SEATTLE — Online retailer Amazon officially declared moral bankruptcy today thanks to their ongoing, unethical treatment of employees amid the coronavirus pandemic.
“These are unprecedented times, and the only way we could continue forward is by declaring moral bankruptcy,” said Amazon CEO and Founder Jeff Bezos. “What choice do we have? Allow our warehouse employees to unionize? Deem them ‘essential’ to our business model? That would simply wreck our margins. We literally have no choice but to declare to the world that we have no souls or empathy if we want to keep it up. There’s no other way.”
With Amazon’s profits rising thanks to increased service demand, they truly have no choice but to change absolutely nothing.
“Thanks to coronavirus, the entire world is staying safely indoors and doing their shopping online, and that’s helped make this our most profitable quarter in history,” said Amazon COO Rosalind Brewer. “In order to keep things running efficiently, as always, our warehouse staff is working around the clock, every day. They’re moving toilet paper onto semi-trucks like their lives depend on it — and if I had things my way, they literally would.”
Worried about their future, Amazon employees were assured that the company has their best interests at heart.
“I guess Amazon is gonna run some commercial on Hulu or something to thank us for all of our hard work — I’ll probably never see it, but yeah, that’s nice, I guess,” said warehouse worker Darell Grant. “I guess the best thing to come out of this is that now, everyone will know how reprehensible it is to support Amazon… and that I’ll still have a job, since basically no one will stop shopping here.”
At press time, Bezos was investing $17 billion into a study to assess the impact of coronavirus on warehouse robots and shipping drones.