WONKAVILLE — Lucky golden ticket winner Charlie Bucket, age 9, was surprised to find himself the recipient of a $98.75 bill from Ticketmaster Entertainment, Inc. for “service fees,” confirmed frustrated bed-ridden sources.
“I was so excited to visit Wonka’s factory, it’s been a dream of mine to see such a magical place,” said Bucket. “But my family couldn’t afford the service fee. Golly, I was so looking forward to eating a few delicious Zombobbly Wingers or whatever. I told the customer service representative about our problem and Ticketmaster sent someone to my house and threatened Grandma Josephine. This was supposed to be a fun trip full of whimsy, but it’s turned into an absolute nightmare before we even got to the front gates.”
William Wonka, proprietor of the Wonka Chocolate Factory, says that the scope of the contest necessitated the partnership with Ticketmaster.
“I needed to make sure that the tickets were shipped all over the world so that I could teach young children unnecessarily harsh lessons about life and hand my fortune over to one of them. Ticketmaster was the only company with the logistical capacity to do that,” said Wonka while concocting a new treat that would turn a child inside out as soon as they ate it. “Plus, they gave me an incredible deal on the golden tickets. I’m sorry young Charlie will be unable to visit the factory, but what can you do? I guess that’s one less unhinged death song the Oompa Loompas will be forced to sing during their lunch break.”
Ticketmaster representative Trisha Bartley maintains that the fees are nothing out of the ordinary, and are simply a part of doing business.
“We here at Ticketmaster love connecting our customers with the venues and artists they love by placing ourselves directly between them,” said Bartley. “Our service fees are a sign of our commitment to providing the best possible experience for those who can afford it. We wish the little Bucket boy the best and are saddened he is unable to meet the necessary requirements as set forth in our terms of service located clearly on the reverse of each golden ticket in size 2 font.”
At press time, Wonka was seen calling the police on a homeless man with a sign reading “I Need Golden Tickets.”