NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Pop megastar Taylor Swift shocked fans all over the country when she broadcast a message that it is almost time to shed their physical bodies and ascend, multiple excited sources confirmed.
“Mother is feeding us well. We’ve been waiting for this day for years and I’m reading to take my place beside her in our new interdimensional realm where ex-boyfriends do all our bidding,” said Tabitha Knight, a devout Taylor Swift fan since 2006. “I mean, when she appeared on my TV staring straight ahead, without blinking, and her eyes began to multiply so she was basically a biblical angel, I was, like, slay. She can do no wrong. My favorite part was when she jammed her head inside Travis Kelce’s sternum and then he exploded. They look on his face, he didn’t see it coming at all.”
Some parents of Swift fans around the world have voiced concern at this announcement while others have seen this as a blessing.
“I’m so tired,” said Maura Croft, parent to Ashley and Marcus, two devout Swifties. “We’ve been following the Eras tour across the country for months and I’m completely out of money and energy. I’m hoping and begging this ascension means I can finally stop and rest. My life is just a series of missed highway exits, 7/11 coffee, and making motherfucking friendship bracelets. I’m praying that Taylor takes her fans wherever she goes or she just lets me die.”
Tyler Duffly, a spokesperson for Taylor Swift, was unsure how the announcement would be received.
“At first I thought, is this Heaven’s Gate (Taylor’s Version)?” said Tyler on a call from the secure compound the Swifties are gathering at. “But then Taylor laid her hands on me and cured my hair loss. After that she levitated three feet in the air, sang the chorus of a new American national anthem, then sprouted a third eye in the center of her forehead. And then I thought, Beyonce ain’t doing this shit.”
As the time for ascension approaches, Swifties are united in a simple hope that Kanye West doesn’t show up and ruin things, and also that they’ll get “Reputation (Taylor’s Version)” before they shed their physical form and become beams of light.