Meet Alli Welch, a brilliant 33-year-old woman who never thought she wanted kids. That is, until she discovered a secret hack for not having to suffer through her friends’ shows, no questions asked: She became a mom to little Carter Ashton.
We’re honestly not sure why more people aren’t taking advantage of this! But if it catches on, the local live music scenes might face a serious drop in attendance. Yikes.
Thanks to motherhood, Alli and her partner Dan have been able to stay home and skip at least 23 painfully mediocre local shows already. Oh baby, yes! First, severe morning sickness got her removed from group texts with her old art school buddies who all somehow played in noise bands. The only noise she’s had to listen to is Carter’s cries! Talk about sweet relief.
“Carter is such a gift,” Alli says. “We never have to make up excuses anymore about having to work early the next day, or get guilt-tripped into ordering some cassette to ‘support’ them because we didn’t go the show.”
“Pregnancy and childbirth were a nightmare. I technically died twice during labor, but I’d do it all over again,” she admits. “And now there’s that whole massive responsibility of raising a human. But you know what? It’s all so worth it. What a rush I get just thinking about how next Saturday I’ll be in a rocking chair getting projectile-vomit on me instead of having to see my coworker Sean’s band Corrosion Tentacle fumble through a Weezer cover.”
For Alli, there’s just one devastating catch: Her hack won’t work forever. Friends have joked about getting little protective earmuffs for Carter, and she’s run the calculations on when the dreaded event invites might start picking up again.
“Honestly, we think these bands will break up before he’s even walking,” she predicts. “I mean, they could join new bands. But we’re all mostly in our 30s now. They might … start having kids themselves. Look, everyone always hates having to go to their friends’ shows, but it turns out there’s this amazing way of getting out of it. I think the cat’s out of the bag now that I had Carter. Will it go viral? Maybe.”
Wow, kudos to Alli. She’s gone from dirty punk house basements to dirty diapers, and probably dealing with a lot fewer germs and weird bodily fluids now, too! And now she’s even sharing her secret.
Let’s just hope little Carter doesn’t grow up and start a band!