The long wait is finally over. Football is back. This is the year your team will go all the way, all they need is a few lucky bounces, consistency, and to make sure their kicker isn’t devoured in a strange barnyard accident that the country’s top investigators won’t be able to explain.
To get you excited for the season we compiled our definitive rankings of each NFL kicker based on how likely it is they will become horse food.
(At the time of writing this list the Los Angeles Rams had not signed a kicker)
31. Justin Tucker Baltimore Ravens
The Baltimore kicker is the all-time best to ever do it. If a hungry horse came at Tucker he could just swing that foot and basically make the horse explode on impact. Let this be a warning to all horses, stay away from Justin Tucker or your guts will be booted halfway to Atlanta.
30. Nick Folk Tennessee Titans
Folk has been around the game for a long time. His skills might be declining on the field, but he’s a crafty veteran who can use his football knowledge to avoid most horse-relate injuries. Whether it’s keeping the horse at bay with a pitchfork, or simply grabbing a salt lick. Folk is a safe bet.
29. Greg Zuerlein New York Jets
Another veteran of the sport. Greg “The Leg” originally got his nickname after he booted a football 65 yards and knocked out a horse that was attacking a small child. Horses around the world know it’s best not to test him.
28. Younghoe Koo Atlanta Falcons
In 2019 while Koo was a kicker for the Atlanta Legends in the AAF he was attacked by a horse in the middle of a game. Thankfully freelance horse wranglers were in attendance and saved Koo from severe injury, but since then he’s been trained in horse-specific self-defense.
27. Evan McPherson Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals kicker is one of the few NFL players that has openly admitted to beating the crap out of multiple horses, offering no explanation outside of “I just like doing it.” His aggressiveness towards the majestic beasts makes him a safe bet to make it through the season without being eaten by a horse.
26. Graham Gano New York Giants
Another veteran with lots of experience avoiding horse attacks. Gano has a special clause in his contract that assures any team he plays for provides three sharpshooters trained to take down any horses that come within 100 feet of him.
25. Harrison Butker Kansas City Chiefs
The defending Super Bowl champs don’t have much to worry about. Butker is not only an excellent kicker but is also a certified Horse Whisperer. It is rumored he is so good at the practice that he convinced a young Appaloosa to rob a 711.
24. Cairo Santos Chicago Bears
Santos is the only player in the NFL legally allowed to carry a gun on him at all times. If the Bears win the Super Bowl (They won’t) he will be strapped while meeting President Biden. Nobody knows why he carries the gun, but horses better take heed.
23. Jason Sanders Miami Dolphins
Playing in Miami has certain advantages, one of those is easy access to all sorts of cocaine. Sanders knows this, horses know this, and that means all animals are more likely to want to party with him. There is an unwritten rule in the animal kingdom that states “You never eat your cocaine supplier.”
22. Daniel Carlson Las Vegas Raiders
If the Raiders still played in Oakland there is an 85% chance Carlson would be attacked by multiple horses over the course of the season. The amount of players the Raiders lost to horse attacks was one of the key reasons they moved. He is much safer in Vegas where horses are too busy gambling.
21. Brandon McManus Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars facility is famous for having multiple actual jaguars roam their facility. The apex predators scare away nearly all horses and other livestock but are known to attack players during warm-ups.
20. Tyler Bass Buffalo Bills
Bass is relatively safe from horses thanks to the wild antics of tailgating Bills fans. Most animals with any concept of logic avoid the Highmark Stadium parking lot at all costs because it is where humanity shows just how low it can sink.
19. Jake Elliott Philadelphia Eagles
When the Eagles beat the Patriots in Super Bowl LII fans took to the streets of Philadelphia and proudly started eating horse shit. This actually built up a good amount of goodwill with local horses and anyone associated with the Eagles franchise.
18. Jake Moody San Francisco 49ers
Horses can no longer afford to live in the Bay Area, the few horses that remain are busy working 3 jobs in order to stay afloat and have very little time to attack kickers. Especially since the stadium moved all the way to Santa Clara.
17. Brandon Aubrey Dallas Cowboys
Most horses root for America’s team. It’s tough to say why since the team has been disappointing for over 25 years. But they remain loyal and chances are the Cowboys’ rookie kicker won’t be dismembered by a group of Clydesdales.
16. Chase McLaughlin Tampa Bay Buccaneers
McLaughlin has had to apologize for tweets he made in high school where he called horses “The most worthless farm animals” and “Too stupid to ever eat me.” It’s tough to say whether his apology worked or not, time will tell.
Starting out pretty obvious here. Mr. MacKaye may be pretty good with money, which is why we know he would absolutely burn this motherfucker down for the insurance payout within the first five minutes.
The Businessman is top-heavy and one spin is enough to send him through three different sets of walls. Besides, it’s a pain in the ass to plié with Doc Martens on.
We’re not even sure that Mr. MacKaye knows what a cow is, let alone him being able to wrangle and milk like eight thousand of them all the time. Not to mention tractors are harder than tour vans to keep up and running regularly.
Mr. MacKaye has hated alcohol since he was a teenager. Assuming he’s even aware of how combustible grain alcohol is, then there’s no chance this business isn’t immediately going up in flames.
Generally, gun people love to give long, stupid speeches about their beliefs, but aren’t necessarily fans of having speeches pointed back at them. That’s where we feel like Mr. MacKaye is going to alienate a lot of his potential clientele. Maybe he’d do better with bow and arrow? Let’s find out somewhere in the mid-30s on this list.
The Businessman would abandon this business purely from lack of interest. Also, when he first went in he thought it meant amp cabinets and he just never got over that.
The bullshit factor at one of these “publish or perish” paper factories is so high that Mr. MacKaye would put his head through the office’s plate glass window rather than re-edit the second proof of the “Journal of Nonsense To Be Debunked Six Months From Now.”
Even when Mr. MacKaye had hair, it was never his main priority. Unless this place caters exclusively to skinheads and stepfathers who watch too many movies about Navy SEALS then the business is going under in less time than it takes to buzz a scalp. Also, we’re pretty sure Barbicide has alcohol in it, which certainly won’t help.
What? Did The Businessman suddenly become a talented yet unfulfilled white woman looking to be blindsided by love in an early 2000s rom-com? Actually, don’t think too hard about that one. Anyways, we stand by this ranking.
At least with this one Mr. MacKaye had the foresight to gaze into the crystal ball to see that no matter how hard he tries this place is going under before he ever has to restock the novelty rabbit hats.
What are the logistics of managing a small, organic, farm to table style trout hatchery? How the hell should we know? Is that even actually a thing? Regardless, Mr. MacKaye is gonna be in hot water attempting to run this small business – and hot water will also likely be the reason all of his fish die.
This place would only sell eco-friendly compact cars that burn old banana peels for fuel and fifteen-passenger tour vans that also only burn banana peels for fuel.
Mr. MacKaye probably isn’t the biggest fan of bowhunting, but he is certainly in favor of self-defense in the scene. Still, if he ran this one we would anticipate a sharp uptick in random arrow wounds being reported in the D.C. metropolitan area.
Here’s a little-known fact: Mr. MacKaye is legally banned from every Sunoco in the contiguous United States. No member of the public knows why, and it’s literally the only thing he refuses to talk about in interviews, but according to a trusted source who requested to remain anonymous (fuck it, it was Guy Picciotto) his ass treated the tile in the restroom at the Marietta location like a power washer trying to get gum off a sidewalk, and apparently management has never forgiven him.
This is like two steps outside of cop, so we know The Businessman’s not enthusiastic going in. He’ll certainly give it his best as a professional, but there’s no way he’s gonna be able to silently sift through a dumpster looking for evidence without causing enough commotion to alert every suspect in the vicinity that they’ve been made.
We can’t really see Mr. MacKaye going into this business with a whole lot of enthusiasm. He’s still a professional and he’ll give it his best, but at the end of the day he would absolutely hate this work – and you can’t serve croquettes that were made with hate.
Doesn’t this just look like fun? All you do all day is drive little toy cars around. Fun! Definitely not Mr. MacKaye’s cup of tea, everyone knows he gave up having fun in 1989.
Giddy up, giddy up, Mr. MacKaye! You’re gonna have to learn how to ride a horse and erect barbed wire fences real goddamn fast if you want half a shot at this business making any money.
Mr. MacKaye definitely gives off strong cat person energy. But regardless, his animal hospital would probably do pretty poorly. Somewhere between all of the complimentary pet care services for “the good of the Doberman scene” and the choice to invest in DIY fish penicillin, we don’t see this business making it more than a year.
Running a churro stand is a surprisingly high-stress venture. You mean to say you want cinnamon AND powdered sugar on the same stick!? Go to hell – you’ve bankrupted The Businessman.
Yeah, maybe he can throw a punch – but you can tell he would definitely apologize to you afterward and that wasted time is really gonna eat into his bottom line on this one.
Is there anything more “local scene” than a band having two names because they were popular as both? This 14-thousand-piece ska band also did the song from “Jabberjaw” on Cartoon Network. They may not have rode the ’90s 3rd wave to mainstream success, but they will always be the reason we now know Alabama isn’t located in the Pacific Northwest.
Despite its name being perfectly suited for ska puns, Alaska is shockingly limited in its ska-lection of ska bands. Fortunately, the Naked Men are here to fill that hole. We bet this band was pissed when they went to name their band and found out “Polar Bear Club” was taken. And they’re not even a ska band! What a waste.
Ska-n-Roll band “2 Tone Lizard Kings” brings a bluesy swing to the typically staccato genre. The music grooves with a sweaty swagger that says, “Ohhh look at me, I live in Arizoooona.” Arizona may be a dry heat but 2 Tone Lizard Kings are sure to bring some wet funk.
Yet another state with a built-in ska pun name and another state that required Googling to find a single ska band. The Fayetteville Ska Alliance is a Christmas-themed ska band and probably an official part of the Arkansas State Guard.
This is quite an honor considering over 90% of ska music originated in California. Reggae too. Little known fact, the upstroke was invented by a high school sophomore in Orange County. But any true ska fan knows that without a doubt.
Everyone’s favorite Christian skankers, “Five Iron Frenzy,” are Colorado’s highest by a mile. Despite their overtly religious lyrics, ska fans of all denominations flock to FIF for their catchy, upbeat melodies. Their music videos make youth group actually look fun. Ya know, if you removed all that God stuff.
For as much punk, hardcore, and easycore that New England produces, ska is slim pickins in Lobsterville. Even the Agonizers avoided having a horn section. It must be the temperature. Ska does not seem to thrive below 70 degrees.
Delaware has a rich history of ska bands and it was really hard to choose just one to represent this ska-te (not a typo, that’s “ska” plus “state”). The Ol’ Dirty Brasstards are… okay, we admit it! We don’t know any ska bands from Delaware! We even resorted to searching “ska + delaware” on bandcamp after Google and Reddit failed us. If you know of a ska band from Delaware, tag them in the comments and tell them they need to be better about their SEO.
Firmly nestled in the base of America’s cock, Gainesville’s “Less Than Jake” is a legendary ska band who needs no introduction. Especially one so crude. They are among many incredible alternative bands from Florida such as Against Me!, A Day To Remember, and Yellowcard, but they stand alone as the kings of Floridska. (
Georgia’s Taj Motel Trio proves that 3rd wave ska doesn’t need to come from New Jersey to sound like Streetlight Manifesto. Kidding of course, Streetlight Manifesto isn’t ska. Or are they? Check out New Jersey to find out.
Black Square is one of the rare Hawaii ska bands to bring their sound to the mainland. While it may seem strange that this genre of island music is underrepresented on a literal island, it’s a clear sign that disgust for ska is consistent across all mainstream cultures. We must stand united!
Marching band horns? Check. Punny name? Check. This band is close enough for ska! Also, why did the ska musician’s mom hate his band? Idaho, AlaSKA!
Between Brendan Kelly and Dan Andriano (and to a lesser extent Peter Anna), Slapstick wound up a bonafide supergroup. They are an incredible addition from the golden era of 3rd wave ska. Though several band members later reported losing interest in the genre, Slapstick truly is the best “ska phase” captured on record.
Indiana’s “Johnny Socko” will have you skanking faster than a car at the Indy 500. Lazy simile aside, it’s true. That’s just all we know about Indiana. They were also on Asian Man records at some point, which has been true about many of these obscure bands from even more obscure states.
Okay, so this isn’t technically a ska band. This is a punk band signed to Alternative Tentacles. But just look at that name! We didn’t even check to see if they were from Iowa. They win this one sight unseen. (
If you thought the sunflower state couldn’t shine any brighter, the Ray-Guns are here (well, were here in 1998) to bring you some of the catchiest ska-punk Kansas has to offer.
Pimpslap blends 3rd wave ska with Cheshire Cat-era Blink 182. “Pimp” was such a go-to funny word in the ’90s and it was used most often when a suburban, upper-middle-class person wanted to be ironic. What a time to be alive.
Leading the New-tone charge, New Orleans’ Bad Operation continues to take the 4th wave in a sincere direction. Unlike many states, Louisiana has produced a solid number of ska bands. Maybe it’s their access to horns. Or the frequency of parades. (
El Grande is just your ol’ fashioned, lobster-catchin’ Maine ska band. Pretty typical of their breed. Little known fact, their band name came from the only two Spanish words that had made their way to Maine by the time the band formed in 2004.
There’s just something special about island music written by people who consider Baltimore an island. The Chesapeake may not be Montego, but The Skunks provide the soundtrack to a perfect evening at Seacrets during Beach Week. I mean, technically SOJA is the perfect band for that kind of night, but they’re less “ska” and more “a band of rich white guys who named their band ‘Soldiers of Jah’s Army.’”
This one is notable for being a surprise release that just sort of appeared on YouTube a week or two after “New Others Part One,” and needless to say, that was a treat for fans any way you slice it. It’s also notable for being the only TWDY record (I double-checked) that starts with a fast, hard-rocking passage and then settles into a slow, ominous, atmospheric dirge. You can almost hear Joey Ramone yelling onetwothreefour before the album kicks off. All of their other records do precisely the opposite. It’s an okay album, but it sounds like a collection of outtakes and B-sides, which, to be honest, it probably originally was anyway.
Death metal fans lost their minds when Blood Incantation, on the heels of a breathlessly acclaimed record, turned around in 2022 and made a lengthy EP of straight-up ambient synth music, but TWDY really beat them to the dramatic-genre-shifting punch by dropping their usual doom-drone-metal atmospherics to create this commissioned soundtrack to a Michelin-star rated restaurant in California, also called Vespertine. It’s fine in itself, and good for meditation or background music while you’re working or for putting on as a sort of lullaby to help cranky four-year-olds finally fall the hell asleep already, but it’s so far outside of TWDY’s usual work that it’s almost impossible to give it a legitimate ranking here.
It’s clear that this was recorded in the same session as “New Others Part 2,” but the songwriting is more cohesive and the shifts in dynamics feel more organic. Track likes “Syncage” play with synthesized effects more dramatically than the band has in the past, and even has some abrasive moments that sound like a mid-90s Nine Inch Nails remix, minus all the sadomasochistic “I’m Trent Reznor, woe is me” histrionics. As a whole, this record has a lot of the ambient stuff that would show up in Vespertine, but with enough dynamic range and variety that it still feels more or less like classic TWDY. A solid album.
A triumph of a debut. Opener “Quiet” is basically the band’s mission statement, at least for their earliest work, showing off their ability to turn simple, low-key motifs into anthems that you can head-bang to in slow motion. “The World is our _____” is a master class in how to use heavy delay effects on a lead guitar without seeming overly precious, and when the power chords kick in at 2:40, they feel 100% earned, rather than like someone said “Oh, hey, we should probably make it all loud and rockin’ now.” There’s a kind of simplicity to the album as a whole, both in production and songwriting, but it’s still a deeply satisfying record to come back to, and has the bonus feature of sticking the landing perfectly in the final moments of the final track, which just happens to be our “Play it Again” pick.
This is a really popular album among fans. We wouldn’t so much as raise an eyebrow if someone else were to put it at #1 or #2. Please bear that in mind before you carpet-bomb the comments section. This was a serious shift for the band from guitar-forward post-rock songs that could (and did) score movies and TV like “Moneyball” and “CSI” (not to mention promo segments for the 2010 Winter Olympics), to brooding, dense, doom-inflected drone metal. Opener “Little Smoke” is among their greatest songs, a 12-minute slow-burn monster that starts with seemingly-endless atmospheric synth figures before just sort of tipping over into a raging wall of cacophonous dread that barely seems to crack 30 beats per minute. “Glass Realms” is a preview of their more ambient work to come. There’s nothing skippable here. “Tunnel Blanket” must be experienced as a single work. It’s a thoroughly dark and somber – almost depressive, really – album, with very little reprieve.
Oddly enough, if you’re only going to own one TWDY album, it should probably be this one. It feels less like a live album than a greatest hits collection of their material up to and including “Tunnel Blanket.” The band already sounds atmospheric and reverb-laden in everything they put out, so the live setting doesn’t change much. They play the songs on here totally straight. Even the longer, multi-part ones are pretty indistinguishable from their studio counterparts, which is a little ironic because their live shows around this time were often bogged down in abstract noise experiments; you could barely pick out a riff or melody. Apparently, on the flight to Iceland, they decided to start playing more traditional live sets again, and what results is a simple compilation of most of their best songs at that point, if not so much a capturing of what they usually sounded like live in this era.
If you’re going to introduce TWDY to someone who’s never heard them, this is the album to insist they start with. Its structure, songwriting, and production are all extremely similar to “Young Mountain,” but with notable improvement in each of those areas. It’s a mix of songs that are darn near catchy – the riff to “Threads,” especially, will stick with you for quite some time – and songs that unfold in waves of abstract noise for what seems like ten minutes at a time. The record is perfectly balanced in every way, a Rosetta Stone of post-rock, and the last album for which they’d be satisfied with that formula before moving into a far more experimental direction.
If “Tunnel Blanket” was essentially a press release announcing “We’re not trying to just be a new version of Explosions in the Sky,” then Another Language announces “But we’re also not going to be pigeonholed into this whole doomgaze thing.” This record finds a happy medium that is beyond simple classification, blending ambient, metal, dream pop, and avant-garde noise into a fully-integrated final product. You simply can’t see or hear the stitches that connect these different genres. It’s fluid and perfectly executed. It’s an overwhelming and deeply beautiful 47-minute experience. This maybe isn’t the best record of theirs to hear before you’re acquainted with their vibe, but once you are so acquainted, it’s the best one, period. Splurge on the vinyl, kick back, and let it wash over you.
