ST. PAUL, Minn. — Your mom cited general confusion and a lack of tech-savvy when she wasn’t sure which emoji combo to use to inform you and your siblings that your father had suffered a stroke, multiple sources confirmed.
“I mean, I know the kids are gonna be miffed at me,” said your mom. “But what could I do? It was a medical frickin’ emergency over here. I didn’t have time to waste typing things all out. I just needed to rattle off some of those cute little pictures. I was thinking of using the cute man, then maybe a blood drop, the brain would be nice, oh oh the head exploding guy. I use that when I text my kids about ‘CSI’ reruns. Then the ambulance and the crying guy like four times. But… then, I’d really like to find a way to work in that cute little eggplant emoji I see everyone use. It’s autumnal. Makes me want to make some roasted vegetables. Oh, anyway, we’re at the hospital now.”
Despite best attempts to decipher your mother’s cryptic yet urgent text, family members remain in a state of puzzled confusion.
“Do you have any idea what Mom’s text meant?” asked your brother Mark over the phone while smoking a cigarette on his break. “It was just a man’s head surrounded by eggplants. I really don’t want to think too much about what that could possibly refer to. It’s possible she finally went to one of those key parties and maybe she took some drugs. I don’t know, she’s getting a little loopy these days. There is a distinct chance all this means is her cat is sleeping in a shoebox again.”
Dr. Amelia Gomez, your father’s attending physician, weighed in on your mother’s unorthodox communication.
“She [your mother] has definitely been keeping her spirits high at the hospital,” Gomez said. “At one point, she told me she needed to check out her ‘feel good stash,’ which had me worried. But it turned out to just be a bunch of saved Minion memes. She’s been on Facebook for upwards of four hours. Mind you, your dad has been in complete recovery for three of those, but she’s really seems to need the alone time.”
At press time, your mom had caused greater concern among family members by sending “😂🤣😭💀🍆,” though it is still unclear whether this is a grave update about your father’s condition or a simple reaction to the meme your sister sent in the family group chat.