TULSA, Okla. — Local Netflix viewer Trevor Doyle spent the past 24 hours frantically binge watching Martin Scorsese films to push “Project Runway” off his recently watched list before his newly-quarantined roommates see it, a leaked Netflix queue history confirmed.
“Goddammit, I’m running out of time to clear this shit up,” said a panicked Doyle after an urgent phone call with his girlfriend, Jamie McFarlane. “I’m gonna be stuck inside with these guys for weeks. If they see my list, I’ll never live it down! I should’ve never let my girlfriend talk me into watching 10 full seasons of ‘Project Runway’ over three days with no breaks, alone in my bedroom.”
McFarlane watched over Skype as Doyle frantically and “disturbingly” speed-watched Scorcese’s catalogue.
“He spent all last night fast-forwarding through most of Scorcese’s movies. At least, when played at 2x speed, your average Scorcese movie is roughly as long as a normal movie, I suppose,” said McFarlane. “Occasionally he’d stop the movie and watch some scenes, just in case his roommates asked him any questions about it… but he mostly ignored me, except when he would ask inane questions like whether I thought the scene from ‘The Irishman’ about wearing shorts to a meeting seemed important. Hey, is it too rude to break up with someone while they’re quarantined?”
Doyle’s roommates reportedly planned to watch Netflix as a group this evening, but as the hour draws nearer, Doyle’s stress levels have risen dramatically.
“I heard him grumbling through the walls that Netflix dropped ‘Casino’ again, but I wasn’t sure what that was all about,” said roommate Bryce Crane. “After that he yelled, ‘Fuck it, ‘There Will Be Blood,’’’ so I think I’m gonna lock my door until that psycho cools off.”
At press time, Doyle had successfully covered up his watchlist with appropriately masculine films — just in time for his roommates to settle on rewatching the first season of “Queer Eye” together tonight.