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New Paid Feature Filters Kids’ Songs Out of Spotify Wrapped

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify announced they are releasing a new premium feature for parents that will filter kids’ songs out of your Spotify Wrapped year-end playlist, sources confirmed.

“We know you already have a family account. But our user data suggest you’re not logging out and back into your kid’s account as you desperately search for the Trolls Holiday soundtrack. And our audio data suggests that your kid will keep screaming relentlessly until you find it,” said Cleo Berger, a representative from Spotify’s PR team, wondering if she had just revealed too much. “That’s why we are releasing this incredible new feature. For a small extra fee, we’ll scrub your profile of anything kid-related and leave your Wrapped full of only songs your friends will think are cool. We are also Beta testing a new program where you can just pay us to put whatever you want on your Wrapped, it’s been a hit so far.”

New parent Gabe Patterson laments that his meticulously curated Spotify Wrapped has changed so drastically.

“My Wrapped used to be so cool. I would braggingly send screenshots to all my friends and tease them for having Pop Rap in their top 5 genres. Now, Midwest Emo has been replaced by Bedtime Elmo,” said Patterson with a sigh. “I love my kid, but I really miss my algorithm. I mean, I used to get mad when it suggested the wrong era of math rock to me. Now it starts playing Cocomelon after Don Caballero. It’s a nightmare. So yes, of course, I’ve already upgraded, I don’t care how much it costs, it’s worth it.”

Donny Morris, a small-town record store owner, is no newcomer to these attempts to skirt the Wrapped system.

“Of course, they announced this feature. You think I haven’t witnessed folks’ desperation to game their Wrapped list? It’s basically an unspoken part of my job description. Buying the LP is the number one way to keep this precious data to yourself,” said Morris. “I’ve never asked a guy why he’s buying a Taylor Swift record from me, but somehow they always have an excuse chambered. So yes, I saw you sneakily purchase Midnights for your ‘girlfriend.’ And I also know why Taylor is mysteriously not part of that top artist screenshot on your Instagram.”

At press time, Spotify followed up on their announcement by noting that while your annual subscription will auto-renew, canceling is easy, and also, sometimes data leaks all by itself.