Thanksgiving is almost upon us, so it’s time to engage in one of the few activities your family should be able to do without devolving into a screaming match, watching something silently together! We say “should’ because even that somehow gets harder every year.
This is no time to mess around. Not everyone is going to like “Tar” the way you did. You want something safe, cozy, down the middle. Who is the all-time king of that? John Hughes.
We’ve put together a list of every movie written and/or directed by the master of the family comedy and ranked them by how likely your family can sit through them without the word “libtard” being used once.
32. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
It’s the Trump cameo. It’s a time bomb. It’s gonna do to your family what that homeless lady’s birds did to the Wet Bandits. Avoid.
31. Class Reunion (1982)
Hughes was allegedly shocked his name was even on the credits for this one, claiming this mess of a comedy/slasher mashup bore no resemblance at all to his initial script. It’s not even available on any streaming service except Dailymotion, and if your family movie night involves Dailymotion you guys are already broken beyond repair.
30. Just Visiting (2001)
No matter how dumb your family is they deserve better than 2001 CGI effects. We all deserve better.
29. Nate and Hayes (1983)
Apparently this was an attempt to give Tommy Lee Jones his own Indiana Jones-type franchise. Not much of a surprise Hughes wound up wanting his name off of it. If someone in your family wants you all to gather around and watch a swashbuckling Tommy Lee Jones you really need to put that person under a microscope before they hurt someone.
28. Flubber (1997)
This movie is so bad it’s frightening and confusing. The cultural divide already has your family on a razor’s edge, don’t put them through “Flubber” dude.
27. National Lampoon’s European Vacation (1985)
This one is objectively bad, but there’s always some asshole in every family that will support Chevy Chase, by all accounts a horrible person, no matter what. It’s usually a guy, he’s usually older, he’s usually dad and you’re tired of his bullshit!
26. 101 Dalmatians (1996)
It’s a live-action remake of a Disney animated classic, and while it’s nowhere near as awful as the slew of others that followed it, it opens the door to putting one of those on for a double feature that will end in at least a shoving match.
25. Maid in Manhattan (2002)
No no no WHO THE FUCK GAVE MOM THE REMOTE?!
24. Career Opportunities (1991)
1991 saw John Hughes write three movies dealing with class relations. It’s a subject he touched on pretty effectively in his earlier films, like “The Breakfast Club,” but his takes didn’t exactly become more nuanced once he started making “Home Alone” money. In this one, he’s saying “Just because one person is poor and another is rich doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love if they are locked in a department store and forced to fight bad guys.” It’s unlikely to make your family feel closer.
23. She’s Having a Baby (1988)
“And when are YOU having a baby, hmmmmmm?” Yeah, hard fucking pass. You don’t need to have that conversation with your parents about how it’s irresponsible to bring a child into this world because they will just end up being a soldier in the upcoming war for water.
22. Dutch (1991)
If you’re a ’90s kid, watching a child beat the shit out of Ed O’Neill for a whole movie might sound kind of cathartic, but he’s playing hard against the “Married With Children” type here and the kid is a huge dick.
21. Home Alone 3 (1997)
Hughes just threw a few suits some stuff from his first, radically different draft of “Home Alone” and said, “Here, make more money I guess.” If your family even thinks about throwing this one on you guys are clearly just going through the motions, and some tensions need to surface.
20. Sixteen Candles (1984)
It’s one of the movies that instantly comes to mind when you hear the name John Hughes, but just like a whitewashed elementary school Thanksgiving pageant, it hasn’t aged well. Racial stereotypes, harassment, sexual assault, it’s a cornucopia of things for your family to argue about.
19. Dennis the Menace (1993)
Dennis vs. Mr. Wilson isn’t exactly going to help quell the generational divide already threatening to estrange your entire family unit.
18. Beethoven (1992)
All of those straight-to-VHS sequels were absolute drivel, but the original is hands down… uhm… well not much better honestly. Charles Grodin’s curmudgeonly schtick is always amusing, but it will be undercut by your dad’s grunting approval noises at all of his complaints. Still, Beethoven remains one of our finest dog actors.
17. Reach the Rock (1998)
The story of a man who processes a childhood trauma through a spree of vandalism. If it were done right it might quell your family’s latent appetite for destruction another year, but it’s severely hampered by a low budget and will probably just plant seeds.
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