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Man Who Died of Coronavirus Written Up at Work

DEMING, N.M. — Local insurance salesman Ben Romero was written up today for missing work for the second day in a row with no phone call, despite the fact he passed away from COVID-19 late last week, grieving sources confirmed.

“This is unacceptable on so many levels. We have a strict work attendance policy that Mr. Romero is well aware of,” said Enchantment Insurance branch manager Wes Hayes from his home office. “Apparently he thinks boat and RV insurance packages just magically sell themselves. I don’t care if we are in the middle of a global pandemic — you get your ass to work, pick up the fucking phone, and start selling. Dying of coronavirus is for closers.”

However, fellow former employees are concerned they were exposed to the virus that took the life of their coworker.

“We have a pretty small office, and Ben was showing symptoms a few days before he was rushed to the ICU. I wouldn’t be surprised if this entire office park is a coronavirus cluster,” said senior sales agent Amanda Herrera. “I do feel bad that he died, don’t get me wrong… but it’s a little unfair that we have to pick up his slack right now. He was already out of sick time, and I can’t help but think it’s a little bit selfish that his lungs stopped working because, hello, we sort of need to breathe to talk people into buying stuff. I just hope nobody else here decides to follow his lead — if anyone else dies, it means I’ll have to start coming in on Saturday.”

Business leaders across the country applauded Enchantment Insurance management for disciplining employees who skipped work because of a fatal illness.

“This is exactly what we need to see right now. There are far too many people skipping out on their work duties because they ‘fear for their lives,’ and it’s really starting to piss me the fuck off,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “Last time I checked, everyone already gets a few days off per week. It’s called the fucking weekend — be sick on your own fucking time. But I swear to God, if you slow down on shipping orders in my warehouses, I will personally come down there and knee you in the ribs. Don’t fucking fuck with me.”

An Enchantment Insurance H.R. representative confirmed that Romero runs the risk of being fired if he does not return to work soon with a doctor’s note explaining his death.