SAGINAW, Mich. — Father, husband, and delivery driver Gary Lillet recently exhumed his Fender Telecaster guitar and Peavey Classic 30 amp from a storage unit, leaving the rest of his family in a state of fear, embarrassment, and panic.
“I started seeing some worrying signs a few months ago–Gary started rewatching his Led Zeppelin ‘The Song Remains the Same’ DVD while slugging Evan Williams bourbon,” recalled wife Doreen Lillet, who is thankful to have a divorce attorney as a sister. “Then one day, he lugged the amp in from the car, wheezing heavily as the kids and I watched in horror. He hasn’t plugged it in yet, but he keeps saying things about needing ‘some strings and pedals and a capo.’ What the fuck is he talking about? My god, my family is falling apart.”
Mr. Lillet hopes to start jamming with some coworkers and learn some covers, completely unaware of the devastating effects it will have on his loved ones.
“I haven’t been this excited about anything since before I had kids. I can’t wait to jam with the fellas!” exclaimed Lillet, who hasn’t yet told his wife that he was recently laid off from his UPS job. “It just feels good to be excited about music again and get the blood flowing with some good ol’ fashioned classic rock. I have a lot more free time on my hands because of, uh, reasons. But that’s neither here nor there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta find and print some tabs for ‘Gimme Three Steps.’”
Veterans of the music industry offered their analysis of this common type of mid-life crisis.
“A dude like that walks in here almost every day, and I can tell by the doofy expression exactly what is happening,” explained Drew Noreldo, longtime sales associate at the Guitar Center in northern Saginaw. “They seem confused, scared, and hopeful while simultaneously looking sadder than an abandoned three-legged puppy. I help them by selling them on the most garish guitars or expensive pedals in the shop and send them on their way. Those are my biggest paydays. Is it unethical? Maybe. But they’ll play two shows at the local bar before quitting, and I need to pay rent. So down this path I continue.”
The Lillet Family situation has reportedly worsened significantly after Gary was caught creating a Facebook page for his currently unnamed band and inviting all of his children’s friends to like it.
Michael Mann’s adaptation of “Red Dragon,” the prequel to “The Silence of The Lambs” is stylish, kinetic and truly unnerving. Brian Cox’s take on Hannibal Lecter is severely underrated, and character actor Tom Noonan is every bit as unsettling as he would go on to be in films like “The House of the Devil.” I just threw up a bunch of creepy crawlers. There isn’t much time.
Vampires wreak havoc on an isolated Alaskan town that experiences 30 straight days of darkness every winter. It’s an interesting premise that the film doesn’t quite live up to, but my right foot is now a Gizmo doll and I’m not sure if “The Grey” counts as horror so let’s move on.
Angered that God gave souls to man, an archangel played by Christopher Walken wages war in heaven, and seeks the ultimate weapon, which is a retired general in Arizona for some reason. It’s a lot less scary now that I know catholicism is bogus and whatever religion that lady who cursed me follows is clearly the right one.
Fun fact: The original Jason Voorhees costume from “Friday The 13th Part 2” is a direct ripoff of the killer in this movie, which is based on actual events.
There are a ton of horror movies set in L.A., but none of them are quite as iconic as this San Fransisco-based remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” The movie starts with a cozy ‘70s vibe which soon gives way to paranoia, an unhinged young Jeff Goldblum, and one of the most unnerving endings in film history. There, I made my decision. Please spirits, stop turning my thumb into a people-pod!
Easy pick here. “The Shining” isn’t just considered one of the greatest horror movies of all time, it’s considered one of the greatest movies period. Hey, I just got a shining from the witch lady who cursed me. She says this is a waste of time and I suck.
There’s nothing more Connecticut than a small haunted hotel in a quaint little town. Based on and primarily filmed in an allegedly haunted Inn in Torrington CT, Ty West’s “The Innkeepers” is an instant classic of New England horror. Hey, spirits, can I have my penis back?
Not Romero’s best, arguably his worst in fact, but do you know how many movies are set in Deleware? Like five.
The worst entry of Romero’s initial Dead trilogy is still one of the best zombie movies ever made. It can’t be said to really capture the essence of Florida since most of the movie takes place in an underground bunker, but then again if I had to live in Florida that’s where I would want to stay too. In real life, there are worse things than zombies in the Sunshine State.
This B-movie classic is set in Georgia, and Michael Moriarty has the community theater-level southern accent to prove it!
Longtime, casual and fair-weather fans of The Aquabats’ music, personas, stage clothes, and goofy, goofy banter likely don’t know too much about the band’s newest LP “Kooky Spooky… In Stereo” as it came out at the height of the pandemic, and we all had other things to think about. Still, like its six predecessors, this LP puts the “enjo” in “enjoyable,” and this record is absolutely perfect for bubbly babies, acerbically witty adolescents, newly married twenty-somethings, and ne’er do well nursing homes sans Ben Stiller’s character in “Happy Gilmore” but with Wheel of Fortune’s letter turner Bob Barker. Continuing the sterling and sound tradition that the band started on their fourth studio album “Charge!,” the wild and crazy (The) Aquabats ended each song title with an exclamation point, and were happy to yell this at the sun in both bold and italic… They just want to party!
The Aquabats’ fourth LP “Charge!!” actually doubles as a naval command and an Uber/Lyft shriek, and picks up where its odd-in-the-best way third/underrated record “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” with an almost total upstroke elimination segueing into Devo territory. Released on The Offspring and American Airlines’ Dexter Holland and the former Offspring bassist, Greg K. of Kmart’s now-defunct label Nitro Records, previous home to AFI, Crime in Stereo, formerly featuring current Aquabats guitarist Ian “Eagle ‘Bones’ Falconhawk” Fowles, who joined The Aquabats on their next wet release, “Hi-Five Soup!,” Son of Sam, and ColdBrew, this record served as a comeback to many misinformed dumbos who were turned off by its fantastic predecessor. The band released various compilations, EPs, and laserdiscs between album number three and four, and this LP had the longest gap between full-lengths until the year of our lord known as 2020.
Hey homies, “Hi-Five Soup!” is undoubtedly the best Aquabats LP of the 21st century, and we will get soaked for its cause. Its album cover is a fun outer space venture honoring New England Clam Chowder’s relationship with your left hand, whilst your right one swings back in the form of a former B.F.F. fisticuff session twice to honor each exclamation point in this studio album’s title, providing awesome forces in your dreams/pants. Fun fact: The late and great distinct rapper/icon/Czar Biz Markie is featured on track four, “Radio Down?” and said song provides a confluence of emotions and/or an FM wheelie! Speaking of features, Strong Bad, a fictional character from “Homestar Runner” also cameos on “Pink Pants! In closing, The Aquabats’ independently filmed TV pilot “The Aquabats! Super Show!” got picked up by The Hub a few months after this record came out.
The one that started it all, “The Return of The Aquabats,” is actually a sequel to a self-titled LP that doesn’t exist? The world may never know! Speaking of sequels, “Martian Girl,” “Idiot Box,” and “Playdough” appear in re-recorded form on “The Fury of The Aquabats,” and “Playdough” itself has the distinction of being this album’s opening track and its follow-up’s bonus hidden track… It’s crazy, man! Self-released on their own label Horchata Records, also home to the underrated Attaboy Skip, and eventually re-released by Fearless Records, the current home to Chase Atlantic, Boys Like Girls, and Bon Jovi six years later, we want to give a shout out to the OG AB mega line-up consisting of The Caped Commander, The Caped Crusader, Chain Saw, OC’s Chain Reaction, The Brain, Pinky, Crash McLarson, Crash Romeo, Roddy B., “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Nacho, Queso, Cat Boy, Batgirl, Prince A., and Meghan Markle.
The Aquabats’ third album “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” is the last of three LPs to contain the band’s name in its title, but this one is divisive amongst the band’s fans and polarizing for others. Still, this is the band’s last 1990s album, and caused the then-eight piece much pain and strife, as it fell quite short of expected sales, forced the band to be dropped from the label one year later, and created a hiatus of sorts for the next batch of years. Sometimes great art isn’t appreciated by the public until years later, or ever, as people be stupid, but this record stands the test of time for its creativity. To put it simply, no album from any band pre-1999 and 2000-beyond sounds like this one, and “Giant Robot-Birdhead” should be an anthem for anyone with taste… Hello/good night!
Sophomore slump or comeback of the year? Both? Neither? The Aquabats execute surf guitar in some form on each LP, but this album “The Fury of The Aquabats has a theme song and a metaphorical one echoing peak Dick Dale. 1997 was also a peak year for the ska/ska-punk/third-wave/swing world with the ultra-successful The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Let’s Face It,” Goldfinger’s “Hang-Ups,” Save Ferris’ “It Means Everything,” and Lord Belial’s two-tone classic “Enter the Moonlight Gate” records. Also, this album briefly broke the band into the mainstream with the band’s now-anthem “Super Rad!,” of which Scullions’ Bobcat “Evil but Eventually Good Zed from ‘Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment’ and several other of its sequels, or “Shakes the Clown” if you Want to Laugh/Cry” Goldthwait directed was featured on your idiot box via MTV.
