WASHINGTON — A select group of centrist moderate Democrats are in talks to cooperate with COVID-19 on a path towards giving both parties what they want, face-palming sources revealed.
“It’s our priority to find a solution everyone is happy with,” revealed Sen. Chuck Schumer. “Nancy [Pelosi] and I have been meeting with the Coronavirus to try to work out a plan that both saves lives and kills people. We can’t afford to be partisan or idealistic, and we have to be willing to make concessions. If that means giving up everything we want, so be it.”
Schumer and Pelosi have been relentless in their willingness to bend over to COVID-19’s demands, and have left the GOP with little leverage in terms of bargaining.
“Them Democrats got about as much sense as a pocket with a hole in it,” cackled Sen. Lindsay Graham while fanning himself. “I do declare, they’re gonna just let that mean ol’ virus tell them what to do. They’re currently proposing a $200 billion stimulus for the virus, and they’re gonna pull the funds right outta the Post Office pension! Where does it even end? Now I hear Biden might pick Corona as his running mate as a show of bipartisanship. Good golly Miss Molly, sometimes it feels like we don’t hafta lift a finger to ruin everything.”
Presidential hopeful Joe Biden has been meeting with a team of scientific and medical specialists in an effort to strengthen the Coronavirus’ chances politically.
“He wants to give it legs,” lamented Dr. Bianca Raju, a very drunk epidemiologist. “He barged in here saying COVID-19 needed to be ‘strong and proud, with a beautiful head of hair.’ Then he called me ‘Jack’ and asked me to look in his eyes, but didn’t say anything for about 10 minutes. After a while, he ordered me to give the virus eyes so he could look into them, then mumbled something about making sure the virus had a ‘big old hog’ before storming out. I think he was wearing his suit backwards.”
At press time, Democratic leadership proposed legislation to put a moratorium on any universal health care proposals.