasn’t a huge technical hassle for us,” said club manager Steve Scrilla. “Doing this is a slam dunk for the club: it’s good for the customers, good for the talent, and it’ll save us a fortune on baby wipes. And to further ensure the safety of our dancers, we’re trying to eliminate paper money, but we haven’t figured out a way for customers to throw digital currency at the performers yet.”

Timed to release a cascade of bacteria-annihilating Purell every 15 minutes or five lap dances, whichever comes first, the new system has made the full-nude strip club the “slipperiest and most hygienic” adult entertainment venue in the Pacific Northwest.

“The new system has definitely brought us some piece of mind as frontline, bottoms-off workers in this pandemic crisis,” said erotic dancer Lydia Clementine. “But it’s also made our jobs a lot harder. We have to wear safety goggles so the Purell doesn’t get in our eyes, and we’ve had to switch from stiletto heels to sandals to keep from slipping-and-sliding out there. And we have to buy body glitter by the barrel now, because the sanitizer keeps taking it off.”

The sprinkler system isn’t the only health-conscious change at the club: DJs must use yellow rubber gloves when handling the soundboard, and bouncers now use 6-ft. animal control poles to eject rowdy patrons from the establishment.

“I come to a girlie bar to get a little dirty — the good kind of dirty that can ruin your marriage and make your pud stink like Gene Simmons, not the kind that makes you spit gallons of blood like Gene Simmons,” said strip club connoisseur Mike “Outcall” Cranston. “So I appreciate this club’s commitment to letting me get my perv on without fear of getting COVID-19.”

Despite the system’s success, management is reportedly unsure how to address complaints that the Purell sprinkler system has “reflavored” the club’s popular chicken wing buffet.