Here’s Every Band Going on Tour in 2024 Whose Show You Can’t Attend ‘Cause Your Friend’s Ex Will Be There

Posted on by Carly Silverman

2024 is coming up and a lot of great bands are heading on the road … but Lindsay and Adam just broke up and Lindsay does NOT want to bump into him at shows. So let’s go over the 15 bands you should not even consider trying to see live next year because your favorite show companion is making your life tougher than it needs to be.

Death Cab For Cutie

If you didn’t catch Death Cab on their anniversary tour of “Transatlanticism” – they’ll be back on the road in 2024! Too bad Adam will be there. Remember he worked at some label for a while and now he just gets tickets to stuff? Anyway you know that if you guys saw him there it would really just ruin the whole vibe and Lindsay would lock herself in a bathroom stall for most of the show.

Vampire Weekend

NYC darlings Vampire Weekend are touring in 2024 and you were one click away from buying you and Lindsay tickets, but then Adam posted on his story that he and all his Columbia friends bought on the presale. Lindsay reminded you in graphic detail the things she and Adam used to do listening to Vampire Weekend when they would both call into work sick, and now you feel a little queasy.

Modest Mouse

The Pacific Northwest indie rockers are on tour again, which is good news…. for people who love bad news – Lindsay gave Adam this show in the break up to try and look mature after she broke his lamp.

Warpaint

Art Rock quartet Warpaint is actually only playing an upstate show this tour and Adam’s roommate Jerry has a car, so he wins this one.

Violent Femmes

Yes, Adam is going to be at this show too, he’s very connected and has a lot of free weekends. And I know that you’re thinking – you can catch Indie Rock icons Violent Femmes on the New York stop of their tour without Lindsay. But honestly she’s not been in an emotionally great place since the break-up and if you went without her things could get…messy.

Titus Andronicus

It’s a house show. It’s Adam’s house. They would need the SWAT team on standby.

Joyce Manor

Emo/punk legends Joyce Manor are in town and Adam actually hates Joyce Manor, so you and Lindsay are in the clear right? Wrong. This new girl Adam’s seeing likes Joyce Manor, what if she’s there? What if he’s with her???

Bright Eyes

Trailblazers of the Omaha scene Bright Eyes are touring and if you can believe it, Adam actually ran a Bright Eyes fan forum back in the 2000s, so he’s like a freakin’ Bright Eyes celebrity. Now you and Lindsay can’t even really see ANY Conor Oberst projects which is so FUCKED.

Tigers Jaw

Tigers Jaw seems to be touring constantly. Remember the three of you saw them together the last time they toured? Adam bright his buddy Rick and you two made out a bit then Rick said he was married and started crying. So that’s a whole emotional minefield now.

Slaughter, Beach Dog

Also touring is Slaughter, Beach Dog the band fronted by Jake Ewald formerly of Modern Baseball …and also formerly a classmate of Adam’s in middle school? This guy ALWAYS has an angle.

The New Pornographers

Vancouver indie outfit fronted by Neko Case is on the road in 2024. Also Neko Case was Adam’’s hall pass when he and Lindsay were together, so that’s very triggering for her now.

Cloud Nothings

So this one was a whole fight. You told Lindsay you love Cloud Nothings and you’re going to see them regardless of Adam. She said that you were a bad friend AND that their last album wasn’t good. While you were fighting the show sold out.

The Walkmen

2000s indie band The Walkmen are touring and Adam won’t be there! But your ex Danny will. Also so will Lindsay. No fucking loyalty.

Yo La Tengo

Last weekend Adam and Lindsay ran into each other at a bar on the Lower East Side. They started chatting and it was like no time had passed, they couldn’t even remember why they broke up. They talked until last call, then he walked her home. They saw the sun rise. There was something still there, between them. On a whim they bought Yo La Tengo tickets together. But in the morning, things looked different. Nothing had really changed, their problems were still their problems. They decided no one should go to the show. They both sold their tickets.

LCD Soundsystem

Adam’s an American Express card holder.

Condominium Named After Iconic Venue It Displaced

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

DENVER — Developers of a new luxury condominium announced that their new building would be named ‘The Hippodrome’ after the legendary music venue that was torn down to make way for the new structure, sources who failed to see the irony reported.

“The Hippodrome was such a seminal part of this neighborhood and was one the city’s last independently owned venues, so, naturally, we wanted to pay it tribute,” said developer Adrian Murphy. “The common area is designed as an homage to the rock and roll history that makes this neighborhood so hot right now. We’ve also partnered with LiveNation so that music aficionados here can get exclusive deals on all the biggest concerts. Plus, residents will have easy access to the Trader Joe’s, Target, and Lulemon for everything they need.”

Longtime residents didn’t lament the latest change in the neighborhood so much as finding it odd.

“I always thought the whole point of moving to the city was to escape the monotony of the suburbs, so it seems weird how excited people are about this sort of thing,” noted local homeowner, Bob Kelly. “With remote work, if all you want is upscale chains, it’d probably be cheaper to just stay in the suburbs, wouldn’t it? Look, I’m probably as guilty as anyone of playing a role in this happening, but at this stage I don’t even know why people still want to move here. Anything that made this neighborhood interesting has long since closed or been sold.”

Responding to the criticism, real estate analysts were quick to point out that developers were simply giving consumers what they wanted.

“The reality is that this is just the free market in action, as much as people want to lament it, “ noted investor Kevin Bender. “People like having these creature comforts nearby and looking at the property values there it’s what’s in demand. If an independent business is strong, it will survive. Take this bar in my neighborhood, O’Flaherty’s, it delivers on — what do you mean it’s closing? They’re turning it into a what? Aw, that’s bullshit man. Swear to god, everywhere cool in my neighborhood is getting priced out. ”

Studios at The Hippodrome start at $750,000 and will feature a burly dude in a hoodie as concierge.

30 Goosebumps Books Ranked by How Close They Came To Inspiring Me To Learn How To Read

Posted on by Dan Rice

My name is Mark Brooks, father of four, owner of Brooks Construction Fencing Rental Co., and, sorry liberals, a proud functioning illiterate.

Teacher after teacher tried to get me to read growing up, and every one of them wound up either going crazy or resigning in disgrace. Why? Because I just plain didn’t want to. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and I knew I didn’t need to know how to read to get there. They don’t write books on how to inherit your dad’s well-connected construction fence rental company, it just happens.

The one thing that almost got me to budge was the Goosebumps book series. They were insanely popular growing up, and every few months when the Scholastic Book Fair came through, picking up the latest one was a huge status symbol. They became all the other kids would talk about during lunch. It was a shameless push by Big Words to make reading seem cool, but I have to admit it almost worked on me. Ultimately however, you didn’t actually need to read the books to get that free Pizza Hut, and Mortal Kombat 2 had just come out, so I was a hard pass on learning to read.

Do I regret my decision? Absolutely not. You don’t need to know what a check says to cash it, and since my dad’s company practically runs itself, cashing checks is about all I do. Still, I gotta give credit where credit is due. Here are the top 30 Goosebumps novels that very nearly inspired me to read.

30. THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN OF PASADENA

Coming in last is this latter-day R.L. Stine entry. A snowman in Pasadena? I don’t need to read to know that makes absolutely no sense.

29. HOW I LEARNED TO FLY

This one actually got me closer than any book on the list to wishing I could read, but once a friend told me the book didn’t actually teach you how to fly I couldn’t possibly care less. The picture on the cover isn’t even cool, what’s the point?

28. GHOST CAMP

I don’t need to know how to read to know that something called “Ghost Camp” is a lazy, derivative rehash of well-worn horror tropes not worth going through all the trouble of learning the difference between consonants and vowels.

27. WEREWOLF SKIN

Pretty cool cover art, but when you think about it, the skin is like the least scary part of the werewolf. It’s the fur, fangs, and claws that do all the heavy lifting fear-wise. Pretty astute breakdown from an illiterate huh? Alexa, add thinky face emoji.

26. WHY I’M AFRAID OF BEES

Hmm, maybe because they sting? Wow, look at that, I solved the case! And all without reading a single word ever in my life. It’s almost like Mrs. Hoopler was wrong and wasted her time trying to “get through” to me.

25. CALLING ALL CREEPS

It’s got a bunch of rad dinosaurs on the cover, which was pretty cool in the zeitgeist at the time, but thankfully Jim Henson came out with a little TV show called “Dinosaurs” so kids like me didn’t need to read to enjoy them. That man did so much for children!

24. THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY’S TOMB

Honestly, there are way cooler-looking mummies on other Goosebumps books. Swing and a miss as usual Scholastic.

23. REVENGE OF THE LAWN GNOMES

As a boy my father would sometimes bring me to job sites and help take down fencing, to build character. He assured me that this was just for appearances because poors liked that kind of thing, and I didn’t really need to do anything. Still, I hated it, because sometimes we would be working at people’s homes, and there would be lawn gnomes. Who were they? Why did they look so smug, what did they want?! I thought if I knew how to read this book could give me some insight, but then Dad got me a new BMX and I forgot all about it.

22. THE WEREWOLF OF FEVER SWAMP

I do love werewolves, but you know how it is. You sit down to learn to read and it’s all “conjugate this” and “pluralize that” and aaaah, it’s just a mess. Thank god for generational wealth.

21. A NIGHT IN TERROR TOWER

From what I gleaned during lunchroom chatter, this one’s about two boys who visit the Tower of Terror. As a lifelong Disney season pass holder I firmly say “Big deal.”

20. YOU CAN’T SCARE ME!

Put it back on the shelf as soon as my friend Tommy read the title for me. If the book was boasting that it COULD scare me, that would be something, but this? Man, why does anyone learn to read?

19. A SHOCKER ON SHOCK STREET

The giant ant on the cover is badass, but I know a dumb title when I hear it. “Shock Street?” Really R.L. Stine? I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, because you are an author and I am a well-to-do functioning illiterate, but you can do better.

18. PIANO LESSONS CAN BE MURDER

This one had me intrigued. My mother insisted that I take piano lessons and I hated them. I thought that maybe armed with the knowledge in this book’s pages I could make the case that piano lessons were dangerous, and she would stop making me go. Luckily, she became clinically depressed before any of that happened, and stopped taking me.

17. THE HEADLESS GHOST

Double threat! Ghosts are scary, headless dudes are scary, a headless ghost?! Super scary. At least that was my initial thought. Then, as I approached the Scholastic checkout, I couldn’t help but think “Is this overkill?” A headless ghost is sort of a hat on a hat. Or, rather, a lack of hat on a lack of head? I don’t know, either way, nothing worth learning an entire written language for.

16. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

It’s like how Mrs. Hoopler wished I would start learning to read, and I never did. See? You don’t need to be literate to understand metaphors.

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VFW Show Ends Early When Guy Leaning Against Wall Accidentally Turns on Light Switch

Posted on by Mike Maher

TORRINGTON, Conn. – The 3rd Annual Powerviolence Prom ended earlier than scheduled when an audience member accidentally flipped on the VFW hall lights, instantly triggering everyone in attendance to vacate the venue, sources close to the event confirmed.

“7 songs into our 43-song set and then out of nowhere the fluorescent lights come on and light the place up like a Target,” said Mark Hightower, vocalist of opening band Nailgunner. “At first I thought the cops shut us down. So I started ranting about the oppressive stronghold the police state has on our civil liberties, most importantly, our right to fucking rock. But nobody cared. The room emptied quicker than I could yell, ‘Free Mumia!’ The only ones left were a drunk vet who shit himself and Trevor (Calwell), the scene idiot, leaning up against literally the only light switch in the VFW hall, totally oblivious, playing Wordle on his phone like he knows how to spell and shit.”

Merch guy Gabe Beets recounted how one flick of a switch ended more than just the show.

“I don’t sleep, I don’t eat,” a gaunt Beets mumbled between slurps on a ketchup packet. “I drive the van. Haul gear. Sling merch. Did I mention I drive the van? The only shuteye I get is when Nailgunner plays because no one buys merch during their set. Before or after, either. Anyway, I was dreaming about a full night’s sleep when everything changed in the blink of an eye. My circadian rhythm is fucking trash right now. Guess I’ll ‘Sleep when I’m dead’ as the saying goes, which will probably be tonight when I nod off behind the wheel.”

Bev Littlejohn, adjunct psychology professor and Gem Club president at Tunxis Community College, explained the impetus behind the sudden exodus.

“Textbook classical conditioned response,” Littlejohn said while buffing a geode. “House lights turn on, in this case poorly maintained drop-in fluorescent fixtures with multiple burned-out lamps, and everyone goes, ‘Welp, show’s over!’ Behaviorism at its most basic and punk at its most pathetic. These so-called individuals were a little too quick to take the Pavlovian bait, in my professional opinion. When I got struck by lightning at H.O.R.D.E. Fest in ‘96, you think it stopped me from seeing Rusted Root? You bet your fern it didn’t!”

At press time, despite never having served in the military, the wasted veterans at the bar made Calwell an honorary VFW member for putting an abrupt end to “that godawful horseshit.”

Every Soundgarden Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Soundgarden’s influence on the alternative/hard rock world never gets the love and flowers that it should, and we implore you to dive into their sonic and Superduperduper legacy. Ugly truth: The core four-piece of Soundgarden consisting of the late Cornell, Kim Thayil on hair/beard, Ben Shepherd on pie, and Matt Cameron on jam that comes from a clam, was the same from 1990 until their hiatus in 1997, and then such for their brief reunion from 2010-2017… Head down!

6. King Animal (2012)

There was clearly a longing for another Soundgarden LP after their fifth/underrated LP “Down on the Upside,” and “King Animal,” the band’s first album in SIXTEEN years, wasn’t exactly sweet like that godawful MTV show featuring miscreant teenagers and even worse parents, but it’s always saccharine to hear Soundgarden. Also, another note worth mentioning is that this record debuted at number five on the Billboard 200, proving our hypothesis that we tested in a lab with our own blood all over the Canoga Park lab’s hamster feces-stained floor.
Anyway, Soundgarden are more than self-aware, and it’s badass that this LP began with a song called “Been Away Too Long,” which was technically a fact-based opinion, and that said tune is the most superior one on “King Animal.” Sadly, the band never had a chance to make a follow-up, as Chris Cornell passed away five years later.

Play it again: “Been Away Too Long”
Skip it: “Bones Of Birds“

5. Ultramega OK (1988)

Whether you know it or not, Soundgarden are punk as fook, and their debut LP “Ultramega OK” came out on the rockin’ Easter of 1998 via Milo Aukerman of Bad Brains’ SST Records. Also, the band has mad Seattle cred because their prior EPs “Screaming Life” and “Fopp” were released via the legendary Sub Pop Records, former home to Foo Fighters, No Use For A Name, and Lady Gaga. Admittedly, the band wasn’t happy with how this record sounded production-wise, and publicly disavowed and disparaged the studio album on multiple occasions. Still, it’s not THAT bad, friends, but it obviously would’ve been ranked higher here if another producer sat behind the boards! In a clever way to showcase that the band was, uh, clever, track three is called “665,” and track five is called “667,” showcasing an obvious Satanic gap in the “Beyond the Wheel” position.

Play it again: “Beyond the Wheel”
Skip it: Speaking of driving, “Nazi Drivers,” and nazis, but not drivers, unless they are nazis

4. Down on the Upside (1996)

What’s weird about this incredible album is that it both deserves to be ranked higher AND lower at the same damn time; woah, Nelly! That is the beautifully clean, and not epically dusty paradox about Soundgarden, and their last ‘90s record “Down on the Upside” is pretty much all killer no filler front to back, up and down, side and on, and most importantly, tighter, tighter, pretty, and a rhinoceros that is a pacifist and doesn’t kill anyone in its way. Also, three of this album’s four singles are pretty unparalleled 20th-century rock songs in “Pretty Noose,” “Burden in My Hand,” and the epic AF “Blow Up the Outside World,” which is a top five single for the band, and don’t @ us if you disagree… Actually, please do in the comments.

Play it again: “Blow Up the Outside World”
Skip it: “Switch Opens”

3. Louder Than Love (1989)

Soundgarden’s sophomore LP/debut major label release “Louder Than Love,” which was released via A&M Records, former home to Bryan Adams, Sheryl Crow, Extreme, and Masked Intruder, rocks so much quieter than hate, and is the last SG studio album listed here with a “skip it” track. The band certainly ended the ‘80s in style with this one, and foreshadowed a new wave of popular music in the ‘90s that quickly killed Winger and Stewart Stevenson dead. In addition, the album’s cover art helped form a simple aesthetic in the ‘90s that highlighted sincere and badass rock in the Pacific Northwest. It must also be said that Terry Date, who later epically produced classic albums from Mother Love Bone, Deftones, Handsome, and Ugly, absolutely (out)shines here.

Play it again: “Loud Love”
Skip it: “Hands All Over,” which is a tough call, but we can’t endorse lines like “kill your mother” as we have a conscience or at least an inkling of one; put your hands away

2. Badmotorfinger (1991)

1991 was one of the most reverential/historic years for rock music since 1969, as Nirvana released “Nevermind,” Pearl Jam came out with “Ten,” Red Hot Chili Peppers finally put California on the map with “Blood Sugar Sex Magik,” and Keith Sweat released the metal album that ended all metal albums known as “Keep It Comin’.” While Soundgarden’s third LP “Badmotorfinger” had far less of an influence on popular culture than the others we listed above, it was truly a grower, and not a shower, and gets a lot of attention in rooms more than a thousand years wide and on top ten lists in inferior publications to this day. That says a lot about the staying power of “Badmotorfinger” and the combination of three words into one, which happened again for the band in 1994… And now we’re almost through, which started out “super,” and eventually became “known”!

Play it again: Front to back and then back to front
Skip it: A band-aid that is a bad, bad baby

1. Superunknown (1994)

“Black Hole Sun” is one of the weirdest songs by far to infect MTV, radio, high school gymnasiums, and your ratty cousin in Idaho’s boombox with one working speaker in the best way. Like its predecessor in 1991, Soundgarden picked a hell of a year to release their most superior LP “Superunknown,” and a wave of rock peers in different worlds like Weezer, The Offspring, Green Day, and Boyz II Men all came out with the albums that they are most known for in 1994. “Superunknown” stormed the gates of BIllboard with a number one spot on their top 200, and no one really complained about that, and Michael Beinhorn certainly didn’t, but YOU will. To close this tragically, it is forever haunting that this album closed with a song called “Like Suicide.” Our thoughts are always with the Cornell family, but not with Andy Bernard. Let him drown.

Play it again: Back to front and then front to back
Skip it: Whatever drugs Howard Douglas Greenhalgh, the director of the “Black Hole Sun” music video, was on in college

Guy Wearing DragonForce Shirt Politely Reminds Family He Carries Shurikens, Not “Ninja Stars”

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CLEVELAND — DragonForce fan and master of the secret art of the ninja Josh Mullins once again reminded members of his family that the weapons he is most skilled in are called “shurikens” and not “ninja stars” as they so clumsily call them, pencil-necked sources report.

“Love and respecting family is a crucial part of the shadow warrior’s code in which I live by, and although I do, they also make me very frustrated with their cavalier approach to the deadly arts,” Mullins said, adding that such display of their lack of respect would warrant Hara-Kiri in most other cultures. “I’m constantly reminding them, ‘They’re not numb-chucks, they’re nunchaku.’ And ‘They’re not Dragging Porch, they’re Dragonforce.’ I know the whole point of being a ninja is about stealth and not being seen, but this is starting to cause psychological damage!”

The amateur ninja warrior’s father Gary Mullins wished his son would take other things in life as seriously as he does power metal and lore.

“Cheryl and I support Joshua’s hobbies, even though he ordered three katana swords this month, but I draw the line at power metal,” the father of three explained. “But is there really any money in being a stealth assassin? I suppose if he went to work for the C.I.A. or something, but Joshua could never pass a civil service test. I just pray he snaps out of this phase one day and focuses on his education, and stops putting ninja star holes in my basement walls.”

Jiu-jitsu expert and metalhead Harvey “The Crane” Williams explains that families are often confused by their interests.

“Although 85% of them are, it’s not easy being one who practices the martial arts while simultaneously being a heavy metal fan,” Williams stated, “Sure, knowing the perfect karate chop to take down an intruder can come in handy sometimes, it comes at a cost. A lot of times, metalheads think their parents don’t need to buy home protection because they listened to the ‘Shinjitsu’ record once and broke some boards with their fists so they’ll protect them. But when your metalhead son is blackout drunk and playing ‘Skyrim’ as they get burglarized, it’s already too late.”

At press time, Mullins’ father took away his “Guitar Hero” controller, threatening to not give it back until he replaced the ceiling fan he destroyed while practicing backflips in the living room.

6 Awesome Guitar Licks You Can Learn if You Stop Masturbating for Even a Few Minutes

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We’ve all heard it before: guitar is easy to play, difficult to master, especially for chronic masturbators. However, some of the most ass-kicking riffs in music history are surprisingly easy to learn if you could really focus up and stop pleasuring yourself to Internet pornography for just a little bit. We know there’s a lot available out there, but c’mon. It’ll just take a second.

Seriously, just give it a rest and check these ballbusting six-string behemoths, which are surprisingly rudimentary for anyone who can focus on anything but a self-induced orgasm.

1. “Smoke on the Water” Deep Purple

Deep Purple guitarist Ritchie Blackmore came up with this iconic early heavy metal riff after listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony and smoking a fat doobie, which is why even the dumbest of stoners can play it after taking a bong hit and watching the 1992 family film Beethoven.

All it will take for you to make that sweet, sweet sound is to stop making sweet love to your own self, just for a bit. Like, you can do it later. Just check out “Machine Head.”

Goddammit, I forgot the album has “head” in the title.

2. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” Nirvana

That was a step backward, we can all admit that. Let’s move on to the least sexy song of all time, Nirvana’s breakthrough hit “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

Okay, get those fingers up on the frets. If Kurt Cobain could play this while thinking of nothing but how to screw Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic out of royalties, you can do it while thinking of nothing but the 37 Pornhub tabs you have open right now!

Let’s just watch the music video to get the riff in your head…fuck, sexy goth cheerleaders! Also, the ones in the video!

3. “Seven Nation Army” The White Stripes

The White Stripes. “Seven Nation Army.” The best and also stupidest riff to ever grace an NFL stadium at the cost of Jack White’s soul.

Let’s do this. It’s not difficult. You just have to stop masturbating for a moment.

Stop. Just stop.

4. “I Wanna Be Your Dog” The Stooges

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and some people here can’t fucking stop whacking it long enough for their guitar pick to stop chafing them, so here we are at the Stooges.

This riff is a fucking beast, and everyone playing on this song was on heroin, leaving them unable to get hard, wet, or anything in between. Hopefully, we can channel that energy into some non-sexual, hard-rockin’…

Nope, moving on.

5. “Rise Above” Black Flag

You can still do it to this? Seriously?

6. “Erotic City” Prince

Fuck it, we’re giving you “Erotic City” by the most sexually charged man to ever live. See if we fucking care what you do with it.

It’s a good riff, and you could totally master it in like 15 minutes, but nope.

Just masturbate and think about that for a minute.

Job for a Cowboy Clarify They Are Talking About a Footjob

Posted on by Freelancer

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Tech death metal and former deathcore darlings Job for a Cowboy explained the sexual implications of their name once and for all, according to a statement by the band.

“I thought the signs were always there, but apparently I have to spell it out: the ‘job’ in Job for a Cowboy is, of course, a footjob,” said founder and singer Jonny Davy, who moonlights as a moderator on Wikifeet. “It’s when someone… well… they take off their socks, dump a good amount of lube on their arches. Maybe it’s best if you just Google it, but do it in a private tab, and definitely don’t do it at work. Most of our albums and songs have been about footjobs. What did you all think ‘Entombment of a Machine’ or ‘The Celestial Antidote’ were referring to? Get your head in the gutters, already.”

Longtime fans of the band expressed surprise at the revelation of the band’s true common themes.

“I always thought their stuff was about like, corruption and religion, so I’m not sure how to feel about all this foot masturbation stuff,” confessed fan Greg Hortley, who has seen Job for a Cowboy 7 times. “But now I am noticing little hidden feet in the album artwork and hearing whispers of ‘pinky pinky toe’ panned hard left in some songs. The ‘Doom’ EP is one of my favorite albums ever, and I just gave a copy to my teenage nephew who is just getting into metal. Now, I gotta sneak in and steal that weirdo shit back.”

Cowboys offered a possible explanation for the link between their profession and foot-based sexual stimulation.

“Not a lot of people know this, but the life of a cowboy is about 30% ranching, 70% footjobs,” said longtime Arizona rancher Ned O’Malley. “Receiving and giving, mind you. I’ve seen a ton of country music fans move out to the prairie because they think they can hang with the real cowboys. But when it comes time to stroke off someone with your feet or shove a toe somewhere, they run back to their lattes and apartments. Life on the farm ain’t for everyone, I can tell you that.”

Since the announcement, rumors have swirled that Quentin Tarantino has tapped Job for a Cowboy to score his next film.

Photo by Hervegirod.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Fight Off The Impending Bedbug Army

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music. Of course, you don’t know that because you’ve been listening to Title Fight exclusively for the last five years. To say we’re concerned about you doesn’t even begin to describe our level of disturbance. There’s an entire world out there, and you’re banishing yourself from it with your dated and uncomplicated tastes. Fear not, we’re here to break you out of the vicious cycle that has consumed you whole. Here are eight songs to help guide you into a magical state in which you have relevant pop-culture references and maybe even friends.

Blink-182 “Dance With Me”

As their forthcoming album looms ever closer, the newly reformed blink-182 continues to pummel us with new hit after new hit. “Dance With Me” – whose accompanying video features an inexplicable scene in which a nearly 50-year-old Tom Delonge, dressed as a barely passable Joey Ramone, breaks through a wall to non-consensually grab a guy’s dick – is as much of a return to form as any we’ve heard from the band at this point. It’s got that thing where the guitar drops out and Mark just plays a single bass note really fast with the drums. It’s got a chant along part in the chorus (featuring an ‘o’le’ for some reason). It also has Travis doing his patented batshit drum fills all over the place. Sure, it’s no ‘First Date,’ but it gets the job done.

FIDLAR “Move On”

FIDLAR’s latest details the trials and tribulations of starting anew when ‘best friends turn into used-to-be-friends’ according to lead singer Zac Carter. Weaving from genres as disparate as metal and ska, ‘Move On’ is a blistering ride that is sure to make you feel better about your utter and complete inability to accept adulthood realities and their sorrows. While we’re used to hearing the likes of the now-trio FIDLAR on video game soundtracks like ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater,’ it appears this single in particular is headed for EA Sports’ upcoming ‘NHL 2K4’ soundtrack, fulfilling long foretold punk and hardcore prophecies.

Lung “Cash Machine”

Cincinnati, Ohio’s larger than life cello/drum duo is back at it. This time in the form of a split LP with Conan Neutron & the Secret Friends, entitled ‘Adult Prom.’ While we’re pretty sure it’s the soundtrack to the scariest imaginary school dance we’ve ever attended, it undeniably rips in its entirety. If you’re new to either band, ‘Cash Machine’ – which is sadly not a cover of Shelley FKA Dram’s song of the same name, but still great – serves as an incredible primer for those getting into Lung, as it features their signature dizzying harmonies and shark-toothed cello from Kate Wakefield, as well as kick-your-entire-shit-in drums from Daisy Caplan.

Mary Lynn “Turn It Around”

Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if Taylor Swift hung out with a bunch of dirty punks (Matt Healy doesn’t count) and recorded a rock record? Wonder no more, because singer-songwriter Mary Lynn has made your depraved thoughts a reality. On her third record, ‘Where I Wanna Be,’ MMFL (as she is lovingly known as by fans) blends her trademark powerhouse hooks and lyrical vulnerability with ferocious guitars and a thundering rhythm section, marking a notable departure from her previous piano-driven efforts. Album highlight ‘Turn It Around’ is a raucous power-pop hit that’s sure to ‘turn around’ whatever sour mood you’re inevitably in today.

Jobs “There Is Differing”

We’ll be honest, we’re not sure this is even music but that isn’t stopping one of our senior writers from playing it on repeat while demanding we acknowledge it as such. To say it’s grown on us would be an understatement. Brooklyn’s experimental quartet JOBS has a long history of toying with the boundaries of the indie-pop-realm, and ‘This Is Differing’ from their latest album ‘Soft Sounds’ is anything but ‘differing’ from their norm. While their genre is incredibly difficult to pinpoint, be warned that this track may kick-start your recurring prog phase. We won’t apologize to you or your friends due to the aforementioned warning.

Blood Command “Bare Witness”

Oh shiiiiiiit. Blood Command is back, and apparently with a fucking vengeance. Their latest album ‘World Domination’ rips through twenty blazing death pop tracks in just over a half an hour, making for a disorienting, chaotic, incredibly satisfying ride. Album highlight ‘Bare Witness’ combines some of the band’s heaviest elements into one mini-epic that barely breaks the two-minute mark. Let this be a lesson that no one wants to wait a full three minutes for your hardcore band to get to the breakdown.

U.D.O “Touchdown”

Fall is here. It’s the season of colorful crunchy leaves, gourd flavored coffee drinks, and grown men having near heart attacks and brain aneurysms when their favorite football team fails to do the thing they’re supposed to do with the ball, or whatever. Whether you’re a rabid fan or think the whole sport is stupid, Germany’s long-standing heavy metal institution U.D.O has you covered with their single ‘Touchdown.’ Maybe it’s syntax, but the brilliant thing about this one is there is no way to tell if its lyrics are sincere or satirical, making it a great song to play on game day or in front of the friends to which you pretend not to like sports.

Viagra Boys “Punk Rock Loser”

Every weekday, at around 8:55 in the morning, a flurry of interns at Hard Times HQ scramble to set up a complex series of Bluetooth speakers leading to the front door of our offices. From there they queue up last year’s Viagra Boys single ‘Punk Rock Loser’ and wait for our Managing Editor’s Uber to arrive. A clause in her contract requires us to provide her with a walk-in theme. It’s incredibly disruptive, and it doesn’t look half as cool as she thinks it does when she walks in deliberate slow-motion to the entrance of the writer’s room, but rules are rules and we’re afraid of her lawyer.

Is Outlaw Country Back? I’m “Permanently Banned” From This Texas Roadhouse

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

Ride ’em in rawhide. From the Rough Riders of the Old West to the wandering yodel of Hank Williams, being a true outlaw is planted deep within the DNA of America. So when I was getting my ass tossed from Texas Roadhouse a week ago I knew that Outlaw Country was coming back and somewhere up in heaven Waylon and the boys were smiling down on me while lighting up a few cigs and blowing a few lines of the ole Devil’s Dandruff.

The original outlaws of country music knew that their sound would never be accepted by the gatekeepers of Nashville. They were a little too rough, a little too ragged, a little too loud. That is exactly how I felt when I pulled into that Texas Roadhouse parking lot a week ago. The corporate big wigs had all their rules and regulations in place but big fucking deal. I knew they were never going to contain me. I was going to give the people what they wanted, whether they wanted it or not.

Waylon, Willie, Johnny and the boys knew that before they stepped out on that stage they had to properly fuel up. I parked my ass at the bar and immediately ordered three shots of Everclear with three pickle backs.I knocked the shots back and settled in. I destroyed the complimentary bread and apple butter. I ordered another three shots and three picklebacks. I immediately went into the bathroom to vomit. I couldn’t be stopped, the country legends were speaking to me.

I stumbled back to my barstool in true outlaw fashion, the vomit still hot on my breath. Nothing was going to stop me now. I lit up a cigarette and the barkeep told me “I’m sorry sir, there’s no smoking here.” Did he have any idea who he was talking to?

I replied to him with a simple, “you think I give a fuck?”

I then lit the napkin with my lighter. The embers from the cigarette and napkin were fueling my desire. There was no turning back now, I was a country legend. After I lit two more cigarettes much to the dismay of the bartender he apparently had enough and Security escorted me out.

All in all it was a successful day for this country legend and I knew I had done my part to keep the tradition alive.