Huge Star Wars Fan Meets Mortal Enemy, Other Huge Star Wars Fan

Posted on by John Dixon

DECATUR, Ga. — Local Star Wars superfan John Aaronson, 38, recently encountered his arch nemesis: a fellow Star Wars superfan in the form of 35 year-old Mark Bergeron. 

“I saw this guy with a rebel alliance crest on his shirt and decided to see what a dipshit he was,” said Aaronson, who bears a similar tattoo on his left bicep. “And I was totally right. This motherfucker said A’Sharad Hett, AKA Darth Krayt, was the greatest Sith Lord, so yeah, he’s one of those psychos that still engages with the weird, shitty Legends continuity in spite of absolutely none of it being canon.”

Bergeron shared his own impressions of Aaronson following the ensuing altercation over the duo’s shared passion. 

“I was just sitting here eating and this weirdo with a First Order patch on his jacket starts yelling at me,” he said. “He told me it’s a crime to disregard all the hard work Disney has put into creating a cohesive expanded universe and that I was spitting in their face by reading old stuff like New Jedi Order or The Han Solo Trilogy. I wasn’t gonna take that lying down so I called him a bootlicker for just swallowing the watered down shit Disney was spoon feeding him and begging Papa Mouse for more drivel like Rebels or Doctor Aphra.”

Other occupants of the shop who did their best to give the pair of Star Wars superfans a wide berth expressed overall discomfort with every aspect of the situation. 

“It was crazy uncomfortable watching these two grown ass men shouting at each other about increasingly obscure bits of Star Wars lore,” said cashier Jesse Logan. “Like, I’ve seen a lot of arguments break out in here over the best Zelda game or whatever, but this one was vicious, like it was personal for these guys. It’s weird, I don’t like Star Wars that much, but these guys really don’t like Star Wars!”

At press time, Aaronson and Bergeron had squared up with replica Darth Maul and Kylo Ren lightsabers while the shop was being evacuated.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I Overslept Through My Shift so Now I’m on Strike I Guess

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

After dutifully reporting to my essential job opening at 5 a.m. at Panera every morning since all this shit started going down, on Friday night I decided to stay up and share a couple of brewskis with a pal over Zoom.

I woke up to half a dozen text messages from my boss and a voicemail telling me not to bother coming in, so uh, like, fuck capitalism?

Last week I thought those guys that got fired for trying to unionize were total fucking nerds, but I was pretty sure that getting shitcanned blew a hole in my unemployment claim. So, I swallowed my pride and called up former shift leader Jackie and asked if I could get in on the picketing or whatever.

The next day I arrived with a sign I scribbled on the back of a Dominos box (man, those guys have been hooking me up with those quarantine deals) and joined the picket line across the street from the restaurant. Our former GM came out when she saw my car in the lot and told me that if I didn’t move she’d call the cops on me for trespassing. Okay, sure, I decided. It’s war, then, bitch.

Honestly, the thing that sucks the most is that I’m dying for a cheddar broccoli soup bread bowl. Like, I would pay. Should I wear a disguise? No, that’s crazy. Right?

Anyway, we’ve been protesting for a few days now, and all that’s really happened is we’ve gotten bitchy looks from the boomers going for their morning coffees. But hey, it’s not like we have anything better to do, right? Besides, these guys might be pinkos, but now that they’re not working dish during a lunch rush and fucking over the line, it turns out they’re not so bad. I’ve been reading the copy of “The Conquest of Bread” that Jackie lent me, and I’m working on learning the chords to “Power in a Union” for the big sing-along on Friday, and… aw Christ, man, I was like one or two good weeks away from getting promoted to manager.

Fuck.

Oh well. Vive la revolution or whatever, I guess.

Slipknot Refuses to Donate Masks to Hospital Battling COVID-19

Posted on by Tim Sheard

DES MOINES, Iowa — Members of longstanding nü-metal band Slipknot are facing intense criticism today for refusing to donate their signature masks to medical personnel on the front lines battling the COVID-19 pandemic.

“There are a lot of people on Twitter demanding we give up our masks to help in this fight, and that is simply not going to happen,” said keyboardist Craig “133” Jones. “These masks are what connect us to our music, and frankly, it’s in the best interest of the public that we don’t give these up — if we did, doctors would be too busy headbanging to get their jobs done. Plus, I spent a lot of time hammering nails through the top of my helmet. I’m not just going to give that up because our hospitals are grossly underfunded.”

Even longtime Slipknot defenders are upset the band is not stepping up.

“Before all of this, I’d wear my ‘People = Shit’ shirt everywhere — I wore it to my sister’s wedding and it pissed a lot of family members off. But things have changed,” said Toby “Gudge” Duskin. “We all need to do what we can to help stop the spread of this disease. I donated a few pairs of my jeans to a local company making masks, and when they saw the size of those pants they were ecstatic. I always thought JNCOs just looked super cool, but it turns out just a single pair can be made into 4,000 face masks. So, step up, Slipknot — the country needs you.”

Doctors across the country were quick to explain that masks donated by gimmicky bands do nothing to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

“We want to thank all the musicians trying to help, but the masks you donate just end up in the trash. The members of Mushroomhead and The Locust were some of the first to donate supplies, but as soon as our staff put them on they were overwhelmed by the smell,” said physician Dr. Amir Patel. “These masks don’t have the proper filters, and probably contain some other diseases that we should not be exposing any patients to. Again, thank you for trying to help, but please just raise money and donate it to a hospital instead.”

Given the continuing spread of the disease, the CDC is expected to institute new guidelines suggesting everyone wear the weird Daft Punk futuristic helmets anytime they are in public.

Headline by Lee Newell.

Dungeon Master Sets Up 8-Week Long Scenario for Single Pun

Posted on by Kevin Grant

SEATTLE — A group of Dungeons and Dragons players were horrified to discover that the campaign they had been playing for the last two months existed exclusively to deliver one pun, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I was enthralled by the details of the story. I  feel so stupid,,” said the party’s wizard player, Jenn Meyer. “We spent dozens of hours collecting the legendary relics of this fascinating world, only to realize when we finished, that the magic word of the ancient language we revived, when spoken aloud, was just the word ‘penis.’  But before we figured that out, he had us… shout the ancient word, louder and louder. We played the Penis Game. It spent eight weeks adventuring just to play the Penis Game.”

“I knew we never should have let our bard DM the next campaign,” she added.

According to close sources within the party, those playing had invested a great deal of emotions and money into the campaign.

“I bought figurines, maps, custom artwork of all the relics… now I have all these prints hanging that I know spell ‘penis,’” said the party’s barbarian, Stephen Rogers. “I just don’t really understand how someone would spend all their time doing this? Wouldn’t it have been easier to just make a good story? Why go out of your way to make something good just to distract from the possibility of the ending being a dirty pun?”

Mark Shelton, the accused Dungeon Master in question, has argued that there’s nothing wrong with a campaign that leads to a pun.

“People get all up in arms about the ending of a campaign, but it’s about the journey, not the destination right?” said Shelton. “Everyone was all pissed off, but at the end of the day, I gave them a fun adventure. Not every DM can say that, regardless of whether or not theirs led to a dick joke. I wanted to play a game with a dick joke, they wanted to play a sprawling eight week adventure that led to something they didn’t expect. Sometimes everybody gets what they want.”

At press time, Shelton told frustrated reporters to look back over his quote and read just the first letter of every sentence.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Moderate Democrats Suggest Working with Coronavirus to Find Common Ground

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

WASHINGTON — A select group of centrist moderate Democrats are in talks to cooperate with COVID-19 on a path towards giving both parties what they want, face-palming sources revealed.

“It’s our priority to find a solution everyone is happy with,” revealed Sen. Chuck Schumer. “Nancy [Pelosi] and I have been meeting with the Coronavirus to try to work out a plan that both saves lives and kills people. We can’t afford to be partisan or idealistic, and we have to be willing to make concessions. If that means giving up everything we want, so be it.”

Schumer and Pelosi have been relentless in their willingness to bend over to COVID-19’s demands, and have left the GOP with little leverage in terms of bargaining.

“Them Democrats got about as much sense as a pocket with a hole in it,” cackled Sen. Lindsay Graham while fanning himself. “I do declare, they’re gonna just let that mean ol’ virus tell them what to do. They’re currently proposing a $200 billion stimulus for the virus, and they’re gonna pull the funds right outta the Post Office pension! Where does it even end? Now I hear Biden might pick Corona as his running mate as a show of bipartisanship. Good golly Miss Molly, sometimes it feels like we don’t hafta lift a finger to ruin everything.”

Presidential hopeful Joe Biden has been meeting with a team of scientific and medical specialists in an effort to strengthen the Coronavirus’ chances politically.

“He wants to give it legs,” lamented Dr. Bianca Raju, a very drunk epidemiologist. “He barged in here saying COVID-19 needed to be ‘strong and proud, with a beautiful head of hair.’ Then he called me ‘Jack’ and asked me to look in his eyes, but didn’t say anything for about 10 minutes. After a while, he ordered me to give the virus eyes so he could look into them, then mumbled something about making sure the virus had a ‘big old hog’ before storming out. I think he was wearing his suit backwards.”

At press time, Democratic leadership proposed legislation to put a moratorium on any universal health care proposals.

IGN Writer Goes Postal, Leaving 13 Great, 6 Amazing

Posted on by Russell Brooks

SAN FRANCISCO — Friends and family were left looking for answers after a lone IGN writer stormed out of the company’s offices this morning and went on a rampage, leaving thirteen Great and six in Amazing condition.

Witnesses described the scene in vivid, unsettling detail.

“We were just walking down the street, going to lunch like normal, when we heard shouting, and… then I saw him,” said Alyssa Basset, a student from SFSU. “He was going wild. There was this old man sitting there on a bench, and he just — he told him he had such impressive graphics. Some of the best he’d ever seen.”

The suspect, whom police have yet to name publicly, emerged from the building at 11:48am, and immediately began complimenting everyone in sight until he was subdued by police six minutes later, having reviewed nineteen bystanders and himself.

Todd Olsen, a waiter at the cafe near the scene, spoke to reporters.

“When I heard all the yelling, I knew something was happening, so I just started running,” said Olsen, visibly shaken. “I guess he must have seen me turn to run because he started praising my extremely responsive controls.”

Many fled the scene. Others hid and took shelter in the area’s “lush, detailed environments,” as the suspect reportedly wrote in notebooks planning the outburst. Authorities are investigating his social media accounts, which were taken down after the incident.

“Looking at his online history, we’re dealing with someone with a history of giving out Likes and leaving positive comments on other’s posts,” said Thomas Vasquez, a detective with the city police department. “There’s a definite pattern of behavior here.”

The community has been left in shock by the incident, wondering what could have motivated this young, isolated man to heap praise on complete strangers.

“I don’t understand what would drive someone to do this. It just doesn’t make sense,” said local gamer Thomas Woodward, “How can he say Jeff is a 9 out of 10? He’s basically the same Jeff as last year, which only got an 8.”

As he was taken into police custody, the yet-unnamed IGN writer reportedly expressed appreciation for the officers’ quick load times and brutal, satisfying melee takedowns.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Sat Down With This Millennial Biden Supporter to See If Their Parents Could Pay Our Rent Too

Posted on by Alec Stein

With the economy tanking and unemployment skyrocketing, we at The Hard Times realized it may have been misguided to assume the country would elect a president that would fight for a living wage.

After failing to convince our landlord to accept drink tickets as payment, we had to figure out a way to cover rent, so we sat down with Kate Miller, a millennial Biden supporter, to see if her parents could pay our rent too.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us, Kate. This is a pretty sick apartment you got here. What do your parents do for work?
Kate Miller: Uhm…my father is a professor at NYU and my step-mom runs a non-profit that educates the homeless about investing in stock options. Anyway, I’m sure you want to talk about Biden, so let me start by sayi-
Yeah, Biden. Totally. So Mr. and Mrs. Miller sound like pretty socially liberal people. Would you say they’re fiscally…well off?
It’s “Professor and Dr. Miller,” and I have no idea what that last part is supposed to mean.
Okay, let’s try this another way. This apartment must cost like what, two or three thousand a month? What if we told your folks it went up by like five-hundred bucks. Think they would mind?
…and why would we do that?
Well uhh, we’d put the money into like a charity type thing. A charity to help cover living expenses for say, I don’t know, people that work for punk news websites.
Are you asking for my parents to pay for your rent?
It’s not “paying our rent.” More like…actually, yeah, that’s pretty spot on. Since they’re already paying yours, what’s the big deal?
Hey, wait. How’d you know my parents pay my rent?
What issues are most important for you in this election?
Well, I think we need to return decency to the White House, be tough on crime, and let people keep their insur-
And where does “income inequality” rank on that list?
Income what?
Right. Anyway, I need you to sign this waiver so we can publish this interview.
Why does this waiver look like a check made out to “cash?”
Look, I don’t work in legal. Can you just sign the waiver before the bank clos…I mean before my editor leaves for the day?
Oh okay. Here.
Wow. Look at the time. This has been great but we gotta jet. Let’s pick this up again at the end of next month?
Wait, what? Where are you going?

Record Label Takes 80% of Band’s Stimulus Check

Posted on by Ted Pillow

SEATTLE — Punk band Knuckle Fist is being forced to give 80% of their economic stimulus check to their record label, according to perplexed sources attempting to read a contract for the first time.

“I was really psyched about that check,” explained Knuckle Fist guitarist Jenny Figueroa. “I thought it was weird our entire band only gets one collective check… but I guess you can chalk that up to the government’s lack of respect for pop-punk. Unfortunately, our record label has been emailing and calling non-stop to remind us that they are entitled to almost the entire payout. Also, they wanted to know if we had any toilet paper lying around, because apparently we’re supposed to give them 80% of that, too.”

Knuckle Fist’s label, Gold Standard Records, claimed they are well within their rights to seize 80% of the band’s stimulus check.

“It’s all right here, clear as day,” stated Gold Standard Records representative Aaron Foster, gesturing towards a 1,643 page contract. “Look under Terms and Conditions, clause XXXII, subclause D: it clearly states that the label is entitled to 80% of any stimulus check given by the U.S. government in response to pandemics, alien invasions, Y2Ks, biblical floods, or the sun exploding.”

Other record labels have followed suit, attempting to garnish large portions of the upcoming stimulus checks intended for bands under contract. President Trump recently weighed in on the issue, siding with the record labels.

“I love Gold Standard Records — great label, really terrific,” President Trump told reporters during a press conference. “We can’t let these poor labels suffer during this tiny, very temporary economic setback we’re facing. In our rush to support the little people, we can’t forget the big guys, the wonderful corporations that take such good care of us. If we don’t bail out our corporate overlords, then the terrorists have really won!”

At press time, Knuckle Fist was trying to figure out how to get the remaining 20% of the stimulus check since none of them have a checking account or valid ID.

Firefly Fan Also Canceled

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

DALLAS — Following rumors that one of Joss Whedon’s most beloved and unabashedly racist admirers would soon be scrapped from society, local sources officially confirmed that sci-fi television show Firefly’s fan David Newburg has also been canceled.

“David had a loyal fandom and a promising story, but unfortunately he wasn’t pulling in the ratings to justify giving more time to such a blatant white-nationalist,” said former friend and coworker Lianne McIntyre, who denied any plans to give the 28-year-old chauvinist bigot a proper finale or continue his jingoist narrative in any other media.

“Fans should at least be thankful David was canceled before he could even get worse,” added McIntyre.

The sudden cancellation has outraged Nathan Fillion and Richard Spencer fans across the internet. Many are claiming Newburg was never given a chance to find the right audience of space-western-loving neo-nazis who would appreciate his unique brand of xenophobic storytelling.

“Followers definitely would have loved a couple more hate-fueled, verbally abusive episodes before all the networks, social and professional, dropped him,” said fellow Browncoat and anti-semite Gregory Macklee. “It’s bittersweet, but this gives all us fans of David something to unite around that we all loved.”

While many of his more adamant supporters are devastated by his cancellation, there is hope that Newburg will likely attain a cult following in future years among millions of geeky, Hitler-apologist TV buffs.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Binges Eight Scorsese Movies to Push Project Runway Off Recently Watched List

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

TULSA, Okla. — Local Netflix viewer Trevor Doyle spent the past 24 hours frantically binge watching Martin Scorsese films to push “Project Runway” off his recently watched list before his newly-quarantined roommates see it, a leaked Netflix queue history confirmed.

“Goddammit, I’m running out of time to clear this shit up,” said a panicked Doyle after an urgent phone call with his girlfriend, Jamie McFarlane. “I’m gonna be stuck inside with these guys for weeks. If they see my list, I’ll never live it down! I should’ve never let my girlfriend talk me into watching 10 full seasons of ‘Project Runway’ over three days with no breaks, alone in my bedroom.”

McFarlane watched over Skype as Doyle frantically and “disturbingly” speed-watched Scorcese’s catalogue.

“He spent all last night fast-forwarding through most of Scorcese’s movies. At least, when played at 2x speed, your average Scorcese movie is roughly as long as a normal movie, I suppose,” said McFarlane. “Occasionally he’d stop the movie and watch some scenes, just in case his roommates asked him any questions about it… but he mostly ignored me, except when he would ask inane questions like whether I thought the scene from ‘The Irishman’ about wearing shorts to a meeting seemed important. Hey, is it too rude to break up with someone while they’re quarantined?”

Doyle’s roommates reportedly planned to watch Netflix as a group this evening, but as the hour draws nearer, Doyle’s stress levels have risen dramatically.

“I heard him grumbling through the walls that Netflix dropped ‘Casino’ again, but I wasn’t sure what that was all about,” said roommate Bryce Crane. “After that he yelled, ‘Fuck it, ‘There Will Be Blood,’’’ so I think I’m gonna lock my door until that psycho cools off.”

At press time, Doyle had successfully covered up his watchlist with appropriately masculine films — just in time for his roommates to settle on rewatching the first season of “Queer Eye” together tonight.

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